“Farts”

They are funny as hell; they smell like poop and if done correctly they can really clear a room, so what’s not to love about them? Why do these little gassy guys get so much slack, it’s not like we all don’t do them and/or enjoy when they slip out between the cheeks…whether we admit it or not.

Who doesn’t like a good fart, when there is an awkward silence in the room because no one really knows what to say, they are a great way to break the ice and to get people talking again…and laughing if done right. Also, when you’re in the tub, there’s nothing like a stincuzzi…am I right.

I know some of you tight-butt people out there in cyberspace, and no I’m not talking about the people who have done the Buns of Steel videos, but rather the people who are afraid to laugh at what is funny about this world, will claim they don’t find them funny and/or entertaining…but we all know you’re lying.

God made them the way they are because he wanted us to laugh at them, they are here to amuse us, and of course to dispel the gas out of our bodies, but more so to amuse us. So with that said, why not enjoy them for what they are, why act like there is something wrong with them?

Farts are our friends people, and the sooner you realize this and embrace them with open arms, just not open mouths because no one wants to eat a fart, the better off we’ll be. Unclench those glutes and let the boys out to play, fart and fart proudly…and for you ladies out there, don’t try to quiet the queefs either, because they are funny too.

To be fair though I must also talk about the bad side to farts too, now of course the negatives don’t surmount all the positives, but unfortunately they are not perfect and they have their flaws. For the record, the negative side to farts is normally with the one who dealt it, not the fart itself.

Farts aren’t all just shits and giggles; sometimes they can be dangerous too, at least as far as the farter is concerned. For example, one may feel as if they just have to fart so they go through the motions ready to release the beast, only to find out that innocent fart was actually the beginning of a turd (aka shart).  

Now while this is embarrassing to the farter, and guaranteed to leave skid marks in their draws, it quite hilarious to the rest of us. Sure we may have to wait until they stop crying before laughing at them, but the wait is so worth it, and watching them walk away with mud butt trying to keep their booty tightly closed to avoid any additional shit streaking is freaking  hilarious.

Another fart related issue would be the SBDF (silent but deadly fart), only because people will squeeze these smelly bastards out and never warn anyone, and will hit you like a sucker punch. These farts sneak up to any unsuspecting nose and fill it with stink, they are like the ninja of the fart world, and depending on the deliverers diet these farts may just knock you right on your ass.

Finally we have the lighting on one’s fart, turning something so beautiful into a tool of destruction, a raunchy smelling blowtorch. This makes absolutely no sense to me, but to each their own, I would be lying though if I didn’t admit to secretly wishing their ass inhaled instead of exhaled and sucked the fire into the hole, burning their colon and singing their pride. If it did they would think twice about doing it again, ruining a perfectly good fart, you bastards should be ashamed of yourselves.

Well that’s about all the negative I can see when it comes to farts, so needless to say they rock and should be enjoyed to the fullest. Even the names that go along with the deed are great, they are called things like butt-burps, cutting the cheese, the mouse on a motorcycle, the shit splits, breaking wind and of course busting ass just to name a few. Seriously, does it get any better?

Keep on laughing…keep on farting…and stop being such a tight-butt.

MJM

“The First Encounter of the Pussycat and Weiner Dog”

They say everyone remembers their first time, and I would have to agree with that, but not because it was magical and/or made the Earth stand still like in the movies, but rather because it was the most awkwardly enjoyable moment of our lives.  

By “first time”, I am mean the first time your woo hoo dilly went into another person’s orifice, or if you’re a chick (or a gay male) the first time your orifice went over and around another person’s woo hoo dilly…the poppage of one’s cherry if you would.

I know some men who are reading this, who suffer from that macho jock locker room crap, won’t admit to being clueless their first time. They will claim they hit it like a caveman while they moved like Jagger, but I can assure you that their partners would recollect things a whole lot differently.

Now me, I’m not ashamed to admit it, I didn’t know what I was doing then and honestly still not really sure what I’m doing now. I would have loved to have a copy of, “Doing it for Dummies” available for my first time, it would have made things so much easier, and a whole lot less embarrassing.

I was as lost as Dan Quayle trying to spell potato, I thought back to all the pornos I watched and tried to emulate the pros, but the woman I was with didn’t really like it when I started barking orders at her and calling her a female dog.

She gave me this look like as if she was Linda Blair in the Exorcist and I was the priest, and as a result of this I quickly backpedaled and started groveling like any man who was in my position would…and for the record, that position was me standing there buck-naked, feeling light headed because every ounce of blood in my body was in my Woody Woodpecker.

I was like a hotrod with no wheels; I was all revved up and had nowhere to go, so I did what had to be done. Thankfully though, the woman I was with knew that I was a noob, and gave me a second chance to make things right.

After feeling like it was safe to go back into the water I moved in for the kill, my harpoon (well actually it is more like a dart, but who’s keeping score) aimed at the target and ready to strike. Unfortunately though I missed my intended target and hit the hole next door.

The woman I was with flew straight up in the air, clutching her cheeks firmly, kind of like a cartoon character who just sat in the fire…needless to say it wasn’t a good way to restart things. When she finally came down she scolded me, told me to watch where I was sticking things and to be more careful…I had flashbacks of when I was a kid getting into trouble.

I was now two strikes down, one more and I would be ending the evening banging my own drum, so this time before moving in I said a quick prayer, ate my vitamins, and moved slowly towards her like as if I was a crook trying to sneak through a house at night.

I was now in position and ready to make my move, I was overly cautious because I didn’t want to mess up again. I went for the bullseye yet again, and thankfully hit dead center, so now I had to figure out what to do next.

I started thrusting back and forth, alternating speeds because I wasn’t really sure which way to go, fast or slow…how is one supposed to know these things. I didn’t know whether to hit it like a jackhammer, or nice and slow like molasses on a cold day, no one ever told me.

I kept looking at her face, trying to decipher if she liked what was happening or if she would have rather been somewhere else altogether, but I couldn’t make heads or tails of things because she had this look at her face like she just smelled a really nasty fart…I had no idea if that was good or bad.

Now after about an hour and a half (really it was three minutes) I was ready to “unpack my bags”, but I wasn’t really sure if I was to leave them at the door and wait for the manager to tell me to bring them in, or if I was just to feel free to go in and “unpack”.

I was so confused and scared that I just grabbed my junk and hopped off the bed and ran out of the room crying, but considering that I forgot to pay her she chased after me and kicked my ass and stole my wallet.   

I spent more time trying to figure out if I was doing it right and if she was being satisfied, more than I enjoyed it myself; it went from being a pleasurable experience to feeling as if I was taking a timed test.

Since that day I swore off sex completely, it was more trouble than it was worth. I am now a born again virgin and permanently riding the celibate bus. I now stick to safe sex, which is giving myself a hand job while watching the top performers in the adult entertainment world go at it like rabbits.

MJM

“Waking Alice”

Remember bands like Nickelback, Seether and Creed, well me either, that is not since Waking Alice hit the airwaves. These guys are the real deal; they will pop your eardrums and leave you smiling the whole time.

Please welcome my very special guest to The Insane Asylum...Waking Alice!

Waking Alice is…

Rus Chaney- vocals

Brandon Brewer- guitars, backing vocals

Brayton Bourque- bass

John Levey - drums

MJM – currently trying out for the band **fingers crossed**…I play a mean triangle

(The band members names are color coded so you can tell who answered what)

I recently sat down with the band, virtually of course, and had a mature and well-mannered talk with them…and here’s what they had to say.

1. What bands/artists were you’re inspiration?

The classics like Led Zeppelin and Queen and a lot of progressive rock bands like Rush, Yes, and Porcupine Tree. The current bands like Avenged Sevenfold, The Darkness, Coheed and Cambria, and any of these newer bands that have a ton of energy and musicianship.

2. Are you guys really friends, or do you secretly hate each other and plan on breaking up once you make it big, like so many bands before you?

That’s a good question. I would say that yes…we are friends for the most part. That being said…if we were to get famous I would replace them all with the girls from Robert Palmers music videos.

These guys have become great friends, who else will laugh at my dark sense of humor but Brandon? My wife just states at me in horror and shakes her head whenever I tell her what I'm laughing about...

3. Would you ever do a remake of a Milli Vanilli song, and if so what song?

Of course. We would do Blame It On the Rain

4. What song(s) would you Vanilla Ice (steal) if you had the chance?

I think he would steal our song “Biggest Lie”….because that’s what his entire career has been.

5. If you could meet any other band in an “Outsiders” style rumble, who would it be and why?

Nickleback. They seem like douchbags and they represented the beginning of the end of hard rock music.

6. What are your favorite song(s)?

Led Zeppelins The Rain Song, Porcupine Tree’s Arriving Somewhere But Not Here, Queens Flash Gordon Theme

"What it is to Burn" by Finch, "I Love Your Blood" by The Vanished, and "Walk" by Foo Fighters

7. Are you doing the music thing for the money, fame or woman (or men if you go that way)?

If we are doing it for fame or chicks….we are failing miserably. So let’s just say we want to make a statement in the local scene.

8. How did the band come about?

It just sort of came together overnight…and by overnight I mean over the better part of ten years with different band members and names.

9. If you happen to be a one hit wonder, which song would you want to be that one hit?

Biggest Lie. Because Vanilla Ice stole it and there was a huge lawsuit…

10. Who writes the music?

Generally…I (Brandon) bring in the main riffs and progressions then we put it all together. Primarily Rus handles most of the lyric writing.

11. When you make it big what’s the first thing you’re going to buy with your money?

I would take that money and pay off all of the things I had been buying already….slowly dig my way out of debt. Then…repeat.

12. Who would you like to do a collaboration with…and please don’t say Lil Wayne?

I would like for us to do a collaboration with any new country artist….then we could get people to our shows in Texas.

13. What do you think of emo bands…would you beat them up if you could?

Some are ok. Some make me want to set myself on fire. I wouldn’t beat them up though….mainly because….what if I lose???

14. Where did the name “Waking Alice” come from?

A good friend and former band member named Ben Johnson called me several years ago and said…how about Waking Alice for the name. I goggled it and no one had it. So we ran with it.

15. For those about to rock…would you salute them?

Always…Fire!

16. Does “Waking Alice” rock it like a hurricane or bang their head, because metal health has driven them mad?

We are much more likely to rock you like a hurricane….

17. Which bands would you like to tour with?

Porcupine Tree, Coheed and Cambria, Periphery

Foo Fighters, Sick Puppies, Shinedown... They are bands I like and think they'd be cool to hang out with. There are some Dallas bands I wouldn't mind tearing up a hotel room or two with either...

18. What do you think of the current state of music?

It is what it is. There are a lot of talented bands coming up over the last year or so. It’s not great…but it’s better than it has been for the last 10 years.

Brandon answered it well. To add to that, locally I think it's great as well. Things have really picked up in Dallas over the last year and bands are pulling together and supporting each other more. It's good to see the scene reviving after a few years where it seemed to be on its deathbed.

19. Do you wish TRL was still on the air so you could hang with Carson Daly?

Yes…oh wait. You said hang with….sorry…misread that.

20. What do you think about shows like “American Idol” and “The Voice”?

They aren’t my cup of tea. I hate that they are so popular when these people that watch these shows have talented people right in their own back yards. Most of those talent shows are dumbed down for the lowest common denominator. It’s easier to be told what to like than to go out and find something special and make a connection to it.

I won't lie. My wife and I watch The Voice and X Factor. I have 2 major issues with them... 1.) Rock is nonexistent in these shows, a guy with a bit of a growl is called a "rocker" but he'd be laughed at in a rock scene... 2.) Kids look at these and think this is how it's done. That's wrong. Buy an instrument, find some friends and start a band. You may suck at first, but keep at it and make something. Be original and work for it. Taking the shortcut just kills credibility and proves you aren't really in it for the music...

See how kick ass these fellas are? They did this for you, so now it’s your turn to return the favor, click on the links below, show them some love and buy (don’t steal, at least not until they’re rich and famous) their music.

http://www.wakingalice.com/- website

www.wakingalice.com/wakingalicetx- Reverb Nation

https://www.facebook.com/WakingAlice- Facebook

Follow them on Twitter @wakingaliceband

This has been a special presentation of the “Insane Asylum”…where you hear it first…or is that MTV?!

MJM

“Butt Kissing”

I have some serious butt kissing to do, why you ask, well because I haven’t been that good of an efriend to some of my fellow bloggers as of late.

Here my efriends Rich, Lizzi and Menopausal Mother were showing me some love, spreading it around like as if it was peanut butter and I was the bread, but I left them hanging…hanging like a chad in the 2000 presidential election. I’ve been tagged and given a “golden sideboob” blogging award and haven’t been able to repay the favor, I’m ashamed of myself.

It wasn’t my entire fault though; I was having internet problems…the problem was, it wasn’t on. The bastards wanted money and I didn’t have it, it was either surf the web or eat, and needless to say I chose to feed my belly.

Sure I could have just browsed the web for pictures of food and fantasied about eating it (which by the way would have cut into my porn time), but we all know that wouldn’t have done the trick, at least not for too long. It would be like mental MSG, sure it would satisfy more for about an hour or so, but shortly after I would be hungry again.

Thankfully I am now back in business, the bloodsuckers have been paid and I am able to surf the web like as if I was Spider-man.

So now for the butt kissing…

First up is my good efriend Mr. Rich Rumple, who is the baddest man since Shaft…okay he would be the reverse negative version of Shaft, but nevertheless he is still a bad man. I dream of one day writing as good as this man, and if I can’t I just steal his material and pass it off as my own…that’s the American way.

Next up is my off-the-chain efriend Lizzi, this chick is crazy, and she is super funny and not afraid to voice her opinion no matter who she pisses off. She is an outside-the-box thinker who likes to share her insanities with the rest of the world.

Finally we have the smoking hot Menopausal Mother…and don’t let the name fool you, she makes Kim Kardashian look like a train wreck. Reading her stuff is funnier than watching someone crash into a sliding glass door that they thought was open.

These three are hilarious, with wit a sharp as a Ginsu and balls as big as watermelons…and no Lizzi and Menopausal Mother are not hermaphrodites, they are just not afraid to speak their minds and tell it like it is.

Please check them out and show them some love, because if you don't they will never let me live it down.

Rich @ That's Life...Sometimes!!!

Lizzi @ Considerings

Menopausal Mother @ Menopausal Mother

 

MJM

“Things That Were/Are Considered Cool That I Just Don't Get”

Here’s something that people think is cool that I just don’t get, the wearing of one’s baseball cap backwards.

Did some baseball player back in the day attempt to get dressed in the dark and accidentally put his cap on backwards, thus starting this trend…a few fans in attendance saw this and thought it was the coolest thing since Fonzy, and the rest was history.

Is it like turning into a superhero, forward cap normal mild mannered dude, turn it backwards and now you're a super cool dude…not hating, just really wondering?

Now I know that not everybody who wears their cap backwards thinks they're cool, but unfortunately there are some people who do and those are the people I don't get.

Here’s another thing, the wearing of sunglasses indoors. These geniuses were trying so hard to be cool that they even came up with their own name for this trend...hata blockas.

The only reason why people hated on you freaks was because you looked like an idiot wearing your sunglasses indoors. Now back in the 80's it was cool to wear them at night, but indoors not so much, what's next...while you're sleeping?

My hata blocka is a wiffleball bat that I keep in my freezer; every time a so-called “hata” comes up to me I beat them silly with it.

Next would be the infamous pants sag, the ever so beautiful pants hanging of someone’s ass exposing their dirty underwear, isn’t this a real gem. I'm wondering who actually saw this and though to themselves that it would be a cool style to mimic.

I heard this style originated in prison, as a way for homosexuals to show they were available, I'm not sure if that's true or not but that's what I heard.

Honestly, it looks like a heck of a lot more work trying to keep your pants up then I'm willing to invest, why not just go with a belt, or even a piece of rope like Elly May Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillies. I can understand someone saying they don't like wearing ties because they are too constricting, but a belt...c'mon man.

I'm waiting for the day when I see someone sporting the sag with skid marks on their drawers, I know it is coming; it's just a matter of time…and poor wiping.

In our generation we had the plumber's crack, and this generation, wanting to be “individuals” decided to go with the sag…truly rebels without a clue.

Another fashion snafu that I don’t get is when someone has one pant leg rolled up and the other rolled down, what the poop is going on here.

Is this so if they run across a really narrow puddle they can walk through it and keep their pants leg dry? Maybe it’s just a really bad case of static cling…they should have used Bounce fabric softener.

Here’s a good one, what about waterbeds, why were these things ever considered cool.

Who the crap thinks getting seasick while trying to get some rest is a good thing, you would need bottles of Dramamine and Ambien on your nightstand at all times. I guess considering the side effects of Ambien, sleeping in a waterbed may be a good idea after taking it; sleepwalking wouldn’t really be an issue since you can’t get out of one of those mofos without the aid of a lifeline.

I’m sure owning a waterbed was probably more so to increase one’s overall sexiness rather than coolness, but I still just don’t get it…and by “get it” I don’t mean “it” if you know what I mean, that I get plenty of   **wink wink**  

Speaking of trying to increase one’s overall sexiness, what’s the deal with the whole mirrors on the ceiling thing?

I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want to see while I’m getting it on is me and my partner in the act. Two blobs of naked flesh doing things that should be outlawed, all sweaty and nasty, no that’s okay I think I’ll pass.

You know Viagra; well this would be the complete opposite, this would make one go from pimp to limp in no time flat.

What about hydraulics on cars, who was the jackdonkey who thought that this was a good idea? I don't see how this is comfortable in the slightest, just looking at a car bouncing up and down as a result of this, hurts my back and makes me want to cry.

Whenever I see this I feel bad for the car, not the owner because they are retarded, but it is as if the car is having convulsions…or just a really bad case of hiccups. Why do that to the poor car, what did it ever do to you, besides drive you to places that you needed to go to in a timely manner.

Speaking of cars and stupid things people do to them, what is the appeal of having the music so loud in the car that the bass vibrates everything within a mile radius of the car? How can your ears not bleed or your brain not explode as a result of doing this?

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m too old or that I just value my sense too much, but you won’t find me doing this anytime soon.

Well that’s all I got right now, I’m sure there is more but I just can’t think of them, which I’m sure is because I’m just not as cool as the rest of you peeps.

MJM

“Prison…the Final Frontier”

I don’t break the law, and no it’s not because I’m some kind of “goody two-shoes”, well okay maybe it is, but it is also because I’m afraid of being sent to prison. I’m not a tough guy by any means, I’m about as hard as Charmin, so if I was ever to be in the joint I have no doubt I would be somebody’s bitch in no time flat.

Now I wouldn't mind going to prison if it was like that all female Showtime after dark kind of prison, that I would be okay with, but if it's like Oz from HBO then I'm screwed...both literally and figuratively. Well let’s be honest here, I would probably still get my donkey kicked in the all-female prison too, it would just be with a little more sensitivity.

I'm not even going to try and front, I'm a complete wuss, I know my shirt would be tied up in the front and I would be wearing lipstick shortly after the cell door slammed shut. I'll be sold for a pack of cigarettes back-and-forth between inmates, holding onto someone’s belt loop while calling them big daddy and handing over my commissary like as if I was being bullied for my lunch money…so sad.

I would be face down ass up my first night there, those scary inmates would be treating my booty like a target with their meat sticks being the darts. My hole would be violated in so many different ways it pains me to even think about it…I wouldn’t even be able to sit down the whole time I was there without feeling as if I was sitting on a cactus.

Every night I would cry myself to sleep, using my orange overalls to wipe my tears away and to muffle my desperate pleas for freedom…or death, whatever would be the quickest. I wouldn’t want to wake my celly because with my luck he would have morning wood and feel like getting freaky with my anus again, and I just couldn’t take any more ass pounding.

I also wouldn’t get lucky enough to have a celly like Gene Wilder did in Stir Crazy, there would be no Richard Pryor, I would be stuck with someone more like Deebo from the movie Friday. My celly would be some muscle bound roid head that makes license plates with his teeth.

I would try to tunnel my way out like Andy Dufresne did in The Shawshank Redemption, or maybe even try to sneak out with the laundry, and if I wasn’t able to escape then I would consider making a shank out of my toenails and stab myself to death just to put me out of my misery.

I wonder, do they have something similar to the “teacher’s pet” in prison? If I sucked up to the warden could I be his pet, could I possibly save myself from years of torment and butt abuse? Would I be able to keep my manhood intact and save myself from many nights of crying myself to sleep?

Oh who am I kidding, my warden would be like some crazed drill instructor that got his rocks off by putting little piss-ants like myself through the ringer, making me more of a man…boy would he have his work cut out for him, because this girlie man is more girlie than man.

So needless to say, if I found myself in a predicament where the outcome would be prison, I would be sucking on the barrel of a 12 gauge like a baby on a breast and saying goodnight nurse.

Inmate # 326390 aka MJM
_____________________________________________________________________
 

My thanks...

I would like to thank God for this opportunity, my mom and all my dads, my record company and of course all my incredible fans all over the world…

 

Oh wait a minute, that's the wrong thank you list, that one is for when I win a Grammy.

 

Here’s the “write” one…

 

I want to thank all my lovely co-hosts, who are all amazing writers, extremely funny and the best thing since sliced bread. So do yourself a solid and check them out…you won’t be sorry.

 

Terrye @ http://misplacedalaskan.com/
 

Julie @ http://www.juliedeneen.com/
 

Kate @ http://www.canigetanotherbottleofwhine.com/
 

Sarah @ http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com/

 

Now remember, this is a blog hop (for all you blogging noobs out there click here to find out what that is), so be like a horny bunny rabbit and go hop around and show some sweet lovin’ to all my fellow bloggers.

“Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”

They used to be firm and perky, but now they are droopy like the cartoon dog by the same name.

They look like two bungee jumpers who went down but never came back up. They look like two limp bodies hanging from a noose. They look like the knuckles of a gorilla as he walks erect. God did the yo-yo trick “walking the dog” with them, but never called them back home. Basically they are sagging like a full diaper. 

The dreaded sag and I’m not talking about boobs or pants here people! I’m talking about balls, and I don’t mean the kind you bounce (ouch).  Sorry for being so crass but there’s no nice way to put it, my boys are swinging low like the pendulum on a clock. Go to take your underwear off and get your nut sack twisted up in them. Don't act like I'm the only one. The "downside" to getting “up” there in age.

As a result of this said “saggage” I almost did the unthinkable. I just about slammed my balls in the toilet seat when I was going to sit down to handle my business! Thankfully, I noticed before it was too late and was able to stop myself. I was sitting there in mid-squat, clutching onto the walls and sweating like I just ran a marathon. The whole time I was praying not to slip. I kind of looked like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix dodging bullets.

Thankfully I was able to pull myself up and avoid what would have been a really painful experience, to put it nicely it would have been my rendition of the Nutcracker but with no music and applause, just tears and screams.

I've heard rumors and horror stories about people doing this but I never thought it was true. I always just thought it was an urban legend or one of those disturbing sex fantasies like the people who like to be choked, but now I know it’s real…damn real. I'm scared to sit on the toilet anymore. I do my best to always inspect the area carefully before hand, even going as far as to tape the boys up or just throw them over my shoulder to avoid any dangling obstacles in my path to the potty. There will be no casualties on my watch!

This experience has made me more aware of where things are, and now I do my best to make sure all appendages are inside the car at all times while it is moving. I don’t leave anything up to chance and/or luck anymore. I don’t need to learn things the hard way to make the changes necessary to make my life a lot less painful and heartbreaking. 

This is why I now only wear tighty whities (the male version of the push-up bra), because with boxer shorts you run the risk of things hanging out the leg hole and banging into other body parts, potentially racking one's self. On the rare occasion when I have no other choice but to wear boxer shorts, like when all my other draws are full of bacon bits, I make sure my junk is rolled up nice and tight like a toothpaste tube that is almost out of paste.

My girlfriend thinks I should get surgery to fix the problem, something like a breast lift but for balls, but just the thought of any sharp pointy objects by that area leave me all queasy and lightheaded, so that’s a no go. It’s hard being a man; you women have it easy and have no idea of the pain we men have to endure as a result of things sagging as we get older. Forget the prostate; keep an eye on those balls people. In the famous words of the great poet Jay Z, ”It’s a hard sack life”…of course I’m paraphrasing.

MJM