“The Insane Asylum: New Years Resolutions”

Here’s another new year, so I guess it’s time to make some of those “resolutions” that I really don’t plan on keeping just to make myself, and society, feel better about who we are and for eating/spending too much during this past holiday season.

I’m not really sure how a new number on the calendar will mean a new and better life for me, but what can I say, we are told to do it so I’m going to be a good little boy and do as I’m told…especially with the NSA keeping tabs on me.

My resolutions are as follows, and in no particular order:

I will... 

Start a petition to keep stupid people from marrying and having kids, because we has a serious stupid epidemic on our hands and we really need to do something to rectify that.

Lose a bunch of weight and get myself in shape, than during the next holiday season let myself go to hell and get all fat and junk, so that way I will have something to resolute next year…thinking ahead people.

Punch bitches in their throat who say anything ignorant and/or demeaning about someone else, sure there will be a lot of punching going around, but by the end of the year there will be a lot of quiet hateful punks who will have to learn sign language if they hope to communicate.

Masturbate more, I know what you’re thinking is that really possible, but I’m hoping to one day go pro, and like they say practice makes perfect and as hard (huh huh) as it will be I’m willing to put in the time and effort my dream a reality.

Pay off all my delinquent credit by sending a check each month in the amount of $0.01 to my creditors, I’m sure my bill collectors would just love that.

Give my mailman brownies laced with Ex-Lax, and then when he/she runs to use the bathroom I will steal their little mail truck and go hot-rodding in it, while blasting “Fuck Tha Police” by N.W.A.

Well there you have it; those are my New Years resolutions for this year…wish me luck.

MJM