“Eating Ass”

Ass, the other white meat (or dark depending on your preference)?

A friend of mine tried to sell me on eating ass, letting me know how erotic and sensual it could be. How it added some extra spice (and that spice is also known as fecal matter) to the whole love making experience, kicked it up a notch as if it was Emeril Lagasse. **Bam**

Now when I say eating ass, I don’t mean like Hannibal Lecter with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. I mean getting all up in there as if you were in a chocolate pie eating contest. Tonguing it like an anteater would an anthill. Get the picture?

I’m not trying to knock someone’s good time here, or be an asshole (don’t eat me), I just don’t get it myself. I can’t comprehend why someone would want to eat ass and/or have their ass eaten, but to each their own.

Eating ass the epitome of dirty dining! You won't go to a restaurant because you heard there's a roach, but you're perfectly fine with eating ass? These people won't let dogs lick their face because as they say, “they know where their tongue has been” but at the same time don't mind letting their tongue go spelunking down someone’s dark and dirty cave!

I do know that you won’t ever catch me eating it! I don’t care how fine it is and/or who it’s attached to, just knowing the shit (and I mean that literally) that comes out of it is enough to make me keep my distance. You do know that the book, “Everyone Poops” isn’t a work of fiction, right?

I also wouldn’t feel comfortable having someone eat mine. I would be too freaked out. I would be worried they would come up with a shit mustache and/or with corn in their teeth trying to give me a kiss. I would have imaginations of becoming a real life human centipede, which would haunt me every time I was a participant on Naked and Afraid.

Not only that, but what if your pipes were clogged, something so fierce that not even Liquid Plumber could fix? The job requires a snake (which in this case is the tongue), and with the first sign of penetration everything would come gushing out like a puss from a popped pimple. Taking “talking shit” to a whole new level, one that it doesn’t need to be on and absolutely something that should never be witnessed.

You’re staring down the barrel, eye to hole. Cheeks held wide open so there’s nothing to hinder the shot. Then it happens! You get blasted in the face as if you were Daffy Duck and you just took a shot from Elmer Fudd to the dome during duck season. I guess depending on your partner’s diet it could be good for your skin, but just imagine the smell, the clumps falling down your face like drips from a melting ice cream cone, and in my opinion a person losing all credibility when they are seen wearing a crap mask.

You’re now there with skid marks on your forehead looking like Swamp Thing and smelling like a public restroom, and if you’re like me your last meal is quickly making its way back up your esophagus, needlessly to say ruining the moment and completely killing the mood.

So with that said, we need to forget about banning drugs and guns, and ban ass eating, because honestly nothing good can come from it. You should never have to pick a dingleberry from your teeth, not for any reason. Never mind waterboarding, you want information from the terrorists; have them get down with some ATM (Ass to mouth).

To paraphrase the great Whitney Houston, “Butt crack is whack”!

MJM