“Blow Job”

Don’t get me wrong, I love women just as much as the next red-blooded American straight male with his junk intact, but sometimes they drive me nuts, and by nuts I mean freaking bang your head against the wall bonkers.

We men are not perfect, far from it, but you women should come with a disclaimer which reads something like, "Free Sex” in big bold letters, and then the fine print would read, with purchase of ring, car, etc. and must have a high tolerance for bitching…not hating, just saying.

There have been many times where I’ve considered swearing off women altogether, at least the living ones, and I’m not contemplating necrophilia here so get your mind out of the gutter you sick freaks, but maybe checking into purchasing one of those blowup women.

And when I say blowup, of course I don't mean with explosives, I'm talking about with air, you know giving them a blow job if you will.

You have issues with a rubber woman there is no "I'm sorry" times infinity, no bouquets of flowers and/or fine jewelry (depending on how bad you screwed up), just a can of fix-a-flat and a bike pump is all you need.

You don't have to spend any money on them to get them to put out, when you're ready to go you won't ever get shot down by the infamous "headache" line and best of all there is nothing off limits when it comes to banging the gong, if you catch my drift.

You want a threesome, a foursome or even a fivesome, no problem, just pick up a few more inflatable friends and you’re good to go.

You could even pick up a blowup man doll if you wanted to see what it would be like to be gay, just in case you were “curious”, and with all participants being airheads (no offense blondes) you would never have to worry about your bedroom shenanigans getting out to all your buddies and being made fun of.   

When all is said and done you can just shove her in the closet or any other out of the way place, leaving the whole bed to yourself with no one to steal the covers and/or complain what you watch on the boob tube to go to sleep to.

I would definitely recommend deflating and running her through the dishwasher at least once a week or so, otherwise you’re left with a big sticky mess on your hands, and who wants that.

Does this piece come off as sexiest, or possibly even a little crazy, I’m sure it does but what can I say, when it comes to women I love the sex but all the other stuff I can do without.

I’m sure that you women, if honest, would admit that if there was an artificial man doll thingy with none of our gross traits that you despise and all of the good stuff that you love, you would jump on him (no pun intended) in a heartbeat.

Sex toys bring all the joys and none of the hassles, so save your time, money and sanity and pick up a blowup doll, things would be a lot less stressful if everyone heeded the words.

MJM