“What Women Want”

Me being a man, at least according to my birth certificate that is, there were some things about women I just didn’t understand.

Now I know I’m not alone in this, that whole “men are from Uranus and women are from a penis” thing, but me being the kind of person I am I had to find out what was going on.

So I did what any red-blooded male would do in this situation, I hid behind the safety of a keyboard and asked some really cool, and hot, chicks the questions that were on my mind, while I laughed uncontrollable out of embarrassment at their responses like as if I we were back in grade school.

There were three totally tubular dudettes (listed below) who actually answered my questions, can you believe it, I’m a giddy as a school girl at a Justin Bieber concert.

 (Color coded so you know who answered what)

Beth Teliho

FB: https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.teliho

Twitter: @beth_teliho

Blog URL: http://bethteliho.wordpress.com/

Joy Christi

Blog URL: www.comfytownchronicles.com

Kristi Campbell

Blog URL: www.findingninee.com

1. If you caught a someone checking out your goods would you call them out on it or let them look without any recourse, possibly even playing it up a bit?

Beth: I’m 43 and have been with my husband for seventeen years. If a stranger was checking out my goods I doubt I’d even realize it, but if I did, damn right I’d let them. Nothing wrong with feeling like you still got it out in the real world.

Joy: Depends on where I was. Usually I just ignore it. At a bar, it irritates and annoys me, probably because of times I have gone out with my sisters. Men would buy them drinks, then feel like they were owed a half of a “Best friends” necklace. For a freaking BEER. We’ll buy our own beer, thanks, and if we want to talk to you, you’ll know. 

Right now if that happened, I would probably die laughing, as my goods are mediocre at best, and I only wear mom jeans and T-shirts.

 When I worked in an office setting, if/when that happened I would let the person know that’s not cool. Usually if I stare at their eyes with mean eyebrows, they look away first and don’t do it again. Just like a bad dog, because basically if you’re in an office setting staring at someone that way, you are a bad dog. 

Now get, go lay down!

Kristi: I’d probably let them look but would be annoyed. Or flattered maybe.

2. Have you ever used your sex appeal to get out of something and/or get something you wanted?

Beth: Are you kidding me? I’m a woman. Of course I have. I’ve been aware since I was twelve that boobs and a nice smile go a very long way in this world.

Joy: Hell yes. Not recently, but if women claim they haven’t ever, they either don’t know how, or they’re lying. For one thing, the world is an unfair place, and it’s mostly a man’s world.  (Don’t even. Women still only make about 75% of what men make.) If you don’t use every resource, at least once or twice, you’re not living up to your full potential.

Kristi: Hell yes! I used to get out of speeding tickets a lot. I’m old now though, so likely won’t get out of anything. Sad.

3. Have you ever used sex as a weapon, a way to control the person in your life?

Beth: I’ve certainly used it as manipulation (I mean, we all know what to do to get that sparkly new ring, or that bad-ass new purse, or get out of having to rake the leaves, amirite ladies?) but never as maliciously as “a weapon to control someone.”

Joy: I don’t know about weapons-grade, thaaat seems pretty braggy. 

Plus my personality is pretty controlling already. Sex is just a bonus/reward.

Kristi: Of course. I’m a woman!

4. “P” test…Playboy, (stripper) pole, porno or prude? 

Beth: Playboy. For sure. A tasteful nudie photo would be cool, with professional hair/make-up and loads of airbrushing of course. I’m not coordinated enough for a pole (nor am I interested). Porno? Uh, no. Nothing against porn, but you don’t want to see me in one of those flicks. Prude? I’m dying laughing right now.

Joy: Not a prude. I’ve looked at/seen all of these, but I don’t read Playboy, and strippers make me sad because of one that I met. She was stabbed through her breast implant and couldn’t afford to get it fixed, so she was telling me how she couldn’t even get any good gigs anymore, and you don’t even want to hear about her son. I talk about it in my “Strippers, Sock Puppets and the Best $5 I’ve Ever Spent” post. (link: http://www.comfytownchronicles.com/2013/07/the-best-five-dollars-i-have-ever-spent.html)

I’ve watched enough porn that I have a full mental catalog, but if you still need to watch guys, and girls, watch with a little control. You don’t want to set the bar at a weird place. Ever see that South Park where they didn’t have porn anymore? Sad.

Kristi: Um all three or were there four? At different points in my life, yes. To all!

5. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex, if so was it fun or revolting?

Beth: No. Except in a dream once, does that count? Probably not, even though it was h-o-t. But it’d be awkward in real life, to say the least. Not my cup-o-tea. 

Joy: Yes. It was fun. That is until a few girls that I dated really let their crazy out, but that was obviously more about their personalities.

Kristi: No. But I thought about it in a nice way…

6. Does size matter?

Beth: Yes, to an extent, but so does technique. It’s a ratio really. 

Go out of balance on that ratio in either direction and you’ve got problems. Average size with the ability to knock my socks off in the bedroom? Juuuuust right, said Goldilocks.   

Joy: Yes. There are many other things that matter, too, though.

Kristi: Hell yes. But technique matters more.

7. Breasts, manmade or what God gave you?

Beth: All natural. And God gave me a bounty. Sometimes (especially when running, or the end of the day when I want to hurl my bra across the room) I feel like He was far too generous with me.

Joy: Yes. It’s all good. I don’t have implants, but I’m not against any form of self-improvement. My family is curse-blessed with more than enough. If it makes someone feel more confident, I’m not against it. People who complain about them are either jealous or can’t afford them.

 Look it, it’s all marketing. We all wear make-up, high heels and whatnot, it’s not that much different. I do find the freakishly large ones scary funny, but hey, to each their own.

Kristi: The ones that God and Nachos gave me.

8. Nice guys or bad boys?

Beth: Really bad, and tortured, and maybe he should take that shirt off…*pant*… oh, I’m sorry, what was I saying? But here’s the rule: play with the bad boys, but marry the good ones. Especially if the good one can still be a little bad sometimes, when it counts. Capeesh?

Joy: First: Anyone can be both, that is the nature of humans, but I think I know what you’re getting at. For one night, most girls like a bad boy. 

For dating, somewhat nicer guys. I have no interest in milk toast, human doormats, or anyone that isn’t flawed, because we would have nothing in common. However, I dated bad boys when I was younger, and that gets old really fast. I like someone who challenges me, but also respects me.

Kristi: Now? NICE!!! Then? Bad bad.

9. If you have it flaunt it or keep the doors closed until they pay the entrance fee?

Beth: You know, I’m in the middle with this one. Flaunting too much can be tacky and gratuitous. But too covered up is no fun. I say a nice peek in the window is a healthy medium. 

Joy: I like the idea of an “entrance fee” hahaha, we should make someone interested in our whole being, and maybe give a little effort before the reveal, but again I say do whatever makes you feel better. Some people, a lot of younger women, don’t have a lot of confidence and feel like their appearance is what they have to interest someone. This makes me sad, and hopefully with time they will realize they can offer more. 

To me, leaving something to the imagination is more rewarding. I am a student of Dr. Lesster Ismore. Plus, I need to relate to someone on more than just a physical level. I’m not a flaunter, don’t think I ever was, I was a tomboy, but I have been to New Orleans...

Kristi: Ick to flaunting it really, I mean mostly! Nobody wants me to flaunt this shit any longer!!!

10. Do you like being treated like a lady or is it “F” that, you are woman hear you roar? 

Beth: This is situation-dependent. There is still a part of me that goes all Jello inside when I encounter a gentlemanly gesture or an act of chivalry. Maybe I’m a bit of a romantic in that sense. But there are times when it feels demeaning, too. Times when I can speak for myself. Or when I know I don’t need “special” allowances because of my gender. I want to feel respected as an equal, but honored as a woman. I don’t feel that’s too much to ask.

Joy: Both. I know, it’s confusing. I feel like when in doubt, hold the door for her. 

However, I don’t need you to make decisions for me or take care of me or kill spiders for me, I got it. And don’t tell me how to drive. I make people nervous, but I make good time and I’ve never been in more than a fender-bender.

Kristi: Woman. I’m 45. 

11. When men say, “women are too emotional to do (blank)”, do you feel like punching them square in the throat, or just let it go and prove those bitches wrong with your actions? 

Beth: A little of both. They would get a death-glare from me, no doubt. But I would prove their ass wrong, too.

Joy: Yes I usually feel like punching them, but I almost never do. Even though I AM very emotional, 95% of the time I can control myself. The other 5% is why I will never be running for congress. Or a surgeon. Or a teacher…..

Kristi: Both!!!!!????

12. Farting, hysterically funny or totally gross?

Beth: Typically funny. Especially in my testosterone-centric family.

Joy: Yes.

Kristi: Yup. Funny as hell when I do it. Gross when it’s the hubs!

13.  When you look at a man is it with hearts in your eyes or dollar signs?

Beth: Hearts. Always hearts.

Joy: I never expect any man to be my Sugar Daddy. I think that would drive me insane. Does that really happen anywhere besides movies and Vegas? Who is asking the questions now?!

I don’t need anyone to pay for me, it’s a point of pride from my single mom days. I provided for myself, owned my own vehicle and condo. I can take care of myself, and my children. 

I feel better about myself earning my own money, and buying my own things. If I want flowers or romance, I buy them and/or bring it myself. I am in charge of my happiness, what anyone I date does is just a bonus. Whenever I dated someone, I wanted an equal partner, not a father figure or a pimp, or whatever else you call a financier.

Kristi: Duh. Hearts.

14. Dinner and a movie or glow sticks and confetti? 

Beth: Neither. Or something in between. A hockey game, good seats – right behind the glass, and then out for drinks after. Although I love a good movie.

Joy: Not sure. I’m over 40 with 3 kids, so right now….neither. I did go to a glow party Saturday, but that was rare. 

If I found myself single again, I’m sure I would just want to do dinner most nights, and occasionally have a glow stick kind of night. Normally dinner is fine, but I would rather watch a movie where I can have beer and be comfy.

Kristi: All????

15. Talk dirty to me or whisper sweet nothings in my ear?

Beth: Sweet nothings = Y-A-W-N. Bring on the filth. *Shiver*

Joy: I would say the first one, I’m not sure what sweet nothings are but they sound really freaking boring.

Kristi: YES!!! Talk in dirty whispers!!!

16. A man who takes control or one who stops and asks for directions…in the bedroom that is?

Beth: Both. Take control, but be confident enough to take direction when needed. That’s hot.

Joy: Both. No one likes an inactive partner, except for I guess necrophiliacs. Not my thing.

I don’t need someone to ask, I give directions and I’m difficult to ignore.

Kristi: BOTH!!!! It took me too long to get that I liked it too!

17. Hit it like a caveman or take it nice and slow like a Latin lover? 

Beth: How much time do we have? Sometimes quick and dirty is the best. Sometimes I want it to last all night.

Joy: I’ve never been romantic. When it comes to “slow” the only thing I think is:

Kristi: Um. Gross, and yes.

18. Sappy chick flick or blow ‘em non-stop action flick?

Beth: I hate sappy chick flicks. I appreciate a good action flick, but comedies and mystery/dramas are my favorites.

Joy: I hate chick flicks, I would rather watch Fight Club...or start a Fight Club. They set an unrealistic idea about life, and they are so freaking boring I would rather watch someone punch me in the face. I don’t think I would watch one if you paid me. Well, you would have to pay me a LOT. I prefer Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and I also love a good action movie.

Kristi: ALL of the above!!! Me first, though! I just love movies!!!

19. Superheroes are cool or superheroes are just something nerdy boys who still live with their parents like?

Beth: Superheroes are AWESOME.

Joy: Superheroes are cool, and I’m down for a costume/cosplay party, but if I met someone that walked around in a superhero costume all the time, and it wasn’t a paid job or for the benefit of kids, that’s a little... beyond my area, let’s say.

Kristi: Superheros freaking ROCK. My kid said so, and I believe him!!~

20. Men, more muscles than a seafood buffet or more fat than a Big Mac?

Beth: I don’t like men that are too bulky with muscle. I like lean and tone. Nice shoulders go a long way. And those sexy hip striations…*drool*

Joy: I hate muscular men. Every one that I’ve ever dated was compensating for tiny man parts, and/or being dumber than a bag of hair. That is not to say everyone who works out is compensating for something, that was just my experience.

If these are my ONLY choices, gimme the big guy. I usually like people for the way they make me feel, more than how they look. Because of this, my exes have had a wide range of appearances, I don’t really have a type. 

I wouldn’t rule anyone out by physical appearance alone, but chances are I won’t have anything in common with someone who works out a lot. Someone who binge eats and is a big day drinker? I’m all about that life.

Kristi: Both EW – in between.

Well there you have it peeps, what women really want out of us dudes and what they think about certain “male-specific” topics, so if you’re ever hoping to get some loving from a chick that doesn’t require and air pump, I would highly recommend you pay attention and deliver the goods.

And make sure you visit all my fabulous guests (links below their pics) to show them just how much you appreciate them opening up and being honest with you. 

MJM