“Caucasians, Dangerous Hateful Slime, or Just Misrepresented”

I personally love stereotypes, mainly because they truly represent the minority, not the majority, but some people are just too ignorant to realize that.

Take honkies for example, or white people for you easily offended, some of us do have rhythm and some of us can dunk a basketball and believe it or not some of us do have big round plump asses. Now me, I must admit that I can’t dunk a basketball and I have absolutely no rhythm whatsoever but I do have an ass that could be used as a floatation device in the unlikely event of a water landing, or so I’ve heard, but I’m not the rule, I’m the exception.

We are also not this “man” that everyone keeps talking about, nor do we all get off with just a warning when we are pulled over by the fuzz, sure there are occasions when you can place one of us at the scene of the crime, where another one of us will play favorites just because we both glow in the dark, but that happens in all races not just ours.

We European Americans come in all different shapes, sizes and colors too, we are not all one in the same, even if we do all look alike to the other races. We are made up of rednecks, white-trash, holy rollers, preps and of course golfers, just to name a few. We come from all walks of life and don’t all serve the same high master.

We may all burn in the sun and we may all believe that Jesus is the same color as us even though he was of Middle Eastern decent, but we are not all the same person, actually it’s quite the opposite. We are a diverse group of individuals, some of us smarter than others, some of us more open-minded than others and of course, at times, some of us that are embarrassed to be one of us.

For all the other races out there in cyberspace, we crackers are not all bad, nor do we all hate other races and blame them for all our problems and issues finding a job, that is just a small group of us white people who unfortunately stand out the most, but only because they are the loudest not because they speak for the rest of us.

So the moral of the story is this, the next time you see one of us walking down the street, don’t crossover to the other side to avoid us, and please for God sakes don’t kick our asses, just come over and talk to us because who knows it may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

MJM

“Will Work For a Job”

What is one to do for work nowadays…the supreme commanders…or um I’m mean the higher-ups tell us everything is looking better…that there is a light at the end of this utterly dark tunnel (aka anal cavity)…that jobs are falling from the sky in abundance like raindrops…but as we (the unemployed) know that isn’t the case.

I have looked for work within my field of expertise…and in the areas I have the most experience in…but was faced with more slamming doors than a Jehovah's Witness. All this rejection started making me feel like Snoopy…except for me it wasn’t “dogs” that weren’t allowed…it was work.

I have even applied for jobs that I could have easily done blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back and while standing on my head…but just like with an African American trying to gain entrance into the KKK…I was shot down and looked at like I had two heads.

I have applied for so many freaking jobs over the past few months that if I was paid for my time I would be sitting right next to the Donald up in Trump Towers firing people for ratings…thinking about it, maybe I should do it for a living…anyone want me to apply for a job for them.

I jump with excitement to my phone when it rings…like a child on Christmas Eve with hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there…but unfortunately my excitement quickly turns to dismay…when I realize it is not a job offer but  just another bill collector looking for money.

I have come to the conclusion that “work” doesn’t want me…like as if it was an ex-lover I cheated on and/or wronged in some way…I wouldn’t really be all that surprised if at some point in the upcoming days I’m served a restraining order from it.

I’m not giving up though…”work” is like the Russian in Rocky IV…and I’m Rocky…okay maybe I’m more like Rocky from “Rocky and Bullwinkle”…but nevertheless I still have the eye of the tiger baby.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates…it’s like a buttplug…short, hard and stinks like ass…but don’t give up people it will get better and just remember you are not alone.

MJM

P.S. Republicans…please note that I am not on any kind of government assistance program…I’m just unemployed and actively looking for work…so please step down off your soapbox and put away your guns.

“Inside My Head”

On the outside I look like any other normal cracker, someone who should belong to a country club, be playing polo and sporting a name like Biff, but on the inside is where the monster creeps.

Now don’t be alarmed, when I say monster I don’t mean an evil monster like Dracula, the Wolfman or Casey Anthony, but something more along the lines of Taz from Looney Tunes, wouldn’t hurt a fly and no one understands what the poop he is saying.

My mind is crazy, it needs to be put in a straightjacket and locked away in an insane asylum, never to see the light of day again. There is no method to its madness, it likes to laugh when others frown, it finds humor in things that others see as taboo it thinks up wild and crazy things out of the blue and for no reason whatsoever, it just doesn’t belong in our tight butt society.

I can’t control it either, it marches to the beat of its own drum, it’s like one of those obnoxious little Chihuahua dogs, speaking of which; I bet it would look fabo in the handbag of a hot blonde, not trying to be boastful I’m just being honest.

Let’s just say if my mind was a magazine it would be a cross between Mad and the National Enquirer with a little bit of Playboy thrown in too, just because you know, I am a man (Tim the Tool Man grunt) and it would come complete with crazy stories, off-the-wall humor and sticky pages.

Don’t get me wrong I do love the little booger but I also know what’s best for humanity, the world isn’t ready for him…it…Bob…I’m not really sure how to refer to it, I’ve talked it over with the voices in my head but we just couldn’t figure it out.

What shall I do, should I sniff some glue with the hopes it will screw up my brain and leave me all boring and humorless like so many other people walking around today, should I find the closest pool and leap in head first without looking beforehand, should I only watch PBS and CNN…what the poop is one to do.

MJM

“I’m Fat…and I’m Not Proud”

I know I’m out of shape, well actually I’m in shape…in a round shape that is. 

I love to eat, which I’m sure anyone who sees me can tell by the t-shirt riding up on my belly exposing my muffin top. 

This it’s just a given with fat people and t-shirts, they’re going to ride up on you, kind of like a plumbers pants falling off his ass, it’s some kind of universal dress code.

I’m big, I need to lose weight,but I’m not “have to be moved by a forklift” big, not just yet anyways. 

I can still walk by myself, I don’t need one of those electric scooter thingies, but if I did mine would be pimped out…just saying. 

When your elbows and knees become dimples you know you have a problem, thankfully I’m not there yet but if I keep going the way I’m going I soon could be.

It’s not that I’m oblivious to this and/or pretend I’m “beautiful the way I am” like so many other fat people do, but sometimes I forget it. 

I tend to get a little complacent (or lazy) about how I look and what I need to do to rectify the situation. I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m in denial, I’m just stupid.

I don’t have a gene problem either, well that’s not entirely true because I do have a jean problem in a sense, I can’t fit into them that’s the problem. 

I do have an eating disorder though, it’s called fork to mouth, I can’t stop eating and that’s the disorder. 

If I could just put the stupid fork down I would be alright.

I recently had an experience that made me realize it was time to get back in shape, time to lose all the extra weight I have been carrying around with me, get rid of my spare (monster truck) tire.

Some friends were in town and wanted to ride the go karts. I tried to explain to them that when I got they would just be karts, they wouldn’t be going anywhere. 

Things went ahead as planned, at least for them, they were all racing around the track in go karts having a blast and I was sitting off to the side watching all the fun because I couldn’t comfortably fit into them.

Now I'm sure I could have wedged myself in the seat if I tried hard enough, made myself look like about ten pounds of garbage in a five pound bag. 

I also would have to be greased just to get out, but I decided against it to save myself some embarrassment…and to save the wheels on the kart from popping off like the buttons on my pants.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself and I’m not trying to blame someone or something else for my weight issues. 

No one put a gun to my head and told me to eat all the junk I’ve been eating, and to be honest if there was a gun involved, and if it happened to be dipped in chocolate and deep fried I would have probably eaten that too. 

I tell you who I do feel sorry for though, and that is my pallbearers because they are going to have their hands full (literally) with me if I don’t lose this weight.

I must let you go now so I can get off the computer and go do some exercise before it’s too late, for me and for anyone around me if I happen to fall down.

MJM

"Women, the Weaker Sex, I Think Not."

Women…not only are they fun to look at and to play naked wrestling with…but they are indeed the stronger sex.

Now for all the boobs out there (pardon the pun)…and I’m not talking about a woman’s chest here, but the stupid mindless buffoons who can’t put together a complete thought without the help of a Magic 8 Ball…I’m not just referring to physical strength but the overall complete package.

Take for example child birth…men couldn’t do that…I mean we cry like babies at the first sign of a cold.  Think about it…we all know God is no fool…that’s why he had Eve make Adam eat the apple…it wasn’t to “curse” women because he knew they could handle child birth…he just didn’t want men to endure it because he knew all we would do is whine about it.

Women also run the world…I mean who else but a woman could jump on the pole (the one at the strip club not the one in the pants…get your mind out of the gutter) and have men throw money at them like confetti in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Let me try to make it rain while dancing on the pole…I would go to throw my legs up around it and end up sliding down and falling flat on my back right on the stage.

Fame…Look at Monica Lewinsky all she had to do was give the president a Ben and Jerry’s to become famous, now a man on the other hand has to try to shoot the president before anyone would remember his name. I can guarantee that more people know who Monica Lewinsky is then know who John Hinckley, Jr. is.

Advertising…when companies need to sell their product…who do they call on…a bunch of half-naked hot chicks that’s who…and us like a bunch of mindless sheep run out and buy what they’re selling. Stupid Axe body sprays…that crap doesn’t bring the women running…at least that’s what a friend told me anyway.

The bottom-line is this, woman are by far the stronger sex...men (for the most part anyway) are a bunch of punks...most of us could never go through what woman have to endure without crying like a newborn baby…it takes more than muscles to be strong...just saying.

MJM

“Toilet Troubles”

What is one to do…when after dropping the kids off at a public pool (using a public toilet) they either leave debris (aka skid marks) in the bowl or clog the toilet…and there is no toilet brush and/or plunger available to them?

Do you just run out of the restroom and hope no one sees you, maybe even go as far as to wrap your head in one of those toilet seat covers like some kind of make shift mask with the hopes of concealing your identity…of course using one that isn’t already used…unless that is your thing, then have at it.    

I recently found myself in a situation such as this…

After using a public toilet I noticed I left some chocolate on the bottom of the bowl and since there was no toilet brush in sight I had to come up with a plan to get rid of my mess. I was also in one of those single person public restrooms with people outside the door waiting to get in, so I knew I couldn’t just leave it without the risk of being called out and even humiliated.

I figured that maybe by flushing more toilet paper down the crapper it would eventually knock the debris loose so it would flush down, getting rid of all the evidence of my crime…all that is except for the nasty stink that lingered behind.

I must have spent about an hour or so tossing in toilet paper and flushing the commode with the hopes that it would clean up the mess I left so I could walk out proudly with my head held high. The whole time people were knocking on the door and wondering what was taking me so long…I would tell them I was having explosive diarrhea and scream out in pain to scare them off.

I was having no luck scaring off the crowd outside the bathroom or getting rid of the brown smears on the bottom of the bowl, so just like what any other logical thinking person would do when in a situation like my own; I started throwing more toilet paper in the bowl…I figured the more toilet paper the better my chances were.

I started balling it up and flinging it in the toilet like a major league pitcher putting one over the plate and with just as much speed and accuracy…then it happened. I flushed the toilet and instead of the water going down it started rising, it rose so high that it started coming over the bowl...and needless to say I started freaking out.

Not wanting to get my feet wet…and all poopied…I jumped on to the counter and sat there like a gargoyle atop a castle while trying to figure out my next move.

Now with the water flowing out of the bowl and onto the floor…like a brown waterfall…it started saturating the floor and moving closer to the bathroom door.

I knew that there was now no way out, I was going to be found out if I stayed in there any longer, so I wrapped a toilet seat cover around my head…threw open the bathroom door…and ran out of the establishment like as if the police were after me…never to return.

MJM

“Moving”

No one truly enjoys it, that is unless you’re doing it for a living and/or moving on up like the Jefferson’s.

My family moved a lot throughout my childhood…and no it wasn’t because we were military brats…it was normally because we were either being evicted, running from the law and/or just plain old out stayed our welcome. We moved so often that we become professionals…we could move a full-size house in no time flat…like as if the cops were after us…and in most cases they were.

We had the speed aspect down, but as far as being organized, well that was another story altogether. The majority of the time the packing all took place the night before and you were lucky if you saw a box, mostly everything was packed in big black garbage bags and/or pillow cases…and sometimes even in other pieces of furniture such as the microwave and/or dressers.

My mother (aka the foreman) would always be standing off to the side barking orders and criticizing what the workers were doing; things would be strapped to car roofs by means of duct tape and/or extension cords and all the while we were all yelling at each other for no other reason than that they were holding a beer instead of a box…just another move in the life of a white-trash family.

Our moves were never “on up”…ours were normally either back to start (like in the game of Sorry) or even in some cases, worse off than when we started. I can recall many times where we went from a house like the Brady's to a shack like the Bundy's and everything in-between.

We even had a few short stints on beaches and in parking lots too…we used to joke about who got the master bedroom (aka the dumpster out back). Our many moves have brought us to some very interesting places across the country, like Pennsylvania, Iowa and Florida for example…and if you’ve ever been to any of these places I don’t need to tell you that as a young kid it was a little bit of a culture shock…the people just aren’t the same from one state to the next.

Thankfully as we got older and moved on from the cuckoo's nest the moving subsided…we actually started establishing roots...and no I don’t mean the kind that show in your hair when you wait too long in-between dye jobs.

MJM

"Masturbation"

Masturbation...why is it such a taboo subject...why are people afraid to publicly admit that they enjoy partaking in it…if we have an itch do we not scratch, if we are hungry do we not eat, so it goes without saying, when we are horny why not pleasure ourselves?

People need to loosen up and not be so uptight...now I'm not saying we should resort back the whole free love era of the 60's...nor am saying I'm all for the whole everyone humping everyone else like rabbits mentality of today...but being a little less tightly wound could be very beneficial for your health and wellbeing...and not only that, it's also an incredible stress reliever.

I remember when I first found out about masturbation…it was during one of the many showers my parents forced me to take, and of course I went in kicking and screaming…however, once I started soaping up a certain body part and it grew like Pinocchio’s nose when he lied I knew I was on to something.

Admittedly at first I wasn’t really sure what was going on…but with some practice I became a real pro. Needless to say from the point on my parents never had to fight with me to take a shower…I was taking five or six a day…I felt like such a dirty little boy…on so many different levels.

It's a whole lot safer than playing a game of naked leap frog with just about everyone and anyone you meet, not only because of the chance of an unplanned pregnancy, but also because you could be a participant in a game of STD tag that you weren’t even aware you were playing. I’m not saying we should all become celibate, but a little less free humping with random strangers you met at a bar wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing.

Honestly  it scares me because condoms aren't safe enough...if I don't have at least a Hefty trash bag and a roll of duct tape available I'm avoiding going in like as if it was a haunted house and I was Scooby-Doo…or at least until Ziploc starts making condoms…yellow and blue make green.

We also had some very useful products come from the mind of a masturbator, for example Photoshop. Men were using a version of Photoshop long before the advent of the computer, except we didn't call it that, we called it sexual fantasies.

We would see an attractive woman, one who we knew we had no chance with, and we store her image into our memory banks…maybe give her the outfit we saw on that chick at the mall (aka that hot mannequin we saw in the store window) and then have her do that thing that we saw in that movie (huh huh)...and voila we now have had a "good time" with her, without her even being involved...and/or us being brought up on charges.

Also, wouldn’t you prefer to come home to find your significant other masturbating because they had some urges that needed to be satisfied, rather than finding them in bed with someone else…well unless of course that someone else happens to be a chick, then in that case I may just sit in the corner watching and handle my own business.

Call me a punk if you want for not trying to get in on the fun, but if that did happen I would not dare try to, of even want to for that matter, join in their sexcapade. I’m not stupid; I know I have a hard enough time satisfying one woman…what would make me think I could handle two.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have had some pretty wild fantasies but for the most part they are all within my limits and totally obtainable, needless to say, you won’t be seeing any of my fantasies in the” Letters to Penthouse” section...I know I’m not all that exciting, but I don’t like to set the bar too high…that way one day I may actually accomplish something.

MJM

"Political Gangs"

Democrats and Republicans...Washington's version of the Bloods and Crips...only in a shirt and tie. Think about it...both groups use colors to represent their respective hoods and group affiliation (red and blue), both groups scare people into joining them and both groups kill those who oppose them.

 

Also, just like the Bloods and Crips...Democrats and Republicans are out for themselves and no one else...if you're not with them, then you're against them...to believe otherwise is foolish.

Who do you think controls the illegal drug trade, the arms distribution and just about all the other crime in their respective areas...think about it.

They keep us fighting amongst ourselves and at odds with our neighbors...the more chaotic our lives are and the more we feel as if it's us against them...the less likely it is that we will come together as a cohesive unit and rise up against this corruption...and government.

 

There's a political turf war going on people...and we're caught in the crossfire...open your eyes and smarten up...duck and cover some beaches.

 

O.G. baby...original government!

 

MJM

"COPS"

Why all the hating on the police...now I know they're not perfect, there are some bad apples in the bunch if you will, but overall they are not all bad. Just like in any profession you're going to have some screwballs that give the rest a bad name...like for example, a few Catholic priest molest young boys and now because of that society believes they all do...which is obviously not the case. Remember people, the stereotype represents the minority not the majority...I know it's hard to believe and doesn't really make sense, but trust me it's true.

 

There are plenty of hard working good cops out there, doing their best to protect and serve their community and us as civilians....so it makes no sense to me why anyone would hate on them. Now I can understand "gangsta rappers" having beef with the police or even someone who has had a firsthand negative experience with them, but the average everyday Joe...that's just crazy.

 

My cousin who is only fifteen and is as white as can be, thinks he's a thug. He is always talking trash about the police...saying stupid crap like "snitches get stitches" and calling every cop crooked and underhanded. I tried talking to him, I tried setting him straight letting him know that wannabe thugs end up in ditches or in prison as one of Bubba's bitches but he just didn't get it. He walks around with his hat cocked sideways, his pants sagging and a chip on his shoulder and he's straight outta the country club...the kid is as hard as Charmin.

 

If you've noticed, most of the people who are against the police are the same people who are breaking the law...but as soon as some serious poop goes down, these are the same people who are running for the phone to call 911...what a bunch of posers. Considering the police are one of the highest forms of authority, I guess it's just a way to rebel, kind of like when you're a kid and you rebel against your parents and/or teachers...it makes you feel like a real bad boy...a rebel without a clue.

 

The cops aren't there to spoil your good time...as some people would lead you to believe...but if your "good time" puts me and/or my family at risk of having a bad time then you can bet your buttocks that I'm calling them on you...and they will be all up in your hair like the po lice.

 

Me personally I love the cops...call me a cop caller...call me a snitch...but when things start getting out of hand I'm right there on the phone calling in the cavalry. I don't claim to be hard...I know I couldn't survive in the joint...I would be holding onto some big guys belt loop and being traded for a pack of smokes in no time...so instead of trying to act like a tough guy, I let the pros handle it.

 

Whatever it is you call them...pigs, coppers, five-oh, the man...it doesn't matter to me...in my book they rock and deserve respect. Up with the cops and down with the crooks and wannabe thugs...straighten up and live right people...you're not Al Pacino and this isn't Scarface.

 

MJM

"One-Uppers"

Have you ever spoken to someone who, no matter what the topic is, has to one-up you? You say you did something and they reply that they did the same thing, but just with a little more pizazz than you did. These people just don't do it once a conversation either, they do it throughout the whole conversation, sometimes even going as far as to interrupt you to one-up you.

 

I often wonder, is what they say the truth, or are they making this crap up on the fly just for a successful one-up. My aunt, who is a chronic one-upper, tops you with some outlandish stuff...like she's topping her hot fudge sundae with thumb tacks...sure it's crazy, but it will get people talking...and honestly, that's what I think her ultimate goal is.

 

Sometimes I'm tempted to try and one-up the one-upper, just to see how outrageous the conversation will become...but that could be dangerous...especially if you're dealing with a professional.

 

Am I alone in wanting to slap these people in the head with a loaf of stale Italian bread?

MJM

"Bad Luck"

Murphy's law...if something can go wrong, it will...the story of my life.

 

I must have broken thirteen mirrors while standing under a ladder and while holding up an umbrella I opened up inside as I crossed paths with a black cat in a past life...because if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

I feel as if my life was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. 

 

In other words, when I'm done eating my Chinese food I get a misfortune cookie.

 

My heritage is Irish, but I can tell you for sure that I certainly do not have their luck...and thankfully, I do not have their appetite for alcohol either...because with my luck the way it is, I would be drinking like a fish...drowning my sorrows away.

 

Sometimes I feel as if I'm Wile E Coyote and life is the Road Runner...no matter how hard I try to catch the prize, I'm stuck with Acme products and always end up going KA-BOOM when all is said and done!

 

You've heard of the midas touch...well I have the shitas touch...everything I touch turns to crap!

 

I don't know what I would do if things ever went off without a hitch.

 

MJM

"The Wedgie"

Why is it considered nasty when you pull a wedgie out in public, if there's mail in the box you have to get it out?

Just like pooping, we all do it, of course some more than others and some at the most inopportune times, but the bottom line is we all unwedge our wedgies. 

As long as you're not running for president and going around shaking every one's hand after you dislodge the cotton, then what's the problem? 

Not only that, but the longer it stays up in there, the bigger the risk is that it'll come out with bacon strips and/or skid marks on it...and who in their right mind wants that.

Speaking of wedgies, I really don't understand how people can wear thongs, at least willingly anyways. 

I could see if Guantanamo Bay used them as a means of torture, possibly to coincide with waterboarding, but to purposely stick something up your kiester makes no sense to me at all. 

I can't take a healthy dump without wincing in pain, so I couldn't imagine intentionally trying to get something up there all with the hopes of making my ass look good for the benefit of the people behind me. 

The bitches behind me aren't that important, because if they were they would be next to me and not bringing up the rear, not hating, just saying.

I know that thongs and/or g-strings don't actually go up in the puckered brown starfish, down the dirt road, up the hershey highway, etc, but it comes pretty close and that's what makes me feel uneasy. 

Mine is an exit only, and just like those exit doors with the alarms that sound when they are opened, mine will do the same if anything tries to go in...just FYI.

For gosh darn sakes (sorry for the offensive language), kids in school give other kids wedgies as a way to humiliate and bully them, so why we do it purposely to ourselves when we get older boggles my mind.

Forget banning dodgeball from the schools, ban the wedgie!

That's why I'm thankful I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, but truthfully I would have to be celibate if I was, that or strictly stick to Ben and Jerry's...if you know what I mean.

MJM

"Being Sick Sucks Donkey"

I'm still here...and still just as sick as ever.

 

I've been popping cough drops like as if they were candy and drinking down NyQuil like as if it was chocolate milk...in an odd kind of way I feel both good and bad at the same time. I have the heat blasting on me and I'm wrapped up from head to toe...I feel like a Egyptian mummy on a Florida beach wearing a fur coat in the middle of summer.

 

Speaking of mummies...my mommy isn't here to take care of me and to listen to me whine, so I figured I would do the next best thing and whine about it on the internet...with the hopes that some female out there in cyberspace would hear my cries and would be willing to virtually coddle me...I feel so bad right now I don't even care if it's some big fat greasy dude pretending to be a female, as long as the end result is me getting some of that sweet motherly love I'm all good.

 

I have so much crap coming out of me that if I kept it all I could reconstruct Slimer from Ghostbusters...by the way, it may just be the cough syrup talking, but am I really the only one who thinks that the word slimer sounds kind of perverted. Anyway, my head feels like someone smacked me in the face with a loaf of stale Italian bread...over and over again.

 

Considering how bad I'm feeling, I knew I couldn't let all my internet friends down, so I got myself out of bed just to write this quick note telling you all that I felt like poop...and if you truly loved me you would send me buckets of hot chicken soup, cases of crackers and a sexy nurse to take care of me...just saying.

 

It's no fun being sick, I know everybody says that, and is aware of that, but I'm special (at least that's what my mommy tells me) and deserve to be able to say it without people looking at me all cross...show me some love.

 

Okay all you party people out there...I'm about to get back into bed...of course right after finishing off the rest of my purple drank...so I can get my Zs on. You guys/gals have fun and stay out of trouble...until next time my friends.

 

MJM

"The Tough Life of a Blogger"

This morning I was trying to brainstorm to come up with something clever to blog about...but it wasn't even drizzling...actually there were no clouds insight...it was bright and sunny in my brain and I had nothing to say.

 

I figured chatting with some of my friends online, who are also in the business, would help me come up with something good to blog about. So with my Pepsi Max in hand...which is the breakfast of champions, just in case you didn't already know...and sporting my Incredible Hulk underoos that I had since I was a kid, sure they're a little snug and look like they were dipped in chocolate and soaked in lemonade, but gosh darn it they're comfortable...I headed over to the computer to start chatting.

 

Unfortunately I wasn't able to resolve my problem, my writers block stayed intact, but I did have a fantastic time chatting with one of my blogging buddies....who by the way can be found right here Terrye Toombs. After all was said and done and I finally got up the energy to get up from my computer chair, I went outside to face the day.

 

I wasn't out for too long because that big stupid yellow glowing ball in the sky was blinding me and the "fresh" air was chocking me, so I went back inside where it's safe...and away from those crazy bastards knows as homosapien...frightening creatures if I do say so myself.

 

The short time I was out, picking up my $5 hot and ready pizza from Little Caesars...and yes, before you ask I did spring for some of that ever so tasty crazy bread...I must have contacted some germs because I started feeling like poop. Now I sit here at my desk, bundled up from top to bottom and now sporting a onesie...sneezing and sniffling...I type this piece to you, my loyal readers...who would be lost without me.

 

I hate being sick...but I do love the chicken soup and NyQuil...so I guess you have to take the good with the bad.

 

MJM

"Should Marijuana, Chronic, Weed, Pot, Mary Jane, Kush, Cannabis, etc be legal?"

I was just wondering if it is all it's cracked up to be? 

I've never tried it, yes I know I'm a wussy, but I've had severe asthma my whole life and can't even smell a cigarette without having an attack. 

With that said, I would like to know if I'm missing out on something special, or is it overrated?

I know you don't have to smoke it to get baked (pun intended) from it, you could also cook with it, because it's edible, but what would one cook with it besides the ever so popular brownies, because I'm on a diet? 

I'm a lightweight, I'm sure half a brownie would put me on the moon, like an unpaid power bill it would be lights out. 

It can also be used for medicinal purposes like glaucoma, you get to puff, puff, pass out and feel no pain whatsoever.

I wonder if I could get it for hangnail, or maybe even an ingrown hair, do they do that kind of thing?

One of my pothead friends told me that smoking it could even make certain things more enjoyable, like food, movies and even sex, he said something about "stoned sex" and at first I thought he meant you hit your partner over the head with a stone as if you were a caveman then have your way with them...but I was wrong. 

After he explained to me what it was I got kind of concerned, knowing that one of the side effects from smoking it was getting the munchies, I figured it was just a matter of time before someone was so baked that they ended up going all cannibal on their partner in the middle of doing the nasty.

Honestly from what I do know about it, and about the people who smoke it, it's no way near as bad as alcohol is.

Aside all the food being eaten I've never seen anything compared to the drama I've seen when alcohol is involved. 

Relax, I'm not for the prohibition of alcohol, I just don't understand why one is legal and the other is not. 

Speaking of which, I'm a total lightweight when it comes to alcohol too, the hardest thing I drink is mouth wash.

I'm not really pro one or the other, I'm just trying to find out what the big deal is, I know I'm short bus and all but I just don't get why in this country the powers that be don't want people smoking it.

Now there are people live and die by the stuff, take my aunt for example, she smokes it like a fiend, she smokes it more than Monica Lewinsky does Bill's cigar.

But you're always going to have a few screwballs making things look bad for everyone else, but this is true with anything, not just weed.

By the way, for all you weed connoisseurs out there, is dillweed pickled pot?

I know that was lame, but what do you expect from such a party pooper like myself.

MJM

"Online Dating Sites Getting Out of Control"

I actually just saw a commercial for an online dating site for farmers(http://www.farmersonly.com/) ...yuppers you heard me right, farmers...really?! Now I'm not against people finding love online, to each their own, but this is really getting out of hand. Not trying to sound mean or anything, but do farmers even know how to use a computer? I'm sure at least one person on the site has the username John Dear...there just has to be.
 

What's next, an Amish online dating site...honestly I wouldn't really be surprised if there already was one...seriously. Hold on a minute let me check with my good friend Google...yes there's one, it's (http://www.amishdatingservice.com/)! I really thought these guys had something against electricity and technology...don't they?
 

What about these Christian dating sites...they always claim God brought them together...but just wait until the honeymoon stage is over and the devil brings out the worst in them...then whose fault is it.

 

For gosh darn sakes there's even a dating site for people who want to cheat on their spouse...have you ever heard of Ashley Madison (http://www.ashleymadison.com/)...now that is ridiculous!

 

That's just as crazy...why are people so afraid to date (or even hang out) with people who are different than themselves...it just blows my mind.People like to preach unity when the public eye is on them, but as soon as they're all by their lonesome it's segregation all the way...people are such hypocrites. Haven't you people learned anything from the great philosopher Paula Abdul...Opposites Attract.

 

Not only do you have to hope that the person on the other end is who they say they are...and looks like their profile picture...but now you also have to make sure you're on the dating site that matches you up with someone who thinks, acts and lives like you do. It would be a really bad thing for a Scientologist who's looking for a potential mate to accidentally setup a profile on the "people who suffer from post-natal depression who take Paxil" dating site.

 

MJM

"Hair, It Grows Everywhere, Except For Up There"

As a man ages he loses all of the hair on the top of his head, or if he was bad in a previous life some of his hair...which is even worse because it's a constant reminder of what once was and is now no more.

 

Well actually we don't really lose it, it just moves from the scalp and makes its way to other areas on the head, like the nose, ears and of course the eyebrows...with the hopes of giving us the infamous and ever so fashionable unibrow.

 

Sometimes it even creeps further down the body, turning us into a human Chia Pet. Some may even think of this as reverse evolution, taking us from the homosapien and bringing us back to ape...which is not really all that far fetched if you consider how a man acts as he gets older.

 

This hair also never grows soft and straight either, it grows out like a rusted spring which refuses to cooperate and always seems to act up when we're out in public...just like a kid who misbehaves in public because they know you won't beat their bottom with others around (aka witnesses).

 

I guess all things considered, if all we have to deal with is this annoying hair issue as we get older, then we have nothing to really complain about...because I'm sure woman would trade with us in a heartbeat.

 

MJM

"A Perfect Complement to Any Meal...a Diet Soda"

No matter what you eat...from the greasiest burger to the sweetest of desserts...all the guilt seems to disappear when you follow your meal with a diet soda. Honestly, there's nothing like observing someone ordering a quarter pound burger with cheese, a large fry and an apple pie and then follow it up with a diet soda...like somehow in their minds the diet in the soda negates all the fats and garbage they're putting into their bodies.

 

Don't get me wrong, I have done this myself many times before and never thought twice about it. I had the mindset that I didn't do too bad if my drink was a diet soda versus a regular soda...all things considered though, I probably did myself more harm than good by drinking diet soda at all...but like they say, ignorance is bliss. I would have probably been better off if I just had a salad and a regular soda...but what's the fun in that.

 

We let our taste buds get the best of us in this country, we treat our cars better than we treat ourselves, are we idiots or just misled...are we mindless sheep being let to slaughter, or do we just not care.

 

If I thought it would help, I would say that we needed some kind of warning label on the doors of restaurants that served unhealthy foods and on unhealthy food products, but as we can plainly see by all the smokers in this country...people just don't care. There's too much of that "live for the moment and worry about the consequences later" attitude going around...and unfortunately sometimes requires life to pimp slap our ass to wake us up.

 

MJM

"Wrap Music"

No...that's not a typo, that's how I refer to rap music which is performed by European Americans…aka whitey.

There are vast differences between the two, that is why I believe we need a separate genre for this kind of music, that and I also feel bad for the African American rappers because whitey doesn't give rap music the props it deserves, they treat it like a joke.

African Americans rap about woman and their various body parts, their time in the hood and/or on the streets and even their time in the joint, whereas their European Americans counterparts rap about stupid stuff like killing people for fun, driving a 5.0 with the ragtop down so their hair can blow and about their time in the trailer park.

We all know that us European Americans do stupid things, think about it, whenever you hear about a wild animal going nuts and killing someone because they wanted to keep it as a pet, take a picture with it or have it do tricks who is always at the at the helm of these disasters, I'll tell you who, those crazy ass crackers that's who.

Why don't we European Americans just leave rapping to the professionals, you don't see African Americans coming into the country music scene talking about pimping out their John Deeres, pouring some moonshine out for their fallen homies or letting their overalls sag, now do you…well except for that Cowboy Troy fella!

Here's the deal, you guys take Cowboy Troy back and we'll take back Eminem, sound good? Okay, just to be fair we’ll also take back Vanilla Ice, now granted we are doing so begrudgingly, but it is not fair of us to try and pass that goofball off to any other race.

We will get Eminem out of those oversized pants and into some crazy leather getup and have him screaming over an electric guitar in no time, pimp slapping him back into reality. As for Vanilla Ice, well we will just lock him in a closet and forget he ever existed…now don’t get me wrong, I did my fair share of jamming out to “Ice Ice Baby” but we all know as far as rap is concerned, that it is not.

Who knows what Kid Rock is up to, one moment he’s rapping, then the next he’s singing country, so we’ll just leave him be for the time being until he figures out who he is and what genre he belongs to. I also don't think either side is claiming those insane clown guys, so let's just put them off to the side for right now too.

We must get music back to what it was; get it back to its proper and pure form, before white people were allowed to venture out into different genres. Keep those crackers playing metal and performing synchronized dance moves in those so-called “boy bands”…boys, yeah right, just a bunch of men going through a pre-midlife crisis.  

MJM

"The Future's So Bright...Um, No It Isn't"

I feel severely let down, like a kid who didn't get what they wanted on Christmas morning.

 

Growing up I was led to believe that by this time now we would be living era where cars flew, people where getting bionic limbs (and I don't mean to replace missing appendages either, but the kind that would allow you to lift a car over your head) and aliens (no, not illegal immigrants, but actually aliens) and robots would be walking amongst us...and as you can clearly see, that isn't the case.

 

What happened...are we not as smart as we thought we were...did we let our imaginations get carried away with us?

 

I was really looking forward to buying my own Vicki aka V.I.C.I. (Small Wonder) and/or Rosie (The Jetsons)...but no, the closest thing we have to either of them is Furby...what a crock. Okay, we do have toilets that flush themselves, which is a good thing...especially if you've ever used a public restroom in a Walmart...but I want more.

 

We are now in year 2013 and really not all that much has changed, so come on people, get on the ball and make cars fly.

 

MJM

"My First Time...So Please Be Gentle"

I am not afraid to admit it...I am a virgin blogger. Yuppers this is my first time at this and I'm proud of that...well not really, but I don't want to be made fun of so I'm just saying I'm proud of it...actually I'm really ashamed.

I have no idea what I'm doing, my blog cherry has yet to be popped if you will...and I'm scared. What do I say...am I doing it right...will I be ripped a new one right out of the box...these are some of the questions/concerns I have. What does one say in a blog...the same things one would say in a Facebook status update...or does it have to be more involved...have a deeper meaning if you will?

Any advice and/or input would be greatly appreciated. Help this blind man see.

MJM