“The Special of the Day: The Seven Deadly Sins"

I know a place, where on any given day; one could be guilty of all of the seven deadly sins, and I’m not talking about some seedy underbelly where the devil (Mr. Satan if you’re nasty) parties either, but rather your everyday typical American restaurant.

Here is why dining out at your favorite restaurant could land you a one way ticket straight to hell, at least according to those who believe in these kinds of things. 

Call ahead, for reservations in HELL!

First we have wrath… 

Which I’m sure many of you have faced when dining out at one time or another. Whether it was because they made your meal wrong, kept you waiting too long for your troth (aka table) and/or because your waiter wasn’t living up to your expectations, nevertheless you were getting down with some good old fashioned wrath as a result of it.  

Second is greed…

Have you ever said the phrase, “are you going to eat that” and/or complained about the portion size you received while you were out, if so you are one greedy bastard? When you’re a party of one, and your bill is more than most people’s car payments you have issues. You always want more, you are never happy with what you have; and because of that you outta be ashamed of yourself…now please pass the butter.

Third is sloth… 

Having a person bring the food/drink to you, and not getting up yourself to get it would be a good indication that you are guilty of sloth. Also, after eating enough food to feed a small village you make the statement, “now I need a nap”, which is just another indication that you are guilty of sloth, not hating just saying. 

Fourth is pride… 

Have you ever felt that you were too good to eat off of the value menu and/or in a particular restaurant, but you begrudgingly did because that’s where everyone else was eating, the whole time felt as if the establishment and/or the other patrons were beneath you, if so you are one prideful son of a bitch. Have you ever bragged about how much you could eat, about how much grub you could fit into your piehole in one sitting, then between your pride and your gut it’s amazing that you could even fit out the door.  

Fifth is lust… 

Have you ever looked at someone else’s food while in a restaurant and started salivating, dreamt of eating that food yourself and/or possibly even doing other naughty things to it, well then you are one lustful prick. Have you ever stared at a menu like a young boy would stare at the chicks in their favorite anime, then you are more lustful than a Catholic priest at an all boy slumber party.

Sixth is envy…

Have you ever seen someone drinking/eating something that you couldn’t afford and/or drink/eat for health reasons, but still desired it and craved what they had, well then welcome to envy you envious sum beach. Have you ever looked at someone with hate (and massive amounts of cholesterol) in your heart because they were getting down with a triple decker bacon cheese burger and you only had a double decker, then not only is the lettuce that you so casually tossed aside (because who needs that crap messing up our burgers) green but so is the monster standing by your side…and I don’t mean the Frankenstein.

Seventh is gluttony…

If you ever ate at a restaurant with the words “all you can eat” and/or ate so much that you nearly split your pants you are one gluttonous pig (oink oink mutha fugger). When you need two seats for your ass and you can’t fit into a booth because of your belly is in the way, then it’s safe to say that you like to clean your plate…and the plates of others around you. If you have more than one plate around you at any time during the meal and/or on a second serving or higher, then you my friend are a glutton. If your meal ends with the phrase, “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get upi”, your ass doesn’t need Life Alert, you need a forklift and lipper zipper.

Waiter, check please!

I’m not trying to call anyone out, because trust me based on this list I am one sinful individual myself! I just think it’s funny how a night eating out could land you in eternal damnation.  Forget homosexuality, murder and abortion, dining out is the true gangsta of sin!

No wonder people pray before they eat, it’s not to give thanks for the food as we were lead to believe, but more so to ask God for forgiveness before we get our sin on. Realistically we should be praying before and after our meals, just to be on the safe side.

Eat, Drink and be sinful.

MJM