“I Can’t Place the Face, but I would Recognize That Ass Anywhere”

I recently started working with a man doing home repairs; and the job requires us to drive to a bunch of different locations on a weekly basis, so needless to say we are on the road a lot, and we see a lot of different people.

Today while we were driving down the road we come across a woman walking; she was traveling in the same direction as we were driving so all we could see was her backside, the junk in her trunk if you will.

My boss, while steadily staring at her ass and panting like a thirsty dog, blurted out that he would know that ass anywhere.

Intrigued by his comment, and wanting to know more about this hottie, I asked him what the rest of the package looked like, you know the headlights and such.

He replied back, “I have no frigging idea, I only know her by that must be jelly because jam don’t shake like that rump roast, and I have never actually seen her from the front”.

His response (even if odd) got me thinking, could someone really know an “ass” anywhere, even if it was one of the hottest derrieres they have ever seen, it has to be hard to tell a person by the ass they were carrying alone?

I was wondering if he ever met her out would he be like I think I know you but I can’t place the face, could you do me a favor and turn around, bend over and touch your toes, and once he saw that hiney he would be like, “oh yeah you’re so and so from such and such, I may forget a face but I never forget an ass”.

I suggested to him that since he was such a coinsure of the booty, that at the next social gathering he attended he should have people wear their nametags on their buttocks instead of their chests, that way he would be able to put a name with that ass.

And what if he was blind, could he read ass like as if it was braille, or too avoid getting slapped in the kisser, would he just have to rely on that special aroma the ass emits.

What if he was in one room and an ass was clapping in another room, could he hear it like a mother can hear their baby crying when they are in different rooms?

I just had so many questions; I was really amazed that this man could tell who someone was just by their bum bum, he must have seen more butts than an ashtray during his time on this planet to acquire this incredible skill, if he was a superhero his name would be “Captain Proctologist”.

MJM

“Getting Busy in the Sheets…Doing it Ghost Style”

I think my place is haunted! 

By that I don't mean the kind of ghost you would find in an episode of Scooby Doo, that is really just some dude who is up to no good in a disguise, but rather an invisible being who is there but at the same time not really there...if you catch my drift.

Now I don’t know if I’m dealing with Casper here, or something you would find in one of the Paranormal Activity movies, but what I do know for sure is that Mr. Spook is up to something and he's not looking to be BFFs.

There are times when I feel like I’m being stuck with something, and I don’t know if it’s a ghost shank or a creepy cock. 

When you can’t see the said object it is kind of hard (pardon the pun) to tell what it is, and at the same time very disturbing.

What worries me, is that I am one of those mouthbreathers you hear so much about, and I would hate to be sitting on the couch watching my favorite television program while some ghoul is shoving my pie hole full of ghost cock. 

Getting pounded by a perverted poltergeist if you will.

Speaking of which, does it make you gay if you unknowingly give a BJ, and I don't mean a Bartles & Jaymes, to a ghost? 

If there was a movie based on my life would they call it, "Brokeback Haunted House"?

I thought I heard moaning the other night, kind of sounded like a banshee, but I don't know if it was real or if the bastard was just faking it like the majority of my girlfriends.

I pray to God that he didn't shoot his ectoplasm all over me (giving me a slimer), especially in my mouth, because that would be totally grodie.

Also, for the record, I would definitely spit, there's no swallowing going on here...sorry boys!  

I may have been raped by a spirit, had a close encounter with an apparition, and I may need CSI: Ghostbusters to figure it all out, there's no doubt who I'm calling.

I don’t know if my ghost is gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that (mad props Seinfeld), or just some kind of freaky supernatural being. 

Regardless, either way I’m worried that if I called in an exorcist that I would be labeled a gay ghoul basher, and I’m not about that.

My luck is that he is just some sexed up porn star who is stuck in purgatory and can’t leave my house until he comes to realize some special message or accomplishes a particular task, for example, skull screwing the living.

What to do, should I just lay there and let him have his way with me, all with the hopes that he will treat me like a one night stand, that he would bang and bolt?

However, with my luck he may realize what a piece of ass I am and attach himself to me as if he was a barnacle and I was a ship's hull (I'm sexy and I know it).

Then I would be stuck with a ghost stalker who’s always trying to earn my love.

I don’t know, I’m at a loss. 

I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up (not talking about the spiritual spooge here people, get your minds out of the gutter) and just let things happen as they will. 

The whole time hoping I don’t get impregnated…hey if a virgin can have a baby why can’t I?

Where’s Haley Joel Osment when you need him? 

I would really like to know what this sexed up soul was really up to, why is he messing with me, why is he treating me like his bitch.

No daddy I don't want to pet your phantom penis!

Oh sorry, just a childhood flashback...don't worry, I'm seeing someone for that.

MJM

“Blogging, the Other White Meat”

To us writers the world of blogging is lot like high school, and the physical act itself is like the cigarettes and other extracurricular activities that were frowned upon by the authority, but thanks to good old fashioned peer pressure and the mindset that “everyone else is doing it”  we jump on the bandwagon and start our own blogs.

The bloggers themselves can also be compared to the various student types you would find within the classroom setting, like for example the “teacher’s pet”, these are the people who play it safe, they stay within the lines of the highway known as life and they write what they believe the teacher (who in this case would be the general public) wants to read.

Next you have the rebels, the bad boys (or girls, don’t want to sound sexiest here) of the blogging world, the Zack Morris type if you will, these are the people who go against the grain, who go out of their way to stray from the heard and only write things that they believe would result in shock and awe from the reader.

Then you have the so-called brains, the bloggers who believe that they know it all, and without them and their vast knowledge of the world and all things in it, we would be completely lost and roaming around like a blind person without a cane and/or any other instrument to help us find our way.

Finally we have the screw-ups, the writers (if you can call them that) who have no frigging idea what they are doing and why they are doing it, they believe just because they have a blog that they are a writer, they don’t seem to realize (or care depending on the person) that writing requires skill and talent, not just the ability to push random buttons on a keyboard like a chicken feeding on corn.

To me personally blogging is a lot of fun; it’s a way to express myself without having to listen to other people’s opinions and/or their feelings on the particular topic I so choose to discuss, in a way I feel like a god, now granted not a god you would find on Mount Olympus chilling with Zeus or one that has thousands of faithful followers doing my bidding, but nevertheless I am still a god.

Blogging also makes me feel like a rockstar, but not the kind that has women screaming his name and throwing their panties on the stage as he bellows out their favorite songs, but rather the kind that believes he is something special because he is rocking out in his garage and random clubs with his friends with the hopes of one day getting discovered and scoring a record deal, or in my case a job as a real writer.

So remember, blogging can be a lot of fun and a great way to hone your craft, as long as that craft is witch craft because there is already way too much of that crap on the net.

It is not a get rich quick scheme; it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and lots, and lots of patience, so if you don’t plan on seeing the race through to the end then don’t even bother.

There is also a ton of competition out there, pretty much everyone and their mother has a blog and believes themself to be a writer, the next big thing, and totally not afraid to step on your head if it means getting themselves over.

Lastly, just because you write doesn’t mean you’re a writer, just as much so as playing Operation doesn’t make you a surgeon or playing with Mr. Potato Head make you a plastic surgeon, so listen to the feedback and don’t be afraid to seek the advice of others.

Now I don’t want you to think I’m trying to persuade you from blogging, just know that it is only a launching spot, like a trampoline at Harlem Globetrotters show when they go up for one of their famous whacky and zany dunks, it is just the starting line not the finish line.

MJM

“King Nothing”

You know what just occurred to me, that we are all a bunch of self-righteous sons of bitches, we all think that our opinions and how we live our lives is the only proper way to manage your time here on this planet.

For whatever reason, for example our church told us it was supposed to be that way, or our mommies and daddies taught us, regardless of why; we all believe that we wrote the book on how to survive this life.

War, abortion and/or who should and shouldn’t be able to marry are just some of the issues we feel we are the authority on, we believe we have the right to voice our opinions on these topics and that everyone should take notice and follow our advice, and for no other reason than the fact that we share the same living space.

We all do have the freedom of speech, at least in this country we do, but just because you have the freedom to voice what is on your mind doesn’t mean that it holds any significance, so feel free to say whatever you like but just don’t be upset if no one listens.

We are not as important as we believe we are, and without knowing the whole story and/or walking in someone else’s shoes before forming an opinion is a true sign of complete and utter ignorance and totally buffoonery, and is that how you want to be perceived.

So before you go around looking like a rodeo clown trying to get the bull’s attention, think twice about it and if it has nothing to do with you personally just mind your own business,  because if you do happen to open your pie hole you may just get the horns of the bull.

And for the record, when I say “you personally” I mean literally you, not someone you know and/or your kids, because we all know your opinion is based on your own personal bias and not the welfare of your children and/or friends and family, so stop lying like a cheap rug.

You don’t see a gorilla telling a giraffe how to live his life do you, of course not, they just go about their business and do what is right for themselves, and regardless of what you think we are no better than the animals we share this planet with, so take a lesson out of their playbook and just worry about yourself.

Before you go and tell me off for what I said, think about it logically, are you really as important as you think you are, does it really matter what you think about how someone else lives their life and how they manage their affairs, of course it doesn’t and if we are all honest with ourselves we will know this to be true.

So just like when we were kids and told to keep our hands to ourselves, the same could be said for opinions, keep your opinions to yourself unless someone asks for them.

MJM

“Dress to Impress”

Blogging it is a woman’s world, us men have no place in it, our sense of humor and our twig and berries are as out of place as Jay Z at a KKK rally.

I didn’t have any kids of my own, and of course I’m not a chick, at least not in every sense of the word, so I had to figure something out if I wanted to succeed in this "woman eat man" world of blogging.

I had some pets, a few cats and a dog, so I could always just pretend they were kids and that would solve the whole “not having any kids” issue, but I was still a man in a woman’s world.

I thought about going the way of Tom Hanks in Bosom Buddies and dressing up like woman and writing one of those mommy blogs, because we all know to act the part you have to fit the part, but I just didn’t know if I could manage it.

Then I remembered what my mother used to tell me, “You never know if you can do it unless you try”, so that is exactly what I did, I tried.

I went to Walmart and bought myself some women’s clothing and undergarments (of course), I just told the clerk who was helping me that it was for my “twin sister”, that way I could get all the right sizes without having to try everything on.

When I got home I put it all on and it fit like a glove, I felt free and fresh, like as if I could ride a horse and/or play tennis without a care in the world, I felt like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.

I never thought that getting in touch with my feminine side (huh huh) could be such an experience, one that could make me feel like as if I was Jack in Titanic and I was king, or in this case, queen of the world.

I was going to be the RuPaul of the blogging world; I was going to be absolutely fab-u-lous and no one, or no gender bias, was going to stand in my way, I was going to go all “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar” on those sexiest blogging bastards.

Only problem is, I found myself playing dress up more so than I found myself writing, I looked like a million bucks but wasn’t getting any work done, I was like one of those hot secretaries who was sleeping her way to the top instead of earning it the right way, but without all the hanky panky.

So unfortunately to be able to get work done, I had to take the women’s clothes off and get back to being a man (no more "Crying Game" parties for this man), but I do still wear the panties…what can I say, they are way more comfortable than anything us dudes have.

MJM  

“What Women Want”

Me being a man, at least according to my birth certificate that is, there were some things about women I just didn’t understand.

Now I know I’m not alone in this, that whole “men are from Uranus and women are from a penis” thing, but me being the kind of person I am I had to find out what was going on.

So I did what any red-blooded male would do in this situation, I hid behind the safety of a keyboard and asked some really cool, and hot, chicks the questions that were on my mind, while I laughed uncontrollable out of embarrassment at their responses like as if I we were back in grade school.

There were three totally tubular dudettes (listed below) who actually answered my questions, can you believe it, I’m a giddy as a school girl at a Justin Bieber concert.

 (Color coded so you know who answered what)

Beth Teliho

FB: https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.teliho

Twitter: @beth_teliho

Blog URL: http://bethteliho.wordpress.com/

Joy Christi

Blog URL: www.comfytownchronicles.com

Kristi Campbell

Blog URL: www.findingninee.com

1. If you caught a someone checking out your goods would you call them out on it or let them look without any recourse, possibly even playing it up a bit?

Beth: I’m 43 and have been with my husband for seventeen years. If a stranger was checking out my goods I doubt I’d even realize it, but if I did, damn right I’d let them. Nothing wrong with feeling like you still got it out in the real world.

Joy: Depends on where I was. Usually I just ignore it. At a bar, it irritates and annoys me, probably because of times I have gone out with my sisters. Men would buy them drinks, then feel like they were owed a half of a “Best friends” necklace. For a freaking BEER. We’ll buy our own beer, thanks, and if we want to talk to you, you’ll know. 

Right now if that happened, I would probably die laughing, as my goods are mediocre at best, and I only wear mom jeans and T-shirts.

 When I worked in an office setting, if/when that happened I would let the person know that’s not cool. Usually if I stare at their eyes with mean eyebrows, they look away first and don’t do it again. Just like a bad dog, because basically if you’re in an office setting staring at someone that way, you are a bad dog. 

Now get, go lay down!

Kristi: I’d probably let them look but would be annoyed. Or flattered maybe.

2. Have you ever used your sex appeal to get out of something and/or get something you wanted?

Beth: Are you kidding me? I’m a woman. Of course I have. I’ve been aware since I was twelve that boobs and a nice smile go a very long way in this world.

Joy: Hell yes. Not recently, but if women claim they haven’t ever, they either don’t know how, or they’re lying. For one thing, the world is an unfair place, and it’s mostly a man’s world.  (Don’t even. Women still only make about 75% of what men make.) If you don’t use every resource, at least once or twice, you’re not living up to your full potential.

Kristi: Hell yes! I used to get out of speeding tickets a lot. I’m old now though, so likely won’t get out of anything. Sad.

3. Have you ever used sex as a weapon, a way to control the person in your life?

Beth: I’ve certainly used it as manipulation (I mean, we all know what to do to get that sparkly new ring, or that bad-ass new purse, or get out of having to rake the leaves, amirite ladies?) but never as maliciously as “a weapon to control someone.”

Joy: I don’t know about weapons-grade, thaaat seems pretty braggy. 

Plus my personality is pretty controlling already. Sex is just a bonus/reward.

Kristi: Of course. I’m a woman!

4. “P” test…Playboy, (stripper) pole, porno or prude? 

Beth: Playboy. For sure. A tasteful nudie photo would be cool, with professional hair/make-up and loads of airbrushing of course. I’m not coordinated enough for a pole (nor am I interested). Porno? Uh, no. Nothing against porn, but you don’t want to see me in one of those flicks. Prude? I’m dying laughing right now.

Joy: Not a prude. I’ve looked at/seen all of these, but I don’t read Playboy, and strippers make me sad because of one that I met. She was stabbed through her breast implant and couldn’t afford to get it fixed, so she was telling me how she couldn’t even get any good gigs anymore, and you don’t even want to hear about her son. I talk about it in my “Strippers, Sock Puppets and the Best $5 I’ve Ever Spent” post. (link: http://www.comfytownchronicles.com/2013/07/the-best-five-dollars-i-have-ever-spent.html)

I’ve watched enough porn that I have a full mental catalog, but if you still need to watch guys, and girls, watch with a little control. You don’t want to set the bar at a weird place. Ever see that South Park where they didn’t have porn anymore? Sad.

Kristi: Um all three or were there four? At different points in my life, yes. To all!

5. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex, if so was it fun or revolting?

Beth: No. Except in a dream once, does that count? Probably not, even though it was h-o-t. But it’d be awkward in real life, to say the least. Not my cup-o-tea. 

Joy: Yes. It was fun. That is until a few girls that I dated really let their crazy out, but that was obviously more about their personalities.

Kristi: No. But I thought about it in a nice way…

6. Does size matter?

Beth: Yes, to an extent, but so does technique. It’s a ratio really. 

Go out of balance on that ratio in either direction and you’ve got problems. Average size with the ability to knock my socks off in the bedroom? Juuuuust right, said Goldilocks.   

Joy: Yes. There are many other things that matter, too, though.

Kristi: Hell yes. But technique matters more.

7. Breasts, manmade or what God gave you?

Beth: All natural. And God gave me a bounty. Sometimes (especially when running, or the end of the day when I want to hurl my bra across the room) I feel like He was far too generous with me.

Joy: Yes. It’s all good. I don’t have implants, but I’m not against any form of self-improvement. My family is curse-blessed with more than enough. If it makes someone feel more confident, I’m not against it. People who complain about them are either jealous or can’t afford them.

 Look it, it’s all marketing. We all wear make-up, high heels and whatnot, it’s not that much different. I do find the freakishly large ones scary funny, but hey, to each their own.

Kristi: The ones that God and Nachos gave me.

8. Nice guys or bad boys?

Beth: Really bad, and tortured, and maybe he should take that shirt off…*pant*… oh, I’m sorry, what was I saying? But here’s the rule: play with the bad boys, but marry the good ones. Especially if the good one can still be a little bad sometimes, when it counts. Capeesh?

Joy: First: Anyone can be both, that is the nature of humans, but I think I know what you’re getting at. For one night, most girls like a bad boy. 

For dating, somewhat nicer guys. I have no interest in milk toast, human doormats, or anyone that isn’t flawed, because we would have nothing in common. However, I dated bad boys when I was younger, and that gets old really fast. I like someone who challenges me, but also respects me.

Kristi: Now? NICE!!! Then? Bad bad.

9. If you have it flaunt it or keep the doors closed until they pay the entrance fee?

Beth: You know, I’m in the middle with this one. Flaunting too much can be tacky and gratuitous. But too covered up is no fun. I say a nice peek in the window is a healthy medium. 

Joy: I like the idea of an “entrance fee” hahaha, we should make someone interested in our whole being, and maybe give a little effort before the reveal, but again I say do whatever makes you feel better. Some people, a lot of younger women, don’t have a lot of confidence and feel like their appearance is what they have to interest someone. This makes me sad, and hopefully with time they will realize they can offer more. 

To me, leaving something to the imagination is more rewarding. I am a student of Dr. Lesster Ismore. Plus, I need to relate to someone on more than just a physical level. I’m not a flaunter, don’t think I ever was, I was a tomboy, but I have been to New Orleans...

Kristi: Ick to flaunting it really, I mean mostly! Nobody wants me to flaunt this shit any longer!!!

10. Do you like being treated like a lady or is it “F” that, you are woman hear you roar? 

Beth: This is situation-dependent. There is still a part of me that goes all Jello inside when I encounter a gentlemanly gesture or an act of chivalry. Maybe I’m a bit of a romantic in that sense. But there are times when it feels demeaning, too. Times when I can speak for myself. Or when I know I don’t need “special” allowances because of my gender. I want to feel respected as an equal, but honored as a woman. I don’t feel that’s too much to ask.

Joy: Both. I know, it’s confusing. I feel like when in doubt, hold the door for her. 

However, I don’t need you to make decisions for me or take care of me or kill spiders for me, I got it. And don’t tell me how to drive. I make people nervous, but I make good time and I’ve never been in more than a fender-bender.

Kristi: Woman. I’m 45. 

11. When men say, “women are too emotional to do (blank)”, do you feel like punching them square in the throat, or just let it go and prove those bitches wrong with your actions? 

Beth: A little of both. They would get a death-glare from me, no doubt. But I would prove their ass wrong, too.

Joy: Yes I usually feel like punching them, but I almost never do. Even though I AM very emotional, 95% of the time I can control myself. The other 5% is why I will never be running for congress. Or a surgeon. Or a teacher…..

Kristi: Both!!!!!????

12. Farting, hysterically funny or totally gross?

Beth: Typically funny. Especially in my testosterone-centric family.

Joy: Yes.

Kristi: Yup. Funny as hell when I do it. Gross when it’s the hubs!

13.  When you look at a man is it with hearts in your eyes or dollar signs?

Beth: Hearts. Always hearts.

Joy: I never expect any man to be my Sugar Daddy. I think that would drive me insane. Does that really happen anywhere besides movies and Vegas? Who is asking the questions now?!

I don’t need anyone to pay for me, it’s a point of pride from my single mom days. I provided for myself, owned my own vehicle and condo. I can take care of myself, and my children. 

I feel better about myself earning my own money, and buying my own things. If I want flowers or romance, I buy them and/or bring it myself. I am in charge of my happiness, what anyone I date does is just a bonus. Whenever I dated someone, I wanted an equal partner, not a father figure or a pimp, or whatever else you call a financier.

Kristi: Duh. Hearts.

14. Dinner and a movie or glow sticks and confetti? 

Beth: Neither. Or something in between. A hockey game, good seats – right behind the glass, and then out for drinks after. Although I love a good movie.

Joy: Not sure. I’m over 40 with 3 kids, so right now….neither. I did go to a glow party Saturday, but that was rare. 

If I found myself single again, I’m sure I would just want to do dinner most nights, and occasionally have a glow stick kind of night. Normally dinner is fine, but I would rather watch a movie where I can have beer and be comfy.

Kristi: All????

15. Talk dirty to me or whisper sweet nothings in my ear?

Beth: Sweet nothings = Y-A-W-N. Bring on the filth. *Shiver*

Joy: I would say the first one, I’m not sure what sweet nothings are but they sound really freaking boring.

Kristi: YES!!! Talk in dirty whispers!!!

16. A man who takes control or one who stops and asks for directions…in the bedroom that is?

Beth: Both. Take control, but be confident enough to take direction when needed. That’s hot.

Joy: Both. No one likes an inactive partner, except for I guess necrophiliacs. Not my thing.

I don’t need someone to ask, I give directions and I’m difficult to ignore.

Kristi: BOTH!!!! It took me too long to get that I liked it too!

17. Hit it like a caveman or take it nice and slow like a Latin lover? 

Beth: How much time do we have? Sometimes quick and dirty is the best. Sometimes I want it to last all night.

Joy: I’ve never been romantic. When it comes to “slow” the only thing I think is:

Kristi: Um. Gross, and yes.

18. Sappy chick flick or blow ‘em non-stop action flick?

Beth: I hate sappy chick flicks. I appreciate a good action flick, but comedies and mystery/dramas are my favorites.

Joy: I hate chick flicks, I would rather watch Fight Club...or start a Fight Club. They set an unrealistic idea about life, and they are so freaking boring I would rather watch someone punch me in the face. I don’t think I would watch one if you paid me. Well, you would have to pay me a LOT. I prefer Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and I also love a good action movie.

Kristi: ALL of the above!!! Me first, though! I just love movies!!!

19. Superheroes are cool or superheroes are just something nerdy boys who still live with their parents like?

Beth: Superheroes are AWESOME.

Joy: Superheroes are cool, and I’m down for a costume/cosplay party, but if I met someone that walked around in a superhero costume all the time, and it wasn’t a paid job or for the benefit of kids, that’s a little... beyond my area, let’s say.

Kristi: Superheros freaking ROCK. My kid said so, and I believe him!!~

20. Men, more muscles than a seafood buffet or more fat than a Big Mac?

Beth: I don’t like men that are too bulky with muscle. I like lean and tone. Nice shoulders go a long way. And those sexy hip striations…*drool*

Joy: I hate muscular men. Every one that I’ve ever dated was compensating for tiny man parts, and/or being dumber than a bag of hair. That is not to say everyone who works out is compensating for something, that was just my experience.

If these are my ONLY choices, gimme the big guy. I usually like people for the way they make me feel, more than how they look. Because of this, my exes have had a wide range of appearances, I don’t really have a type. 

I wouldn’t rule anyone out by physical appearance alone, but chances are I won’t have anything in common with someone who works out a lot. Someone who binge eats and is a big day drinker? I’m all about that life.

Kristi: Both EW – in between.

Well there you have it peeps, what women really want out of us dudes and what they think about certain “male-specific” topics, so if you’re ever hoping to get some loving from a chick that doesn’t require and air pump, I would highly recommend you pay attention and deliver the goods.

And make sure you visit all my fabulous guests (links below their pics) to show them just how much you appreciate them opening up and being honest with you. 

MJM

“The Insane Asylum: New Years Resolutions”

Here’s another new year, so I guess it’s time to make some of those “resolutions” that I really don’t plan on keeping just to make myself, and society, feel better about who we are and for eating/spending too much during this past holiday season.

I’m not really sure how a new number on the calendar will mean a new and better life for me, but what can I say, we are told to do it so I’m going to be a good little boy and do as I’m told…especially with the NSA keeping tabs on me.

My resolutions are as follows, and in no particular order:

I will... 

Start a petition to keep stupid people from marrying and having kids, because we has a serious stupid epidemic on our hands and we really need to do something to rectify that.

Lose a bunch of weight and get myself in shape, than during the next holiday season let myself go to hell and get all fat and junk, so that way I will have something to resolute next year…thinking ahead people.

Punch bitches in their throat who say anything ignorant and/or demeaning about someone else, sure there will be a lot of punching going around, but by the end of the year there will be a lot of quiet hateful punks who will have to learn sign language if they hope to communicate.

Masturbate more, I know what you’re thinking is that really possible, but I’m hoping to one day go pro, and like they say practice makes perfect and as hard (huh huh) as it will be I’m willing to put in the time and effort my dream a reality.

Pay off all my delinquent credit by sending a check each month in the amount of $0.01 to my creditors, I’m sure my bill collectors would just love that.

Give my mailman brownies laced with Ex-Lax, and then when he/she runs to use the bathroom I will steal their little mail truck and go hot-rodding in it, while blasting “Fuck Tha Police” by N.W.A.

Well there you have it; those are my New Years resolutions for this year…wish me luck.

MJM