“To Pee, or Not to Pee, That is the Question”

One of my biggest pet peeves (if you will) is when I wake up in the middle of the night from a sound sleep and have to hit the head.

Now of course when I say “hit the head” I don’t mean literally, because that would really hurt, but rather I mean I have to take a pee pee.

I’m lying there all comfortable like and as snug as a bug in a rug when nature calls, and it doesn’t call quietly either, it calls like one of those annoying bill collectors, and to make matters worse it’s calling collect.

So my dilemma is, do I get up and use the potty then have to climb back into bed and try to get comfortable again, or do I just stay there and risk letting the flood gets open?

As I’m trying to make my decision I start to fall back to sleep, in my head the song “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin is playing, except it’s called “Don’t worry pee happy” and I feel myself letting go…if you know what I mean.

Thankfully, I wake up right before I’m about to christen the bed sheets with my not so holy water.

I already know how my girlfriend feels about me "shitting" on her, so I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t like me peeing on her either, and when I say pee on her I don’t mean in the R. Kelly way so get your mind out of the gutter.

If I do happen to “spring a leak” in the bed I’ll have to wash all the bedding, my clothes and the mattress, all the time while my girlfriend is bitching me out, not really my idea of a good time.

On top of that, have you ever tried to hang a mattress on a clothesline to dry, it is not easy?

I thought about going the way of “Lisa Nowak”, that crazy NASA astronaut who likes to wear diapers on road trips when she’s late for a killing, and pick up some Depends for myself to sleep in.

That way I could sleep through the night, let loose if I need to and wake up to clean (and dry) bed, and a bitch free girlfriend.

I even thought about using a catheter, but then I remember how much of a wuss I am and how I whine when I’m sick, so I decided against it.

I don’t know, what is a man to do I tell you, life is tough.

I guess my only real option is to sleep right on the toilet itself, that way I don’t have to worry about anything, well except maybe for a sore neck and a ring around my ass from a toilet seat.

This blog is dedicated to my friend Sarah over at "SadderButWiserGirl”, not because she wets the bed or anything, but just because she steered me in the right direction.

MJM