“Wings, Breasts and Thighs”

No I’m not ordering a value meal from KCF, but this story does have something to do with chicken…and chicks for that matter, but not the baby chicken kind, but rather the kind you would see in a Motley Crue video.

My girlfriend and I were discussing where to eat dinner, and with me being a carnivore I wanted to get wings, so I suggested Hooters. My girlfriend wasn’t too pleased with my suggestion, thinking I only wanted to go there to get my rocks off…to quench my lust, not my appetite.

I told her it’s wasn’t my fault that the majority of places known for their wings are also known for their ensemble of bevy beauties wearing next to nothing serving them, and I told her that fact had nothing to do with my desire for breasts…ooops I mean wings.

Speaking of Hooters girls…I always kind of thought of a Hooters girl as the first step in the evolutionary process of a chick becoming a porn star, of course with the stripper in-between…is that bad? One day serving wings, the next day swinging on the pole and then finally baring all and getting their freak on in front of the cameras for all the world to see.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I weren’t seeing eye to eye on the matter, she wasn’t buying the fact that I only wanted to go to Hooters to eat their wings and not to look at their breasts and thighs.

She just couldn’t believe that their food was actually worth eating, she thinks people (meaning of course men and on occasion lesbians) only go to Hooters for the waitresses. I assured her that wasn’t the case, but to be honest I personally didn’t view it as a bad thing that the waitresses were dressed like Daisy Duke in lycra and nylon, after all I am a red-blooded male.

Needless to say she didn’t really care much for my honesty, and I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to slap the taste out of my mouth. So I quickly improvised and said, “you mean to tell me that if there was a place that served Bon Bons and the waiters just happen to look like the Chippendale dancers that you wouldn’t want to go”?

Well if that was the epitome of adding fuel to the fire I don’t know what is, chalk another one up to male stupidity...…I guess it’s true, stupid is as stupid does.

Now not only did she look like she wanted to slap me silly, but she also wanted to punch me square in my grill with the hopes of breaking my jaw so I could no longer say anything stupid…or eat wings.

To get back on her good side I suggested we just get something to bring home, since I would rather spend my evening with her and only her. So she ended up eating a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream and we watched Magic Mike on Blu-ray…in 3D.

So men…heed my words, Hooters is cool for an outing with the guys but not with your woman. I’m still having nightmares of being chased by schlongs that smell like mint chocolate chip ice cream.

MJM

“Food Critic”

I love food, and I know what you’re thinking, “who doesn’t” but unlike everybody else I also love to read food and restaurant reviews. I know to the average person that doesn’t really seem all that fun, but to a fat man like myself, a good food/restaurant review is like reading a good book.

I always dreamt about writing one, sharing my views and tastes with the world, but unfortunately I am what you people with money would call flat busted,like a five year old chick.  So I never really had the opportunity…or so I thought.

Now I know I can’t review, or even step into for that matter, one of those fancy five star restaurants so I figured I would do the next best thing, which is to review an establishment that I am able to eat at. Now with that said, I would like to share my review of McDonald’s with you.

Before I get to my review I want to take a second to say it truly saddens me that all the great characters we grew up with are no longer there. I don’t know, maybe they’re worried the same stupid people who blamed Joe Camel for kids smoking would blame the Hamburglar for kids eating hamburgers, who knows.

I say kill all that noise and bring back the McDonald’s crew, keeping only Ronald is like the show Seinfeld getting rid of Kramer, George and Elaine and allowing Jerry to run things by himself, it just wouldn’t be the same and/or just as good. We need the Fry Guys, Grimace and of course Mayor McCheese back in the house.    

Okay, now back to my review of McDonald’s…

For the most part the restaurant was clean, the flies were to a minimal and only a few of the garbage cans were overflowing. I must say that the ambiance was perfect, at least when it came to the kind of food they served, because what better way to distract you from what you’re putting in your mouth than with a bunch of screaming kids and people complaining about their order/service.

The food, well I had the chicken McNuggets with a hair of the cook garnish, some overly greasy and salty fries and topped it all off with a diet Coke (that way I wouldn’t feel guilty for eating the nuggets and fries…smart right). After finding a table that wasn’t as sticky as flypaper, and of course after exchanging my McNuggets for a fresh set, I sat down to eat.

You have to eat the fries first; because once they’re cold they’re no good and not even worth the potato they were cut from, that is if they are really even from potatoes in the first place. You never really know when it comes to McDonald’s food, if it really is what they say it is.

When you bite into them there is an explosion of salt and grease, kind of like a high cholesterol firecracker exploding right in front of your face, so in a way it’s like getting dinner and a show. However, if McDonald’s wants to avoid lawsuits they should probably serve them with a pair of safety goggles, or at lease put a warning on the label.

Now for the main course, I had the chicken McNuggets (now garnish free) with a nice honey mustard sauce cooked well done, and just because I was playing the role of a critic on this particular visit I ate them with a knife and fork, granted they were plastic but they still did the trick.

Now after the first bite I decided to look directly into the nugget to see what was hidden underneath that golden brown crust and I must say I do not recommend this to anyone, you won’t like what you see. You know the way one is not to look directly into an eclipse; well the same is true for the McNugget.

Honestly I wasn’t really sure what I saw; it looked like meat but moved like pudding, it kind of grossed me out. I was about to abandon ship and toss the remainder of my food up in the air and make it rain chicken* (the board is still out if it is indeed chicken) nuggets but being the dedicated critic I am, and also now being broke since I spent the last of my money on this crap, I went ahead with the mission and finished off my ten piece.

I finally was done with my meal and went to throw away my trash. I couldn’t find a trash receptacle that wasn’t overflowing at this point, so I had to delicately place my garbage on the very top of the heap all with the hopes of not toppling it over, because we all know whoever topples it has to clean it and it was bad enough I was eating garbage, I didn’t want to clean it too.

My review, even though I could feel my arteries hardening as I ate my meal and was burping up grease for the rest of the day, I would have to say when it comes to fast-food McDonald’s gets a three out of five heart attacks…not really lovin' it. Now if they were to bring back the old McDonald’s crew that we all know and love I might go as high as four out of five, but until then they’re only getting a three.

 MJM

“Not All Advancements in Technology are a Good Thing”

I'm not one to drop the kids off at a public pool, if you know what I mean; I prefer to use my own private pool where I know just whose cheeks were on the seat. However, this past weekend we were out and I had to go really bad, to put it bluntly I was prairie dogging it.

I felt as if I was going to have a Beverly Hillbillies moment…up through my buttocks was about to come a bubblin' crude…it was not a good thing. So unfortunately I had no choice but to hop on the porcelain throne with a quickness, I knew I wouldn’t even have time to sterilize the crime scene.
 
 So I clinched my cheeks firmly together and wobbled into the restroom making sure not to have any leakage along the way and proceeded to drop off my cargo. Shortly after the first drop, plop and splash I realized I was stinking up the joint, so I turned around and reached for the handle to do a courtesy flush.

To my dismay I realized it was one of those automatic flushing toilets and I was poop out of luck (pardon the pun), well unless I wanted to hop off the seat with my full moon hanging out in all its glory to make the toilet believe I was done.

Needless to say I decided against it, because with my luck I would have ended up tripping on my pants when I stood up, falling face first on that nasty ass floor, leaving me unconscious and my bare bottom up in the air for all to see…and claim if they so choose to. 

I tried to quickly finish up so I could get out of there before anyone else came in, which thankfully I managed to do. So in my opinion this is one time where technology did us wrong, they should have left well enough alone.

Now I know this advancement was supposedly to make things more hygienic…and of course so that it would flush when one of those flushless bastards did their business, but come on man this is just crazy.

I later found out that some of these automatic flushing toilets do indeed have buttons on them for flushing, and I must say after finding that out I felt kind of stupid. Here I was trying to move side to side like a running back trying to avoid being tackled hoping to trick the toilet into flushing and all I had to do was hit the button…so not cool.

The bathroom I was in also had those motion activated sinks; and trying to use them was just as much fun as the toilet. I spent more time trying to get all this crap to work then I did…well crap.

I felt like the Karate Kid just trying to wash my hands…water on, water off. I hate those gosh darn things (sorry for the harsh language I'm just PO'ed). I looked like a retarded DJ scratching on turntables trying to get the water out of the faucet; people were looking at me like I was mentally handicapped.

I love the advancements in technology when it comes to my video games and such, but please for gosh darn sakes, leave my bathroom alone! Say goodbye to the courtesy flush people, it's a thing of the past thanks to all these eggheads.

MJM

“Dinner with the Family”

As a kid there were things that I learned to expect when it came to certain family members of mine, for example my Uncle Jim would always be brought home by the cops after a night of drinking like a fish and pulling the old “chew and screw” scam without fail.

Now for you dysfunctionally challenged people out there in cyberspace, the chew and screw is when you go to a restaurant and order and bunch of food and drink, living it up as if you were large like Trump when in all reality you are tiny like Tim, then when the bill comes making a mad dash to the door with the hopes of not getting caught.

There was this one time in Philadelphia when my uncle came home just as shitfaced as ever and ready to go. Knowing he didn’t have any money but wanting to get his grub on anyways he decided he was going to dine at one of the local restaurants in our area…one that served alcohol of course.

This time however, he invited me and my siblings to go along for the ride and with me being a little older than the others I knew what was going to transpire, but being hungry and up for some excitement I decided to tagalong.

As we approached the door I started feeling a little uneasy but I knew it was too late to back out so I just had to suck it up and not say a word, and as we walked through the restaurant towards our table I felt as if every eye in the place was on us.

The waitress came over to introduce herself and to hand us our menus, she was as pleasant as could be and so friendly that she felt like part of the family…a family that screws each other over but still a family nevertheless. My uncle, still drunk off his ass, told the waitress to call him “Sheamus” because all his friends did.

As I looked over the menu it felt as if I was in Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart”…only I didn’t hear the heartbeat of my victim under the floor boards, it was the screaming of the waitress as she brought the check only to find out she wasn’t getting paid.

I finally relaxed a little and realized if I was going to get in trouble I might as well make it worth it, so I made sure we had appetizers and of course the most expensive food and drink on the menu. If I was going to go out…I was going to go out with a bang.

The food came and we were all having a gay old time, laughing and carrying on like nobody’s business. Then out of nowhere my uncle started making the strange noises, which kind of sounded like flatulence, so me being the mature person I was I said, “look he’s farting” then started laughing like Beavis and Butt-head.

After realizing that he was in fact not farting, but choking on a piece of filet mignon, my sister who was sitting next to him in the booth jumped up and grabbed him out of his seat and started doing her version of the Heimlich maneuver on him…which looked like some crazy wrestling move with him flailing all over the place and his arms swinging about like as if he was trying to fly.

Thankfully there was someone there who actually knew how to do the Heimlich and stepped up and saved the day and after all the commotion died down the waitress brought another drink…of course one of the alcoholic kind…to my uncle and said, “here you go Sheamus…this ones on the house”…little did she know so were the rest of them and all the food too.

Now us being the type of family we were, we could find humor in just about anything even if the rest of society couldn’t. So we’re all sitting there laughing like a pack of hyenas because of all that transpired, well all of us except my uncle who was still trying to catch his breath that is. All the other patrons started looking at us like as if we had two heads, and to make matters worse my sister was laughing so hard that she wet herself.

We were sitting in a booth…one with wooden benches…so all you heard was the sound of water going over the edge like as if it was a waterfall and splashing onto the floor. My uncle was oblivious and didn’t move a muscle, my other brother who was sitting next to her against the wall realized what happened and jumped up on the seat while screaming to be let out of the booth. 

So when all the choking was done and laughter ended the waitress came over and asked Sheamus if he wanted the kids to leave since happy hour was about to start. Seeing my opportunity to escape I quickly shouted over my uncle that I agreed, and that I would be more than happy to take the kids home while he stayed and enjoyed happy hour.

I know I took the coward’s way out…I should have gone down with the sinking ship and been a man…but I’m too soft to go to jail and didn’t feel like being on the receiving end of a hot beef injection (my dirt road is an exit only, no oncoming traffic) so I took off like a jack rabbit.

Without fail later the night the cops came knocking on our door with my uncle in cuffs asking if he did indeed lived there and if anyone could pay his tab, otherwise he would be going to the joint. The moral of the story is this, make sure when you do something wrong you have a guaranteed out…even if it means throwing a family member to the wolves.

MJM

”Can I Get an Amen”

I am not trying to be sacrilegious and/or crap on anyone else’s beliefs with the things I am about to say, so put away your holy water and bibles, I am basically just sharing my feelings and outlook on established religion as a whole. I consider myself a God fearing man…I just don’t like what man has done with that God I fear…they have made him into more of a plaything for their own personal agendas, he has become a pawn in their evil games.

To each their own, if you’re happy and not hurting and/or condemning anyone else to hell for being sinful when you yourself are just as sinful and/or trying to recruit everyone you see to your religion of choice just like as if you’re a scout for a major league baseball team then have at it…enjoy yourself and I wish you many blessings.

There are many decent God fearing people in this world, who don’t go around hating and/or condemning others, regardless of which God they serve. The only reason it seems like the reverse is because the minority have bigger mouths and want all the attention, whereas the majority are perfectly fine just serving the lord they so choose to without making it into a spectacle.

And for the record, you don’t need a religious faith to be obnoxious…there are plenty of Atheists who go around throwing their stink and condemning others to the land of dunceville because they believe in a higher power…acting as if they are smarter than everyone else because they don’t have a faith.

So just remember people, it’s not your faith or the lack thereof that makes you an ass…it’s who you are as a person, it’s in your genetic makeup.

Now for my rant…

I grew up Catholic, went to church on Sundays, said my prayers and even avoided eating meat on Fridays so I am speaking from experience here, not just from what someone else told me and/or something I saw on TV.

1. I used to believe that I wasn’t good enough to speak to God directly; that I had to go through one of his boys like as if we were in the mafia or as if he was some sort of famous rapper. When it came to prayer it felt as if I lived in Florida and was trying to get to New Jersey but I had to go through California to get there, it just didn’t make sense and felt like I was going unnecessarily out of my way.

2. I wondered if they called us sheep because we were mindless and easily led, was the priest and the altar boys laughing at us (of course while they weren’t having sex with each other…sorry I know low blow but I just couldn't resist) behind the pulpit while partaking in some Jesus juice…I can only imagine the “people watching” stories they must have.

3. I didn’t see the point of the pope either…is he like some kind of religious godfather or something…is he the pimp and the rest of us his bitches…I really just don’t get it. Why is he any better than everyone else…does this man have information that he is using to blackmail God…did he catch God coming out of a hotel room with a female deity?

4. I don’t understand how people can believe that the bible is living but doesn’t evolve…they believe that what is between the covers is all he/she is…like there’s nothing deeper to him/her. I believe that the bible is a blueprint for how we should live our lives, but just a blueprint not yet the finished product. The bible gives us the foundation…but just like with building a house there are always changing laws/requirements that need to be respected and additions that need to be added on as the times change.

Speaking of the bible…I can’t stand when people take little tidbits of passages and use them as weapons to hurt/condemn others…when in all truthfulness there is more to the story…and in most cases a whole lot more. Tell the whole story or don’t say anything at all…the bible isn’t a cafeteria where you can pick and choose what you want and disregard the rest.

5. Why do people believe you have to go to church to serve God…doesn’t it say in the bible that he is omnipresence…so if that is the case I can spend time with him right in my living room and even the bathroom if I so choose to.  Now I know going to church is a great way to be around likeminded people and to be fed God’s good word…but if I never step foot in a church it doesn’t mean I just bought myself a one-way ticket to hell.

6. People who condemn others to hell…what gives them the right…who made them judge and jury over your soul. The people who go around beating on their chest proclaiming their self-righteousness and damning others to the fires of hell remind me of the dudes in the locker room who would go around bragging they banged more chicks than anyone else, when in all reality they never got out of the starting gate…all talk and no show.  Most of the people who do this kind of thing are the ones who would be considered the grand marshals of the hell parade…more fire than halos in their closet.

7. Truthfully to me Catholicism felt more like a workout regimen with all the standing, sitting and kneeling then it did a church outing, and with me being lazy I just wasn’t feeling it. Instead of “Sweating to the Oldies” with Richard Simmons, it was “Sweating to the Hymnals” with Father Bob…and just like with health club dues they made sure to collect your membership fees (aka tithes) every Sunday, and if you didn’t pay you were “exorcised” from the church.

End of rant...

I decided that after my dealings with Catholicism then I would leave the religion…but not my faith…I have found I can serve God and live my life as he would want me to without sacrificing the person he made. We are made in his image…and he doesn’t make mistakes…so who am I to tamper with his work and tell him he messed up.

I know it will seem to some that I am directly attacking Catholicism by the bulk of what I have to say, but that is not that case, it is how I was brought up and all I knew for a good part of my life so that is what I am speaking on. I’m sure there are other people, from other religions who have their own stories to share, so if they so choose to I am willing to listen. I don’t have an issue with the people who are genuinely serving God and do so under the umbrella of Catholicism…it just wasn’t for me because of the reasons I’ve listed prior.

God gave me these thoughts and the sense of humor I used to present them…so I refuse to believe that he will smite me as a result of it, so if you plan on attacking me for my words then please keep moving along because there’s nothing here to see.

Stop hating…put down the stones because there isn’t a single one of us without sin…and love thy neighbor as thyself as God has so commanded! The world will be such a better place if everyone abided by this philosophy.

You’ve just been churched…God bless,
MJM

“Blogging, What to Expect”

Writer’s block…one of the side effects of being a blogger;

There are times we will brainstorm until smoke comes out of our ears…but unfortunately the skies are bright and sunny…there aren’t even any clouds in the forecast.

Sometimes the thoughts run free and wild like a streaker at a sporting event…then other times we have to play hostage negotiator with our thoughts...our fingers have to talk our brains into releasing them. It’s not always easy…and sometimes the end result is a bloody massacre but we as bloggers must fight through it.

We eventually get something down…is it our best work, probably not…but at least it’s something…right?

Wrong…we are perfectionist and strive to do our best…so subpar just won’t do…not at all. So now we’re stuck dwelling on it, trying to polish a turd if you will…which in some cases works out for the best and then other times ends up still being a stinky turd…only now nice and polished.

Self-doubt…it’s all part of the game…unfortunately;

When it comes to having confidence in ourselves and the things we do we’re our own worst enemy, we will make ourselves believe we suck…and suck really bad…like getting a BJ from a vampire.

Unfortunately it’s just human nature…it is par for the course…and all that other cliché stuff.

Being a blogger is no different, as we are writing our so-called “masterpieces” we are on cloud nine, we think our poop doesn’t stink and that we can conquer the world. Then once we hit the “submit” button our confidence quickly fades, we become the worst thing since liver and onions…at least in our own eyes.

It’s the before and after affect…like what you see in all those diet ads…in the “before” picture the person is all round and out of shape, then in the “after” picture they are all skinny and all buff looking.

Well for us bloggers our “before” picture is us writing the next Harry Potter, securing our spot atop of the New York times bestseller list…and our “after” picture, well that is not too pretty…we start second guessing ourselves, start thinking we made the biggest mistake of our lives by hitting that submit button.

We are on pins and needles until we receive the first comment to our blog. We anxiously wait…like as if we are up for an Academy award and the presenter is about to announce the winner. When we see the first comment come through it is like the envelope is being opened…our fingers are crossed as we wait to hear who the winner is…us or our self-doubt.

We are a material girl/boy…living in a material world;

Everything and anything we come across becomes potential material…not necessarily good material…but material nevertheless. Instead of just relaxing and having a good time we find ourselves dissecting every situation we’re in…wondering if what we’re experiencing would make for a good story or not.

We have become investigative reporters…but not for something classy and tasteful like Time or People…we work for something like the National Enquirer. We find ourselves talking about Bigfoot, space aliens and possibly even Elvis sightings.

Money for nothing…and the stress for free;

We find ourselves busting our tails…doing all the work of the pros but not getting any of the money. We all have hopes of one day being discovered, being the next big thing…but unfortunately that never happens. The only people who know of us are the other bloggers who are in the same situation.

After a while it becomes more of a club than anything else…we do eventually make it big, but not in the way we wanted to…we end up gaining so much weight because all we do is sit at the computer, come up with crazy stories and eat food that is bad for us.  

Okay blogging isn’t all doom and gloom…it’s actually a lot of fun…but just make sure to keep your feet firmly planted on the ground and your head out of the clouds and everything will be alright.

MJM

“Peace…Love…and Porn”

Porn…why do so many people fear it…and look down on it? If you ask me I think it’s a great thing…and no I’m not just saying that because I’m a dude…I really do believe it’s a good thing.

Think about it…if we as a society were a little less tight-butted about the whole thing, maybe sexually based crimes would decrease. I mean if one of those nut jobs could stop in a porn shop and get their rocks off just as easily as it was to go to the grocery store and pick up some beer and cigs then maybe they would be less inclined to attack someone…just a thought.

I know what you’re all thinking…having porn shops on every corner would trash up the place…and unleash the dregs of society on the masses. Well, I got news for you…the scenery is not all it is chalked up to be (at least not where man has been involved) and the masses are already partaking in porn, they’re just ashamed to admit it because of all you self-righteous closeted porn junkies out there who would shun them like as if they were lepers.

If consenting adults…of age of course…want to get it on and bang a gong for your viewing “pleasure” then what’s wrong with that. If these people want to allow us to watch them participate in the naked Olympics…of course the event depends on the viewer’s personal preference…then who are we to stop them.

Look at it this way, porn is like the adult version of Mister Rogers Neighborhood…with an off the chain sexually charged Land of Make Believe…and the Mister Rogers here is hung like a horse and banged more women than Wilt Chamberlain.

I mean c’mon you didn’t really think that so-called “amateur” who’s handling her business like a bull rider and pulling off moves like a professional wrestler was brand new to the game…or that the eighteen year old babysitter with the giant floatation devices on her chest was really eighteen and/or a babysitter and/or born with huge funbags that were so perky she could rest her chin on them…did you?

In this version of the “Land of Make Believe” there is no King Friday or Trolley…just dudes named Dick Hardwood or Buck Naked and toys that shake and bake baby. Also, there is no changing sweaters and shoes…only bed sheets and under garments.  So won't you be my neighbor…just please keep it down and don’t disturb me when I’m “reading” my Playboy **wink wink**.

So take the stick out of your booty…shake off all the haters like a bad case of fleas…and start enjoying some good porn. Trust me…not only will people be less inclined to sneak around and do something naughty…they would also be a lot less stressed and uptight.

Now I know this movement…the free porn movement (by free porn I don’t mean without cost, I mean just let the porn flow like the love did back in the 60s)…could possibly leave us in a “sticky” situation…but I have faith it would work out for the best. Oh yeah…before you let anything flow…please make sure to use protection…like Hefty bags and duct tape kind of protection…wouldn’t want everyone catching STDs.  

For gosh darn sakes…playing with your fun parts while relaxing with some porn isn’t going to send you to H E double hockey sticks…I mean God gave us those parts and told us to ” love thy neighbor as thyself”…so get to loving people.

MJM