“The Plus Side to Subtracting One”

Breakups suck, there’s always one person left hurting and wondering why, while the other, is jumping for joy like a person in one of those old Toyota commercials from the 80s.

Sure you lose that certain someone, which may be good or bad depending on what side of the emotional gut punch you were on, but all in all it’s not entirely that bad, especially from a man’s perspective.

There are things that you get back, things that were once labeled as immature and gross, things that were frowned upon and not appreciated in the company of a woman, things that only other dudes would understand and respect.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are some of those things I’m talking about.

We can now pick any hole in your body, including our anus, without receiving condemning stares and/or having to endure a barrage of insults.

We can now play our video games, and with ourselves if we so felt the need, without any interference or someone wanting to talk about feelings and emotions.

We can now adjust our junk freely, no matter where in the house we are, and if we’re having one of those bad junk days, we can walk around in our birthday suit letting it all hang out.

We can now leave skid marks in our undies without worrying about the repercussions, with no more disgusted looks and/or females dry heaving while doing the laundry.

We can now dispel gas from any orifice we like, and as loud as we want, without anyone giving us a hard time or looking at us as if we were an orangutan at the zoo.

We can now eat all foods we couldn’t before, and watch all the movies/televisions shows that were once off limits, for example we could now eat a big bucket of fried chicken while watching wrestling if we so choose to, all without any female interruption.

We can now check out at all the females we want, no more pretending that we were looking at the squirrel in the distance behind the hot blonde in the tight dress with the ass like pow, and the boobs like plow.

We can now freely watch cartoons anytime we want, while not having to pretend we were doing so to spend “quality time” with the children.

We can now take a dump in peace, no more worries about leaving debris in the bowl and/or courtesy flushing mid- movement because people are complaining about our aroma, and we can spend as much time as we want on the throne without someone banging on the door telling us to hurry up.

We can now laugh at all the nasty things we hear, and all the things that aren’t dirty but sound dirty, like when announcer for the football game talks about a player’s ball handling skills. Huh huh

We can now listen to whatever music we want to in the car, no more fighting over the radio station or listening to a chick sing a Michael Bolton song off-key and butcher it (if that’s even possible), all the while telling her she sounds good because we looooooove her.  

Well there you have it fellas, the plus side to subtracting one from your relationship.

I know it’s hard, but take it in stride and get back to being a real man (insert manly grunt here).

MJM