A while
back I wrote a piece entitled, “What Women Want” and had the aid of three
lovely and very talented ladies to help me figure out just what that was.
Now
however, I figured it was the men’s turn to share their thoughts and spill
their guts, hence this piece.
There were
three totally radical dudes (listed below) who actually answered my questions,
can you believe it, I’m as happy as I was the day I discovered masturbation.
(Color coded so you know who
answered what)
Rich Rumple
Google+: +RichardRumple
Latest post: Wacky Wednesday Writers Guest Post By: Rich Rumple
Gary
Sidley
Bubblews: &gsidley
Latest
post: The Circle of Life
Phil
Holtberg
Twitter: @RegularGuyNYC
Blog: The Regular Guy NYC
1. Which do
you prefer, a woman who can hang with the boys, or a total priss who is out
getting her nails done while you’re a home watching the game?
Richard: Okay, by hanging
out do you mean screwing around with them, literally, or simply a great looking
female that everyone wishes they could have?
I’ve never been one to entertain the pass around pack concept (too many
chances of catching something you can’t get rid of). I do have to say I like one that can hold her
own in a conversation and not be afraid to try new things.
Prissy bitches drive me
crazy, although the thought of solo time does appeal to me. The only problem with the “Priss” being
absent is that there’s no one to go to the fridge for me. Being the lazy bastard I am, that is
something that is almost too horrible to even imagine. Remember, in the South, a primary phrase of
all men is, “Go git me ‘nother beer, bitch!”
(Don’t tell my wife I said that.
She’d kill me!)
Gary: Woman who can
hang with the boys for me – that is, as long as she’s not seeking to get laid
by all of them, at least not all at the same time! My lady enthuses about
football (soccer) as much as I do, and can swill down pints of cold lager at a
rate that would match that of many male boozers.
Phil: Hang with the boys! As long as she is also not banging them or
participating in a circle jerk with them.
No one likes a priss anyway.
2. The
three Bs, belching, beer and boobs, put them in order of importance?
Richard: Boobs, Boobs,
Boobs, belching, and beer and more boobs.
I really don’t drink.
Gary: My order of
preference would be: 1st boobs, 2nd beer, and 3rd belching. The typical,
real-life sequence, however, tends to be different: Beer drinking (makes us
randy), so passion and boob-kneading follows, and then (at the height of
passion) I release a stale, hoppy belch into her ear. My wife’s a very lucky
lady!
Phil: Boobs, beer, belching. Boobs rule above all.
3. The age
old question, Ginger or Mary Ann?
Richard: No question …
Mary Ann! I can’t see Ginger ever
getting up to get anyone a beer from the fridge. Mary Ann had so much energy she’d find a way
to fit the fridge in the living room next to my recliner, and still make wild
and passionate love for hours before ever getting up to fix a fantastic dinner
while I took a nap. I sometimes wonder
if those two weren’t lesbians, though.
They were always hanging out together and never really got it on with
any of the male castaways. Then again,
would you screw Gilligan?
Gary: Mary Ann for me.
Not keen on ginger-haired girls (although did go through a phase in my late
teens when I had an unwholesome desire to get acquainted with ginger pubic hair
– come to think of it, that could be a topic for my next blog post). Also, I
tend to prefer the more homely ladies than the flamboyant types.
Phil: Mary Ann. She always looked like a closet freak who dressed like
a slutty country schoolgirl. Though, with Ginger I would like to know if the
carpet matched the drapes.
4. Forget
the chicken, what came (huh huh) first, the penis or the egg?
Richard: Definitely the
penis. There would never have been an
egg without foreplay. Sex is no good
unless both parties work each other into a foreplay frenzy. (You know, when
grandpa’s ashes get knocked off the table and you don’t even realize you’re
rolling around in them!) So, imagine two
eggs attempting foreplay. Even hard
boiled, they simply couldn’t achieve any type of satisfaction. Yolks simply don’t stimulate, and egg whites
stick more than slide. Yep, definitely
the penis!
Gary: This question is
far too philosophical for my simple mind. If pushed, my diplomatic response
would be that they came at the same time – which is, of course, always the best
way!
Phil: The penis I guess. Then the egg which I would fry up with some
bacon afterwards. Post orgasm hunger.
5. A woman
who farts, funny and sexy, or nasty and a complete turnoff?
Richard: It all depends on
where my face is when it happens.
Remember, for every action there is a reaction … bitch!
Gary: It might
surprise a few people to hear that I do not like to hear women fart. Surely
such wonderful creations shouldn’t emit noxious gas, nor shit for that matter –
for many years I was in denial and would not accept that women expelled putrid
faeces; I, instead, believed that waste materials evaporated from the top of
their heads and smelt like hairspray!
The lady (and I use
the term loosely), who has been my partner for the last 33 years, farts like a
hairy biker whose lifetime diet has consisted solely of gulping down a combination
of boiled cabbage, baked beans, Brussels
sprouts and lamb vindaloo. In contrast, I never fart in front of her. You see,
contrary to popular opinion, I am a gentleman!
Phil: If in a new relationship, a turnoff. If in a long established
relationship sometimes funny. Sexy? No.
6. In the
sheets, do you like to be the one who gets the party started, or do you prefer
the woman do be the aggressor?
Richard: Depends on the
woman. If it’s someone I really would
prefer ignoring, I want to start the party, which will probably be delayed
forever. In other words, “Don’t force me
to do something I really don’t want to do.” (My wife and I live by that …
usually concerning each other.) However,
if I’m looking at her as a potential “Hell yes, take me to my wildest desire”
type, I love for her to attack. It
really helps the camera operator from having to give so many vocal directions.
Gary: A bit of both is
best, and keeps the rumpy-pumpy fresh and interesting.
Phil: Depends on the mood. If she jumps on the bed with the ball gag
and handcuffs she can be as aggressive as she wants with me!
7. Is it
the size of the woman’s breasts that attract you to her, or the size of her
mind…now be honest?
Richard: I’m not a big
breast guy, even with chicken. For both,
I prefer perfect legs. However, if I
can’t click mentally with a person, I really don’t get into sex. Okay, so we’re not discussing the state of
America’s current political structure while sweating our asses off going at
it. But, if I’m going to give effort, I
would prefer it be with someone I can communicate with. Otherwise, I might as well get out to old
inflatable doll and go at it, or someone from Alabama … say, my wife perhaps. Nawwwww … let’s go with the doll.
Gary: The initial
attraction has got to be boob size and other physical attributes – I’m actually
drawn more to a fine arse than boobs, although it is a close-run thing. But I
couldn’t spend any time with a woman who was dim and incapable of generating an
independent thought; that would be a complete turn-off.
Phil: Sorry, what was the question again? I was preoccupied staring at
her boobs.
8. Have you
ever stuck “it” in the wrong hole?
Richard: Are you familiar
with full motion waterbeds? They give
you one hell of a valid excuse to do just that, especially if doggy style is on
the agenda. If the partner complains,
just blame it on the bed and use the motion of the ocean to sail away.
Gary: Yes, late August
1977, while holidaying in southern Spain; I spent most of that autumn with my
meat and two veg in a bowl of Dettol disinfectant! But perhaps I’m
misinterpreting the question? Is there a wrong hole?
Phil: I can not confirm or deny this.
9. Are you
one of those guys who make women think all men are pigs, or a guy who makes
them realize that chivalry isn’t dead?
Richard: I personally hate
the way most men act. (Tells you I’m not
gay, doesn’t it?) Seriously, when
meeting a woman for the first time, I take her hand and do a half bow as I
raise it up some, about a foot short of where you’d complete the old, classic
act of kissing it. I open all doors for
the female, and do my best to treat her with the highest respect. I even force my eyes to look into hers
instead of allowing the eye magnets to be drawn to the attracting boobs. It has always helped me show them that all
men aren’t uneducated boner boys slobbering with thoughts of unrestricted
lust. (Yeah, I lied to get a laugh in
the earlier questions.) Even during
lovemaking, I believe that you’ve got to take care of the partner first, before
ever allowing yourself to climax. You
don’t know how many games of hitless inning baseball has gone through my mind
achieving that standard.
Gary: Definitely the
latter (I refer you to my farting etiquette, described above).
Phil: I would hope that I am a knight in shining armor. Brandishing a
well endowed sword.
10. Your
first time, how bad was it?
Richard: Terrible. You gotta remember, pubic shaving wasn’t the
thing back in the early 70’s. Having no
idea as to what to expect in the “feeling” arena, I went full blast to hurry
things up before her parents got up and came to the back porch to see why we
were out there so long. After it was
over, she told me I’d missed her completely.
The next time, I was able to tell the difference between what pubic hair
and the real thing felt like. Much
better, I must say.
Gary: “I want you.”
“I want you too.”
“I need you inside of
me.”
“Really?”
“I’m aching for you;
give it to me now.”
“OK, here goes. Do you
like that?”
“No, you’re not in.”
“Well where am I then;
I’m rubbing against something?”
“You’re too high up;
you’re hitting the bone.”
“OK, I’ll try a bit
lower then.”
“Ouch!”
“Sorry, is it
hurting?” (thinking, wow I must have a big one)
“No, you’re pushing at
the wrong hole.”
“Oh sorry; shall we try
again later?”
“Why later?”
“I think I’ve gone a
bit … floppy.”
Phil: We were drunk and broke into a model home. Was kind of funny
when we woke up the next day and the real estate agent was showing off the
house!
11. Gay
guys, do you run from them as if they were walkers and you were in The Walking
Dead, or perfectly cool with hanging out with them and being their wingman
while they pick up dudes?
Richard: I don’t run, but
I don’t hang out while they do their shopping either. I had a friend, when I was working with
venomous reptiles, that was gay. We’d go
out hunting rattlesnakes, cottonmouths, coral snakes and copperheads outside of
Atlanta in some really swampy territory.
I even wrote the Preface of his book for him. He became one of my best friends. However, we never really talked about sexual
preferences. I figured it was his
business and his right to be the way he wanted.
As with any person, if you’ll simply treat them with the respect you’d
expect them to treat you with, you’ll find there’s a lot of great people in the
world. Small minded people never find
that out.
Gary: I usually enjoy
the company of gay men. Often they are extremely witty and good company.
Phil: Totally cool with all my gay friends. I have a bunch and they
are a blast to hang with.
12. Boxers
or briefs…or commando?
Richard: Briefs. I could never get the damn thing to stay
inside of boxers.
Gary: Briefs for me,
as I require a firmer hold than boxers are able to provide – in simple terms, I
can’t stand my bollocks stumbling out of one of the sides. In my rare impulsive
moments I might go commando.
Phil: Bikini. Sometimes a banana hammock if I'm feeling frisky.
13. When
you’re sick, is it I am man hear me roar, or nurse please come quick I feel
icky?
Richard: Leave my ass
alone. Let me suffer, sleep, and get
well at my own pace. You’ll know when
I’m feeling better as I’ll ask you to go to the fridge and get me a Diet
Coke! Actually, when I awoke from having
my heart attack, I saw my wife, daughter and son-in-law all grimly looking down
at me. Trying to make them smile, my
first words were, “What? Are y’all
unhappy because I didn’t die?” That
joke bombed, but at least I tried to make them smile.
Gary: I regress when
I’m sick and hanker after a mummy substitute to tuck me up in bed, stroke my
fevered brow and tell me I’m a brave little boy.
Phil: I never get sick. I refuse.
14. Masturbation,
an everyday event or a rare occurrence?
Richard: Only if I’m too
tired for sex. You gotta keep your woman
happy, right? Why should she sit there
unhappy just because you’re tired. You just have to put your finger on the
marriage obligation and gradually work to please, no matter how long it
takes. Just don’t shut off the TV or I
might go to sleep before she reaches her “Oh, Damn, Damn, Damn” moment.
Gary: I’ve never
really been into self-abuse. It has never appealed to me. I fail to see what
the attraction … wait a moment, what’s happening to me … the page has gone all blurred
and I’m struggling to read the question … and my right wrist has seized up with
what feels like a repetitive strain injury … and my wife is referring to me as
Akihito.
Phil: Well, I am typing this with my left hand. The right one is busy
at the moment.
15. Looking
at other women when your wife/girlfriend is around, okay to look but no long
stares and please for God sakes don’t get caught, or look all you want and
discuss with your wife/girlfriend about how hot the chick was?
Richard: Okay, you can
talk, but you have to do it with class.
The typical guy might say, “Hey, look at that steamy, hot, succulant,
drippy, gooey, type of a hole walking by in those shorts so tight you could
count her pubes if she didn’t shave.” I
might say to my wife, “Now there goes a woman that is definitely looking for
the right person to notice her. By the
way, how are things in camoflauge land these days.”
Gary: I do have a
wandering eye, but stop short of long stares which would be disrespectful to
both the lady in my eye-line and to my wife; I would not wish to render either
one uncomfortable. (Another consideration would be that, if I gawped at another
woman, my wife would pummel me when we got home!)
Phil: I look all I want and discuss with my gal about how hot the
chick was. She does the same with guys. We have our healthy fantasies!
16. Chick flicks,
take on for the team and go see them, or no way in hell you’ll be caught there?
Richard: I refuse to go to
the theater these days. Too much of a
rip off for what you get. However, I
will record chick flicks off of the pay networks for my wife. I find that if I can keep her attention
elsewhere, the times I have to mutter “Yes, dear” are minimal, and I can pretty
much do as I want while they’re on.
Plus, I can pause the damn thing while she goes and gets me a Diet Coke
from the fridge!
Gary: I rather like
chick flicks. I enjoyed Freaky Friday (but that might be because I have a thing
for Jamie Lee Curtis) and I wept watching The Notebook. You see, I do have a
feminine side.
Phil: Usually no way in hell. They are boring. Plus, my gal loves
action, raunchy comedy, and adventure flicks. I win!
17. Would
you hold a woman’s purse while out in public if she asked you to, or is it no
thank you drive through?
Richard: Hell yes! Especially if the wife is trying on
clothes. It gives me a chance to check
out the cash in her wallet and see if she’s holding out on me. I’m still waiting on the day I’ll find
hundreds of dollars there. Hooking is
grounds for divorce that allow a guy to keep most of his stuff. I’ve been looking and hoping for 34 years and
the bitch is still not working the streets.
And people wonder why I’m always depressed.
Gary: I’ve been known
to hold my wife’s purse and handbag in public (even when I’m not taking money
out of either). Also, I have bought her sanitary products in a supermarket.
This must mean I’m either a modern man or the hen-pecked variety – come to
think of it it’s probably the latter.
Phil: Sure, and I have. Plus, I look in to snag some cash when I need
it.
18. Is
there anything worse than being hit in the balls?
Richard: Being hit in the
balls twice!
Gary: No, but do we
expect you women to understand? Of course not. They go on and on about
childbirth, but how can a natural bodily function like labor compare to a
totally unnatural process like being walloped in the nuts? Kneeling on a Lego
brick might come close, but a whack in the bollocks takes first prize in the
excruciating pain competition.
Phil: Hitting yourself in the balls. Belt buckles suck!
19. Are you
ever too old to fart in the tub?
Richard: I am an old fart
in a tub. However, if one must, they can
sit there enjoying the way the bubble bath filters the acid smell out of the
gas and makes the fart smell like coconuts!
Gary: No, but only
when there are no women in the house (see response to question 5). Also, with
advancing years, you have to guard against follow-through, otherwise the bath
water might resemble a melt down in Willy Wonka’s factory.
Phil: Never. It offers a good laugh.
20. Manscaping,
you’re comfortable trimming up the hedges and making thing neat and clean, or
no freaking way let that shit grow wild and free?
Richard: Fuck working in
the yard. Sweating during leisure time
is not my thing. If I can’t hire someone
to do the work let the shit grow until the neighbors file a complaint with the
city. Then, I’ll complain to the
landlord and get them to clean the stuff up.
Besides, I’m too damn busy answering well thought out questions like you
provide.
Gary: Being hairy
never bothered me until my mid-40s when I underwent a transformation. Now I’m
always trimming my intimate hedges, which can be a precarious business when
using the Power Comb of a Braun Series 5! – my nooks and crevices can appear
like the aftermath of the Battle of Rorke's Drift. If I was brave enough I’d
consider waxing, the full monty: back, crack and sac – but I’m a coward.
Phil: I always kept my chassis neat and clean. Body hairiness in the
nether regions is not really sexy. No one likes to dig through a forest down
there with their teeth.
**Extra
Credit**
21. If
boobs were cars, would you like to drive a smart car, a mid-size car or a
monster truck?
Richard: If you do it
right during your lifetime, the same person supplies all three. Generally, to attract the male beast, many
young females diet ridiculously, which usually gives you a minimal taste. As age comes around, the dieting leaves and
children arrive. Boobs tend to get
bigger here. Finally, in older age,
years of gravity pulling at them cause the boobs to droop like hell, stretching
them to the max. Those are the monster
truck years.
I’m still trying to figure
out why it works exactly opposite on a guy’s super snake. God’s got to be lying back laughing his ass
off at that trick! “Kind and loving God
… bah, humbug!”
Gary: Somewhere
between mid-size and monster would be my ideal, but with less than perfect
suspension and handling (excuse the pun). A woman’s boobs should bounce and
wobble. A female chassis should not be rigid and unrelenting; the veneer-like,
plastic boobs of many porn stars (so I’m told) are a total turn-off.
Phil: Monster truck. AMURRICA BABY!
Well there
you have it peeps, what men really want out of chicks and what they think about
certain “male-specific” topics, so if you’re ever hoping to get some loving
from a dude that doesn’t require a credit card, I would highly recommend you
pay attention and deliver the goods.
Also, if
you happen to run into any of these dudes wife/girlfriend don’t go dropping
dimes on them for what they shared here, because that’s not cool.
Make sure
you visit all my fabulous guests (links below their pics) to show them just how
much you appreciate them opening up and being honest with you.
