Monday, January 6, 2014

“What Women Want”

Me being a man, at least according to my birth certificate that is, there were some things about women I just didn’t understand.

Now I know I’m not alone in this, that whole “men are from Uranus and women are from a penis” thing, but me being the kind of person I am I had to find out what was going on.

So I did what any red-blooded male would do in this situation, I hid behind the safety of a keyboard and asked some really cool, and hot, chicks the questions that were on my mind, while I laughed uncontrollable out of embarrassment at their responses like as if I we were back in grade school.

There were three totally tubular dudettes (listed below) who actually answered my questions, can you believe it, I’m a giddy as a school girl at a Justin Bieber concert.

 (Color coded so you know who answered what)




Beth Teliho
FB: https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.teliho
Twitter: @beth_teliho




Joy Christi




Kristi Campbell
Blog URL: www.findingninee.com
 
1. If you caught a someone checking out your goods would you call them out on it or let them look without any recourse, possibly even playing it up a bit?

Beth: I’m 43 and have been with my husband for seventeen years. If a stranger was checking out my goods I doubt I’d even realize it, but if I did, damn right I’d let them. Nothing wrong with feeling like you still got it out in the real world.

Joy: Depends on where I was. Usually I just ignore it. At a bar, it irritates and annoys me, probably because of times I have gone out with my sisters. Men would buy them drinks, then feel like they were owed a half of a “Best friends” necklace. For a freaking BEER. We’ll buy our own beer, thanks, and if we want to talk to you, you’ll know. 

Right now if that happened, I would probably die laughing, as my goods are mediocre at best, and I only wear mom jeans and T-shirts.

 When I worked in an office setting, if/when that happened I would let the person know that’s not cool. Usually if I stare at their eyes with mean eyebrows, they look away first and don’t do it again. Just like a bad dog, because basically if you’re in an office setting staring at someone that way, you are a bad dog. 

Now get, go lay down!

Kristi: I’d probably let them look but would be annoyed. Or flattered maybe.

2. Have you ever used your sex appeal to get out of something and/or get something you wanted?

Beth: Are you kidding me? I’m a woman. Of course I have. I’ve been aware since I was twelve that boobs and a nice smile go a very long way in this world.

Joy: Hell yes. Not recently, but if women claim they haven’t ever, they either don’t know how, or they’re lying. For one thing, the world is an unfair place, and it’s mostly a man’s world.  (Don’t even. Women still only make about 75% of what men make.) If you don’t use every resource, at least once or twice, you’re not living up to your full potential.

Kristi: Hell yes! I used to get out of speeding tickets a lot. I’m old now though, so likely won’t get out of anything. Sad.

3. Have you ever used sex as a weapon, a way to control the person in your life?

Beth: I’ve certainly used it as manipulation (I mean, we all know what to do to get that sparkly new ring, or that bad-ass new purse, or get out of having to rake the leaves, amirite ladies?) but never as maliciously as “a weapon to control someone.”

Joy: I don’t know about weapons-grade, thaaat seems pretty braggy. 

Plus my personality is pretty controlling already. Sex is just a bonus/reward.

Kristi: Of course. I’m a woman!

4. “P” test…Playboy, (stripper) pole, porno or prude? 

Beth: Playboy. For sure. A tasteful nudie photo would be cool, with professional hair/make-up and loads of airbrushing of course. I’m not coordinated enough for a pole (nor am I interested). Porno? Uh, no. Nothing against porn, but you don’t want to see me in one of those flicks. Prude? I’m dying laughing right now.

Joy: Not a prude. I’ve looked at/seen all of these, but I don’t read Playboy, and strippers make me sad because of one that I met. She was stabbed through her breast implant and couldn’t afford to get it fixed, so she was telling me how she couldn’t even get any good gigs anymore, and you don’t even want to hear about her son. I talk about it in my “Strippers, Sock Puppets and the Best $5 I’ve Ever Spent” post. (link: http://www.comfytownchronicles.com/2013/07/the-best-five-dollars-i-have-ever-spent.html)

I’ve watched enough porn that I have a full mental catalog, but if you still need to watch guys, and girls, watch with a little control. You don’t want to set the bar at a weird place. Ever see that South Park where they didn’t have porn anymore? Sad.

Kristi: Um all three or were there four? At different points in my life, yes. To all!

5. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex, if so was it fun or revolting?

Beth: No. Except in a dream once, does that count? Probably not, even though it was h-o-t. But it’d be awkward in real life, to say the least. Not my cup-o-tea. 

Joy: Yes. It was fun. That is until a few girls that I dated really let their crazy out, but that was obviously more about their personalities.

Kristi: No. But I thought about it in a nice way…

6. Does size matter?

Beth: Yes, to an extent, but so does technique. It’s a ratio really. 

Go out of balance on that ratio in either direction and you’ve got problems. Average size with the ability to knock my socks off in the bedroom? Juuuuust right, said Goldilocks.   

Joy: Yes. There are many other things that matter, too, though.

Kristi: Hell yes. But technique matters more.

7. Breasts, manmade or what God gave you?

Beth: All natural. And God gave me a bounty. Sometimes (especially when running, or the end of the day when I want to hurl my bra across the room) I feel like He was far too generous with me.

Joy: Yes. It’s all good. I don’t have implants, but I’m not against any form of self-improvement. My family is curse-blessed with more than enough. If it makes someone feel more confident, I’m not against it. People who complain about them are either jealous or can’t afford them.

 Look it, it’s all marketing. We all wear make-up, high heels and whatnot, it’s not that much different. I do find the freakishly large ones scary funny, but hey, to each their own.

Kristi: The ones that God and Nachos gave me.

8. Nice guys or bad boys?

Beth: Really bad, and tortured, and maybe he should take that shirt off…*pant*… oh, I’m sorry, what was I saying? But here’s the rule: play with the bad boys, but marry the good ones. Especially if the good one can still be a little bad sometimes, when it counts. Capeesh?

Joy: First: Anyone can be both, that is the nature of humans, but I think I know what you’re getting at. For one night, most girls like a bad boy. 

For dating, somewhat nicer guys. I have no interest in milk toast, human doormats, or anyone that isn’t flawed, because we would have nothing in common. However, I dated bad boys when I was younger, and that gets old really fast. I like someone who challenges me, but also respects me.

Kristi: Now? NICE!!! Then? Bad bad.

9. If you have it flaunt it or keep the doors closed until they pay the entrance fee?

Beth: You know, I’m in the middle with this one. Flaunting too much can be tacky and gratuitous. But too covered up is no fun. I say a nice peek in the window is a healthy medium. 

Joy: I like the idea of an “entrance fee” hahaha, we should make someone interested in our whole being, and maybe give a little effort before the reveal, but again I say do whatever makes you feel better. Some people, a lot of younger women, don’t have a lot of confidence and feel like their appearance is what they have to interest someone. This makes me sad, and hopefully with time they will realize they can offer more. 

To me, leaving something to the imagination is more rewarding. I am a student of Dr. Lesster Ismore. Plus, I need to relate to someone on more than just a physical level. I’m not a flaunter, don’t think I ever was, I was a tomboy, but I have been to New Orleans...

Kristi: Ick to flaunting it really, I mean mostly! Nobody wants me to flaunt this shit any longer!!!

10. Do you like being treated like a lady or is it “F” that, you are woman hear you roar? 

Beth: This is situation-dependent. There is still a part of me that goes all Jello inside when I encounter a gentlemanly gesture or an act of chivalry. Maybe I’m a bit of a romantic in that sense. But there are times when it feels demeaning, too. Times when I can speak for myself. Or when I know I don’t need “special” allowances because of my gender. I want to feel respected as an equal, but honored as a woman. I don’t feel that’s too much to ask.

Joy: Both. I know, it’s confusing. I feel like when in doubt, hold the door for her. 

However, I don’t need you to make decisions for me or take care of me or kill spiders for me, I got it. And don’t tell me how to drive. I make people nervous, but I make good time and I’ve never been in more than a fender-bender.

Kristi: Woman. I’m 45. 

11. When men say, “women are too emotional to do (blank)”, do you feel like punching them square in the throat, or just let it go and prove those bitches wrong with your actions? 

Beth: A little of both. They would get a death-glare from me, no doubt. But I would prove their ass wrong, too.

Joy: Yes I usually feel like punching them, but I almost never do. Even though I AM very emotional, 95% of the time I can control myself. The other 5% is why I will never be running for congress. Or a surgeon. Or a teacher…..

Kristi: Both!!!!!????

12. Farting, hysterically funny or totally gross?

Beth: Typically funny. Especially in my testosterone-centric family.

Joy: Yes.

Kristi: Yup. Funny as hell when I do it. Gross when it’s the hubs!

13.  When you look at a man is it with hearts in your eyes or dollar signs?


Beth: Hearts. Always hearts.

Joy: I never expect any man to be my Sugar Daddy. I think that would drive me insane. Does that really happen anywhere besides movies and Vegas? Who is asking the questions now?!

I don’t need anyone to pay for me, it’s a point of pride from my single mom days. I provided for myself, owned my own vehicle and condo. I can take care of myself, and my children. 

I feel better about myself earning my own money, and buying my own things. If I want flowers or romance, I buy them and/or bring it myself. I am in charge of my happiness, what anyone I date does is just a bonus. Whenever I dated someone, I wanted an equal partner, not a father figure or a pimp, or whatever else you call a financier.

Kristi: Duh. Hearts.

14. Dinner and a movie or glow sticks and confetti? 

Beth: Neither. Or something in between. A hockey game, good seats – right behind the glass, and then out for drinks after. Although I love a good movie.

Joy: Not sure. I’m over 40 with 3 kids, so right now….neither. I did go to a glow party Saturday, but that was rare. 

If I found myself single again, I’m sure I would just want to do dinner most nights, and occasionally have a glow stick kind of night. Normally dinner is fine, but I would rather watch a movie where I can have beer and be comfy.

Kristi: All????

15. Talk dirty to me or whisper sweet nothings in my ear?

Beth: Sweet nothings = Y-A-W-N. Bring on the filth. *Shiver*

Joy: I would say the first one, I’m not sure what sweet nothings are but they sound really freaking boring.

Kristi: YES!!! Talk in dirty whispers!!!

16. A man who takes control or one who stops and asks for directions…in the bedroom that is?

Beth: Both. Take control, but be confident enough to take direction when needed. That’s hot.

Joy: Both. No one likes an inactive partner, except for I guess necrophiliacs. Not my thing.

I don’t need someone to ask, I give directions and I’m difficult to ignore.

Kristi: BOTH!!!! It took me too long to get that I liked it too!

17. Hit it like a caveman or take it nice and slow like a Latin lover? 

Beth: How much time do we have? Sometimes quick and dirty is the best. Sometimes I want it to last all night.

Joy: I’ve never been romantic. When it comes to “slow” the only thing I think is:

Kristi: Um. Gross, and yes.

18. Sappy chick flick or blow ‘em non-stop action flick?

Beth: I hate sappy chick flicks. I appreciate a good action flick, but comedies and mystery/dramas are my favorites.

Joy: I hate chick flicks, I would rather watch Fight Club...or start a Fight Club. They set an unrealistic idea about life, and they are so freaking boring I would rather watch someone punch me in the face. I don’t think I would watch one if you paid me. Well, you would have to pay me a LOT. I prefer Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and I also love a good action movie.

Kristi: ALL of the above!!! Me first, though! I just love movies!!!

19. Superheroes are cool or superheroes are just something nerdy boys who still live with their parents like?

Beth: Superheroes are AWESOME.

Joy: Superheroes are cool, and I’m down for a costume/cosplay party, but if I met someone that walked around in a superhero costume all the time, and it wasn’t a paid job or for the benefit of kids, that’s a little... beyond my area, let’s say.

Kristi: Superheros freaking ROCK. My kid said so, and I believe him!!~

20. Men, more muscles than a seafood buffet or more fat than a Big Mac?

Beth: I don’t like men that are too bulky with muscle. I like lean and tone. Nice shoulders go a long way. And those sexy hip striations…*drool*

Joy: I hate muscular men. Every one that I’ve ever dated was compensating for tiny man parts, and/or being dumber than a bag of hair. That is not to say everyone who works out is compensating for something, that was just my experience.

If these are my ONLY choices, gimme the big guy. I usually like people for the way they make me feel, more than how they look. Because of this, my exes have had a wide range of appearances, I don’t really have a type. 

I wouldn’t rule anyone out by physical appearance alone, but chances are I won’t have anything in common with someone who works out a lot. Someone who binge eats and is a big day drinker? I’m all about that life.

Kristi: Both EW – in between.

Well there you have it peeps, what women really want out of us dudes and what they think about certain “male-specific” topics, so if you’re ever hoping to get some loving from a chick that doesn’t require and air pump, I would highly recommend you pay attention and deliver the goods.

And make sure you visit all my fabulous guests (links below their pics) to show them just how much you appreciate them opening up and being honest with you. 

MJM

98 comments:

  1. I have never met these awesome women, and it's amazing how similar our answers are. We obviously all know what we're doing.
    Either that, or we have all, by mayhaps process of elimination, figured out what some women are determined to find out the hard way:
    That the muscle-clad "bad" boy is like cake, delicious at the moment but bad for you in the long run.
    This was fun, and we should come up with some counter questions for you now!

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    1. Great minds think alike my friend, and not only that, all three of you chicks rock!

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  2. Hahahaha! So many of the questions AND answers made me giggle. What a fun post!

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    1. Thank you my friend. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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    2. Thanks for checking it out, Mandi. You're awesomesauce. :)

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  3. This was a blast to do with you, Mike! You did a great job putting it all together. And I love Kristi and Joy! I'm in GREAT company. I can't believe how similar our answers were...haha!

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    1. Just like I told Joy, great minds think alike. I had a lot of fun too, you three are totally rad.

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    2. Loved all the responses! Just discovered Beth and I have close birthdays last month. Now I discovered we are the same age, married the same length of time, with testosterone in the house.

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    3. OMG Kenya! Seriously? That's hilarious....and cool! I love that. We are twinsies!

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  4. This was absolutely brilliant, Michael! Yep, I read the entire post and every commenters answer word for word. Thank you to Beth, Joy and Kristi for their candor, honesty and humor! :)

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    1. Thank you my friend, it's all thanks to the three great chicks who weren't afraid to join me in my madness.

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    2. Thanks for reading, Mike V! Dang there are shitload of Mikes over here.....

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    3. I am the shitties Mike...I called it first!

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  5. First - I would flirt shamelessly with all three ladies here.
    Second - I would whisper sweet dirty nothings in their ears while giving each a massage.
    Third - I would then make each of them a sammich.

    Great post and I appluad them for baring it all here.

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    1. They were all awesome. I love how honest they were and completely willing to bare all (huh huh).

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    2. Dirty whispers, a sammich, AND a massage?!?!

      *glow* I'm having a cigarette right now.......

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  6. OOH Phil is making us sammiches??? Sorry - distracted...
    Joy and Beth are awesome! I, too, can't believe how much we are interchangeable!! What a fun post! Now you'll have to do the male version, right? ;)

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    1. Are you three really all the same person, is this like some kind of cyberspace Twilight Zone episode?

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    2. Maybe we are......maybe we aren't.....maybe we're one man pretending to be three women.....maybe we're six women pretending to be a horse....maybe I used to be a man,.....maybe this just got weird.....

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    3. I used to be a man, when I was first born that is, but then I grew up and become a woMAN holla!

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  7. Haha! These answers were amazing-- I have to say: Beth, you answered questions exactly like I would have expected!

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    1. Aren't they...the girls keep it real.

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    2. haha Aussa. You know me too well. :)

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  8. Hahaha, good stuff here. I don't know Joy, but the other two broads are pretty top notch in my book. Crap, is broads ok to say in 2014?

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    1. Ohhh you are in trouble, you called chicks broads.

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    2. hey, I'll take being a top-notch broad from Don any day of the week and twice on Tuesday! Love me some Don Re!

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  9. Michael! Dude! You went for the tough questions in a big way! And ladies! I applaud all of you for stepping up to the plate. I've never thought that being "checked out" was a bad thing - and while I've heard that big boobs and a nice smile go a long way, I can't attest to it myself. Dinner and a movie or glowsticks and confetti? I say I'd take either with the three of you! Well done!

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    1. And believe it or not, all this went down without me getting my face slapped or my manhood kicked in. For the record, the boobs don't have to be all that big, and the smile doesn't really matter all that much.

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    2. Aw, thanks Ilene! And I agree with Mike, boobs don't have to be big....just present. And a smile does to count, Mister!!! If I'm flirting to get my way and have a shitty look on my face....that would be weird. Flirty smiles go a long way, dude. That's what I meant.

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    3. Boobs are all that matter, well buns do too, but definitely not smiles...no way.

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    4. Ask any guy, if they're honest they will backup what I'm saying...if they're not, they'll say something like the eyes or a smile.

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  10. Michael - I was invited by Beth, and this was awesome! Loved the questions, the answers, and all three ladies rocked it!
    I'll stop by again - this was fun!

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    1. The ladies made this piece totally awesome...they rocked it. Thanks for coming by my friend.

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    2. Thank you, Samara, you sweet thing! xo

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  11. When I saw on Beth's blog that she was here answering questions, I knew I'd have to check it out. Very entertaining stuff! Loved the questions. :-)

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    1. Thank you very much my friend, and I really appreciate you stopping by...see what a little Beth will do for you.

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    2. AW, thank you Kitt! You rock, and thanks for coming over and reading!

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  12. very awsome post. great insight into these particular gals.

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    1. THANKS for heading over here and checkin' it out, Mike R!

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    2. The chick-a-dees rocked it. They are freaking awesome.

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  13. Cool beans, buddy. You pulled this off beautifully ;)

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    1. He did do a great job. Love that his questions pushed the envelope. This was a blast! I owe special thanks to you, Lizzi, for hooking us up for this interview! MWA!

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    2. Thank you girlie girl...and thanks so much for making this all happen.

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    3. Yes, thank you Lizzi! Even if, in MY case, you should get your eyes checked if I fall under "hot" but I definitely don't get offended easily, so I thought I would give it a shot. SO glad I did. Being a WAHM, I haven't thought about these kinds of things in awhile. It was nice to feel human for a bit. Kind of.

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    4. You're welcome, my lovelies :D It was fun hooking you up, and the results were pretty damn hilarious

      (also, disclaimer - I had NO idea what Mike was asking before I read this today. I doubt I would've been quite so ready to drop you in it, otherwise, but hey, all's well that ends well, right?)

      ((And Joy, shurrup :p My eyes don't need checking! Glad you felt kind-of-human,))

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    5. Joy stop being modest, you know you're smoking hot babe.

      Lizzi stop lying, you told me to make sure the questions were outrageous and something that would make someone blush.

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    6. *snorks with laughter* well you certainly did that :D

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    7. See everybody...everything I do is because of Lizzi, so don't hate on the flying monkey, it's all the witch's fault.

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    8. Lizzi IS amazing. Everywhere she goes, magic happens.

      But I didn't blush. *winks*

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    9. I really really hope that all the farting and pooping your pants isn't included in the 'things you do because of Lizzi' category because EWWW!

      If I were a witch, I'd magic you some immodium or something...

      Otherwise, quite happy for magic to ensue, and thank you *grins HUGE*

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    10. Lizzi all the farting and pooping was only because of you.

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  14. Love this project, what a great idea. I'm a big fan of Beth's, followed her here and glad I did!

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    1. I am a big fan of Beth's too...she's my idol.

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    2. Thank you, Karen! I'm a HUGE fan of you, my friend!

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  15. Let's congratulate these women for their honesty and smart answers!! Super post, what i needed to right now...

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    1. The babes hit it out of the park.

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    2. Thanks, Johnny! Appreciate it. :)

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  16. Fantastic job! You sure picked the right three women, too because I would expect total honesty from all of them, especially Beth! So, I'm assuming you have us all figured out now, right?

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    1. haha yeah I'm too honest for my own good sometimes! My husband reads this stuff and just shakes his head, mumbling, "be careful...." LOL. He liked all my answers, fortunately. No scolding for saying too much...this time. Thanks, Sandy!!! xoxo

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    2. Sandy they are freaking awesome...I love them, and their honesty, more than a fat kid loves cake.

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  17. This reminded me of an R-rated version of the Dating Game. And I pick Bachelorettes 1, 2 and 3. I don't swing that way, but if I did I would go after all three. Nice job, ladies. And Michael.

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    1. oooooh, an R-rated dating game would be awesome! I was pretty PG-13 on this post...imagine if I could go R!

      Thanks, Dana! I was in good company on this post - LOVE Kristi and Joy! And we didn't even know the other was doing this....how funny is that? Our answers are SO similar!

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    2. Dana don't give Beth any ideas, we wouldn't want her ending up in jail...well that is unless it's one of those hot Showtime after dark jails with all the sexy lesbians.

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    3. What other kind of jail would it be?

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    4. Wait! What? There really is a jail like that...sign me up!

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  18. Michael, what a fantastic friggin' idea! If you do a part two, I want in on it. Loved this.

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    1. Tamara, he's a bit of an evil genius, isn't he? I think he should do a part II and you should totally be one of the interviewees!

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    2. Tamara if there is a part two you will definitely be involved, you and Lizzi, because I'm sure you both have a lot to say.

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    3. Ut-oh! Can I lie? I'm really terribly boring... :/

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    4. Lizzi...you are so far from boring, so stop lying.

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    5. Compared to these guys? Vanilla and pure as the driven snow (sadly).

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    6. Girl don't sell yourself short, you are one interesting and awesome chick-a-dee yourself.

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    7. I wish, I wish I was *sigh*

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    8. Stop doubting yourself, you are...and I get the last word, so it's true. Nah nah.

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    9. I shall stave off judgement until I've jumped through whatever hoops you're cooking up for me and Tamara. THEN we'll see!

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    10. You know me...my questions are harmless.

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    11. BWAHAHAHA pull the other one, love! It's got bells on :D

      You know where I am when you have them ready ;)

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  19. Love the honesty of these awesome women! What a great post! I can't imagine what my answers would have been to these crazy questions:)

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    1. You are so feisty and tough....I can't imagine what your answers would be either! Thanks for reading, Manal! xoxo

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    2. Those gals really are awesome, I pitched them the ball and they hit it out of the park in a major way. Manal...next time you in?

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  20. I enjoyed reading this more than most things.

    I like these women. A lot.

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    1. These chicks kick some serious donkey...they don't play around.

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    2. Where were your answers then, you slacker? Cos I tried to pimp YOU to MJ and all, and...*crickets*

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  21. Thanks Mike for being ballsy enough to ask the questions. Three really interesting respondents. Women are now (slightly) less of a mystery to me.

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    1. Anytime my friend...you know I got our back.

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  22. Sorry we're late on arriving to the post. We just found the plug for it on Twitter & came running as fast as we could as we both are huge Beth fans & wanted to read the post What Women Want so we could adjust our list!! lol. Fantastic idea Michael & clearly you are a confident man who is secure in his own skin. Most men wouldn't dare ask that question but would pretend to know all the answers. Notice the word pretend. lol. All three women answered beautifully & are clearly phenomenal women. But let us say that the questions we're just as fantastic giving the ladies something to think about!! We love this blog & have started following you & look forward to your future posts & getting to know you better!! Excellent job everyone~ :D

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    1. First off, thank you so very much for stopping by and connecting, you frigging rock.

      Secondly, I don't blame you for being a Beth fan she flipping rocks, and if it wasn't for that stupid restraining order, I would still be stalking her today.

      All the ladies did a great job, and I am ever so thankful they graced my blog with their presence.

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  23. LoOOoooooove!
    I completely enjoyed reading these fab questions and HONEST answers.
    Spectacular Chicks, Man.
    xx

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    1. Weren't they, these chicks rock the catbox.

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  24. Great post, Mike. And credit to your three ladies for being so open.
    I've definitely learnt something about women - mainly that I know very little about them at all!

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    1. Thank you very much my friend, and yes these three ladies rocked it!

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