"My Soapbox Rant"

Alcoholics...

Why do they want to be anonymous when they are getting help, but when they are getting their drunk on, they are as loud and obnoxious as can be. One would think they would be happy to let the world know they are getting help, that's a good thing, and get their drunk on in private, because it's embarrassing...at least I know I would.

Breaking The Law...

I am not one to break the law, not just because I'm a total wuss, but because I'm scared to go jail/prison. I'm as soft as Charmin...and just as squeezable too. I would be holding onto some one's belt loop and calling them daddy in no time, being sold for cigarettes and getting rammed in the kiester on a regular basis.

Common Sense...

Why do they call it common sense when in all reality, it's not all that common. Most people nowadays are complete idiots...I'm not hating, I'm just saying. Try talking to a random stranger on the street and see how the conversation goes.

Bumper Stickers...

Do these people really believe other motorist care about their beliefs and what they have to say? How I feel about abortion isn't going to change because the nitwit on the road in front of me driving the beat up jalopy with a personalized license plate which reads "Ass Man" is for or against it.

Religious Fanatics...

These screwballs drive me nuts, religion is supposed to be about peace and love, but these freaks are all about judgment and damnation. The people passing the most judgment are the people with the most skeletons in their closet, trying to deflect. It doesn't matter what God you follow, there are some of these people in every sect. The crazy thing about it, is there are atheists that are this way too...so much for being smarted than everyone else.

Political People...

First things first, there is no such thing as an honest politician who is for the people, Democrat or Republican it doesn't matter, they all have their own agenda...and trust me, we are not part of it. The bottom line is it comes down to the lesser of the two evils when voting, who makes you less sick.

Cartoons...

Have you tried watching some of these newer cartoons, they are all based on a card game or a bad acid trip, this stuff is crazy. Man how I miss the cartoons from the eighties...they were awesome.

Drugs...

Now I'm not talking about marijuana here, I'm talking about all the other crap people are putting into their bodies...especially the man-made crap. Are you people nuts, what the poop is going on in your head that makes you think it would be a good idea to smoke and/or ingest some of this garbage. Meth, spice, bath salts...really! If I want to take a trip without leaving the house, I'll watch the Travel channel.

Reality TV...

Why do people watch this crap...do they really believe it's reality? It you want to see true reality, just wake up. If we were to really film "reality" it would be pretty boring and would be canceled after just a couple of episodes...trust me.

Disciplining Children...

These little bastards scare me...they're all crazy. Whose bright idea was it to count when a kid does something wrong, who in their right mind thought this would be a good idea. I say bring back the wooden spoons and rubber slippers, let parents beat some common sense and manners into these brats. I'm not saying beat them like a piñata, but a firm smack on the backside speaks volumes...trust me.

Credit Bureaus...

Companies should not be able to pull your credit unless you're applying for some sort of lending/credit product. Why does a potential employer and/or insurance company need to know what's on my credit, you're not giving me anything without something in return, I'm either paying for it and/or working for it...so if I don't do what I'm supposed to do then I get fired and/or cancelled...you're not out anything but time. Not everyone with bad credit is a deadbeat and/or crook...it just means they fell on some hard times.

If a company is able to post negative information on your credit report, then they should also have to post the positive...you shouldn't be allowed to do one without the other.

Stop worrying about whether or not the wealthy need to pay more or less taxes, trust me it doesn't affect us people on the bottom of the totem pole one bit either way...worry about the poor and middle class struggling just to survive and all the unnecessary hoops they have to jump through just to make it in this world today.

Ignorant Republicans...

(Disclaimer...I don't have a problem with Republicans...just ignorant people. I'm sure if a Republican won the election this section would be titled "Ignorant Democrats".)

Just for the record...not all Democrats/Independents are unhealthy, uneducated and living off the government. I can't tell you how many times after Obama won the election I've read/heard people bashing the Democrats/Independents because they thought Obama was the better man for the job and voted for him. One such person I heard bashing him didn't even vote...what nerve.

I know it sucks that it wasn't your candidate who won...but what did your parents teach you about being a poor sport when you were younger...and now that we know who's going to be occupying the white house for the next four years, we (Democrats and Republicans) need to put aside our differences and work together to make this great country of ours shine.

Trust me, I would be saying this even if Romney won...it's time to grow up and stop acting like little immature brats...besides, with Obama winning it gives Rush Limbaugh at least four more years of bashing Democrats/Independents material...so you're welcome.

Speaking of ignorant people...

People Threatening to Leave the Country and/or Secede from the United States as a Whole Because Obama Won the Election...

My response to them...here's your hat what's your hurry. These people really think highly of themselves, like we as a country, or individuals for that matter are really going to miss them if they picked up and left...just remember though, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. These people remind me of the kids we would play with when we were younger, the kind that if they didn't get what they wanted would take their ball and go home...come on people, grow up.

Sue-Happy People...

Anyone who sues over every little thing should get beat with a wiffleball bat. If your life is really that bad where you are constantly put in situations that warrant suing...then you are either in an ACME cartoon or one of the unluckiest people around and probably should never leave your house again...just saying. We should have the option to sue the people that are suing like crazy, because let's be honest here, in the long run it's only hurting us.

Bailout Plan...

I'm all in favor of bailing out select companies with the purpose of trying to keep people working and keeping goods manufactured here in America, but what I don't understand is bailing out all the big banks that caused most of the problems in the first place. Why not bail out the people hurt most by all this, the poor and middle class...and no I'm not talking about giving them all free money and/or government assistance, so put away your pitchforks and torches Republicans.

In my opinion, what they should have done is waived, deferred and/or lowered interest rates, over the limit fees and other various charges assessed to credit cards to a reasonable amount for an adequate amount of time, which would allow people to catch up on payments without ending up defaulting...even if they were unemployed.

Also offer some kind of credit counseling and reasonable repayment options for delinquent accounts so people who are struggling can get back on their feet without ruining their credit and/or ultimately filing for bankruptcy.

Hateful People...

Why do we still have hate, I mean I know why we do, but I just don't get it. This is such an easy fix, it just doesn't make sense to me that in today's day and age there are people who still go around hating on others for something they are not...or to be more forward, something they are fearful of. Live and let live people, erase the hate from your heart and mind and start loving others. We really, really need to give peace a chance.

Or the Terrorists Win, Help Save the Economy and Other Stupid Sayings Used to Get Us to Spend Money...

All I can say about this one...is stop being sheep. Involve yourself in the world, educate yourself and don't just take what is spoon fed to you and believe it to be truth, find out what's really going on first hand and do something about it to better the situation and yourself.

Forgiveness...

Don't you just love when people wrong you, then they apologize and expect everything to be alright again...and even have to nerve to get mad at you if you don't just let things go. I got news for you people; it's not up to you when people are ready to forgive you for what you did to wrong them...just because you're ready to be forgiven doesn't mean they are ready to forgive. Make amends, and then allow the person you've wronged to respond in their time, and when they're ready, about how they feel about things.

OK, time for me to get off my soapbox and to stop bothering you good people with all my nonsense.

MJM

“To Pee, or Not to Pee, That is the Question”

One of my biggest pet peeves (if you will) is when I wake up in the middle of the night from a sound sleep and have to hit the head.

Now of course when I say “hit the head” I don’t mean literally, because that would really hurt, but rather I mean I have to take a pee pee.

I’m lying there all comfortable like and as snug as a bug in a rug when nature calls, and it doesn’t call quietly either, it calls like one of those annoying bill collectors, and to make matters worse it’s calling collect.

So my dilemma is, do I get up and use the potty then have to climb back into bed and try to get comfortable again, or do I just stay there and risk letting the flood gets open?

As I’m trying to make my decision I start to fall back to sleep, in my head the song “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin is playing, except it’s called “Don’t worry pee happy” and I feel myself letting go…if you know what I mean.

Thankfully, I wake up right before I’m about to christen the bed sheets with my not so holy water.

I already know how my girlfriend feels about me "shitting" on her, so I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t like me peeing on her either, and when I say pee on her I don’t mean in the R. Kelly way so get your mind out of the gutter.

If I do happen to “spring a leak” in the bed I’ll have to wash all the bedding, my clothes and the mattress, all the time while my girlfriend is bitching me out, not really my idea of a good time.

On top of that, have you ever tried to hang a mattress on a clothesline to dry, it is not easy?

I thought about going the way of “Lisa Nowak”, that crazy NASA astronaut who likes to wear diapers on road trips when she’s late for a killing, and pick up some Depends for myself to sleep in.

That way I could sleep through the night, let loose if I need to and wake up to clean (and dry) bed, and a bitch free girlfriend.

I even thought about using a catheter, but then I remember how much of a wuss I am and how I whine when I’m sick, so I decided against it.

I don’t know, what is a man to do I tell you, life is tough.

I guess my only real option is to sleep right on the toilet itself, that way I don’t have to worry about anything, well except maybe for a sore neck and a ring around my ass from a toilet seat.

This blog is dedicated to my friend Sarah over at "SadderButWiserGirl”, not because she wets the bed or anything, but just because she steered me in the right direction.

MJM

“Car Insurance...a Necessary Evil”

Buying car insurance...what a joke…an evil cruel joke.

I can't believe the questions these companies ask...and the fact that they are legally allowed to ask them is even more absurd and mind numbing. What difference does it make what my credit looks like, whether or not I'm singled and/or married, or even if I'm in school or not...you're not dating me, you're just insuring me...I really felt as if I was filling out an application for one of those online dating sites instead of purchasing car insurance.

I can't believe how much this crap costs...some of these companies wanted upwards of five hundred dollars a month to insure me...now I know Flo has to get her hair and makeup done, the gecko has to eat and State Farm needs the money to fund their anti-internet campaign (bonjour) but this is ridiculous. I say can the caveman...fire Flo...step on the gecko...and the general needs to be court-martialed...I would rather see stick figures selling the insurance and the monthly premiums drastically drop, rather than have all these flashy, funny and clever sales pitches.

Also, why can't I get my money back if I don't have any accidents while I'm insured with your company, okay maybe not all of it back, but at least half...I don't think that's asking too much. It's not like they have to do anything for my money, unless of course I have a claim, so realistically I'm just paying them in case something happens. This is like when mob takes money from small businesses to "protect" them, so I guess what I'm saying is insurance companies are the modern day mafia.

God forbid you do have to file a claim...even after paying them all that money...they treat you like as if you were their child who they walked out on years ago, and now you've come back looking for the support and love that's owed to you....they are basically deadbeat dads...and I don't know about you, but I think these bastards should be paying child support.

Car insurance companies...and necessary evil we can't avoid...unfortunately we are at their mercy and we can do nothing about it...we just have to grin and bear it.

MJM

“Making the Best of a Shitty Situation”

This story is not for the easily offended, but for the easily amused, so if you have a good sense of humor and don’t get easily offended by bad words and a little bit of “toilet” humor then sit right back and enjoy the show.

Now if you happen to be one of those tight-ass individuals who takes everything seriously, and who is afraid to crack a smile, then you may want to move along because there is nothing here for you to see.

This is an actual conversation I had with my girlfriend the other night, believe it or not this is what passes for normal conversation in our house, and no, our house is not the psychiatric ward at Bellevue…but in all honesty it’s not far from it.

Before I get to the conversation, I have to let you know what lead up to it so you can better understand what was going on, and so that you can know that we aren’t totally out of our minds.

My stomach was hurting, for reasons I don’t know, but it was hurting, and hurting bad.

It kind of felt like someone dropped kicked me in my breadbasket, with cleats on, and that “someone” just happened to be of the larger variety, if they were a candy bar they would be the king size…if you catch my drift.

As a result of this pain I had to keep running to the bathroom, and a couple of times I just barely made it.

Sometimes it felt as if I was running a relay race, but instead of being handed a baton, I was handed a fresh new roll of toilet paper, 2 ply of course because I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There was a few times during my shitscapades where I almost filled my Batman underroos with some warm chocolate corn pudding, not a nice feeling at all, as I’m sure you can imagine.

As soon as I sat down on the pot my ass would fire off a vicious shot, one that sounded like a canon going off, and if anything just happened to be in the way of the blast, all I can about that, is may God have mercy on your soul.

When all was said and done it looked as if I blow up one of those M&M guys in the toilet, a candy coated crime scene…call in CSI: Mars!

There were chocolate and peanut chunks everywhere, and it definitely smelt as if killed something too, sorry Yellow or Red, whoever it was who made the sacrifice.

After a while it hurt to sit down.

I was experiencing some serious fire in the hole; it felt as if someone shoved a lit candle up my ass, and twisted it like a screwdriver.

As the evening went on my anus started getting worn out, it was hanging out my backside like Snuffleupagus’ trunk, and it was just as sad.

It eventually came to be bed time, and I wasn’t really sure what to expect considering how my evening was going.

I warned my girlfriend before getting into bed that I may just “shit” on her during the night, but if I did it wasn’t my fault and couldn’t be held accountable, it was something that was completely outside of my control. 

She of course freaked out, you know how chicks are, and said, “If I shit on her it will be the last time we sleep together”!

I proceeded to tell her that if I did indeed shit on her it wouldn’t have been on purpose, I had no way to control my ass muscles while I was sleeping, so something may just shoot out.

She didn’t really care for that explanation either and told me, “To ask my friends if they would like to be shit on, and how would they feel if they were”.

My response was, “I don’t really know, maybe something of them are freaky like that and would enjoy it, but trust me, if I did happen to shit on you it wouldn’t be of a sexual nature”.

As you could expect that didn’t really go over all that well with her either, so needless to say she sent me out on to the couch, where if I did bust ass in my sleep there would be no innocent causalities.

I eventually fell asleep, and thankfully no one was shit on, so we continue to sleep together…at least for now.

MJM

“Kardashian, Honey Boo Boo Child, Lohan, etc.”

This isn’t some sort of secret code…you do not need a secret decoder ring to read this…this is a list of people who I can’t believe we are talking about…who we are keeping in the public eye…who we are making feel more important than they really are.

Now of course this is just a partial list, a lot more names belong on it…but for the sake of not writing a blog as thick as a phonebook…and giving these nobodies more attention than they deserve... I’ve decided to go with the condensed version.

Why do we care about these people…are our lives that mundane and meaningless that we spend our time and energy on this garbage. As a society…do we really not have anything better to do…with all that is happening in the world nowadays...I think we all know the answer to that one.

You know when a kid acts up…makes a scene…you’re told to ignore them and sooner or later they’ll stop because they’re just looking for attention…well that’s the same with these fools. Stop paying attention to them…stop feeding the fire…focus your attention on things that really matter and not this trivial nonsense.


So the next time you’re in line at the grocery store…and you see one of those supermarket tabloids on the shelf…leave it there…use the money you would have wasted on that trash and donate it or better yet, give it to the homeless person sitting on the street corner.

The next time you see TMZ or one of those other “entertainment” news programs on the TV…change the channel…maybe to something more educational like PBS…I mean for Gosh darn sakes Sesame Street is fighting to stay on the air while droves of mindless sheep are flocking to their televisions to keep up with the Kardashians…this just makes no sense to me.   

Come on people…this really shouldn’t even be an issue…smarten up…stop being a puppet…take back control of your own strings and tell the puppet master to go fly a kite… and let’s make this world a better place.

So will you be able to resist the temptation…will you be able to forget the junk and direct your attention on more pressing and important issues… enquiring minds want to know…like me!

MJM

“Dysfunctional Dictionary Volume 1”

"Constipate"

When someone starts talking a lot of crap you tell them to constipate, which basically means shut the hole in your face.

I almost got arrested when I told the cop who pulled me over to constipate, after he started asking me if I knew how fast I was going...I told him obviously not fast enough because he still caught me.


“Jalopy /Hooptie”
An old, beat up car that is falling apart and normally held together by
duct tape, plastic bags and bungee cords...other noticeable signs would be the
muffler dragging on the ground, rust throughout and/or a make shift antenna made from
a wire coat hanger.

My family was so attached to their Jalopy/Hooptie that they never got
rid of them; instead they put them on cinder blocks and kept them in
the front yard of our house...the white-trash version of garden gnomes.

"Robin' Hood"

A hood that robs from anyone and gives to the liquor store and/or local drug dealer.

My family was full of Robin' Hoods! They would wait until we were sleeping or out of the house then steal our money so they could go get their buzz on.

"Fathers Day"

A day where you honor the many fathers in your life...that is if you can find them. Around our neck of the woods this day is called fathers day...not father's day...for obvious reasons.

Fathers day was always a nightmare at my house, we never knew if we should break the bank and buy something for all four of our fathers, or if we should just pick our favorite.

"Happy Hour"

When you're broke and trying to get your drunk on, you search the
house for anything containing alcohol and you drink it down.

When I was younger I used to hate happy hour at my house, my uncles
would be in the bathroom for an hour or so, then come out smelling
really good and with really fresh breathe and drunk off their butts.
Come to find out they drank all the mouth wash, aftershave and night
time cold medicine. They would always tell me that those products weren't meant to drink, then why did they come with shot glasses!

"Alcoholics Anonymous"

A meeting for alcoholics where they come together and discuss their problems and try to figure out why they're an alcoholic. They receive support and guidance from others, who try to help them overcome this addiction (or as some call it a disease). These are the same people who weren't too worried about being anonymous when they're down at the local bar screaming and yelling and causing a ruckus. Why is it you can act the fool in public, but need to be anonymous when you're trying to get help...one would think it would be the other way around?

My druncles and alcoholaunts would go to their alcoholics’ anonymous meetings to satisfy their probation officers requirments, and then on the way home they would stop at the bar and get their drunk on.

"Repo Man"

Kind of like Santa Clause for poor people, except he comes all year round and takes your stuff instead of leaving you presents.

We saw the repo man more times than we saw Santa Clause growing up, so we would leave him milk and cookies.

"Brown Bagging"

Concealing an alcoholic beverage in a brown paper bag, with the delusion that nobody knows what you're drinking.

My druncle, a brown bagger when it came to lunch, however his didn't consist of a sandwich, dessert and a juice box.

“Fire In The Hole”

Basically feeling as if you’re pooping lava!

I always have regrets after eating spicy food, because after is all said and done I feel like I got butt banged by a lit candle. I once had fire in the hole so bad that I took a frozen tampon and stuck it up my hole.

“Chew & Screw aka Eat’em & Beat’em”

Going to a restaurant, ordering food, eating it and then not having any money to pay for it. After the meal, and when the bill comes, you make a mad dash for the door with the hopes of not getting caught.

My druncles were the kings of the chew & screw. Most of the time their bail was more than their meal, so I don't really get it, but I guess in their minds, if they spent their money on food they wouldn't have any left for alcohol.

"F.R.I.E.N.D."

An acronym for Fictional Relationships with Inanimate Electronic Nonhuman Devices... basically anyone whose only friends are made up of people they have never met in person and only know and interact with them through some sort of electronic means.

Power outages are very lonely times when all the people you know are F.R.I.E.N.D.s...it’s sad to know that the hand shake and smile has been replaced by the words “online now” or "thumbs up".

“Basketball Check”

A check you write when you have no funds in your bank account and the ultimate outcome is it bouncing like a basketball. Picture it, the check (basketball) being passed to the payee (dribbled) and coming back to you with an extra fee (penalty).

My family wrote many basketball checks during my childhood, with the hopes that it would buy us just a little more time with our utilities, rent and just about any other bill before they were shutoff and/or we started being hounded by mr. bill collector. Who the H E double hockey sticks wants to cook Ramen Noodles with a candle!

"European American"

Basically, another word for white, cracker, etc..

All the other races have cool descriptions like African American, Native American and so on and so fourth...so why can't us white people have a cool description too? When I fill out an application and it asks race, I always check other and write in European American. I want to know what it feels like to be a minority without going through all hate crimes, job rejections and police profiling!

"Scamsel In Distress"

A female who acts helpless whenever a male is around...fooling him into doing her bidding. Basically reverse fishing, using the "seafood" as the bait to catch the "worm"!

I have a "friend" who always gets suckered in to the scamsel in distress scam, I....errr oops I mean he is always doing things for all these woman with the hopes of getting some super freak action later...but he never does...how sad.

MJM

“My Sister, the Redneck?”

My sister is transforming, but not into something cool like a vampire or werewolf, (and for the record, I don’t consider the Twilight vampires/werewolves to be real vampires/werewolves, so for all you little girls reading this and hoping for a story about sparkling vampires and/or muscle bound werewolves just keep on moving because there’s nothing here to see) she is transforming into a redneck.

We are full-blooded Yankees, we think the Confederate flag is stupid, we believe Texas is called the “Lone Star State” because the first person there happen to be a reviewer and that’s what he rated it and we believe that any politician who has Bush for a last name is a complete imbecile…well at least I thought we were.

When I found out she watched NASCAR I couldn’t believe it, us Northerners don’t watch NASCAR it’s sacrilegious. We also don’t like the Dallas Cowboys but that’s exactly where I see this thing going, so I need to fix this with a quickness.


What is a concerned brother to do? Now I know vampires don’t like crosses and holy water but what does a redneck not like, should I show her some dentures and maybe throw some bathwater on her, would that work?

Now I’m not hating on rednecks, to each their own, but we just don’t do NASCAR! It would be just like a member of the Klu Klux Klan going to a Jay Z concert, it just isn’t right…or safe. She’ll never be able to go North of the Mason-Dixon again, she’ll be stuck in the South forever. During our next Civil War (this time over guns) she’ll be stuck down here with all the gun toting crazies who think life is a cartoon and they are Yosemite Sam.

I know some of you may think, “NASCAR what’s the big deal”, but NASCAR is the gateway redneck drug. First NASCAR then next thing you know she’s wearing overalls and trying to date her brother, who hopefully will not be me. No more “yous guys” now she’ll be saying things such as “y’all” and “yee haw”, how sad and very unfortunate.


I guess I could always just disown her and pretend I don’t know her but realistically what would that solve? I need to figure something out, I need to find a way to exorcise this redneck demon, El Diablo John Deere if you will. I could wrap her in an American flag and beat her with a cannoli or some New York style pizza but then I’ll get locked up and she’ll just go more redneck because the COPS cameras will be there rolling.

I’m lost, I don’t know what to do. I’m just praying to the Northern Jesus that she’ll come around. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

MJM