“Working the Pole”

I need a way to make some extra money, preferably something legal because I don’t want to end up in jail as someone’s bitch.

I thought about hitting the pole and trying my hand at being a stripper, but then I thought who would want to see a chunky white guy in Daisy Dukes dry humping the air and smacking an imaginary ass in the process.

Not only that but I’m extremely white, and we all know what “they” say about us crackers, and no I’m not talking about the tiny pee pee thing, because that couldn't be any more of a fallacy…am I right white people **nervously looks around**.

I’m referring to the whole no rhythm thing, which in my case is totally true; I can’t even walk down the hallway without bumping into a wall or two along the way.

I would come to the stage to some sleazy tongue-in-cheek rock song, sporting a name like White Chocolate or Third Leg Greg, something to get the chicks (and the genetically enhance straight men aka the gays) all hot and bothered.

Tassels hanging from my nipples as if I was a fancy chandelier, and gyrating my body as if I was in a spin cycle to make them swing like a windmill, and most likely smacking myself in the eye with them due to my awkward demeanor.

This in turn would leave me stumbling to the pole as if I was Helen Keller, the whole time hoping for a miracle worker, but instead ending up with a performance that was best suited for “America’s Funniest Videos” rather than a strip club.

Then that is where the fantasy would end, I would go to jump on the pole, wrapping my legs on top trying to be all sexy, only to slide down it landing flat on my back.

I would have fallen and not been able to get “it” up **huh huh**, actually that’s not funny, because I would have a hurt back and no dollar bills in my G-string to show for it.

Due of my “big bones”, and loads of body glitter, I would end up looking like a disco ball rolling around the stage crying out in pain, and who in their right minds wants that.

I also don’t know if one could collect workers' comp for falling off of a stripper pole, so why risk it.

So obviously stripping is not in my future, not unless people want to see some fat naked white guy sitting on a chair bobbing his head and tapping his foot to the music while slowly shedding his clothing as if he was a snake shedding its skin.

MJM

“Nigger”

The dreaded “N-word” the only ethnic slur that is so powerful and potent that people avoid speaking its name, as if the mere mention of it would bring upon pure hatred and ultimate evil amongst the masses.

A word that is not like any other, it is a true double-edged sword, when spoken by a select few under certain circumstances it could be considered a term of endearment, a sign of camaraderie, but when spoken out of anger it becomes a dagger that pierces the heart of the intended target and makes him/her feel less of a person.

The phrase, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt  me” obviously does not hold true, at least not when it comes to this word and the pain it could cause when used by ignorant hate-filled people.

The word is muttered behind closed doors, where people feel safe from any repercussions and/or retaliation as a result of doing so, in a sense they feel as if they are breaking some kind of unwritten law when it crosses their lips. 

Now I don’t personally think that everyone who uses this word is a racist.

Sometimes, I think that people don’t realize how horrific this word is and what it could do in the wrong hands, they just do so without thinking and/or concern with who they may hurt in the process.

I’m white, so white that I’m almost transparent, so I can’t pretend to understand the magnitude of devastation this word has caused over the years, all the people it has hurt and why it holds the power it does.

To me, it is nothing more than hateful garbage that has no purpose in our world, completely meaningless and totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

But then again, as I said prior, I am white and never had to feel the sting of such a word.

I won’t sit here and tell you I’ve never used the word because that would be a lie, but I will do my best to avoid using it at any and all costs in the future, because it is not something that should be taken lightly, regardless of which ethnicity you are.

But I can honestly tell you I’ve never used it in a hateful manner, only in a mindless joking kind of way, which by the way does not make it any better but I’m just being truthful here.

The bottom line is this, we as whites don’t understand just how deep this word cuts, the damage it has done and will do moving forward, and so as with all forms of hate speech we need to remove it from our vocabulary and let it die the death it deserves.

MJM

“Assology”

[as-ol-uh-jee]

Noun

The study of all things ass

Kiss Ass - this one is obvious, these people walk around with their lips permanently glued to another’s ass, most of the time it is the ass of a person they look up to, want to be with and/or want to be, in a strange deranged stalker kind of way.

Tight Ass - I’m not talking about someone who has buns of steel here, but rather someone whose ass is so tight that it squeaks when they walk, they have no sense of humor whatsoever and spend all their time trying to hinder everyone else’s good time.

Wet Ass – After dropping the kids off at the pool, or taking a dump for you less than civilized people, and not wiping properly thus leaving debris in the hole and causing the victim to walk around like he/she just got off of a horse, the end result is shit stains in their underwear and a wicked rash.

Ass Face – When someone is so hideous that their face looks like an ass, and not a nice firm plump ass either, but rather a hairy greasy pimply fat ass, like something you would see peeking out of the pants of a stereotypical plumber or Rosie O' Donnell.

Asshole – When someone is a dick for no apparent reason, they go around causing havoc and making people’s life miserable just because they can, these screwballs actually get pleasure from being a complete tool bag.

Eating Assushi – The eating of an ass, of course not literally because that would be morbid, but using your tongue to lick the puckered brown starfish as if it was a lollipop, chocolate of course.

Asstacular – When an individual has such an amazing ass that you can’t help but to stare, and touch, but be careful with the touching because unless the person is a freak you may end up with sore jewels and/or even in jail time.

Ass Blast – Deliberately shooting gas out of your ass with the hopes of being obnoxious and extremely disgusting all for a good laugh, the whole time trying not to shit yourself in the process, because then the laugh would be on you.

Ass Neck – When someone is so fat that the back of their neck looks like an ass, and depending on the person, it may also smell like one too.

Talking Out Your Ass – When someone says something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, complete and utterly buffoonery is spewing from their head hole, the shit they are talking stinks more than a nice juicy fart.

Asshat – When someone’s head is so far up their ass it is as if they are wearing it as a hat, these people act like complete idiots and are totally unaware that they are different than us normal people.

Well there you have it people, a whole lot of ass terms that you may or may not have been familiar with. Sure there are more, but being the lazy bastard I am, this is all I had the energy for.

You’re welcome!

MJM

“When I Die”

When I die I want my eulogy to be given by a rapper, preferably someone crazy like Eminem or Lil' Wayne, with backup vocals by Rihanna, that would be sure to get the party started.

When I die I want my coffin to be filled with punch, with me in it, giving a whole new meaning to “spiking the punch”.

When I die I would require people to come to my funeral dressed as their favorite character from The Walking Dead, they could take pictures with my lifeless body as if I was a zombie, and if they so felt the need to complete the illusion they could even stab me in the head.

When I die I want to be buried faced down ass up, that way as they are lowering me into the ground I can tell them all to kiss my ass.

When I die I don't want to be buried like everyone else; I want to be propped up on the front lawn as if I was a scarecrow, with glow sticks glued into my hands so on a windy night I would look to be raving.

When I die I don't want my funeral be a sad and somber place, I want it to be upbeat and loads of fun, instead of pallbearers I want puppeteers who would work my corpse as if I was in Weekend at Bernie's.

When I die I want pictures taken of me in my coffin, throwing up gang signs or deuces, then have the picture put on a postcard all sent to all my enemies with the line, "wish you were here" written on it.

When I die I want to be put into a stew and served to all my loved ones, that way we could be together forever, or at least until they went to the bathroom.

When I die I want an open casket at the viewing, with me being buck naked inside, that way, of course after rigor mortis sets in, all the girls can see exactly what they missed out on.

When I die I want my body to be burnt and my ashes mixed with the finest marijuana money can buy, to be smoked by all my loved ones so that they can experience all my awesomeness even after I’m gone.

When I die I want to be buried in my back yard to see if another one of me would grow, of course it would need to be fertilized with straight crap and lots of alcohol, but if everything works out as planned it would all be worth it in the end.

When I die I want to be buried with a hot dead babe, that way I would never be alone, and if by some crazy chance I did come back as a zombie I would have a built-in friend with benefits, that I could eat afterwards.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost, not one that haunts houses, but rather one that haunts the locker room of a women’s beach volleyball team.

When I die I want my tombstone to come equipped with a built-in HD television, so that way it would give people a reason to stop by and stay for a while, but no porn channels because I wouldn’t want some nasty bitches dropping their seed in my flower bed.

When I die I want a rumor started saying my passing was because I didn’t forward a chain email, really scare the shit out of the stupid people.

When I die I want to be buried in a coffin shaped like a vibrator, because you know, just in case God really is a she.

MJM

“Gangsta Blogging”

The world of blogging is very boring, uneventful and totally lame-o (sorry for the harsh language).

Something needs to be done to change that, we need to spice, and shake, things up…yeah I went there.

We should make it more like the gangsta rap game, but instead of the whole East coast-West coast rivalry, we could do something like mommy bloggers vs. humor bloggers…word.

I would call myself 2 Ply, because I’m white and handle more shit than toilet paper, and I would drop more dope blogs than a drunken waitress with vertigo drops dishes yo.

My gang sign would be one hand over the other, like as if I was playing slaps with myself, forget the bat signal, punks better beware when they see the 2 ply sign go up in the air fool.

We all know the pen is mightier than the sword, it’s an ink filled gat mother fugger, rat-tat-tat-tat tat ta tat like that, and I never hesitate to put a blogger on his back…okay sure we don’t use pens, but you get the picture.

I would start smoking the chronic as if I was Dr. Dre, burning more trees than a forest fire, turn my keyboard into a bong and call it Puff the Magic Dragon because that’s how I roll homie.

I would put hydraulics and spinning rims on my desk chair, this would help me feel more hood like when I laid down my flow, showing all those bitches and bastards just how gangsta I truly am when I spit my blogs.

I would even come up with my own dance, something cool like the Stanky Leg or the Superman, every blogger would be doing it and all the haters would be cursing my name because the wannabes are green with envy.

 

We could use different color fonts to show our allegiance to our respected gangs, or clicks if you want to be all Hollywood, and anyone caught blogging in the wrong color would get dealt with, proper like.

My blogs would be going platinum so fast that all those other bloggers wouldn’t know what hit them; my blog would look like a jewelry store with more bling than Nelly’s grill, while theirs looked like a flea market.

Hoes from every area code would be reading my shit, making my Google AdSense account rain like a monsoon, drinking champagne and eating caviar while you other scrub ass bloggers are drinking a 40oz Olde English and wondering where your next meal was coming from.

I would write the blogging equivalent as such rap masterpieces as “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” from The Buckwheat Boyz or “Because I Got High” from Afroman…I was going to blog but then I got high, now I’m browsing Facebook and liking everything I see and I know why, cause I got high, because I got high, because I got high.

I am going to be the king of the mountain, standing on Mount Rushmore, while all you other freaks are traveling underground like a bunch of angst-ridden mole people.

Deuces, I’m outtie like a belly button, better wear a vest because it’s pop pop like some rolled up bubble wrap up in here, forget ballin’ we straight blogging playa.

Pour some liquor out for my fallen bloggers.

MJM

“Eating Ass”

Ass, the other white meat (or dark depending on your preference)?

A friend of mine tried to sell me on eating ass, letting me know how erotic and sensual it could be. How it added some extra spice (and that spice is also known as fecal matter) to the whole love making experience, kicked it up a notch as if it was Emeril Lagasse. **Bam**

Now when I say eating ass, I don’t mean like Hannibal Lecter with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. I mean getting all up in there as if you were in a chocolate pie eating contest. Tonguing it like an anteater would an anthill. Get the picture?

I’m not trying to knock someone’s good time here, or be an asshole (don’t eat me), I just don’t get it myself. I can’t comprehend why someone would want to eat ass and/or have their ass eaten, but to each their own.

Eating ass the epitome of dirty dining! You won't go to a restaurant because you heard there's a roach, but you're perfectly fine with eating ass? These people won't let dogs lick their face because as they say, “they know where their tongue has been” but at the same time don't mind letting their tongue go spelunking down someone’s dark and dirty cave!

I do know that you won’t ever catch me eating it! I don’t care how fine it is and/or who it’s attached to, just knowing the shit (and I mean that literally) that comes out of it is enough to make me keep my distance. You do know that the book, “Everyone Poops” isn’t a work of fiction, right?

I also wouldn’t feel comfortable having someone eat mine. I would be too freaked out. I would be worried they would come up with a shit mustache and/or with corn in their teeth trying to give me a kiss. I would have imaginations of becoming a real life human centipede, which would haunt me every time I was a participant on Naked and Afraid.

Not only that, but what if your pipes were clogged, something so fierce that not even Liquid Plumber could fix? The job requires a snake (which in this case is the tongue), and with the first sign of penetration everything would come gushing out like a puss from a popped pimple. Taking “talking shit” to a whole new level, one that it doesn’t need to be on and absolutely something that should never be witnessed.

You’re staring down the barrel, eye to hole. Cheeks held wide open so there’s nothing to hinder the shot. Then it happens! You get blasted in the face as if you were Daffy Duck and you just took a shot from Elmer Fudd to the dome during duck season. I guess depending on your partner’s diet it could be good for your skin, but just imagine the smell, the clumps falling down your face like drips from a melting ice cream cone, and in my opinion a person losing all credibility when they are seen wearing a crap mask.

You’re now there with skid marks on your forehead looking like Swamp Thing and smelling like a public restroom, and if you’re like me your last meal is quickly making its way back up your esophagus, needlessly to say ruining the moment and completely killing the mood.

So with that said, we need to forget about banning drugs and guns, and ban ass eating, because honestly nothing good can come from it. You should never have to pick a dingleberry from your teeth, not for any reason. Never mind waterboarding, you want information from the terrorists; have them get down with some ATM (Ass to mouth).

To paraphrase the great Whitney Houston, “Butt crack is whack”!

MJM

“Blow Job”

Don’t get me wrong, I love women just as much as the next red-blooded American straight male with his junk intact, but sometimes they drive me nuts, and by nuts I mean freaking bang your head against the wall bonkers.

We men are not perfect, far from it, but you women should come with a disclaimer which reads something like, "Free Sex” in big bold letters, and then the fine print would read, with purchase of ring, car, etc. and must have a high tolerance for bitching…not hating, just saying.

There have been many times where I’ve considered swearing off women altogether, at least the living ones, and I’m not contemplating necrophilia here so get your mind out of the gutter you sick freaks, but maybe checking into purchasing one of those blowup women.

And when I say blowup, of course I don't mean with explosives, I'm talking about with air, you know giving them a blow job if you will.

You have issues with a rubber woman there is no "I'm sorry" times infinity, no bouquets of flowers and/or fine jewelry (depending on how bad you screwed up), just a can of fix-a-flat and a bike pump is all you need.

You don't have to spend any money on them to get them to put out, when you're ready to go you won't ever get shot down by the infamous "headache" line and best of all there is nothing off limits when it comes to banging the gong, if you catch my drift.

You want a threesome, a foursome or even a fivesome, no problem, just pick up a few more inflatable friends and you’re good to go.

You could even pick up a blowup man doll if you wanted to see what it would be like to be gay, just in case you were “curious”, and with all participants being airheads (no offense blondes) you would never have to worry about your bedroom shenanigans getting out to all your buddies and being made fun of.   

When all is said and done you can just shove her in the closet or any other out of the way place, leaving the whole bed to yourself with no one to steal the covers and/or complain what you watch on the boob tube to go to sleep to.

I would definitely recommend deflating and running her through the dishwasher at least once a week or so, otherwise you’re left with a big sticky mess on your hands, and who wants that.

Does this piece come off as sexiest, or possibly even a little crazy, I’m sure it does but what can I say, when it comes to women I love the sex but all the other stuff I can do without.

I’m sure that you women, if honest, would admit that if there was an artificial man doll thingy with none of our gross traits that you despise and all of the good stuff that you love, you would jump on him (no pun intended) in a heartbeat.

Sex toys bring all the joys and none of the hassles, so save your time, money and sanity and pick up a blowup doll, things would be a lot less stressful if everyone heeded the words.

MJM