Monday, July 29, 2013

“Prison…the Final Frontier”

I don’t break the law, and no it’s not because I’m some kind of “goody two-shoes”, well okay maybe it is, but it is also because I’m afraid of being sent to prison. I’m not a tough guy by any means, I’m about as hard as Charmin, so if I was ever to be in the joint I have no doubt I would be somebody’s bitch in no time flat.

Now I wouldn't mind going to prison if it was like that all female Showtime after dark kind of prison, that I would be okay with, but if it's like Oz from HBO then I'm screwed...both literally and figuratively. Well let’s be honest here, I would probably still get my donkey kicked in the all-female prison too, it would just be with a little more sensitivity.

I'm not even going to try and front, I'm a complete wuss, I know my shirt would be tied up in the front and I would be wearing lipstick shortly after the cell door slammed shut. I'll be sold for a pack of cigarettes back-and-forth between inmates, holding onto someone’s belt loop while calling them big daddy and handing over my commissary like as if I was being bullied for my lunch money…so sad.

I would be face down ass up my first night there, those scary inmates would be treating my booty like a target with their meat sticks being the darts. My hole would be violated in so many different ways it pains me to even think about it…I wouldn’t even be able to sit down the whole time I was there without feeling as if I was sitting on a cactus.

Every night I would cry myself to sleep, using my orange overalls to wipe my tears away and to muffle my desperate pleas for freedom…or death, whatever would be the quickest. I wouldn’t want to wake my celly because with my luck he would have morning wood and feel like getting freaky with my anus again, and I just couldn’t take any more ass pounding.

I also wouldn’t get lucky enough to have a celly like Gene Wilder did in Stir Crazy, there would be no Richard Pryor, I would be stuck with someone more like Deebo from the movie Friday. My celly would be some muscle bound roid head that makes license plates with his teeth.

I would try to tunnel my way out like Andy Dufresne did in The Shawshank Redemption, or maybe even try to sneak out with the laundry, and if I wasn’t able to escape then I would consider making a shank out of my toenails and stab myself to death just to put me out of my misery.

I wonder, do they have something similar to the “teacher’s pet” in prison? If I sucked up to the warden could I be his pet, could I possibly save myself from years of torment and butt abuse? Would I be able to keep my manhood intact and save myself from many nights of crying myself to sleep?

Oh who am I kidding, my warden would be like some crazed drill instructor that got his rocks off by putting little piss-ants like myself through the ringer, making me more of a man…boy would he have his work cut out for him, because this girlie man is more girlie than man.

So needless to say, if I found myself in a predicament where the outcome would be prison, I would be sucking on the barrel of a 12 gauge like a baby on a breast and saying goodnight nurse.

Inmate # 326390 aka MJM
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My thanks...
I would like to thank God for this opportunity, my mom and all my dads, my record company and of course all my incredible fans all over the world…
 
Oh wait a minute, that's the wrong thank you list, that one is for when I win a Grammy.
 
Here’s the “write” one…
 
I want to thank all my lovely co-hosts, who are all amazing writers, extremely funny and the best thing since sliced bread. So do yourself a solid and check them out…you won’t be sorry.
 
 
Now remember, this is a blog hop (for all you blogging noobs out there click here to find out what that is), so be like a horny bunny rabbit and go hop around and show some sweet lovin’ to all my fellow bloggers.


22 comments:

  1. On your first day you need to beat someone with a chair, everyone will think you're crazy and leave you alone. Some, however, prefer crazy bitches.

    Being a fellow Blog Hop winner, if we were in the joint together, I'd look out for you. I'm not into butt stuff so all I'd ask for is some smokes.

    I raise a glass of pruno to you!

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    1. I would love to be able to do that, but I'm too much of a wuss, I would pick up the chair then start crying because I didn't want to hurt anyone.

      That's true...we are winners...we freaking rock.

      Thanks for having my back, at least with someone there it would be harder for the other inmates to poke me in my kiester.

      Cheers.

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  2. Last I heard, there is a voluntary solitaire confinement available for those who do not wish to be a part of the standard prison populatioin. That way, you only have to deal with the guards and their billy clubs. I don't think they splinter a whole lot, but it could give morning wood a whole new meaning! Great post!

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    1. Really...there is?! Okay now I feel a little bit better about possibly being sent to the pokey...voluntary solitaire confinement here I come.

      That was hilarious about what you said about the guard's billy clubs...I really wish I would have thought to say that...man I suck.

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  3. Writing it...yes...living it...HELL NO! If I'm ever sent to prison I'm going to superglue my butt cheeks closed.

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  4. You're smart and funny, you would write yourself out of any poundings. Write letters to their Baby Mama's and Parole Officers and be one of the very first Prison Bloggers, (for all I know anyway) and your fame would keep you safe.

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    1. I would be afraid to be funny around them, because then they would want me to make them laugh as they were making me cry.

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  5. I like how you described the time if you would be behind bars...thank goodness it was just fiction...lol

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    1. Yes...thank God it's only fiction...because if it was fact I would be uckedfay.

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  6. Funny stuff! It's what I warn my teenage sons about when they get cocky. "Do you want to end up in prison? You know what happens there don't you?"

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    1. That's good that you give them the low down, because prison is no joke. You may think you're bad, but there's a whole bunch of badder dudes up in that mofo.

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  7. If anyone dared to stick anything in my hiney hole when I was locked up I would clinch up as tight as I could then stop, drop and roll baby...all with the hopes of ripping that thing off. The next dude would think twice before stepping up to bat...that is unless he was into that sort of thing.

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  8. OMG you're hilarious. I hope you never get sent to prison!

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  9. This post deserves an award of some sort. Enjoyed it immensely! Hope you never go up the river, but count on me to send you a jumbo size tube of Super Glue. Ciao

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    1. Thank you very much my friend...for the kind words, and for the jumbo size tube of super glue...you're the best.

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  10. I don't even know where to begin...seriously Michael, this is one of the funniest things I have ever read. And I read it with my jaw hanging open because you went places here i wouldn't DREAM of going on my blog--and truth be told I'm JEALOUS because you pulled it off so well. Brilliant stuff.

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    1. Thanks girl...I really appreciate it. I just open up my mind and let whatever is in it flow out...kind of like diarrhea.

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  11. While you may be as hard as wet toilet paper, you are smart and if anyone could figure out how to keep his anal virginity, it would be you. ;) Thanks for the laugh and for co-hosting with all the rest of the lovely ladies. :D

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    1. I really hope so...I plan on saving my booty hole for marriage.

      Anytime...you know I got your back.

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  12. I was just in jail last weekend. It was rough. I really have no clue how I survived. Damn Twitter jail almost killed me...

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