“Holy Shit”

I have seen the Holy Grail, and I must say it was both magnificent and beautiful, a wonderful sight to behold for sure. 

Let me explain, I have been having some issues in the poop department. I’ve been going but nothing worth calling the folks over at Guinness about, if you understand where I’m coming from. I was hoping for boulders and was left with nothing more than pebbles.

I figured my pipes must be clogged, that something was preventing me from truly delivering the goods. And by no means was I going out like Elvis, dead in the bathroom, so I knew something had to be done.

As a result of this I decided to try a colon cleanser, something top of the line, and the highest possible strength I could legally buy. However, I was broke so I had to settle for what I could find at the Dollar Store and thankfully it did the trick.

Now don’t be fooled, by no means was this a walk in the park, this trial came with many tribulations, but in the end (huh huh) it was well worth it. For example, I would be minding my own business, not a care in the world, then all of the sudden it would hit me.

It felt like someone ran up and suckered punched me right in the gut, and no matter where I was or what I was doing it all came to a complete halt, because I had to make a mad dash to the crapper without haste, and yes that means even using the dreaded public restroom.

If I didn’t I would be sporting the sag, but not due to the lack of a belt and/or ridiculously oversized pants, but rather due to the extra pound or two of crap that has suddenly found its way into my tighty whities. God forbid if I was wearing shorts, oh the horror.

The effects were kicking in, the colon was being cleaned, and my anus was taking a beating. From all the wiping, and constant heave-hoing, my poor balloon knot was feeling like it just got butt banged by a lit candle. The poor guy was hanging out like an elephant’s trunk.

Then it finally happen, the shit of all shits, one so massive that it made my toilet bowl look like an over filled chocolate pudding cup. One of such a magnitude that it almost lifted me off the seat itself; if it got any higher it would be going back up in me…not a nice thought at all.

Its nasty stench filled my nostrils, something straight from the bowels of the devil. The creepy crap kept looking at me with those corn kernel eyes as if to let me know that it was not about to go gentle into that good night.

This was no mere two flusher, or even a three flusher at that, this monster wasn’t going down without a fight. I had to beat it down with the plunger and the toilet brush just to get it to flush.

By no means was it easy, but it was a battle totally worth fitting, because if not the next person to enter the bathroom after me would have gotten shit blasted right in the face. And how could I live with myself, or show my face around town, if that did indeed happen.

Finally the bastard was gone, I was able to relax and catch my breath. I was all washed up and ready to exit the lavatory, but before going I felt the need to give a nod to the part of me I was leaving behind. I didn’t have any liquor to poor out for my dead homie, so instead I just took a wiz in the bowl as a sign of respect.

There was no lighting a match for this one, the smell was too overpowering, the only thing that would help in this situation was a blowtorch or a Molotov cocktail, and since I didn’t have either I just throw up the deuces and exited the bathroom.

Even though the overall experience was a frightening one, and as a result left my anus in rough shape, I’m glad I did it. I feel lighter, and now things move through me quicker than a Chinese sweat shop.

MJM