“Tail”

Men (and lesbians) want to tap it, make it clap and in their eyes the bigger the better, and of course I’m talking about the female booty, the caboose, the junk in the trunk, you get the picture.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy when a chick has back just as much as the next man, but I was just wondering what the appeal was, why are we blindly (and of course I don’t mean literally) drawn to it like a mouse is to cheese.

Speaking of which, some of these buns could also find us in a trap, so just like the mouse we must be careful when sniffing out the “cheese”, like the great poet Sir Mix-A-Lot said, “That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung”…sprung, like as in a mousetrap, get it.

Anyway…

I mean think about it, they are the garbage disposals of the human body, all the crap (pardon the pun) our bodies don’t want it gets rid of. I know to some freaky bastards out there that may be hawt and sexy, but to me that’s just plain old nasty.

But even with that knowledge I still can’t avoid the female backside, I’m drawn to it like as if it was a refrigerator and I was a magnet, it calls to me like the television in Poltergeist and I was Carol Anne.

I try to refrain, I try not to stare at it, which is not an easy task by any means and sometimes I have to pretend it’s a solar eclipse just to keep from staring directly at it.

This doesn't always work though, but I must say that it does help if the chick with the thick juicy booty steak is with some crazy looking muscle bound ‘roid head, that kind of kills some of the temptation, if you know what I mean.

I don’t know, I can’t tell you why I want to squeeze them all like as if I was an old woman in the grocery store looking for a fresh loaf of bread, but when I see a fine one common sense goes out the window and my sex drive switches to autopilot.

When it comes to hot chick booty I can sniff it out like as if I was a bloodhound, the kiester doesn't even need to be in the same vicinity as me and I can sense it, like as if I was Spider-man and it got my spider sense tingling…and some other areas tingling too, huh huh.

Female derriere is like a quarter on the train tracks, it can derail me with a quickness, no matter what I was doing before it came into my line of vision it all comes to a halt, the only thing that matters is that gluteus maximus and how good it looks.

I’m as lost as a kid on the back of a milk carton, I don’t know why I’m hypnotized by the booty and why when it grabs hold of me it won’t let go, but I must say they are the best thing since sliced cake.

So keep being bootylicious all you fine females out there, and please forgive me, and all my male counterparts for staring at your rump like as if we were dying of thirst and it was a bottle of water.

Share those beautiful bums, those fantastic fannies and those heavenly heinies, we really appreciate it, and will just about do anything you ask for a piece of that tail. 

The End (get it...the end, we're talking about butts...oh nevermind)

MJM

“Who I Admire”

I don’t like to say “idol” because I don’t idolize anyone, but there are certain people that I admire and really appreciate and respect what they've accomplished in their professional careers. With me being a writer, and attempting my hand at humor, the people I admire the most are master in their respective fields, at least as far as I’m concerned anyway.

The first person I would like to acknowledge would be the late great George Carlin. This man was a pure comedic genius, and wasn't afraid to speak his mind and call it the way it was, no matter who he offended. He was a master wordsmith and a very clever man; he made you think for the funny, he didn't just hand it to you.

The next person I would like to acknowledge would be the King of all Media, Howard Stern. He set out to conquer his world, and that is exactly what he did, he took on all pretenders to the thrown and beat them down like Rodney King. Just like Carlin he was never afraid to speak his mind and tell people like it was, no matter who liked it and/or if it would land him in hot water for doing so.

The final person I would like to acknowledge is the ringmaster Jerry Springer. This man is an amazing puppet master; he really knows the strings to pull to get people all riled up and ready to hit a bitch with a chair. Call him a whack job, or even a fraud, but the bottom line is that he brought in ratings and made him, and his show, a household name.

I admire these people because they weren't afraid to go against the grain, they weren't afraid to think outside the box and take what was consider the “norm” and throw it out the window, without ever looking back and/or the fear of repercussions. They were all masters in the respective fields and they change the game for all players, they set the standard.

Now I know some people may say these three individuals are grotesque and/or vulgar and/or a blemish on this world, but you know what, they knew what the people wanted and they gave it to them…gift wrapped with a pretty bow on top. You may not like them, but you know who they are and what they’re about, I would say that makes them a success…wouldn't you.

I hope to one day be as good, well actually better, than these three individuals. I want to be the person that everyone loves to hate, the person who changes the game to meet his needs and when all is said and done I want to be the person that all others want to be like.

MJM

“_______ Made Them Do It”

Feel free to fill in the blank as you feel fit, blame whomever and/or whatever you want when someone does something stupid and/or wrong, as long as it keeps the blame off of who it rightfully belongs on, which is the person themselves and/or the parents depending on the overall situation.

Was it the music they listened to, was it the video games they played or was it the devil himself who caused them to act the fool and shoot up a school or blow up a building full of innocent people?

It had to be something other than their own minds and evil desires because we all know they wouldn't have done that without some kind of outside influence, it’s just not possible…at least that’s what we tell ourselves.

People find it difficult to believe that there are crazy individuals with corrupt minds who walk amongst us, who would do something heinous regardless of what they listened to and/or watched on television?

Is it because we view ourselves as the superior species on this planet, we are on the top of the pyramid and everything else is beneath us, so there is no way we could do things of a horrendous nature without something/one in our ear telling us to do it?

Is it just a way to comfort ourselves, like a baby blanket and/or pacifier was for a kid during a bad thunderstorm, to make us believe that there is no evil in this world, that everything and everyone is good and wholesome with no bad intentions and/or thoughts of wrong doing?

I’m sure someone like James Holmes would still have shot up the movie theater that night in Aurora, Colorado, even if he only watched Veggie Tales movies and listened to Mozart, the freak was just a mental case of dynamite that was just waiting to explode on us normal people.

Parents didn't hug them enough, they listened to a record backwards, the show they watched on television glorified and/or promoted violence/rape, this list of excuses can go on and on but the bottom-line is blaming someone/thing else doesn't solve anything, just hinders the solution.

Now I’m not saying there aren't legitimate cases of people doing things due to an outside influence, whether it is good or bad, but I refuse to believe that every time something negative happens that it’s the fault of someone/thing else, it’s just not possible.

Stop pointing the finger, stop looking for a scapegoat, we will never correct the issues at hand if we don’t face them head on and do what’s necessary to correct them. We will never advance as a civilization if we don’t, it’s a matter of life and death here people, so get with the program.

It’s unfortunate for sure, but the reality of it is that we do have living and breathing screwballs blending in with the masses pretending to be one of us, who want nothing more than to cause havoc and ruin our lives, to think otherwise would be utterly foolish and ultimately dangerous.

So until we figure all this out, and start placing the blame where it belongs, I say we forget banning guns and allow everyone to carry a piece like as if it was the Wild West. Sure this gives the crazies a weapon, but it also gives us regular people one too, so we will have a fighting chance against the freaks.

If the people handing out the firearms thought for a second that the recipient was off their rocker, a few eggs short of a dozen or not the sharpest knife in the drawer, as a precaution they could give them one of those gag guns that when fired just shoots out a flag that read “bang”.

Of course judging a book by its cover isn't always the best way to go about things, so if they accidentally gave one of those gag guns to the wrong person and they lost in a duel to a whack job because of it, we could just consider it taking one for the team.

MJM

Chris Rock said it best...

“Stereo(typical) Life”

Think how crazy this world would be if stereotypes actually represented the majority instead of the minority, we would be in for one hell of a ride. This place would be like a giant circus, forget the ozone layer, we have the big top.

If all blondes had huge silicone weapons of mass distraction and were as dumb as a box of rocks, getting laid and finding a floatation device in the case of a water landing would be as easy as 1 2 3. Life would be full of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee/Kid Rock kind of relationships, and honestly I wouldn’t mind one bit being the ugly one.

Think how much fun areas like Compton and Harlem would be if all African Americans could dance like nobody's business, these places wouldn’t be scary anymore, they would be like a Michael Jackson video on a constant loop. Instead of gunfire and sirens you would hear the boom of ghetto blasters and the phrase, “you got served” every second of the day. The only bad thing about these areas would be the shortage of ribs, chicken and watermelon.

What if all Mexicans were really in this country illegally and here to steal our jobs, think how much fun that would be for employers, forget about firing the bastards when they didn’t do their jobs, just call Immigration and have their asses deported…boo ya! You would also never have to worry about them asking for a raise either, minimum wage, below minimum wage or even paying them in tacos, it doesn’t matter because who would they complain to.

All those pesky gays, out for your children and your pecker, well maybe we should just castrate them all, that would solve everything…right?  These bastards want to nail anything that stands up to pee, all us straight men should walk around with chastity belts on to help protect our balloon knots from hostile meat darts, we need to keep them intact people.     

What if all the Republicans really were gun totting, death penalty for everyone, sleep with their sister rednecks, would we really be comfortable voting for them and having them be the face of our country? Would we have to keep an eye on the American flag, because if not we could one day see it disappear and replaced by the Rebel flag?   

What if all the Jewish people out there really where penny pinching cheap asses who would rather die than part with a dollar, would society be like the Titanic, with all the Jews in first class being escorted to the lifeboats when the ship is sinking while the rest of us our locked down below? Would the ever so popular and extremely fun kids play thing known as the top be replaced by the dreidel?

What if people from the Middle Eastern were all terrorists? Would you be afraid to piss them off because you would never really know if that day they were sporting their bomb belts or just their regular belt they picked up at Walmart, or maybe they just had enough and were ready to end it all so they could have their seven virgins and treated as royalty in heaven.  

What if all Asians were master martial artists, computer geniuses and math was as easy as “pi” to them; would we all want one in our crew, especially when we were in school? Bully and algebra wouldn’t bother us at all, hey punk, one plus one is two fists in your face fool.
 
What if all us white people…hmmm well…I guess we do fit our stereotypes to a T, man we’re lame. We can’t dance, we’re tight asses and of course we are “the man” that everyone keeps talking about. Dang it man, why couldn’t I have been born a minority…stupid white parents!

Stereotypes are hilarious, and anyone who actually believes them is even funnier. Come one people, wake up and smell the crap that is being spewed by all these hateful pricks and stop spreading this nonsense around like as if it was butter.

MJM

“F.A.G.S.”

I don’t believe the word “fags” is a derogatory term, I truly believe it is an acronym for “Fabulous And Gorgeous Superstars”. Think about it, the majority of gays you come across are just that, they are fabulous and gorgeous superstars, they shine bright and are ever so proud of who they are.

It is very rare that you see a gay man looking like he just came from Walmart and is now heading home to the trailer park where him and his “roommate” are feeding their ten bastard children on hotdogs the government paid for which are being cooked on a car engine that is laying on the front lawn…not hating, just saying.

I know some of you would say they are not proud of who they are, that if they were they wouldn’t be hiding out in their “closets” pretending to be something they’re not. My answer to that would be, the only reason they hide out in those so-called “closets” is because there’s way too many crazy hateful fuckshits out there that would beat them up just for being who they are.

Needless to say them hiding their true selves is not because they are ashamed of who they are, but rather because they don’t want to end up as a redneck piñata just because they are different…and not into their sisters.

Once the people find a new group of people to hate on, for no apparent reason, then there will be no reason for gays to be concerned about coming out…they will be out like Anthony Weiner’s wiener. Until that day however, they have to keep their identities hidden like Superman, well more like Wonder Woman, but without the female body parts…but of course with all her sexual urges, oh no I di'int.

There are a few other things that I find funny when it comes to hating on gays, things that don’t really make any sense to me, but oh well, who am I.

First, I find it odd when people say, “I don’t mind gays, as long as they don’t shove it in my face”, and this just amuses me beyond belief. Mainly because I know most gays wouldn’t shove “it” in your face if you were the last man on Earth (oh snap).

I think most of the people who say things like that have tendencies, and not necessarily of the gay kind either, they have whack job, serial killer and asshat tendencies just to name a few. So the next time you hear someone say something like that you better run for cover, because you just never know. 

  

I also find it funny when some people say it gross that they give it to each other up/down (I say up/down because it all depends on who’s doing the ramming and if they are on top or on the bottom) the kiester, that’s just grodie they say, but the first thing they do when they’re alone with their significant other behind closed doors is ask for anal…jealous perhaps.

Of course they get denied, like an applicant seeking a loan with poor credit, so they get angry and in some cases even embarrassed, so who better to take that frustration out on than the professionals. They’re mad that gay guys don’t mind pooper poking, and they feel if they can’t have it than no one should. 

Lastly, I can’t stand people who use religion as a weapon, who try to use it to back up their hating hearts and make themselves feel justified for their evil ways. Like for example, when they say, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”.

That just sounds so stupid and ignorant, and my response back has to be just as childish and immature, so I say, “God also made fruits and vegetables, not burgers and fries, so get your fat ass out of here before I beat you down with a wiffleball bat”…too much?  

This piece was written to show all you homophobes out there how stupid you sound and how ridiculous you look when you hate on gays and this is coming from a straight man, believe it or not.

They don’t tell you how to use the hammer in your toolshed, so don’t tell them how to organize the clothes in their closet. Live and let live people, stop hating on what, and who, you don’t understand and start treating each other like you would want to be treated.

MJM

“Lice Lice Baby”

Unfortunately I had those little buggers before; when I was younger of course, now I keep my hair shorter than a butch lesbian and keep all the Walmart shoppers away with a stick…of deodorant that is.Needless to say it was very uncomfortable and not really all that enjoyable, I walked around with my hands up in my head as if I was constantly lathering with some kind of invisible shampoo.

They used my head as party central, and they tore it up like some drunken teens on Spring break. They were zooming around my head like as if they were Jeff Gordon and my head was the Daytona 500. I felt like a mobile high-rise apartment building, with my head being the penthouse, and there were more residences up there than rednecks at an NRA convention.

It was very embarrassing to say the least, especially when I was called into the school nurse’s office to have my head checked.She was sifting through my hair like as if she was a hunter, in rubber gloves and armed with a comb, searching for her prey, the infamous lice bug.

She found what she was looking for and called my parents to come pick me up so they could take me home to try to exterminate the bugs. When my parents finally got there, I was escorted out the back door like I was some kind of celebrity, trying to beat the crowd out of the gates.

My parents tried many ways to get rid of the little bastards. One way was drenching my head in pure kerosene, and since they were smokers they did it with a lit cigarette dangling from their lips. So there I sat in the tub, buck-naked with a head full of kerosene and one ash away from being Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial, needless to say it wasn't fun.

The whole time I had that stuff on my head I was fearful it would drip into my eyes forever blinding me, turning me into a highly combustible Helen Keller.

Thankfully that didn't happen; everything went off without a hitch, or so we thought. We later found out that kerosene only killed the adult bugs, and didn't do jack squat to the eggs.

Like in the Alien movies, if the space marines only killed the adults and let the eggs live, they would find themselves wearing a facehugger and giving birth to a bastard alien baby in no time flat, making all their cleanup efforts for naught. The same is true for lice, well except for the bastard alien baby thingy, as far as I know that won’t happen. 

If not treated correctly these creepy critters won’t go away, like Bebe’s kids, they don’t die, they multiply. So a few weeks later we found ourselves right back in the same situation, but this time my parents tried some over-the-counter lice treatment and spoke to the professionals before proceeding…which in this case was other parents who experienced the same thing.

We did the shampoo, washed every possible thing in the house we could, and dug in each other’s heads with a comb looking for eggs like a pack of gorillas cleaning each other. This time it seemed to work better, they seemed to be gone and killed dead, we were as happy as African Americans the day they heard O.J. was not guilty.

It was a rough time for sure, and I’m glad it’s over with, but I can tell you for sure if I ever get lice again I’m going completely bald like Moby.

MJM

“If You Write It, They Will Come”

Okay it’s hump day and since I’m not humping, I figured I would write a blog, not really an equal trade-off but oh well, you have to take the good with the bad.

Now I didn't really have anything in mind, nothing too clever and/or enlightening happening in this dome of mine, so I went looking for inspiration. I decided to take a look at the keywords that brought people to my blog; I wanted to know what it was they were looking for that made them find me.

I was thinking I would find words/phrases that were sophisticated, that sounded like something you would hear at a Mensa meeting, things that would make me smile and say yuppers I’m one smart cookie for writing that.

Although to my surprise that wasn't the case, people were seeking all sorts of crazy nonsense; things like “fat men with boobs” and “monkeys dirty asshole” just to name a few. After seeing that my ego quickly went flat like a tire with a nail in it, and I realized I was more of the class clown rather than the teacher’s pet.

I even saw things like “hot naked women in dresses” and thought to myself, if these hot women were in dresses than they’re not really naked…right? I’m was lost, is my audience as dumb as a box of rocks, or just so horny that they can’t think straight.

People also searched “white girls with big round asses”, "wedgie" and “hot cosplay chicks”, now searches like this I can understand, and as a matter of fact it may have even been me who searched it. What can I say, sometimes a man has to take matters into his own hands **huh huh**.

I didn't need a pair of glasses; because I could clearly see that not many mature individuals were reading what I was laying down. I can say for sure that you wouldn't find any parents reading my blogs to their children as bedtime stories.

I should probably have it where my readers could print out a dunce cap, all they would have to do is cut along the dotted lines and slap some glue on that mutha to assemble, of course they would have to use safety scissors and “crazy” glue because I wouldn't want anyone to stab themselves in the forehead.

This information made me question what I was doing, was I keeping myself from becoming a success and hindering my intellectual growth? Forget the “man”, was I keeping myself down, keeping myself from being all I could be like the army.

Should I change who I am, should I conform to the so-called norm and climb into that proverbial box that so many people seem to reside in? Would I gain more readers and/or would I be more respected if I did, could I even be passed off as mainstream if I took the safe politically correct route?

I quickly came to my sense and smacked myself in the back of the head for thinking that crap. I don’t want to be like everybody else, I’m not trying to be your clone, I’m trying to be your superior. I enjoy writing things that don’t make sense; things that make people laugh and forget about their everyday stresses, things that aren’t all that involved and all smarty tarty.

So to anyone who found my blog by searching some random nonsense, you’re the bomb diggity, and don’t let any tight-ass mofo tell you any differently. Be proud to be off your rocker, embrace the laughter and keep humor alive.

To all the some beaches who don’t comprehend this shiz, well too bad, I’m not changing for anyone and I’m staying insane in the membrane.

(Actual keyword(s)/phrases searched that brought people to my site) 

MJM