"How [Not] to Write Like a Blogger"

Ladies and gentleman, guess who stopped by for a visit to the Insane Asylum...the mutha fracking rockstar badass herself Terrye Toombs!

When Terrye isn't annoying fellow bloggers or practicing her pole dancing routine, she can be found ranting her behind off at asshatrants.blogspot.com. She also has serious delusions of becoming a published science fiction author and is documenting that little misadventure at ttoombs08.wordpress.com. And if you really want to impress her, try following her on Twitter: https://twitter.com/TToombs08

"How [Not] to Write Like a Blogger"

Blogging is the redheaded stepchild to real writing. Or so a lot of people think.  And that begs the question, “Why do so many people consider bloggers to be less than real writers?” Could it be the endless supply of blogs featuring crappy writing that ignores the basic rules like spelling, grammar and punctuation? Or the overabundance of ‘mommy’ bloggers flooding the market with their constant talk of poopy mishaps and boring suburbia? What about just plain old greed – people thinking that throwing any old crap up on a blog to sell something is going to make them over night millionaires?

I’ve met a lot (ok, a lot might be a slight exaggeration) of talented bloggers that, if they weren’t blogging, could be confused for ‘real’ writers. Unfortunately, they get lost in the tidal wave of substandard and downright yucky blogs. But, what if you want to be a blogger and not fall into the category of ‘just another blogger?’ How can you stand out from the crowd and garner the attention you so well crave and deserve?

1. Write in your own voice. None of this mealy mouthed, pansy cow manure stuff where you mimic another blogger’s voice! Readers will see through that like a nightie on a porn star. What? You don’t have a unique voice? I bet your momma could pick you out in a crowd of screaming toddlers in the wave pool when you were a kid. Everyone has their own voice, you just need to rediscover it and hone that bad boy, yo!

Question for the Hostest with the Mostest: MJM, how did you finally realize you found your own voice in your writing? Was it when they started threatening to burn you at the stake or when beautiful women started tossing their undergarments at you while you walked down the street?

MJM: Actually I found many voices in my writing, of course they were all in my head, and constantly bickering with each other over what to say or not say, but for the most part they all get along pretty well.

Really though, I never had to find my voice; I just stayed true to who I was and didn’t worry about what the haters and/or lollipops (people with sticks up their ass) thought about my work.

I just wrote what was on my mind, with no regard for good taste or concern for being politically correct, which I’m sure you can plainly see from the inane ramblings you will find plastered all over my blogs.

2. Use all that crap you hated in English 101. I guess you shouldn’t have skipped class to go hide out in the arcade and smoke those stolen cigarettes, huh? Your parents told you that was going to bite you in the ass, and here we are. Consider your ass bitten. But what can you do about it? Short of going back and begging Mrs. Correct English to instruct you all over again, check out some easy to follow online English sites. A short little google search and you’ll have all the answers you’ll ever need.

Question for Big Daddy B(logger): What has been the hardest thing you had to learn as a blogger?

MJM: The hardest thing I had to learn as a blogger was that we, much like Rodney Dangerfield, got absolutely no respect.

No matter how well our grammar is, or how well the piece was written, it would most likely be overlooked and not giving the credit it deserves because we are nothing more than the crappy bottom feeders of the writing world (aka bloggers).

3. Be real. Seriously. If you try to copy someone else’s style, not only will the originator hate you for life, but nothing you ever post will be taken seriously by your readers. They’ll always wonder who you ripped it off from. Don’t be that blogger. There are too many of them already. And if your face is turning red right about now, you’re probably one of them. Cut it out. Give us an original reason to like or dislike you. As for telling tall tales, everyone has done it a time or two, but don’t try to sell it as gospel. You don’t need to lie to your readers to get them to like you.

Question for The Power Strokin’ Sex Machine: What is your biggest pet peeve about fake bloggers?

MJM: My biggest pet peeve about fake bloggers is that these bitches and bastards actually think their shit doesn’t stink, that they are something special and God’s gift to the world of writing.

This blows my mind considering that they don’t have an original bone in their body or an interesting thing to share, but I guess what they lack in skill they make for in attitude.

4. Ego. Some bloggers are so in your face that you just want to email yourself to their home of residency and have a few offline words with them. And then there are the ones that just don’t realize how incredibly great they are, no matter how much their fans sing their praises.

Question for the Warden of the Asylum: If you had one tiny bit of advice to give a blogger that was suffering from low blogger ego, what would it be?

MJM: My one tiny bit of advice to a blogger that was suffering from low blogger ego would be that if you’re staying true to yourself, and putting everything you got into your work, then you should be proud of the outcome and embrace your work with a smile and the satisfaction of knowing you did your best (it may sound cliché, but it’s true).

I would also caution them to not take themselves too seriously, and to always be open to listen to constructive criticism, because if your head gets too big you may find yourself toppling of that pedestal you so undeservingly put yourself on, and trust me the fall is going to hurt.

5. Why Do You Have To Be So Mean? Some bloggers resort to insulting other bloggers. I don’t know whether it’s because they are insecure in their own blogging abilities, or they just weren’t liked as a kid. Regardless of the reason, it’s not an excuse to insult other bloggers. It’s plain and simple bullying. And we know how most of the world feels about bullies.

Question for our Main Man Michael: If you could tell all the blogger bullies a little sumthin’ sumthin’, let ‘er rip!

MJM: The one thing I would tell those bitch ass blogger bullies would be to step off before you get punched in the throat.

Just because you parents didn’t hug you enough when you were a kid, and you’re writing sucks ass, doesn’t give you the right to trash talk someone else and belittle their work.

Regardless of why you’re doing it, it’s not cool and completely uncalled for…so stop taking out all your insecurities on us you big meanies.

I may not have all the answers, but I know from multiple failures, what doesn’t work. Being original and unique, no matter how vanilla or white bread you are, can really help you to stand out in a crowd. Even without dying your hair purple. So, embrace your voice, find that distinctive personality buried within you, and use your words. But above all else, don’t be afraid. No one has ever died in a horrible blogging accident.