“Ice Ice Baby”

I live in Florida where it is normally hotter than Satan’s armpit, not always the most pleasant that is for sure, but a hell of a lot better than freezing my nuggets off.

We recently had a cold front roll in, and as much as I enjoy a reprieve from the sweltering heat, I don’t enjoy weather so cold it makes my nipples hard enough to cut glass.

I like it chilled and breezy like as if I was in a Jimmy Buffet song, not too cold or too hot, kind of in-between like the cream in a delicious Oreo cookie.

Okay now besides being a complete wuss, there’s another reason I don’t like the cold, and that is because I’m an early morning pooper, and who in their right mind likes to sit on a cold toilet seat…especially when you have to go.

Now while the cold front is in town, I have to get up a few minutes earlier than normal so I can prepare for business, I have to make sure my booty isn’t going to pucker up like as if it just ate something sour and not be able to deliver the goods as a result of the chilled commode.

So I bust out the blow dryer and warm up the seat, that way when my cheeks hit the bowl it’s like sitting on a nice warm Krispy Kreme donut rather than frozen hamburger patty, it makes things so much easier.

One would think that with technology as it is that there would be a way to warm the seat before even getting out of bed, especially in those areas with horrible winters.

For gosh darn sakes (sorry about the harsh language) we could start a car with a little remote that we keep on our keychain, so why can’t we have something similar for the toilet seat?

Think about it, something like this would benefit so many kiesters across the globe, because not only is a frosty latrine uncomfortable for your bottom, but you also run the risk of getting frostbite on your hiney, and who wants that.

Cold seats could cause other problems too, like for example what if someone half-asleep went to sit on one completely oblivious to the fact that it was frosted like a beer mug, shocked as a result and jumped of the seat and in the process pulled something in their back.

Now they would be lying on the floor, face down ass up, in agonizing pain and doing their best to clinch their cheeks together so they didn’t accidently let any fudge squeeze out of their hole…so not a pretty site.

Forget marijuana, frigid bowls are more harmful than we all thought, and something needs to be done to rectify this, if not by means of technology then at least have a temperature gauge on the bowl so we know when it’s safe to go.

MJM