There are
two kinds of people when it comes to using the crapper, and I’m not talking
about the public one here, because hopefully no one uses those cesspools unless
absolutely necessary. I’m talking about your own personal porcelain potty.
You have
the individuals who are in and out with a quickness like Superman in a phone booth
at the first sign of trouble, then you have those who set up shop and make it a
home away from home within a home. I myself am the latter, and damn proud of
it.
Now some
may scratch their heads in confusion and ask why one would purposely stay
firmly planted on the pot while being surrounded by their own stank, unless of
course they were having tummy troubles and/or a professional masturbator. Well
my reason is simple; I prefer to deal with the shit that’s inside the door instead
of the shit that’s on the other side of the door. By that I don’t mean that I
have a poorly trained pet that leaves turd nuggets all over my house like
landmines, but rather people who are so annoying they could make Jesus (and I
don’t mean the gardener) ask for a do-over on that whole dying on the cross for
our sins thingy.
You want to
be a super pooper like me? Well listen closely because I’m about to tell you
how it’s done.
There are
secrets to surviving the dreaded gas chamber. Certain things one could do to
make the overall experience really not all that bad, believe it or not,
actually rather pleasant. Some of these steps may take time to master, but
trust me in the end it’ll be completely worth it and you’ll be a much happier
person in the long run as a result of it.
Here’s the
first step, and this may not be all that easy for those of you with pancake
asses, but for the the rest of you who are fortunate enough to have junk in
your trunk this’ll be no problem whatsoever. Plug the hole! Don’t get it twisted;
the hole I’m talking about plugging here is not the one to your backdoor, but
the one to the seat of the bowl you’re doing your business on.
This may
require some wobbling as if you were a Weeble and/or possibly even some tushy
touching, so make sure to keep some Purell readily available just in case. Wedge
those buns in there tightly, like you were stuffing a Thanksgiving turkey. That
septic stream should see nothing more than the dark side of your moon.
Why do this
you may ask? The answer is simple; it’s to avoid any raunchiness from escaping the
bowl. That way regardless of how long you plan on visiting, you can do so
without aggravating your nostrils and/or taste buds if you happen to be one of
those extremely ripe bitches where your aroma is so thick you could taste is.
As a backup,
hanging a car air freshener from the doorknob will definitely help in the case of
a ventilation emergency. Sure it won’t mask the whole smell, but a mixture of
pine trees or new car and crap is still better than just plain old crap, just
saying.
Step number
two, which coincidentally involves taking a number two, funny how that worked
out.
Don’t be
too quick to flush your friend. The reason being of course is because most
people associate the flush with the last step in the pooping process, and if
you’re not out the door shortly after they come banging like they were the
police. Let your new buddy hang around for a bit. Let him enjoy his freedom
from the bowels before being washed away to his eternal resting place.
Nothing
makes others feel the need to use the bathroom more then the sound of that door
closing. I believe it’s a mental thing, that or a pain in the ass thing, and I’m
not taking about hemorrhoids. They’re as fine as can be without a care in the
world, completely void of any bladder and/or anus waste, at least until they
notice the threshold to the toilet blocked off.
That’s why
saving the flush for the final act, and not a second before, is imperative and
not to be passed over. Doing so will help you avoid any unnecessary headaches
while you’re trying to relax.
The last
step, which is just as important as the previous two and should not to be taken
lightly, is to bring a lunch or at least a snack in with you. You’re going to
be away from the outside world for quite some time, and you wouldn’t want to pass
out from hunger and end up face down, ass up on the bathroom floor. Been there,
done that, and it wasn’t a pretty picture.
I would also
highly recommend carrying prepackage noms here, because you wouldn’t want poop
particles on your food, ummm grodie to say the least.
Aside from
edibles, bring in things to keep you occupied while you’re lavatory lounging. Here
are some suggestions. Maybe take up needlepoint, start playing a portable
gaming system and/or if you’re so inclined, bring in that car engine that you’ve
been rebuilding.
There’s
nothing like reading a good book on the toilet, and if you’re a writer, all you
need is a pen because any adequately stocked bathroom is going to have plenty
of paper. What about arts and crafts, if that’s your thing feel free to get
down with some finger painting, just please wash your hands when you’re done.
For the
record, on cold days there is absolutely nothing wrong with brining a blanket
or space heater in with you, if anything you’d be wise to let the heater run
for a bit before doing your duty (huh huh) to avoid cold seat shock.
Let me put
it this way, you’ll be hard-pressed to find something of mine that doesn’t have
more fecal matter on it than Kanye West's teeth, but I don’t sweat it at all
because there’s always soap.
Remember
with great power comes great responsibility, so use these skills I taught you
wisely and don’t abuse them. For example if you’re a beginner, or a young
sprout with tiny little poops, then I would suggest playing it safe and not
risking it. Be like SEAL Team Six, get in and out before anyone knows you’re
there, making sure to bury your own stinky little brown turd (aka Bin Laden) at
sea in the process, otherwise the operation would be considered an epic fail.
Here’s what
I had to deal with, and ultimately why I say what I do.
Growing up
we had many visitors who felt compelled to use their toilet time to smoke a cigarette,
drink a cup of coffee and drop a deuce, so you could only imagine the funk that
they left behind.
With that
said, back then I was a hit it and quit it kind of fella when it came to using
the facilities. I wasn’t about to let myself ferment in that toxic concoction
of shit, smoke and coffee.
As time
progressed, circumstances changed and I was better able to manage the shitter
to shitee relationships, which allowed me slow down and enjoy my time in the
inside outhouse. Give it time, you’ll get there too.
There you
have it, the “How to” survival guide to making the best of a shitty situation
and getting the most out of your bathroom time. They don’t call it the “rest”room
for nothing.
