“Zombie Epidemic”

People...quick, hide your children and lock your doors...we have a zombie epidemic on our hands! I have had my first run-in with the undead...the brain eating bunch known as zombies. These are scary times we live in people...so heed my warnings and take the necessary precautions to keep your family, yourself and of course your brain safe from these bastards.

Last night while I was out and about I ran into a whole mess of them, and at first I didn't realize what I had wandered into, they seemed like normal people…that was until they opened their mouths. No, they didn't try to eat me or anything like that, they just started talking. After hearing what they said I realized they were brain dead, and since they were up and walking around the only reasonable explanation I could come to was that they were in fact zombies. After further evaluation I also noticed that they stunk and their clothes were all raggedy and torn and they all moved like a sloth (which may have been due to the truck load of extra weight they were carrying, but I wasn't taking any chances) which to me, just proves my theory that they were the undead.

You would think I was at a graveyard or some other kind of spooky place, but no, I was at my local Walmart trying to buy some bread for a sandwich I was hungry for...and being that it was like two in the morning and it was the only place open, I had no other choice but to go there.

Now, being scared for my life and not knowing what to do, I grabbed a role of Christmas wrapping paper that was in the clearance bin (seventy-five percent off by the way, if you're in the market for any) and started whacking zombie kiester like as if I was a fat kid and they were piñatas full of candy. The zombies didn't seem to really like that a whole lot because they started yelling and cursing me out...funny how they couldn't put a complete sentence together without sounding like they had a mouth full of marbles, but the profanities came out of their mouths so fluidly...what potty mouths.

I finally made it to the exit, but when the automatic doors opened I was greeted by hordes of zombies rushing the building, shopping carts in hand, which if I had to guess was to hold all the brains they were planning on eating...they must have heard that I was on to them. So I had no choice but to run back in and take my chances with the in-store zombies.

As I ran through the aisles, I knocked down jars of spaghetti sauce on to the floor, hoping they would think it was blood and stop to eat it up while I made my escape...but no such luck. I even went as far as to fling the CDs out of the $1.99 bin at them like as if they were Chinese stars...and while doing so, I realized that not only is it jumping that us white people have a hard time with, but we also can't throw Chinese stars for a crap either. I knocked down a clothes rack on top of one of them who was getting close to me, and being a fan of the 80's action movies I decided to follow up my accomplishment with a witty one-liner...which was, "watch for falling prices you some of a beach"...and then I grabbed a 5 Hour Energy off the shelf and kept running, because these zombies were wearing me out.

I made my way to the manager’s office and barricaded myself in...keeping those zombie bastards out. Shortly afterwards the cops showed up, and I thought they were there to help me so I let them in, but to my dismay they weren't. They took me off to jail and locked me up, which is where I'm currently sitting as I write this. This just shows you how soft as a country we have become, you can't even attack zombies without getting into trouble...what a shame.

Also, so you know, the zombies have made their way into the prisons, I am in the same situation I was on the outside as I am on the inside, just in a different location...so now if you'll please excuse me, I'm about to go all Jackie Chan on these zombie punks with my soap on a rope.

MJM