“Florida”

Florida, the state of false advertising and low IQs, if it was a celebrity it would be Anna Nicole Smith…the alive version of course.

Palm trees, beautiful beaches and gorgeous women in bikinis, only in postcards, because it’s more like horrible drivers, die-hard Republican rednecks and fat people fighting over the last piece of chicken fried steak on the buffet.

Florida is so bad that the South won’t even claim it, they were for slavery back in the day, even willing to go to war over it, but when it comes to laying claim to the state they want no part of it.

I could totally see the rest of the country wearing a T-shirt which reads, “We’re with Stupid” with an arrow pointing down to Florida.

The only thing smaller than IQs down here is the amount of teeth these hillbilly bitches have in their mouth, thinking about it, too bad their IQs don’t match their waist size, because if it did this would be a state full of geniuses.

Most people don’t know this, but Florida is actually an acronym, it stands for “Fat Lazy Opinionated Redneck Ignorant Dumb Asses”, and trust me if you’ve ever lived here you would know this to be the truth.

The people are all dicks down here, which I guess is fitting, considering that the state itself looks like a giant dick.

The weather is so freaking hot down here, on most days it feels as if you’re nestled nicely in Satan’s ass crack, and on other days, it’s so hot it feels as if your skin is melting right off the bone, you’re walking around looking like the Toxic Avenger.

There are also more frivolous lawsuits down here than any other place I’ve ever been to; it’s almost as if it’s a sport, a crazy competition to rack up the most dough by suing the as many people as possible…let’s make a deal scammers edition.

The people, the laws and the politics all run backwards down here, it is as if someone is constantly pressing the rewind button on the remote, making it feel as if we’re stuck in some insane time warp that won’t let us move past the prehistoric times.

The people down here also have their own language, it is like nothing I have ever heard before, and honestly hurts my ears (and head) just listening to it, kind of sounds like a cross between Corky (Life Goes On) and Mushmouth (Fat Albert) with a Southern twang.

There’s more crazy old people down here than at Denny’s during the early bird special, all jacked up on caffeine and as senile as ever, and lucky us, they all have a license to drive.

Who knows maybe I’m being too hard on Florida, but being down here makes me feel as if I’m in some sort of commonsense coma with my only life-support system being a mouse on exercise wheel, and the mouse just happens to be Pinky (Pinky and the Brain).

I know what you’re thinking, if it’s really all that bad why don’t I just move, well honestly I’m too lazy and the overall cost of living isn’t really all that bad down here.

So there you have it, why Florida sucks ass and why I’m choosing to stay down here and embrace the misery.

MJM