“Dysfunctional Dictionary Volume 1”

"Constipate"

When someone starts talking a lot of crap you tell them to constipate, which basically means shut the hole in your face.

I almost got arrested when I told the cop who pulled me over to constipate, after he started asking me if I knew how fast I was going...I told him obviously not fast enough because he still caught me.


“Jalopy /Hooptie”
An old, beat up car that is falling apart and normally held together by
duct tape, plastic bags and bungee cords...other noticeable signs would be the
muffler dragging on the ground, rust throughout and/or a make shift antenna made from
a wire coat hanger.

My family was so attached to their Jalopy/Hooptie that they never got
rid of them; instead they put them on cinder blocks and kept them in
the front yard of our house...the white-trash version of garden gnomes.

"Robin' Hood"

A hood that robs from anyone and gives to the liquor store and/or local drug dealer.

My family was full of Robin' Hoods! They would wait until we were sleeping or out of the house then steal our money so they could go get their buzz on.

"Fathers Day"

A day where you honor the many fathers in your life...that is if you can find them. Around our neck of the woods this day is called fathers day...not father's day...for obvious reasons.

Fathers day was always a nightmare at my house, we never knew if we should break the bank and buy something for all four of our fathers, or if we should just pick our favorite.

"Happy Hour"

When you're broke and trying to get your drunk on, you search the
house for anything containing alcohol and you drink it down.

When I was younger I used to hate happy hour at my house, my uncles
would be in the bathroom for an hour or so, then come out smelling
really good and with really fresh breathe and drunk off their butts.
Come to find out they drank all the mouth wash, aftershave and night
time cold medicine. They would always tell me that those products weren't meant to drink, then why did they come with shot glasses!

"Alcoholics Anonymous"

A meeting for alcoholics where they come together and discuss their problems and try to figure out why they're an alcoholic. They receive support and guidance from others, who try to help them overcome this addiction (or as some call it a disease). These are the same people who weren't too worried about being anonymous when they're down at the local bar screaming and yelling and causing a ruckus. Why is it you can act the fool in public, but need to be anonymous when you're trying to get help...one would think it would be the other way around?

My druncles and alcoholaunts would go to their alcoholics’ anonymous meetings to satisfy their probation officers requirments, and then on the way home they would stop at the bar and get their drunk on.

"Repo Man"

Kind of like Santa Clause for poor people, except he comes all year round and takes your stuff instead of leaving you presents.

We saw the repo man more times than we saw Santa Clause growing up, so we would leave him milk and cookies.

"Brown Bagging"

Concealing an alcoholic beverage in a brown paper bag, with the delusion that nobody knows what you're drinking.

My druncle, a brown bagger when it came to lunch, however his didn't consist of a sandwich, dessert and a juice box.

“Fire In The Hole”

Basically feeling as if you’re pooping lava!

I always have regrets after eating spicy food, because after is all said and done I feel like I got butt banged by a lit candle. I once had fire in the hole so bad that I took a frozen tampon and stuck it up my hole.

“Chew & Screw aka Eat’em & Beat’em”

Going to a restaurant, ordering food, eating it and then not having any money to pay for it. After the meal, and when the bill comes, you make a mad dash for the door with the hopes of not getting caught.

My druncles were the kings of the chew & screw. Most of the time their bail was more than their meal, so I don't really get it, but I guess in their minds, if they spent their money on food they wouldn't have any left for alcohol.

"F.R.I.E.N.D."

An acronym for Fictional Relationships with Inanimate Electronic Nonhuman Devices... basically anyone whose only friends are made up of people they have never met in person and only know and interact with them through some sort of electronic means.

Power outages are very lonely times when all the people you know are F.R.I.E.N.D.s...it’s sad to know that the hand shake and smile has been replaced by the words “online now” or "thumbs up".

“Basketball Check”

A check you write when you have no funds in your bank account and the ultimate outcome is it bouncing like a basketball. Picture it, the check (basketball) being passed to the payee (dribbled) and coming back to you with an extra fee (penalty).

My family wrote many basketball checks during my childhood, with the hopes that it would buy us just a little more time with our utilities, rent and just about any other bill before they were shutoff and/or we started being hounded by mr. bill collector. Who the H E double hockey sticks wants to cook Ramen Noodles with a candle!

"European American"

Basically, another word for white, cracker, etc..

All the other races have cool descriptions like African American, Native American and so on and so fourth...so why can't us white people have a cool description too? When I fill out an application and it asks race, I always check other and write in European American. I want to know what it feels like to be a minority without going through all hate crimes, job rejections and police profiling!

"Scamsel In Distress"

A female who acts helpless whenever a male is around...fooling him into doing her bidding. Basically reverse fishing, using the "seafood" as the bait to catch the "worm"!

I have a "friend" who always gets suckered in to the scamsel in distress scam, I....errr oops I mean he is always doing things for all these woman with the hopes of getting some super freak action later...but he never does...how sad.

MJM