“Car Insurance...a Necessary Evil”

Buying car insurance...what a joke…an evil cruel joke.

I can't believe the questions these companies ask...and the fact that they are legally allowed to ask them is even more absurd and mind numbing. What difference does it make what my credit looks like, whether or not I'm singled and/or married, or even if I'm in school or not...you're not dating me, you're just insuring me...I really felt as if I was filling out an application for one of those online dating sites instead of purchasing car insurance.

I can't believe how much this crap costs...some of these companies wanted upwards of five hundred dollars a month to insure me...now I know Flo has to get her hair and makeup done, the gecko has to eat and State Farm needs the money to fund their anti-internet campaign (bonjour) but this is ridiculous. I say can the caveman...fire Flo...step on the gecko...and the general needs to be court-martialed...I would rather see stick figures selling the insurance and the monthly premiums drastically drop, rather than have all these flashy, funny and clever sales pitches.

Also, why can't I get my money back if I don't have any accidents while I'm insured with your company, okay maybe not all of it back, but at least half...I don't think that's asking too much. It's not like they have to do anything for my money, unless of course I have a claim, so realistically I'm just paying them in case something happens. This is like when mob takes money from small businesses to "protect" them, so I guess what I'm saying is insurance companies are the modern day mafia.

God forbid you do have to file a claim...even after paying them all that money...they treat you like as if you were their child who they walked out on years ago, and now you've come back looking for the support and love that's owed to you....they are basically deadbeat dads...and I don't know about you, but I think these bastards should be paying child support.

Car insurance companies...and necessary evil we can't avoid...unfortunately we are at their mercy and we can do nothing about it...we just have to grin and bear it.

MJM

“Making the Best of a Shitty Situation”

This story is not for the easily offended, but for the easily amused, so if you have a good sense of humor and don’t get easily offended by bad words and a little bit of “toilet” humor then sit right back and enjoy the show.

Now if you happen to be one of those tight-ass individuals who takes everything seriously, and who is afraid to crack a smile, then you may want to move along because there is nothing here for you to see.

This is an actual conversation I had with my girlfriend the other night, believe it or not this is what passes for normal conversation in our house, and no, our house is not the psychiatric ward at Bellevue…but in all honesty it’s not far from it.

Before I get to the conversation, I have to let you know what lead up to it so you can better understand what was going on, and so that you can know that we aren’t totally out of our minds.

My stomach was hurting, for reasons I don’t know, but it was hurting, and hurting bad.

It kind of felt like someone dropped kicked me in my breadbasket, with cleats on, and that “someone” just happened to be of the larger variety, if they were a candy bar they would be the king size…if you catch my drift.

As a result of this pain I had to keep running to the bathroom, and a couple of times I just barely made it.

Sometimes it felt as if I was running a relay race, but instead of being handed a baton, I was handed a fresh new roll of toilet paper, 2 ply of course because I wouldn’t have it any other way.

There was a few times during my shitscapades where I almost filled my Batman underroos with some warm chocolate corn pudding, not a nice feeling at all, as I’m sure you can imagine.

As soon as I sat down on the pot my ass would fire off a vicious shot, one that sounded like a canon going off, and if anything just happened to be in the way of the blast, all I can about that, is may God have mercy on your soul.

When all was said and done it looked as if I blow up one of those M&M guys in the toilet, a candy coated crime scene…call in CSI: Mars!

There were chocolate and peanut chunks everywhere, and it definitely smelt as if killed something too, sorry Yellow or Red, whoever it was who made the sacrifice.

After a while it hurt to sit down.

I was experiencing some serious fire in the hole; it felt as if someone shoved a lit candle up my ass, and twisted it like a screwdriver.

As the evening went on my anus started getting worn out, it was hanging out my backside like Snuffleupagus’ trunk, and it was just as sad.

It eventually came to be bed time, and I wasn’t really sure what to expect considering how my evening was going.

I warned my girlfriend before getting into bed that I may just “shit” on her during the night, but if I did it wasn’t my fault and couldn’t be held accountable, it was something that was completely outside of my control. 

She of course freaked out, you know how chicks are, and said, “If I shit on her it will be the last time we sleep together”!

I proceeded to tell her that if I did indeed shit on her it wouldn’t have been on purpose, I had no way to control my ass muscles while I was sleeping, so something may just shoot out.

She didn’t really care for that explanation either and told me, “To ask my friends if they would like to be shit on, and how would they feel if they were”.

My response was, “I don’t really know, maybe something of them are freaky like that and would enjoy it, but trust me, if I did happen to shit on you it wouldn’t be of a sexual nature”.

As you could expect that didn’t really go over all that well with her either, so needless to say she sent me out on to the couch, where if I did bust ass in my sleep there would be no innocent causalities.

I eventually fell asleep, and thankfully no one was shit on, so we continue to sleep together…at least for now.

MJM

“Kardashian, Honey Boo Boo Child, Lohan, etc.”

This isn’t some sort of secret code…you do not need a secret decoder ring to read this…this is a list of people who I can’t believe we are talking about…who we are keeping in the public eye…who we are making feel more important than they really are.

Now of course this is just a partial list, a lot more names belong on it…but for the sake of not writing a blog as thick as a phonebook…and giving these nobodies more attention than they deserve... I’ve decided to go with the condensed version.

Why do we care about these people…are our lives that mundane and meaningless that we spend our time and energy on this garbage. As a society…do we really not have anything better to do…with all that is happening in the world nowadays...I think we all know the answer to that one.

You know when a kid acts up…makes a scene…you’re told to ignore them and sooner or later they’ll stop because they’re just looking for attention…well that’s the same with these fools. Stop paying attention to them…stop feeding the fire…focus your attention on things that really matter and not this trivial nonsense.


So the next time you’re in line at the grocery store…and you see one of those supermarket tabloids on the shelf…leave it there…use the money you would have wasted on that trash and donate it or better yet, give it to the homeless person sitting on the street corner.

The next time you see TMZ or one of those other “entertainment” news programs on the TV…change the channel…maybe to something more educational like PBS…I mean for Gosh darn sakes Sesame Street is fighting to stay on the air while droves of mindless sheep are flocking to their televisions to keep up with the Kardashians…this just makes no sense to me.   

Come on people…this really shouldn’t even be an issue…smarten up…stop being a puppet…take back control of your own strings and tell the puppet master to go fly a kite… and let’s make this world a better place.

So will you be able to resist the temptation…will you be able to forget the junk and direct your attention on more pressing and important issues… enquiring minds want to know…like me!

MJM

“Dysfunctional Dictionary Volume 1”

"Constipate"

When someone starts talking a lot of crap you tell them to constipate, which basically means shut the hole in your face.

I almost got arrested when I told the cop who pulled me over to constipate, after he started asking me if I knew how fast I was going...I told him obviously not fast enough because he still caught me.


“Jalopy /Hooptie”
An old, beat up car that is falling apart and normally held together by
duct tape, plastic bags and bungee cords...other noticeable signs would be the
muffler dragging on the ground, rust throughout and/or a make shift antenna made from
a wire coat hanger.

My family was so attached to their Jalopy/Hooptie that they never got
rid of them; instead they put them on cinder blocks and kept them in
the front yard of our house...the white-trash version of garden gnomes.

"Robin' Hood"

A hood that robs from anyone and gives to the liquor store and/or local drug dealer.

My family was full of Robin' Hoods! They would wait until we were sleeping or out of the house then steal our money so they could go get their buzz on.

"Fathers Day"

A day where you honor the many fathers in your life...that is if you can find them. Around our neck of the woods this day is called fathers day...not father's day...for obvious reasons.

Fathers day was always a nightmare at my house, we never knew if we should break the bank and buy something for all four of our fathers, or if we should just pick our favorite.

"Happy Hour"

When you're broke and trying to get your drunk on, you search the
house for anything containing alcohol and you drink it down.

When I was younger I used to hate happy hour at my house, my uncles
would be in the bathroom for an hour or so, then come out smelling
really good and with really fresh breathe and drunk off their butts.
Come to find out they drank all the mouth wash, aftershave and night
time cold medicine. They would always tell me that those products weren't meant to drink, then why did they come with shot glasses!

"Alcoholics Anonymous"

A meeting for alcoholics where they come together and discuss their problems and try to figure out why they're an alcoholic. They receive support and guidance from others, who try to help them overcome this addiction (or as some call it a disease). These are the same people who weren't too worried about being anonymous when they're down at the local bar screaming and yelling and causing a ruckus. Why is it you can act the fool in public, but need to be anonymous when you're trying to get help...one would think it would be the other way around?

My druncles and alcoholaunts would go to their alcoholics’ anonymous meetings to satisfy their probation officers requirments, and then on the way home they would stop at the bar and get their drunk on.

"Repo Man"

Kind of like Santa Clause for poor people, except he comes all year round and takes your stuff instead of leaving you presents.

We saw the repo man more times than we saw Santa Clause growing up, so we would leave him milk and cookies.

"Brown Bagging"

Concealing an alcoholic beverage in a brown paper bag, with the delusion that nobody knows what you're drinking.

My druncle, a brown bagger when it came to lunch, however his didn't consist of a sandwich, dessert and a juice box.

“Fire In The Hole”

Basically feeling as if you’re pooping lava!

I always have regrets after eating spicy food, because after is all said and done I feel like I got butt banged by a lit candle. I once had fire in the hole so bad that I took a frozen tampon and stuck it up my hole.

“Chew & Screw aka Eat’em & Beat’em”

Going to a restaurant, ordering food, eating it and then not having any money to pay for it. After the meal, and when the bill comes, you make a mad dash for the door with the hopes of not getting caught.

My druncles were the kings of the chew & screw. Most of the time their bail was more than their meal, so I don't really get it, but I guess in their minds, if they spent their money on food they wouldn't have any left for alcohol.

"F.R.I.E.N.D."

An acronym for Fictional Relationships with Inanimate Electronic Nonhuman Devices... basically anyone whose only friends are made up of people they have never met in person and only know and interact with them through some sort of electronic means.

Power outages are very lonely times when all the people you know are F.R.I.E.N.D.s...it’s sad to know that the hand shake and smile has been replaced by the words “online now” or "thumbs up".

“Basketball Check”

A check you write when you have no funds in your bank account and the ultimate outcome is it bouncing like a basketball. Picture it, the check (basketball) being passed to the payee (dribbled) and coming back to you with an extra fee (penalty).

My family wrote many basketball checks during my childhood, with the hopes that it would buy us just a little more time with our utilities, rent and just about any other bill before they were shutoff and/or we started being hounded by mr. bill collector. Who the H E double hockey sticks wants to cook Ramen Noodles with a candle!

"European American"

Basically, another word for white, cracker, etc..

All the other races have cool descriptions like African American, Native American and so on and so fourth...so why can't us white people have a cool description too? When I fill out an application and it asks race, I always check other and write in European American. I want to know what it feels like to be a minority without going through all hate crimes, job rejections and police profiling!

"Scamsel In Distress"

A female who acts helpless whenever a male is around...fooling him into doing her bidding. Basically reverse fishing, using the "seafood" as the bait to catch the "worm"!

I have a "friend" who always gets suckered in to the scamsel in distress scam, I....errr oops I mean he is always doing things for all these woman with the hopes of getting some super freak action later...but he never does...how sad.

MJM

“My Sister, the Redneck?”

My sister is transforming, but not into something cool like a vampire or werewolf, (and for the record, I don’t consider the Twilight vampires/werewolves to be real vampires/werewolves, so for all you little girls reading this and hoping for a story about sparkling vampires and/or muscle bound werewolves just keep on moving because there’s nothing here to see) she is transforming into a redneck.

We are full-blooded Yankees, we think the Confederate flag is stupid, we believe Texas is called the “Lone Star State” because the first person there happen to be a reviewer and that’s what he rated it and we believe that any politician who has Bush for a last name is a complete imbecile…well at least I thought we were.

When I found out she watched NASCAR I couldn’t believe it, us Northerners don’t watch NASCAR it’s sacrilegious. We also don’t like the Dallas Cowboys but that’s exactly where I see this thing going, so I need to fix this with a quickness.


What is a concerned brother to do? Now I know vampires don’t like crosses and holy water but what does a redneck not like, should I show her some dentures and maybe throw some bathwater on her, would that work?

Now I’m not hating on rednecks, to each their own, but we just don’t do NASCAR! It would be just like a member of the Klu Klux Klan going to a Jay Z concert, it just isn’t right…or safe. She’ll never be able to go North of the Mason-Dixon again, she’ll be stuck in the South forever. During our next Civil War (this time over guns) she’ll be stuck down here with all the gun toting crazies who think life is a cartoon and they are Yosemite Sam.

I know some of you may think, “NASCAR what’s the big deal”, but NASCAR is the gateway redneck drug. First NASCAR then next thing you know she’s wearing overalls and trying to date her brother, who hopefully will not be me. No more “yous guys” now she’ll be saying things such as “y’all” and “yee haw”, how sad and very unfortunate.


I guess I could always just disown her and pretend I don’t know her but realistically what would that solve? I need to figure something out, I need to find a way to exorcise this redneck demon, El Diablo John Deere if you will. I could wrap her in an American flag and beat her with a cannoli or some New York style pizza but then I’ll get locked up and she’ll just go more redneck because the COPS cameras will be there rolling.

I’m lost, I don’t know what to do. I’m just praying to the Northern Jesus that she’ll come around. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

MJM

 

“My Big Fat Dysfunctional Family”

What can I say, my family was just as dysfunctional as the next. We were like COPS, Jerry Springer and Dynasty all rolled up into one. While other families tried to pretend they were the Beavers, my family had no problem letting people know we were the Bundy’s and no I don’t mean Ted’s family, I mean the ever lovable family from Married with Children…although thinking back we did have some family members that probably could have been one of Ted’s siblings.

My mother, heart of gold, would do anything for anyone no questions asked. During her younger days she was one real bad mamma jamma, she was knocking bitches out with frying pans like as if she was on Tom and Jerry. She was a master manipulator, she could tell someone to go the hell in such a way that they were looking forward to the trip. She was using the Force long before Obi Wan Kenobi came on the scene.

My mother is a fighter, a real survivor. Sure she’s had her ups and downs, but who hasn’t. Honestly her biggest problem was the men she chose to be with it, and I use the term “men” loosely. She’s just like Elizabeth Taylor in style, class and marriages. I like to say that Father’s Day around our place is a real pain in the donkey because we have so many dads to buy for one could go broke just shopping for them.

She was with some real losers (to put it nicely), now I don’t believe God makes mistakes when he creates someone but he must have been under the influence when he made these guys, either that or he’s pulling one of those hidden camera gags on her. There have been many pretenders to the king’s throne throughout our lifetime but only one queen, and that’s my mother.

My mother’s siblings were also a piece of work, we had our aunts who when they were younger were actually pretty normal, it wasn’t until they got older and went all Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on us. One of my aunts, who we’ll just call Scamerella (here's her theme song) and no her name wasn’t changed to protect the innocent, but to protect my wallet because she is far from innocent but she will sue you like nobody’s  business.

She a major pothead, she puts Bob Marley to shame. This nut job smokes more trees than a forest fire. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not against marijuana I personally think it should be legalized, but when it consumes your life and dictates everything you do then there’s a problem.

She will also sue you as quick as look at you, she’s part of the reason the rest of us can’t get insurance without breaking the bank. Honestly I’m afraid to walk down a narrow hallway with her, I’m fearful if I accidentally bump into her she’ll sue me. 

What can I say about my uncles, they always keep things interesting. It wasn’t a (white-trash) party until they showed up, especially my druncles Jack and Jim or as I like to call them Jack (Daniels) and Jim (Beam) because they were twins, both bad alcoholics and with Jack Daniels and Jim Beam both being an alcoholic beverage it just felt right.

These two were great guys with a heart of gold, just like my mother, that is when they were sober but when they got their drunk on they put the “fun” in dysfunctional.  My druncle Jack (Daniels) was actually a pretty mellow drunk, but Jim (Beam) on the other hand, he was a professional troublemaker and badass (liquid courage) when the alcohol was flowing. He is best known for the old chew and screw, which is where you order a bunch of food and drink then try to run out on the tab.

Well this is just a little sneak peek into my dysfunctional world, there’s much…much more…but I didn’t want to scare my readers away so I’m saving it for another time. All things considered though, as crazy as things were I wouldn’t change it for anything, because it made me the person I am today.

MJM


 

“Men Who Cosplay...on the Next MJM”

When guys do it, it’s creepy and sad, on the other hand though, when chicks do it, it’s sexy and hot, well that is unless the chick is shaped like the Kool-Aid man then she fits in with the guys.

When a chick dresses up as her favorite video game character or superhero it’s attractive, but when a dude busts out in some green tights and pointy ears claiming to be Link (Zelda), it’s just depressing...and scary.

I hope to God that these guys are doing this with the hopes of picking up chicks and not really pretending to be these people, because that’s just crazy. Now I’m not trying to crap in anyone’s toybox here, but the whole pretending to be someone else phase should have passed right around the time you found out Santa wasn’t real…not hating, just saying.  

Oh yeah, you dudes who like to wear makeup and dress in all black, I got news for you, you’re just playing dress up too. This is just another example of something the woman can do that guys can’t, so just deal with it and move on. You’re not scary and considering that there are a whole bunch of you butt turds walking around you’re not an individual and/or a rebel either, again not hating, just saying.

I don’t care if you’re a wannabe vampire, one of those so-called goth/emo people and/or even one of those insane clown posse followers, you’re just nuts. If you really want to wear makeup that’s fine, just go ask your mom for some pointers, because believe it or not there are more colors than just black and white, some of which may actually help with that milky white complexion of yours.

You guys just need to learn to talk to women, trust me they’ll appreciate a nice conversation with a well-dressed man more than they will speaking with someone who is dressed up like a Klingon speaking in some insane made-up language. Sure, you may come across a woman who finds it cute and adorable at first, but with time she will get annoyed and if you don’t knock it the frack off you will find all your action figures (aka dolls) in the microwave.

Okay men, and I use that term loosely, you need stop playing dress up and just appreciate the chicks who are just like the rest of us men...and lesbians.

There is nothing wrong with being a fan of a particular band, superhero, video game, etc. but you don’t need to revolve your life around it. Remember, these people get paid lots of money to do these things, you on the other hand, just look like a complete fool.

Now if it’s Halloween (or maybe even a convention) then have at it, let your freak flag fly high and proud, otherwise stay in doors with all that nonsense.

MJM