“Food Critic”

I love food, and I know what you’re thinking, “who doesn’t” but unlike everybody else I also love to read food and restaurant reviews. I know to the average person that doesn’t really seem all that fun, but to a fat man like myself, a good food/restaurant review is like reading a good book.

I always dreamt about writing one, sharing my views and tastes with the world, but unfortunately I am what you people with money would call flat busted,like a five year old chick.  So I never really had the opportunity…or so I thought.

Now I know I can’t review, or even step into for that matter, one of those fancy five star restaurants so I figured I would do the next best thing, which is to review an establishment that I am able to eat at. Now with that said, I would like to share my review of McDonald’s with you.

Before I get to my review I want to take a second to say it truly saddens me that all the great characters we grew up with are no longer there. I don’t know, maybe they’re worried the same stupid people who blamed Joe Camel for kids smoking would blame the Hamburglar for kids eating hamburgers, who knows.

I say kill all that noise and bring back the McDonald’s crew, keeping only Ronald is like the show Seinfeld getting rid of Kramer, George and Elaine and allowing Jerry to run things by himself, it just wouldn’t be the same and/or just as good. We need the Fry Guys, Grimace and of course Mayor McCheese back in the house.    

Okay, now back to my review of McDonald’s…

For the most part the restaurant was clean, the flies were to a minimal and only a few of the garbage cans were overflowing. I must say that the ambiance was perfect, at least when it came to the kind of food they served, because what better way to distract you from what you’re putting in your mouth than with a bunch of screaming kids and people complaining about their order/service.

The food, well I had the chicken McNuggets with a hair of the cook garnish, some overly greasy and salty fries and topped it all off with a diet Coke (that way I wouldn’t feel guilty for eating the nuggets and fries…smart right). After finding a table that wasn’t as sticky as flypaper, and of course after exchanging my McNuggets for a fresh set, I sat down to eat.

You have to eat the fries first; because once they’re cold they’re no good and not even worth the potato they were cut from, that is if they are really even from potatoes in the first place. You never really know when it comes to McDonald’s food, if it really is what they say it is.

When you bite into them there is an explosion of salt and grease, kind of like a high cholesterol firecracker exploding right in front of your face, so in a way it’s like getting dinner and a show. However, if McDonald’s wants to avoid lawsuits they should probably serve them with a pair of safety goggles, or at lease put a warning on the label.

Now for the main course, I had the chicken McNuggets (now garnish free) with a nice honey mustard sauce cooked well done, and just because I was playing the role of a critic on this particular visit I ate them with a knife and fork, granted they were plastic but they still did the trick.

Now after the first bite I decided to look directly into the nugget to see what was hidden underneath that golden brown crust and I must say I do not recommend this to anyone, you won’t like what you see. You know the way one is not to look directly into an eclipse; well the same is true for the McNugget.

Honestly I wasn’t really sure what I saw; it looked like meat but moved like pudding, it kind of grossed me out. I was about to abandon ship and toss the remainder of my food up in the air and make it rain chicken* (the board is still out if it is indeed chicken) nuggets but being the dedicated critic I am, and also now being broke since I spent the last of my money on this crap, I went ahead with the mission and finished off my ten piece.

I finally was done with my meal and went to throw away my trash. I couldn’t find a trash receptacle that wasn’t overflowing at this point, so I had to delicately place my garbage on the very top of the heap all with the hopes of not toppling it over, because we all know whoever topples it has to clean it and it was bad enough I was eating garbage, I didn’t want to clean it too.

My review, even though I could feel my arteries hardening as I ate my meal and was burping up grease for the rest of the day, I would have to say when it comes to fast-food McDonald’s gets a three out of five heart attacks…not really lovin' it. Now if they were to bring back the old McDonald’s crew that we all know and love I might go as high as four out of five, but until then they’re only getting a three.

 MJM