“MJM's Random Thoughts”

Just as the title states this is a collection of my random thoughts, I had no other place to put them so I figured I would list them all here for your viewing pleasure. You're not going to find any pearls of wisdom here, or heartwarming sentiment, just a bunch random nonsense that popped in my head throughout the course of my day. There is no method to my madness, there is no rhyme or reason, honestly, I'm not entirely sure how I come up with this stuff, maybe it has something to do with my being dropped on my head when I was a baby but who knows.

Random Thoughts...

#1. I was thinking about a lobotomy...no, not getting one, but why is it called a lobotomy...shouldn't it be called a lotopomy since my head is on the top of me?

#2. Who's scarier, the people trying to ban the guns or the people loving on the guns like as if they were their own children? Trick question, they're both equally nuts. We don't have a gun problem, we have a people problem. Anyone who thinks owning guns is the problem or anyone who thinks guns are a necessity needs to have their heads examined, the guns aren't crazy, the people are. One side wants everybody to be armed to the teeth so we could handle things like they did back in the Wild West days and the other side thinks banning guns all together will make us a safer nation with less violent crimes, both sides need to get beat with a wiffle ball bat...not hating, just saying.

#3. Life is a crazy ride, from the birth certificate to the gravestone and everywhere in-between, just keep your hands and feet inside the car and remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop. Please check your sanity at the door and lay your straitjacket on the bed with the rest of the coats. By the way, I love applesauce and I can't wait until I'm old enough to start wearing diapers again so that I can poop on myself to keep warm when I'm cold and not have to get up from the TV to use the bathroom.

#4. Am I the only one who thinks "jack in the box" sounds perverted?

#5. I hate being sick, but at least I have an excuse for laying around all day, playing video games and getting drunk on NyQuil. Well on second thought, I guess being sick isn't all that bad.

#6. Wondering if there is such a food that wouldn't taste better deep fried. Mmmm heart attack.

#7. I think I threw my back out trying to dance to Flo Rida, quick someone call me an attorney, I'm going to sue! I'm too old to be trying to do the cabbage patch, and I have the triple D's to prove it, which are Dentures, Drool and Depends adult under garments.

#8. Have you ever spoken to someone who, no matter what the topic, has to one up you (aka 1 up'ers)? You say you did something, and they reply that they did the same thing, but just with a little more pizazz than you did. These people just don't do it once a conversation either, they do it all throughout, sometimes even going as far as to interrupt you to one up you. Am I alone in wanting to slap these people in the head with a loaf of stale Italian bread.

#9. I wouldn't mind going to jail if it's the all woman's Showtime after dark kind of jail, that I'm OK with, but if it's the Oz jail from HBO then I'm screwed...both literally and figuratively. I'll be sold for a pack of cigarettes and holding onto someones belt loop in no time. I'm not even going to try and front...I'm a complete wuss, as soft as Charmin, I have no doubt my shirt would be tied up in the front and I would be wearing lipstick in no time.

#10. There should be another political party, one for people who don't need to be spoon fed, who don't follow the flock and for people who think for themselves, we could call it the thinking party. We could have a brain for a symbol and our party color could be rainbow, just to annoy all those homophobes out there.

#11. Why do people buy one ply toilet paper, don't they know you'll end up using twice as much? If it's not at least two ply, it's not for me...anything less and you'll just end up with poop on your fingers.

#12. Am I the only one who finds it hard to order food from a fast food menu when I have a case of the giggles? Some of those names are hilarious, and saying it out loud to another human being makes it even harder. When I'm in one of those moods I just pretend I'm crazy, I walk in the restaurant wearing floaties and a bike helmet and just point to what I want, it makes it a lot easier.

#13. I'm a secure man, I don't mind my woman owning/using sex toys of the vibration kind, heck if I'm having a bad day and not able to fulfill her needs I'll even work it for her, well that is along as she's okay with me grabbing a Gatorade or a 5 Hour Energy before hand but when I see one that looks like it came from King Kong and moves like a jackhammer that's when I'll need to move on. I know I'm not going to be able to compare with that, heck Ron Jeremy couldn't even compare with that, so why even waste my time.

#14. I don't get the whole defecating on each other during sex thing, don't get me wrong I'm not trying judge anyone to each their own, if you're a freak like that have at it, be the best gosh darn freak-a-leak you can be...it's just not for me. Honestly, if I was being intimate with a honey and all the sudden she squatted over me and started heave-hoing and I saw the brown snake pushing its way through the hole I would kick her so hard in the kiester that she would take off as if she was being ejected from the cockpit of a plane going down.

#15. Wouldn't it be cool if you could modify your car horn to spout out profanities instead of honks..so that way when someone cuts you off in traffic you could really let them know how you feel without straining your voice.

#16. If colleges had a difficulty setting like in video games, then community college would be the easy setting...trust me I know from person experience, I am currently attending one. A good percentage of the students here should be riding the short bus to school and wearing helmets and water wings on their arms for protection. I feel my IQ dropping every moment I'm here, I even found myself drooling in my breakfast cereal this morning. Hey kids learn from my mistakes and stay in school and study your butt off so you can get into a real college.

#17. If common sense was currency, and your head a bank account, you'd be in the negative...with many, many NSF fees.

#18. What's the story with pants? When they're on younger people they're hanging off their butts, and when they're on the older people they're pulled up to their nipples, it would seem that as if only the middle-aged wear their pants were they should be. I guess how one wears their pants is a good indication as to where they are in their life.

#19. The art of the fart is that you don't shart when your butt cheeks come apart.

#20. A good way for the church to "spice" things up, and to attract more people, would be to start offering flavored body of Christ wafers...like maybe Sour Cream and Christ or Jez-its (the holy alternative to Cheez-its).

#21. Is it considered drinking and driving if while playing the game LIFE you're pounding back a few brewskies?

#22. I think tub farting should be an Olympic event, believe it or not it's an art form and not just anyone can do it where it's meaningful and magical. 

#23. Thongs, what is up with this torture device and why do people purposely wear them? If I tried to put on a thong it would disappear, it would be eaten up by the rolls, never to return, so I just do what all fat people do with their thongs, I use them as a slingshot to shoot food into my mouth.

#24. People who dress their pets up in stupid little outfits just to prance them around and show them off, like as if they were a fashion accessory.

#25. Why do people pick their nose, scratch their ass, or adjust their junk where you can plainly see them doing so then go to touch you? We know where those hands have been and we know they are about as clean as Courtney Love on a good day, so please keep them to your damn self unless you want to draw back a nub.

Thanks for reading my random thoughts, it's just one of the side effects of being me, my brain wanders and I think of a lot of nonsense which has no real merit or purpose other than keeping me from sucking on the barrel of a twelve gauge or slapping stupid bitches right and left...which would be a full-time job in itself.

MJM