“Miley Cyrus”

Forget Britney, leave Miley alone!

The more you idiots pay attention to her for doing the crap she’s doing, the more she will continue to do it, each time trying to outdo the time before.

I’m not knocking her for it because that is what Hollywood is all about, the more people are talking about you the better, and it doesn't matter whether it’s positive or negative either.

So for all you numskulls out there, who think your bitching is hurting her (or her sales) think again, every time you open your fuckbox you are depositing more money into her piggy bank…cha ching.

If you really want to blame anyone for her actions, if you feel you are so entitled to, then blame “her daddy” mister Achy Breaky Heart himself, Billy Ray Cyrus.

He’s the one who said it was okay to throw a blonde wig on her and put her in front of the people to entertain them when she was younger, like as if she was a trained circus monkey.

Do you know what the real problem is here, you rejects are just upset because you hoped Miley would raise your kids; teach them to do well, to stay in school and to respect their parents.

And now that she’s acting like any normal kid would in her situation, don’t believe me well then check out the track record for the many other Hollywood child stars, you get all bent out of shape and want to crucify her.

News flash geniuses, the person you saw portrayed on the Hannah Montana television show/movies wasn't real, just a character that was created by a team of writers and producers for your entertainment.

Get it, the “Miley Cyrus” character wasn't real, it wasn't an accurate depiction of who she was as a person, she was made up, she was fictitious, she was about as real as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.

Just because the main character shared her namesake, didn't mean it was autobiographical, it was all make believe just like everything else is on television, and the sooner you folks realize that the better off we’ll all be.

So stop hating on the girl for twerking with Robin Thicke at the VMAs, riding on a wrecking ball naked and for letting her tongue hang out like as if she was Gene Simmons from Kiss, and start loving your kids and raise them to know right from wrong from your example, not from the actions of a character created by man.

Stop looking for parenting substitutes, there aren't any, you’re the one who had the kid, not the television set or any other inanimate object for that matter, so do what is necessary to be a parent. 

  

The next time you feel the need to hate on Miley Cyrus (or anyone else), squash it and go hug your kids instead, trust me when all is said and done it will mean more to them then you realize.

This story has two morals, one of which is to raise your own kids and stop depending on Hollywood to do so, and the other, it is not Cyrus who is acting like a fool, it is you for feeding into it and fueling the fire.

MJM

“Tail”

Men (and lesbians) want to tap it, make it clap and in their eyes the bigger the better, and of course I’m talking about the female booty, the caboose, the junk in the trunk, you get the picture.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy when a chick has back just as much as the next man, but I was just wondering what the appeal was, why are we blindly (and of course I don’t mean literally) drawn to it like a mouse is to cheese.

Speaking of which, some of these buns could also find us in a trap, so just like the mouse we must be careful when sniffing out the “cheese”, like the great poet Sir Mix-A-Lot said, “That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung”…sprung, like as in a mousetrap, get it.

Anyway…

I mean think about it, they are the garbage disposals of the human body, all the crap (pardon the pun) our bodies don’t want it gets rid of. I know to some freaky bastards out there that may be hawt and sexy, but to me that’s just plain old nasty.

But even with that knowledge I still can’t avoid the female backside, I’m drawn to it like as if it was a refrigerator and I was a magnet, it calls to me like the television in Poltergeist and I was Carol Anne.

I try to refrain, I try not to stare at it, which is not an easy task by any means and sometimes I have to pretend it’s a solar eclipse just to keep from staring directly at it.

This doesn't always work though, but I must say that it does help if the chick with the thick juicy booty steak is with some crazy looking muscle bound ‘roid head, that kind of kills some of the temptation, if you know what I mean.

I don’t know, I can’t tell you why I want to squeeze them all like as if I was an old woman in the grocery store looking for a fresh loaf of bread, but when I see a fine one common sense goes out the window and my sex drive switches to autopilot.

When it comes to hot chick booty I can sniff it out like as if I was a bloodhound, the kiester doesn't even need to be in the same vicinity as me and I can sense it, like as if I was Spider-man and it got my spider sense tingling…and some other areas tingling too, huh huh.

Female derriere is like a quarter on the train tracks, it can derail me with a quickness, no matter what I was doing before it came into my line of vision it all comes to a halt, the only thing that matters is that gluteus maximus and how good it looks.

I’m as lost as a kid on the back of a milk carton, I don’t know why I’m hypnotized by the booty and why when it grabs hold of me it won’t let go, but I must say they are the best thing since sliced cake.

So keep being bootylicious all you fine females out there, and please forgive me, and all my male counterparts for staring at your rump like as if we were dying of thirst and it was a bottle of water.

Share those beautiful bums, those fantastic fannies and those heavenly heinies, we really appreciate it, and will just about do anything you ask for a piece of that tail. 

The End (get it...the end, we're talking about butts...oh nevermind)

MJM

“Who I Admire”

I don’t like to say “idol” because I don’t idolize anyone, but there are certain people that I admire and really appreciate and respect what they've accomplished in their professional careers. With me being a writer, and attempting my hand at humor, the people I admire the most are master in their respective fields, at least as far as I’m concerned anyway.

The first person I would like to acknowledge would be the late great George Carlin. This man was a pure comedic genius, and wasn't afraid to speak his mind and call it the way it was, no matter who he offended. He was a master wordsmith and a very clever man; he made you think for the funny, he didn't just hand it to you.

The next person I would like to acknowledge would be the King of all Media, Howard Stern. He set out to conquer his world, and that is exactly what he did, he took on all pretenders to the thrown and beat them down like Rodney King. Just like Carlin he was never afraid to speak his mind and tell people like it was, no matter who liked it and/or if it would land him in hot water for doing so.

The final person I would like to acknowledge is the ringmaster Jerry Springer. This man is an amazing puppet master; he really knows the strings to pull to get people all riled up and ready to hit a bitch with a chair. Call him a whack job, or even a fraud, but the bottom line is that he brought in ratings and made him, and his show, a household name.

I admire these people because they weren't afraid to go against the grain, they weren't afraid to think outside the box and take what was consider the “norm” and throw it out the window, without ever looking back and/or the fear of repercussions. They were all masters in the respective fields and they change the game for all players, they set the standard.

Now I know some people may say these three individuals are grotesque and/or vulgar and/or a blemish on this world, but you know what, they knew what the people wanted and they gave it to them…gift wrapped with a pretty bow on top. You may not like them, but you know who they are and what they’re about, I would say that makes them a success…wouldn't you.

I hope to one day be as good, well actually better, than these three individuals. I want to be the person that everyone loves to hate, the person who changes the game to meet his needs and when all is said and done I want to be the person that all others want to be like.

MJM

“_______ Made Them Do It”

Feel free to fill in the blank as you feel fit, blame whomever and/or whatever you want when someone does something stupid and/or wrong, as long as it keeps the blame off of who it rightfully belongs on, which is the person themselves and/or the parents depending on the overall situation.

Was it the music they listened to, was it the video games they played or was it the devil himself who caused them to act the fool and shoot up a school or blow up a building full of innocent people?

It had to be something other than their own minds and evil desires because we all know they wouldn't have done that without some kind of outside influence, it’s just not possible…at least that’s what we tell ourselves.

People find it difficult to believe that there are crazy individuals with corrupt minds who walk amongst us, who would do something heinous regardless of what they listened to and/or watched on television?

Is it because we view ourselves as the superior species on this planet, we are on the top of the pyramid and everything else is beneath us, so there is no way we could do things of a horrendous nature without something/one in our ear telling us to do it?

Is it just a way to comfort ourselves, like a baby blanket and/or pacifier was for a kid during a bad thunderstorm, to make us believe that there is no evil in this world, that everything and everyone is good and wholesome with no bad intentions and/or thoughts of wrong doing?

I’m sure someone like James Holmes would still have shot up the movie theater that night in Aurora, Colorado, even if he only watched Veggie Tales movies and listened to Mozart, the freak was just a mental case of dynamite that was just waiting to explode on us normal people.

Parents didn't hug them enough, they listened to a record backwards, the show they watched on television glorified and/or promoted violence/rape, this list of excuses can go on and on but the bottom-line is blaming someone/thing else doesn't solve anything, just hinders the solution.

Now I’m not saying there aren't legitimate cases of people doing things due to an outside influence, whether it is good or bad, but I refuse to believe that every time something negative happens that it’s the fault of someone/thing else, it’s just not possible.

Stop pointing the finger, stop looking for a scapegoat, we will never correct the issues at hand if we don’t face them head on and do what’s necessary to correct them. We will never advance as a civilization if we don’t, it’s a matter of life and death here people, so get with the program.

It’s unfortunate for sure, but the reality of it is that we do have living and breathing screwballs blending in with the masses pretending to be one of us, who want nothing more than to cause havoc and ruin our lives, to think otherwise would be utterly foolish and ultimately dangerous.

So until we figure all this out, and start placing the blame where it belongs, I say we forget banning guns and allow everyone to carry a piece like as if it was the Wild West. Sure this gives the crazies a weapon, but it also gives us regular people one too, so we will have a fighting chance against the freaks.

If the people handing out the firearms thought for a second that the recipient was off their rocker, a few eggs short of a dozen or not the sharpest knife in the drawer, as a precaution they could give them one of those gag guns that when fired just shoots out a flag that read “bang”.

Of course judging a book by its cover isn't always the best way to go about things, so if they accidentally gave one of those gag guns to the wrong person and they lost in a duel to a whack job because of it, we could just consider it taking one for the team.

MJM

Chris Rock said it best...

“Stereo(typical) Life”

Think how crazy this world would be if stereotypes actually represented the majority instead of the minority, we would be in for one hell of a ride. This place would be like a giant circus, forget the ozone layer, we have the big top.

If all blondes had huge silicone weapons of mass distraction and were as dumb as a box of rocks, getting laid and finding a floatation device in the case of a water landing would be as easy as 1 2 3. Life would be full of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee/Kid Rock kind of relationships, and honestly I wouldn’t mind one bit being the ugly one.

Think how much fun areas like Compton and Harlem would be if all African Americans could dance like nobody's business, these places wouldn’t be scary anymore, they would be like a Michael Jackson video on a constant loop. Instead of gunfire and sirens you would hear the boom of ghetto blasters and the phrase, “you got served” every second of the day. The only bad thing about these areas would be the shortage of ribs, chicken and watermelon.

What if all Mexicans were really in this country illegally and here to steal our jobs, think how much fun that would be for employers, forget about firing the bastards when they didn’t do their jobs, just call Immigration and have their asses deported…boo ya! You would also never have to worry about them asking for a raise either, minimum wage, below minimum wage or even paying them in tacos, it doesn’t matter because who would they complain to.

All those pesky gays, out for your children and your pecker, well maybe we should just castrate them all, that would solve everything…right?  These bastards want to nail anything that stands up to pee, all us straight men should walk around with chastity belts on to help protect our balloon knots from hostile meat darts, we need to keep them intact people.     

What if all the Republicans really were gun totting, death penalty for everyone, sleep with their sister rednecks, would we really be comfortable voting for them and having them be the face of our country? Would we have to keep an eye on the American flag, because if not we could one day see it disappear and replaced by the Rebel flag?   

What if all the Jewish people out there really where penny pinching cheap asses who would rather die than part with a dollar, would society be like the Titanic, with all the Jews in first class being escorted to the lifeboats when the ship is sinking while the rest of us our locked down below? Would the ever so popular and extremely fun kids play thing known as the top be replaced by the dreidel?

What if people from the Middle Eastern were all terrorists? Would you be afraid to piss them off because you would never really know if that day they were sporting their bomb belts or just their regular belt they picked up at Walmart, or maybe they just had enough and were ready to end it all so they could have their seven virgins and treated as royalty in heaven.  

What if all Asians were master martial artists, computer geniuses and math was as easy as “pi” to them; would we all want one in our crew, especially when we were in school? Bully and algebra wouldn’t bother us at all, hey punk, one plus one is two fists in your face fool.
 
What if all us white people…hmmm well…I guess we do fit our stereotypes to a T, man we’re lame. We can’t dance, we’re tight asses and of course we are “the man” that everyone keeps talking about. Dang it man, why couldn’t I have been born a minority…stupid white parents!

Stereotypes are hilarious, and anyone who actually believes them is even funnier. Come one people, wake up and smell the crap that is being spewed by all these hateful pricks and stop spreading this nonsense around like as if it was butter.

MJM

“F.A.G.S.”

I don’t believe the word “fags” is a derogatory term, I truly believe it is an acronym for “Fabulous And Gorgeous Superstars”. Think about it, the majority of gays you come across are just that, they are fabulous and gorgeous superstars, they shine bright and are ever so proud of who they are.

It is very rare that you see a gay man looking like he just came from Walmart and is now heading home to the trailer park where him and his “roommate” are feeding their ten bastard children on hotdogs the government paid for which are being cooked on a car engine that is laying on the front lawn…not hating, just saying.

I know some of you would say they are not proud of who they are, that if they were they wouldn’t be hiding out in their “closets” pretending to be something they’re not. My answer to that would be, the only reason they hide out in those so-called “closets” is because there’s way too many crazy hateful fuckshits out there that would beat them up just for being who they are.

Needless to say them hiding their true selves is not because they are ashamed of who they are, but rather because they don’t want to end up as a redneck piñata just because they are different…and not into their sisters.

Once the people find a new group of people to hate on, for no apparent reason, then there will be no reason for gays to be concerned about coming out…they will be out like Anthony Weiner’s wiener. Until that day however, they have to keep their identities hidden like Superman, well more like Wonder Woman, but without the female body parts…but of course with all her sexual urges, oh no I di'int.

There are a few other things that I find funny when it comes to hating on gays, things that don’t really make any sense to me, but oh well, who am I.

First, I find it odd when people say, “I don’t mind gays, as long as they don’t shove it in my face”, and this just amuses me beyond belief. Mainly because I know most gays wouldn’t shove “it” in your face if you were the last man on Earth (oh snap).

I think most of the people who say things like that have tendencies, and not necessarily of the gay kind either, they have whack job, serial killer and asshat tendencies just to name a few. So the next time you hear someone say something like that you better run for cover, because you just never know. 

  

I also find it funny when some people say it gross that they give it to each other up/down (I say up/down because it all depends on who’s doing the ramming and if they are on top or on the bottom) the kiester, that’s just grodie they say, but the first thing they do when they’re alone with their significant other behind closed doors is ask for anal…jealous perhaps.

Of course they get denied, like an applicant seeking a loan with poor credit, so they get angry and in some cases even embarrassed, so who better to take that frustration out on than the professionals. They’re mad that gay guys don’t mind pooper poking, and they feel if they can’t have it than no one should. 

Lastly, I can’t stand people who use religion as a weapon, who try to use it to back up their hating hearts and make themselves feel justified for their evil ways. Like for example, when they say, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”.

That just sounds so stupid and ignorant, and my response back has to be just as childish and immature, so I say, “God also made fruits and vegetables, not burgers and fries, so get your fat ass out of here before I beat you down with a wiffleball bat”…too much?  

This piece was written to show all you homophobes out there how stupid you sound and how ridiculous you look when you hate on gays and this is coming from a straight man, believe it or not.

They don’t tell you how to use the hammer in your toolshed, so don’t tell them how to organize the clothes in their closet. Live and let live people, stop hating on what, and who, you don’t understand and start treating each other like you would want to be treated.

MJM

“Lice Lice Baby”

Unfortunately I had those little buggers before; when I was younger of course, now I keep my hair shorter than a butch lesbian and keep all the Walmart shoppers away with a stick…of deodorant that is.Needless to say it was very uncomfortable and not really all that enjoyable, I walked around with my hands up in my head as if I was constantly lathering with some kind of invisible shampoo.

They used my head as party central, and they tore it up like some drunken teens on Spring break. They were zooming around my head like as if they were Jeff Gordon and my head was the Daytona 500. I felt like a mobile high-rise apartment building, with my head being the penthouse, and there were more residences up there than rednecks at an NRA convention.

It was very embarrassing to say the least, especially when I was called into the school nurse’s office to have my head checked.She was sifting through my hair like as if she was a hunter, in rubber gloves and armed with a comb, searching for her prey, the infamous lice bug.

She found what she was looking for and called my parents to come pick me up so they could take me home to try to exterminate the bugs. When my parents finally got there, I was escorted out the back door like I was some kind of celebrity, trying to beat the crowd out of the gates.

My parents tried many ways to get rid of the little bastards. One way was drenching my head in pure kerosene, and since they were smokers they did it with a lit cigarette dangling from their lips. So there I sat in the tub, buck-naked with a head full of kerosene and one ash away from being Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial, needless to say it wasn't fun.

The whole time I had that stuff on my head I was fearful it would drip into my eyes forever blinding me, turning me into a highly combustible Helen Keller.

Thankfully that didn't happen; everything went off without a hitch, or so we thought. We later found out that kerosene only killed the adult bugs, and didn't do jack squat to the eggs.

Like in the Alien movies, if the space marines only killed the adults and let the eggs live, they would find themselves wearing a facehugger and giving birth to a bastard alien baby in no time flat, making all their cleanup efforts for naught. The same is true for lice, well except for the bastard alien baby thingy, as far as I know that won’t happen. 

If not treated correctly these creepy critters won’t go away, like Bebe’s kids, they don’t die, they multiply. So a few weeks later we found ourselves right back in the same situation, but this time my parents tried some over-the-counter lice treatment and spoke to the professionals before proceeding…which in this case was other parents who experienced the same thing.

We did the shampoo, washed every possible thing in the house we could, and dug in each other’s heads with a comb looking for eggs like a pack of gorillas cleaning each other. This time it seemed to work better, they seemed to be gone and killed dead, we were as happy as African Americans the day they heard O.J. was not guilty.

It was a rough time for sure, and I’m glad it’s over with, but I can tell you for sure if I ever get lice again I’m going completely bald like Moby.

MJM

“If You Write It, They Will Come”

Okay it’s hump day and since I’m not humping, I figured I would write a blog, not really an equal trade-off but oh well, you have to take the good with the bad.

Now I didn't really have anything in mind, nothing too clever and/or enlightening happening in this dome of mine, so I went looking for inspiration. I decided to take a look at the keywords that brought people to my blog; I wanted to know what it was they were looking for that made them find me.

I was thinking I would find words/phrases that were sophisticated, that sounded like something you would hear at a Mensa meeting, things that would make me smile and say yuppers I’m one smart cookie for writing that.

Although to my surprise that wasn't the case, people were seeking all sorts of crazy nonsense; things like “fat men with boobs” and “monkeys dirty asshole” just to name a few. After seeing that my ego quickly went flat like a tire with a nail in it, and I realized I was more of the class clown rather than the teacher’s pet.

I even saw things like “hot naked women in dresses” and thought to myself, if these hot women were in dresses than they’re not really naked…right? I’m was lost, is my audience as dumb as a box of rocks, or just so horny that they can’t think straight.

People also searched “white girls with big round asses”, "wedgie" and “hot cosplay chicks”, now searches like this I can understand, and as a matter of fact it may have even been me who searched it. What can I say, sometimes a man has to take matters into his own hands **huh huh**.

I didn't need a pair of glasses; because I could clearly see that not many mature individuals were reading what I was laying down. I can say for sure that you wouldn't find any parents reading my blogs to their children as bedtime stories.

I should probably have it where my readers could print out a dunce cap, all they would have to do is cut along the dotted lines and slap some glue on that mutha to assemble, of course they would have to use safety scissors and “crazy” glue because I wouldn't want anyone to stab themselves in the forehead.

This information made me question what I was doing, was I keeping myself from becoming a success and hindering my intellectual growth? Forget the “man”, was I keeping myself down, keeping myself from being all I could be like the army.

Should I change who I am, should I conform to the so-called norm and climb into that proverbial box that so many people seem to reside in? Would I gain more readers and/or would I be more respected if I did, could I even be passed off as mainstream if I took the safe politically correct route?

I quickly came to my sense and smacked myself in the back of the head for thinking that crap. I don’t want to be like everybody else, I’m not trying to be your clone, I’m trying to be your superior. I enjoy writing things that don’t make sense; things that make people laugh and forget about their everyday stresses, things that aren’t all that involved and all smarty tarty.

So to anyone who found my blog by searching some random nonsense, you’re the bomb diggity, and don’t let any tight-ass mofo tell you any differently. Be proud to be off your rocker, embrace the laughter and keep humor alive.

To all the some beaches who don’t comprehend this shiz, well too bad, I’m not changing for anyone and I’m staying insane in the membrane.

(Actual keyword(s)/phrases searched that brought people to my site) 

MJM

“Cigarettes”

I’m not trying to knock anyone who smokes cigarettes, because I know for gosh darn sakes there are things that I do that gross people out and that aren’t really all that good for me, so for me to call someone else out would be very hypocritical and I’m not about that.

This piece is really just to question why, why do you smokers smoke, what’s the appeal? To me when I see someone smoking it looks like a cancer bomb about to go off, with the cigarette being the fuse. I just don’t understand with everything we know about these harmful little bastards why someone would consciously choose to fire one up.

I never smoked; I’m an L 7 (which means square to all you unhip people out there) so I never had the pleasure, or displeasure, of having one of those little smoking sticks hanging out from between my lips like as if I was sucking on a lollipop.

So I wonder, what is the appeal, do they really calm your nerves like some people say, do they taste “smooth” as the advertiser claim and/or does having one of those fiery sticks clutched in your hand make you look cool and all Fonzy like?

What made you decide to smoke, was it all the hype and/or peer pressure, the cartoon characters “pushing” them on you or was it just for something to do because you were bored? Maybe it was even something underhanded, like the big tobacco companies paying people off to smoke their product.

Are they like a pro wrestler who has you in an emotional bear hug? A girlfriend/boyfriend you love that you just couldn’t see your life without them and even if they did leave, you would stalk them like crazy, restraining order or not? Are they that addictive, would you ever suck a cocker spaniel for one if you were broke?

I find it crazy that people are running around blaming “big tobacco” for them smoking, that’s just as nutty as fat people blaming McDonald’s for them being fat. Stop pointing the finger people and put the blame where it belongs, which by the way, is on yourself.

These things seem like they are very powerful, a really hard habit to kick, at least from what I’ve witnessed from the sidelines. I mean there are patches/pills, electronic cigarettes and even support groups to beat this personal demon.

That just blows my mind, because I’m an overeater, and I’m not saying dieting isn’t hard, but I have never thought about wearing a pizza patch and/or eating an electronic cheeseburger.  Now don’t go me wrong, a pizza patch sound de-lic-ious, but only if there’s no anchovies.

Also, those antismoking commercials are gross, disturbing, and should only be shown to smokers and people who are considering it. Nonsmokers, who know better than to smoke, shouldn’t have to endure that sickness.

Cigarettes should come in case where every time the smoker pulls out a cigarette it would play one of those commercials, we know they have the technology to pull it off, so why not.

I don’t want to be in the middle of dinner, watching Miley twerking on stage, and have one of them come on. I would lose my appetite with quickness and probably never be able to eat a triple bacon french fry cheese burger again without those images popping in my head again.

With all the health risks, and not just to you but also to people around you, and the chunk it takes out of your wallet, why keep doing it? What is it about cigarettes that keep you smokers coming back, why can’t you just throw them in the air and say muth humper I’m done and walk away without looking back?
MJM

“You're So Rude; I'll Bet You Think This Blog is About You”

I can’t stand rude people, they drive me nuts, and I have wanted to introduce the bastards to the backside of my hand on more than one occasion. The only reason I haven’t is because I know that more than half of these crazies are packing heat and they’re not afraid to use it, with each slap I would be playing Russian roulette with my life, and I’m not having that.

What happened to this world, why are people so inconsiderate and nasty nowadays? Is it really because we don’t allow parents to beat their kid’s asses anymore; is it true that if you spare the rod you spoil the child? If that is what the problem is, then I say let the parents take the restraints off and start kicking some serious kid ass.

There should be some kind of law on the books where these kumquats would get a fine and/or even an overnight stay in jail, depending on the severity of the infraction, for being disrespectful and/or discourteous in public. If not that, then at least something that will keep them in check, make them think before acting.

Honestly I don’t even like to go outside anymore, because it seems where ever I step I run into one of these freaks, and dealing with them makes me want to pop their head like a pimple. If I knew I wouldn’t get into trouble, I would carry a wiffleball bat around with me and whenever someone stepped out of line I would beat them down like as if they were a piñata and we were at a Mexican celebration.

We have a rude epidemic on our hands, and we need to quarantine it before it gets any worse. What we should do is build a giant Walmart in every state, send out invitations to the grand opening to all these rude bitches, and once they’re all inside lock the doors and throw away the key, it would be like a prison for the rude.

You know what else we need, someone like Batman, but instead of him patrolling the streets and fighting crime, he could be patrolling the people and kicking the ass of anyone who is rude and/or obnoxious. Knowing he’s out there would be like a scared straight program for all these jack wagons, they would think twice before walking into someone and not saying excuse me and/or not holding the door for someone who is right behind them.

I tried to live by the motto, “when in Rome, do as the Romans do” but I couldn’t bring myself to be such an anushole, it just didn’t come easy to me, I guess it’s because my mother raised me better than that. I don’t know what to do, I’m at a loss, do I just ignore it and go about my business as usual or do I go all ape crap on these fools and risk landing myself in the joint or possibly even killed dead?

We all know it’s not going to change for the better anytime soon, so I’m just going to have to suck it up and let these fuckshits continue to be who they are, and not let it get the best of me. So I will continue to bite my lip and not say a word, just do my best to avoid these nitwits as much as possible.

MJM

“Farts”

They are funny as hell; they smell like poop and if done correctly they can really clear a room, so what’s not to love about them? Why do these little gassy guys get so much slack, it’s not like we all don’t do them and/or enjoy when they slip out between the cheeks…whether we admit it or not.

Who doesn’t like a good fart, when there is an awkward silence in the room because no one really knows what to say, they are a great way to break the ice and to get people talking again…and laughing if done right. Also, when you’re in the tub, there’s nothing like a stincuzzi…am I right.

I know some of you tight-butt people out there in cyberspace, and no I’m not talking about the people who have done the Buns of Steel videos, but rather the people who are afraid to laugh at what is funny about this world, will claim they don’t find them funny and/or entertaining…but we all know you’re lying.

God made them the way they are because he wanted us to laugh at them, they are here to amuse us, and of course to dispel the gas out of our bodies, but more so to amuse us. So with that said, why not enjoy them for what they are, why act like there is something wrong with them?

Farts are our friends people, and the sooner you realize this and embrace them with open arms, just not open mouths because no one wants to eat a fart, the better off we’ll be. Unclench those glutes and let the boys out to play, fart and fart proudly…and for you ladies out there, don’t try to quiet the queefs either, because they are funny too.

To be fair though I must also talk about the bad side to farts too, now of course the negatives don’t surmount all the positives, but unfortunately they are not perfect and they have their flaws. For the record, the negative side to farts is normally with the one who dealt it, not the fart itself.

Farts aren’t all just shits and giggles; sometimes they can be dangerous too, at least as far as the farter is concerned. For example, one may feel as if they just have to fart so they go through the motions ready to release the beast, only to find out that innocent fart was actually the beginning of a turd (aka shart).  

Now while this is embarrassing to the farter, and guaranteed to leave skid marks in their draws, it quite hilarious to the rest of us. Sure we may have to wait until they stop crying before laughing at them, but the wait is so worth it, and watching them walk away with mud butt trying to keep their booty tightly closed to avoid any additional shit streaking is freaking  hilarious.

Another fart related issue would be the SBDF (silent but deadly fart), only because people will squeeze these smelly bastards out and never warn anyone, and will hit you like a sucker punch. These farts sneak up to any unsuspecting nose and fill it with stink, they are like the ninja of the fart world, and depending on the deliverers diet these farts may just knock you right on your ass.

Finally we have the lighting on one’s fart, turning something so beautiful into a tool of destruction, a raunchy smelling blowtorch. This makes absolutely no sense to me, but to each their own, I would be lying though if I didn’t admit to secretly wishing their ass inhaled instead of exhaled and sucked the fire into the hole, burning their colon and singing their pride. If it did they would think twice about doing it again, ruining a perfectly good fart, you bastards should be ashamed of yourselves.

Well that’s about all the negative I can see when it comes to farts, so needless to say they rock and should be enjoyed to the fullest. Even the names that go along with the deed are great, they are called things like butt-burps, cutting the cheese, the mouse on a motorcycle, the shit splits, breaking wind and of course busting ass just to name a few. Seriously, does it get any better?

Keep on laughing…keep on farting…and stop being such a tight-butt.

MJM

“The First Encounter of the Pussycat and Weiner Dog”

They say everyone remembers their first time, and I would have to agree with that, but not because it was magical and/or made the Earth stand still like in the movies, but rather because it was the most awkwardly enjoyable moment of our lives.  

By “first time”, I am mean the first time your woo hoo dilly went into another person’s orifice, or if you’re a chick (or a gay male) the first time your orifice went over and around another person’s woo hoo dilly…the poppage of one’s cherry if you would.

I know some men who are reading this, who suffer from that macho jock locker room crap, won’t admit to being clueless their first time. They will claim they hit it like a caveman while they moved like Jagger, but I can assure you that their partners would recollect things a whole lot differently.

Now me, I’m not ashamed to admit it, I didn’t know what I was doing then and honestly still not really sure what I’m doing now. I would have loved to have a copy of, “Doing it for Dummies” available for my first time, it would have made things so much easier, and a whole lot less embarrassing.

I was as lost as Dan Quayle trying to spell potato, I thought back to all the pornos I watched and tried to emulate the pros, but the woman I was with didn’t really like it when I started barking orders at her and calling her a female dog.

She gave me this look like as if she was Linda Blair in the Exorcist and I was the priest, and as a result of this I quickly backpedaled and started groveling like any man who was in my position would…and for the record, that position was me standing there buck-naked, feeling light headed because every ounce of blood in my body was in my Woody Woodpecker.

I was like a hotrod with no wheels; I was all revved up and had nowhere to go, so I did what had to be done. Thankfully though, the woman I was with knew that I was a noob, and gave me a second chance to make things right.

After feeling like it was safe to go back into the water I moved in for the kill, my harpoon (well actually it is more like a dart, but who’s keeping score) aimed at the target and ready to strike. Unfortunately though I missed my intended target and hit the hole next door.

The woman I was with flew straight up in the air, clutching her cheeks firmly, kind of like a cartoon character who just sat in the fire…needless to say it wasn’t a good way to restart things. When she finally came down she scolded me, told me to watch where I was sticking things and to be more careful…I had flashbacks of when I was a kid getting into trouble.

I was now two strikes down, one more and I would be ending the evening banging my own drum, so this time before moving in I said a quick prayer, ate my vitamins, and moved slowly towards her like as if I was a crook trying to sneak through a house at night.

I was now in position and ready to make my move, I was overly cautious because I didn’t want to mess up again. I went for the bullseye yet again, and thankfully hit dead center, so now I had to figure out what to do next.

I started thrusting back and forth, alternating speeds because I wasn’t really sure which way to go, fast or slow…how is one supposed to know these things. I didn’t know whether to hit it like a jackhammer, or nice and slow like molasses on a cold day, no one ever told me.

I kept looking at her face, trying to decipher if she liked what was happening or if she would have rather been somewhere else altogether, but I couldn’t make heads or tails of things because she had this look at her face like she just smelled a really nasty fart…I had no idea if that was good or bad.

Now after about an hour and a half (really it was three minutes) I was ready to “unpack my bags”, but I wasn’t really sure if I was to leave them at the door and wait for the manager to tell me to bring them in, or if I was just to feel free to go in and “unpack”.

I was so confused and scared that I just grabbed my junk and hopped off the bed and ran out of the room crying, but considering that I forgot to pay her she chased after me and kicked my ass and stole my wallet.   

I spent more time trying to figure out if I was doing it right and if she was being satisfied, more than I enjoyed it myself; it went from being a pleasurable experience to feeling as if I was taking a timed test.

Since that day I swore off sex completely, it was more trouble than it was worth. I am now a born again virgin and permanently riding the celibate bus. I now stick to safe sex, which is giving myself a hand job while watching the top performers in the adult entertainment world go at it like rabbits.

MJM

“Waking Alice”

Remember bands like Nickelback, Seether and Creed, well me either, that is not since Waking Alice hit the airwaves. These guys are the real deal; they will pop your eardrums and leave you smiling the whole time.

Please welcome my very special guest to The Insane Asylum...Waking Alice!

Waking Alice is…

Rus Chaney- vocals

Brandon Brewer- guitars, backing vocals

Brayton Bourque- bass

John Levey - drums

MJM – currently trying out for the band **fingers crossed**…I play a mean triangle

(The band members names are color coded so you can tell who answered what)

I recently sat down with the band, virtually of course, and had a mature and well-mannered talk with them…and here’s what they had to say.

1. What bands/artists were you’re inspiration?

The classics like Led Zeppelin and Queen and a lot of progressive rock bands like Rush, Yes, and Porcupine Tree. The current bands like Avenged Sevenfold, The Darkness, Coheed and Cambria, and any of these newer bands that have a ton of energy and musicianship.

2. Are you guys really friends, or do you secretly hate each other and plan on breaking up once you make it big, like so many bands before you?

That’s a good question. I would say that yes…we are friends for the most part. That being said…if we were to get famous I would replace them all with the girls from Robert Palmers music videos.

These guys have become great friends, who else will laugh at my dark sense of humor but Brandon? My wife just states at me in horror and shakes her head whenever I tell her what I'm laughing about...

3. Would you ever do a remake of a Milli Vanilli song, and if so what song?

Of course. We would do Blame It On the Rain

4. What song(s) would you Vanilla Ice (steal) if you had the chance?

I think he would steal our song “Biggest Lie”….because that’s what his entire career has been.

5. If you could meet any other band in an “Outsiders” style rumble, who would it be and why?

Nickleback. They seem like douchbags and they represented the beginning of the end of hard rock music.

6. What are your favorite song(s)?

Led Zeppelins The Rain Song, Porcupine Tree’s Arriving Somewhere But Not Here, Queens Flash Gordon Theme

"What it is to Burn" by Finch, "I Love Your Blood" by The Vanished, and "Walk" by Foo Fighters

7. Are you doing the music thing for the money, fame or woman (or men if you go that way)?

If we are doing it for fame or chicks….we are failing miserably. So let’s just say we want to make a statement in the local scene.

8. How did the band come about?

It just sort of came together overnight…and by overnight I mean over the better part of ten years with different band members and names.

9. If you happen to be a one hit wonder, which song would you want to be that one hit?

Biggest Lie. Because Vanilla Ice stole it and there was a huge lawsuit…

10. Who writes the music?

Generally…I (Brandon) bring in the main riffs and progressions then we put it all together. Primarily Rus handles most of the lyric writing.

11. When you make it big what’s the first thing you’re going to buy with your money?

I would take that money and pay off all of the things I had been buying already….slowly dig my way out of debt. Then…repeat.

12. Who would you like to do a collaboration with…and please don’t say Lil Wayne?

I would like for us to do a collaboration with any new country artist….then we could get people to our shows in Texas.

13. What do you think of emo bands…would you beat them up if you could?

Some are ok. Some make me want to set myself on fire. I wouldn’t beat them up though….mainly because….what if I lose???

14. Where did the name “Waking Alice” come from?

A good friend and former band member named Ben Johnson called me several years ago and said…how about Waking Alice for the name. I goggled it and no one had it. So we ran with it.

15. For those about to rock…would you salute them?

Always…Fire!

16. Does “Waking Alice” rock it like a hurricane or bang their head, because metal health has driven them mad?

We are much more likely to rock you like a hurricane….

17. Which bands would you like to tour with?

Porcupine Tree, Coheed and Cambria, Periphery

Foo Fighters, Sick Puppies, Shinedown... They are bands I like and think they'd be cool to hang out with. There are some Dallas bands I wouldn't mind tearing up a hotel room or two with either...

18. What do you think of the current state of music?

It is what it is. There are a lot of talented bands coming up over the last year or so. It’s not great…but it’s better than it has been for the last 10 years.

Brandon answered it well. To add to that, locally I think it's great as well. Things have really picked up in Dallas over the last year and bands are pulling together and supporting each other more. It's good to see the scene reviving after a few years where it seemed to be on its deathbed.

19. Do you wish TRL was still on the air so you could hang with Carson Daly?

Yes…oh wait. You said hang with….sorry…misread that.

20. What do you think about shows like “American Idol” and “The Voice”?

They aren’t my cup of tea. I hate that they are so popular when these people that watch these shows have talented people right in their own back yards. Most of those talent shows are dumbed down for the lowest common denominator. It’s easier to be told what to like than to go out and find something special and make a connection to it.

I won't lie. My wife and I watch The Voice and X Factor. I have 2 major issues with them... 1.) Rock is nonexistent in these shows, a guy with a bit of a growl is called a "rocker" but he'd be laughed at in a rock scene... 2.) Kids look at these and think this is how it's done. That's wrong. Buy an instrument, find some friends and start a band. You may suck at first, but keep at it and make something. Be original and work for it. Taking the shortcut just kills credibility and proves you aren't really in it for the music...

See how kick ass these fellas are? They did this for you, so now it’s your turn to return the favor, click on the links below, show them some love and buy (don’t steal, at least not until they’re rich and famous) their music.

http://www.wakingalice.com/- website

www.wakingalice.com/wakingalicetx- Reverb Nation

https://www.facebook.com/WakingAlice- Facebook

Follow them on Twitter @wakingaliceband

This has been a special presentation of the “Insane Asylum”…where you hear it first…or is that MTV?!

MJM