“A Side Effect of Getting Older”

As I write this I am sitting here in pain…I threw my back out and it is hurting like a mutha fracker. This is why I hate getting older…things just don’t work like they used to. Things snap…crackle…and pop like crazy now…sometimes I don’t know if I’m a person or a box of Rice Krispies.

When I was a kid I could get hit by a car…which by the way happened many times…and just get up, shake it off and go about my business like nothing ever happened. Now however…I bend down to pick something up…which was not heavy by the way…and my back goes out and leaves me looking like Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I really wish I could tell you I hurt my back doing something cool…like wrestling a bear…or even while having some wild and crazy adult fun…but unfortunately I can’t, I would be lying…I hurt my back bending down to pick something up…something that weighs probably as much as a case of soda. I know I’m lame…but what can I say…things popping out of place and hurting yourself while doing absolutely nothing at all is just a side effect of getting older.

  I should probably just go out and get myself a walker…and not the kind with the tennis balls either…I’m going to get a motorized walker…kind of like a cross between a walker and a scooter…a wooter if you will. This wooter will also have to be part forklift…that way I could pick stuff up without feeling as if Mike Tyson just punched me in my back…so I guess now we have a wooterlift.

For the record, when it comes to back pain…pain relievers do not work…not at all…at least not the OTC brands.  All that crap you see on TV about two pills and the pain is gone…that is such bullcrap… I’ve been popping them like M&Ms and nothing…not even a buzz.  I have so much of the garbage in me that if I was swallowed by a whale I would probably be its recommend dosage.

I thought about going to the liquor store and stocking up on some high octane alcohol…and just drinking my pain away…but with my luck I’ll probably get drunk and fall down a flight of stairs or something…sobering up to find myself even in more pain then when I stared.

I don’t know…what am I to do… should I head to the shady side of town to see if I could score some of those “good” pain relieving drugs…or maybe ever just lay in bed with an alcohol IV…or I could just man up and endure the pain and stop whining about it. Well obviously the latter option isn’t going to happen…no big surprise there am I right…so I have to figure something out…I’m just not sure what.

MJM