“If I Was a Superhero”

As a kid after watching Batman on TV I would pretend to be a superhero...I wore my underwear over my pants...well let’s be honest here…I wore them over my mom’s old pantyhose that I was sporting at the time…and no I wasn’t a crossdresser, I was just trying to get into character.

I attempted to tie a towel around my neck as a cape...but my head was too big so I had to use a bed sheet...it looked more like a train on a wedding dress than a cape...so between this and the pantyhose my parents got worried and sent me away to one of those camps for the confused and curious...with the hopes of scaring me straight if you will.

Some kids pretend to fly by jumping off of the couch…that’s childs play…I used to jump off the roof… and for a split second it did really feel like I was flying…and crashing…honestly I didn’t feel all that super while I was laying there on the ground crying out in pain.

I was hoping to be a real live superhero when I grew up...I would have loved to be someone like the Incredible Hulk or even Superman...but in all reality I know I would have ended up like Ralph Hinkley from “The Greatest American Hero”...or more appropriately Handi-Man from “In Living Color.

I wouldn't have a cool power like super speed or super strength either....I would have some lame power like the abilities of a can opener or the ability to shoot lasers beams out my anus.  I must say though…it would be a really good thing if I didn't have the powers of invisibility and/or x-ray vision... because I can just imagine all the trouble I would get into and all the sexual harassment suits I would find myself in because of these powers

I also know my superhero costume wouldn't be something cool...it would be just like the clothes I wore growing up... which consisted of hand me downs and “good finds” at the local thrift shop. My outfits were made up of last year’s fashions and in very rough shape…shoes kept together by duct tape and crazy glue….need I say more. My costume would be made up from a pair of Z Cavariccis and a Member's Only jacket with a used shower curtain for a cape.

I wouldn't have a cool hideout like the Batcave or the Fortress of Solitude...I would have a shopping cart and a cardboard box on the side of the road…my secret headquarters would be the dumpster behind the 7-11…which I was able to access just by moving the drunk homeless man who was sleeping on the side of it.

My weakness would be rent...and my archenemies would be made up of “the Landlord” and “Mr. Bill Collector”…I would kind of be like Wonder Woman…but instead of having an invisible jet I would have invisible money that I paid them with to get them off my back.

I would be so lame that I wouldn't have any fan pages of Facebook...I would have them on MySpace.  My ultimate goal was to be a superhero…but unfortunately with life…and my luck…I became a superzero…instead of a hero.

MJM