One of my biggest pet peeves (if you
will) is when I wake up in the middle of the night from a sound sleep and have
to hit the head.
Now of course when I say “hit the head” I don’t mean
literally, because that would really hurt, but rather I mean I have to take a
pee pee.
I’m lying there all comfortable like and as snug as a bug
in a rug when nature calls, and it doesn’t call quietly either, it calls like
one of those annoying bill collectors, and to make matters worse it’s calling
collect.
So my dilemma is, do I get up and use the potty then have
to climb back into bed and try to get comfortable again, or do I just stay
there and risk letting the flood gets open?
As I’m trying to make my decision I start to fall back to
sleep, in my head the song “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin is playing, except it’s
called “Don’t worry pee happy” and I feel myself letting go…if
you know what I mean.
I already know how my girlfriend feels about me "shitting" on her, so I’m
pretty sure she wouldn’t like me peeing on her either, and when I say pee on
her I don’t mean in the R. Kelly way so get your mind out of the gutter.
If I do
happen to “spring a leak” in the bed I’ll have to wash all the bedding, my
clothes and the mattress, all the time while my girlfriend is bitching me out, not
really my idea of a good time.
On top of
that, have you ever tried to hang a mattress on a clothesline to dry, it is not
easy?
I thought
about going the way of “Lisa Nowak”, that crazy NASA astronaut who likes to
wear diapers on road trips when she’s late for a killing, and pick up some
Depends for myself to sleep in.
That way I
could sleep through the night, let loose if I need to and wake up to clean (and
dry) bed, and a bitch free girlfriend.
I even
thought about using a catheter, but then I remember how much of a wuss I am and
how I whine when I’m sick, so I decided against it.
I don’t
know, what is a man to do I tell you, life is tough.
I guess my
only real option is to sleep right on the toilet itself, that way I don’t have
to worry about anything, well except maybe for a sore neck and a ring around my
ass from a toilet seat.
This blog
is dedicated to my friend Sarah over at "SadderButWiserGirl”, not because
she wets the bed or anything, but just because she steered me in the right
direction.
MJM