“My Own Sayings/Expressions/Words”

I am out of my mind, which goes without saying, at least it does for me and the voices in my head.

I say a lot of odd and crazy things, but when you think about it, they are really not all that odd but rather a newer prospective on older sayings/expressions.

Think about it people, there are a lot of outdated sayings/ expressions that we use on a regular basis that do not make sense and/or are a little outdated.

For example the saying, “Best thing since sliced bread”, sure sliced bread is great, especially when you want to make a sandwich and/or you only have a really dull cutting knife and an uncut loaf of bread, but by no means do I think it’s the “best” thing…at least not when it comes to doughy confections it isn't.

The saying should be changed to, “The best thing since sliced cake”, am I right. What is better than a moist delicious frosted cake that is pre-cut and ready to be devoured, I mean this is a fat person’s wet dream, trust me I know this first hand.

Next up would be an expression that I just made up, and it is “What the poop on a burrito”.

I use this one when something bad unexpectedly happens and offsets something good and/or something we were looking forward to, like going to a theme park and it starts raining once you hit the front gate.

Think about it, you’re dreaming of a big beautiful burrito being delivered to your table, sour cream, guacamole and all the fixings, but then with your mouth watering  in anticipation it finally comes and there is a pile of poop on it, wouldn't that be a total buzz kill. 

  

Now I’m sure some people would be happy eating crap, some of the crazy bitches with those weird fetishes, but for me that would be a no-no.

I know what you’re thinking what’s the difference, because that burrito is going to take the first exit off of the body interstate and come out as poop anyway, so what’s the big deal, but trust me it is a big deal.

Sure it may burn the hole while coming out, but going in it would be pure heaven, and like our government has taught us many times before, why worry about something now when you can just wait until later to worry about it.

Another expression I use a lot, and if you don’t believe me just ask my girlfriend, is “You got told”.

This is another way of saying in your face, but without having to go through all the lifting of hands and junk, perfect for lazy people and/or amputees.

You have to say this one with a little gusto though, like back when we were kids and another kid got put in their place on the playground and we would say, “Ooooh burn” just to rub a little salt into the wound…remember.

This one is not all that effective if you don’t say it with some effort; it just wouldn’t be the same thing if you whispered it into someone’s ear, know what I’m saying.

Now for the word, granted I didn’t make this one up, but I do use it in a completely new context, and the word is “Constipate”.

When someone is talking a lot of crap, you know when an abundance of shit is coming out of their face hole, tell them bitches to constipate, which basically means to STFU.

Constipation may not be a good thing when it’s affecting the other end, but when nothing more than malarkey is coming out of their head, then constipation is totally a good thing and will give you some peace and quiet.

Well there’s just a few of my random insanities, feel free to share them, use them and adjust them accordingly depending on your current situation.

MJM

“Miley Cyrus”

Forget Britney, leave Miley alone!

The more you idiots pay attention to her for doing the crap she’s doing, the more she will continue to do it, each time trying to outdo the time before.

I’m not knocking her for it because that is what Hollywood is all about, the more people are talking about you the better, and it doesn't matter whether it’s positive or negative either.

So for all you numskulls out there, who think your bitching is hurting her (or her sales) think again, every time you open your fuckbox you are depositing more money into her piggy bank…cha ching.

If you really want to blame anyone for her actions, if you feel you are so entitled to, then blame “her daddy” mister Achy Breaky Heart himself, Billy Ray Cyrus.

He’s the one who said it was okay to throw a blonde wig on her and put her in front of the people to entertain them when she was younger, like as if she was a trained circus monkey.

Do you know what the real problem is here, you rejects are just upset because you hoped Miley would raise your kids; teach them to do well, to stay in school and to respect their parents.

And now that she’s acting like any normal kid would in her situation, don’t believe me well then check out the track record for the many other Hollywood child stars, you get all bent out of shape and want to crucify her.

News flash geniuses, the person you saw portrayed on the Hannah Montana television show/movies wasn't real, just a character that was created by a team of writers and producers for your entertainment.

Get it, the “Miley Cyrus” character wasn't real, it wasn't an accurate depiction of who she was as a person, she was made up, she was fictitious, she was about as real as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.

Just because the main character shared her namesake, didn't mean it was autobiographical, it was all make believe just like everything else is on television, and the sooner you folks realize that the better off we’ll all be.

So stop hating on the girl for twerking with Robin Thicke at the VMAs, riding on a wrecking ball naked and for letting her tongue hang out like as if she was Gene Simmons from Kiss, and start loving your kids and raise them to know right from wrong from your example, not from the actions of a character created by man.

Stop looking for parenting substitutes, there aren't any, you’re the one who had the kid, not the television set or any other inanimate object for that matter, so do what is necessary to be a parent. 

  

The next time you feel the need to hate on Miley Cyrus (or anyone else), squash it and go hug your kids instead, trust me when all is said and done it will mean more to them then you realize.

This story has two morals, one of which is to raise your own kids and stop depending on Hollywood to do so, and the other, it is not Cyrus who is acting like a fool, it is you for feeding into it and fueling the fire.

MJM

“Tail”

Men (and lesbians) want to tap it, make it clap and in their eyes the bigger the better, and of course I’m talking about the female booty, the caboose, the junk in the trunk, you get the picture.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy when a chick has back just as much as the next man, but I was just wondering what the appeal was, why are we blindly (and of course I don’t mean literally) drawn to it like a mouse is to cheese.

Speaking of which, some of these buns could also find us in a trap, so just like the mouse we must be careful when sniffing out the “cheese”, like the great poet Sir Mix-A-Lot said, “That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung”…sprung, like as in a mousetrap, get it.

Anyway…

I mean think about it, they are the garbage disposals of the human body, all the crap (pardon the pun) our bodies don’t want it gets rid of. I know to some freaky bastards out there that may be hawt and sexy, but to me that’s just plain old nasty.

But even with that knowledge I still can’t avoid the female backside, I’m drawn to it like as if it was a refrigerator and I was a magnet, it calls to me like the television in Poltergeist and I was Carol Anne.

I try to refrain, I try not to stare at it, which is not an easy task by any means and sometimes I have to pretend it’s a solar eclipse just to keep from staring directly at it.

This doesn't always work though, but I must say that it does help if the chick with the thick juicy booty steak is with some crazy looking muscle bound ‘roid head, that kind of kills some of the temptation, if you know what I mean.

I don’t know, I can’t tell you why I want to squeeze them all like as if I was an old woman in the grocery store looking for a fresh loaf of bread, but when I see a fine one common sense goes out the window and my sex drive switches to autopilot.

When it comes to hot chick booty I can sniff it out like as if I was a bloodhound, the kiester doesn't even need to be in the same vicinity as me and I can sense it, like as if I was Spider-man and it got my spider sense tingling…and some other areas tingling too, huh huh.

Female derriere is like a quarter on the train tracks, it can derail me with a quickness, no matter what I was doing before it came into my line of vision it all comes to a halt, the only thing that matters is that gluteus maximus and how good it looks.

I’m as lost as a kid on the back of a milk carton, I don’t know why I’m hypnotized by the booty and why when it grabs hold of me it won’t let go, but I must say they are the best thing since sliced cake.

So keep being bootylicious all you fine females out there, and please forgive me, and all my male counterparts for staring at your rump like as if we were dying of thirst and it was a bottle of water.

Share those beautiful bums, those fantastic fannies and those heavenly heinies, we really appreciate it, and will just about do anything you ask for a piece of that tail. 

The End (get it...the end, we're talking about butts...oh nevermind)

MJM

“Who I Admire”

I don’t like to say “idol” because I don’t idolize anyone, but there are certain people that I admire and really appreciate and respect what they've accomplished in their professional careers. With me being a writer, and attempting my hand at humor, the people I admire the most are master in their respective fields, at least as far as I’m concerned anyway.

The first person I would like to acknowledge would be the late great George Carlin. This man was a pure comedic genius, and wasn't afraid to speak his mind and call it the way it was, no matter who he offended. He was a master wordsmith and a very clever man; he made you think for the funny, he didn't just hand it to you.

The next person I would like to acknowledge would be the King of all Media, Howard Stern. He set out to conquer his world, and that is exactly what he did, he took on all pretenders to the thrown and beat them down like Rodney King. Just like Carlin he was never afraid to speak his mind and tell people like it was, no matter who liked it and/or if it would land him in hot water for doing so.

The final person I would like to acknowledge is the ringmaster Jerry Springer. This man is an amazing puppet master; he really knows the strings to pull to get people all riled up and ready to hit a bitch with a chair. Call him a whack job, or even a fraud, but the bottom line is that he brought in ratings and made him, and his show, a household name.

I admire these people because they weren't afraid to go against the grain, they weren't afraid to think outside the box and take what was consider the “norm” and throw it out the window, without ever looking back and/or the fear of repercussions. They were all masters in the respective fields and they change the game for all players, they set the standard.

Now I know some people may say these three individuals are grotesque and/or vulgar and/or a blemish on this world, but you know what, they knew what the people wanted and they gave it to them…gift wrapped with a pretty bow on top. You may not like them, but you know who they are and what they’re about, I would say that makes them a success…wouldn't you.

I hope to one day be as good, well actually better, than these three individuals. I want to be the person that everyone loves to hate, the person who changes the game to meet his needs and when all is said and done I want to be the person that all others want to be like.

MJM

“_______ Made Them Do It”

Feel free to fill in the blank as you feel fit, blame whomever and/or whatever you want when someone does something stupid and/or wrong, as long as it keeps the blame off of who it rightfully belongs on, which is the person themselves and/or the parents depending on the overall situation.

Was it the music they listened to, was it the video games they played or was it the devil himself who caused them to act the fool and shoot up a school or blow up a building full of innocent people?

It had to be something other than their own minds and evil desires because we all know they wouldn't have done that without some kind of outside influence, it’s just not possible…at least that’s what we tell ourselves.

People find it difficult to believe that there are crazy individuals with corrupt minds who walk amongst us, who would do something heinous regardless of what they listened to and/or watched on television?

Is it because we view ourselves as the superior species on this planet, we are on the top of the pyramid and everything else is beneath us, so there is no way we could do things of a horrendous nature without something/one in our ear telling us to do it?

Is it just a way to comfort ourselves, like a baby blanket and/or pacifier was for a kid during a bad thunderstorm, to make us believe that there is no evil in this world, that everything and everyone is good and wholesome with no bad intentions and/or thoughts of wrong doing?

I’m sure someone like James Holmes would still have shot up the movie theater that night in Aurora, Colorado, even if he only watched Veggie Tales movies and listened to Mozart, the freak was just a mental case of dynamite that was just waiting to explode on us normal people.

Parents didn't hug them enough, they listened to a record backwards, the show they watched on television glorified and/or promoted violence/rape, this list of excuses can go on and on but the bottom-line is blaming someone/thing else doesn't solve anything, just hinders the solution.

Now I’m not saying there aren't legitimate cases of people doing things due to an outside influence, whether it is good or bad, but I refuse to believe that every time something negative happens that it’s the fault of someone/thing else, it’s just not possible.

Stop pointing the finger, stop looking for a scapegoat, we will never correct the issues at hand if we don’t face them head on and do what’s necessary to correct them. We will never advance as a civilization if we don’t, it’s a matter of life and death here people, so get with the program.

It’s unfortunate for sure, but the reality of it is that we do have living and breathing screwballs blending in with the masses pretending to be one of us, who want nothing more than to cause havoc and ruin our lives, to think otherwise would be utterly foolish and ultimately dangerous.

So until we figure all this out, and start placing the blame where it belongs, I say we forget banning guns and allow everyone to carry a piece like as if it was the Wild West. Sure this gives the crazies a weapon, but it also gives us regular people one too, so we will have a fighting chance against the freaks.

If the people handing out the firearms thought for a second that the recipient was off their rocker, a few eggs short of a dozen or not the sharpest knife in the drawer, as a precaution they could give them one of those gag guns that when fired just shoots out a flag that read “bang”.

Of course judging a book by its cover isn't always the best way to go about things, so if they accidentally gave one of those gag guns to the wrong person and they lost in a duel to a whack job because of it, we could just consider it taking one for the team.

MJM

Chris Rock said it best...

“Stereo(typical) Life”

Think how crazy this world would be if stereotypes actually represented the majority instead of the minority, we would be in for one hell of a ride. This place would be like a giant circus, forget the ozone layer, we have the big top.

If all blondes had huge silicone weapons of mass distraction and were as dumb as a box of rocks, getting laid and finding a floatation device in the case of a water landing would be as easy as 1 2 3. Life would be full of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee/Kid Rock kind of relationships, and honestly I wouldn’t mind one bit being the ugly one.

Think how much fun areas like Compton and Harlem would be if all African Americans could dance like nobody's business, these places wouldn’t be scary anymore, they would be like a Michael Jackson video on a constant loop. Instead of gunfire and sirens you would hear the boom of ghetto blasters and the phrase, “you got served” every second of the day. The only bad thing about these areas would be the shortage of ribs, chicken and watermelon.

What if all Mexicans were really in this country illegally and here to steal our jobs, think how much fun that would be for employers, forget about firing the bastards when they didn’t do their jobs, just call Immigration and have their asses deported…boo ya! You would also never have to worry about them asking for a raise either, minimum wage, below minimum wage or even paying them in tacos, it doesn’t matter because who would they complain to.

All those pesky gays, out for your children and your pecker, well maybe we should just castrate them all, that would solve everything…right?  These bastards want to nail anything that stands up to pee, all us straight men should walk around with chastity belts on to help protect our balloon knots from hostile meat darts, we need to keep them intact people.     

What if all the Republicans really were gun totting, death penalty for everyone, sleep with their sister rednecks, would we really be comfortable voting for them and having them be the face of our country? Would we have to keep an eye on the American flag, because if not we could one day see it disappear and replaced by the Rebel flag?   

What if all the Jewish people out there really where penny pinching cheap asses who would rather die than part with a dollar, would society be like the Titanic, with all the Jews in first class being escorted to the lifeboats when the ship is sinking while the rest of us our locked down below? Would the ever so popular and extremely fun kids play thing known as the top be replaced by the dreidel?

What if people from the Middle Eastern were all terrorists? Would you be afraid to piss them off because you would never really know if that day they were sporting their bomb belts or just their regular belt they picked up at Walmart, or maybe they just had enough and were ready to end it all so they could have their seven virgins and treated as royalty in heaven.  

What if all Asians were master martial artists, computer geniuses and math was as easy as “pi” to them; would we all want one in our crew, especially when we were in school? Bully and algebra wouldn’t bother us at all, hey punk, one plus one is two fists in your face fool.
 
What if all us white people…hmmm well…I guess we do fit our stereotypes to a T, man we’re lame. We can’t dance, we’re tight asses and of course we are “the man” that everyone keeps talking about. Dang it man, why couldn’t I have been born a minority…stupid white parents!

Stereotypes are hilarious, and anyone who actually believes them is even funnier. Come one people, wake up and smell the crap that is being spewed by all these hateful pricks and stop spreading this nonsense around like as if it was butter.

MJM

“F.A.G.S.”

I don’t believe the word “fags” is a derogatory term, I truly believe it is an acronym for “Fabulous And Gorgeous Superstars”. Think about it, the majority of gays you come across are just that, they are fabulous and gorgeous superstars, they shine bright and are ever so proud of who they are.

It is very rare that you see a gay man looking like he just came from Walmart and is now heading home to the trailer park where him and his “roommate” are feeding their ten bastard children on hotdogs the government paid for which are being cooked on a car engine that is laying on the front lawn…not hating, just saying.

I know some of you would say they are not proud of who they are, that if they were they wouldn’t be hiding out in their “closets” pretending to be something they’re not. My answer to that would be, the only reason they hide out in those so-called “closets” is because there’s way too many crazy hateful fuckshits out there that would beat them up just for being who they are.

Needless to say them hiding their true selves is not because they are ashamed of who they are, but rather because they don’t want to end up as a redneck piñata just because they are different…and not into their sisters.

Once the people find a new group of people to hate on, for no apparent reason, then there will be no reason for gays to be concerned about coming out…they will be out like Anthony Weiner’s wiener. Until that day however, they have to keep their identities hidden like Superman, well more like Wonder Woman, but without the female body parts…but of course with all her sexual urges, oh no I di'int.

There are a few other things that I find funny when it comes to hating on gays, things that don’t really make any sense to me, but oh well, who am I.

First, I find it odd when people say, “I don’t mind gays, as long as they don’t shove it in my face”, and this just amuses me beyond belief. Mainly because I know most gays wouldn’t shove “it” in your face if you were the last man on Earth (oh snap).

I think most of the people who say things like that have tendencies, and not necessarily of the gay kind either, they have whack job, serial killer and asshat tendencies just to name a few. So the next time you hear someone say something like that you better run for cover, because you just never know. 

  

I also find it funny when some people say it gross that they give it to each other up/down (I say up/down because it all depends on who’s doing the ramming and if they are on top or on the bottom) the kiester, that’s just grodie they say, but the first thing they do when they’re alone with their significant other behind closed doors is ask for anal…jealous perhaps.

Of course they get denied, like an applicant seeking a loan with poor credit, so they get angry and in some cases even embarrassed, so who better to take that frustration out on than the professionals. They’re mad that gay guys don’t mind pooper poking, and they feel if they can’t have it than no one should. 

Lastly, I can’t stand people who use religion as a weapon, who try to use it to back up their hating hearts and make themselves feel justified for their evil ways. Like for example, when they say, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”.

That just sounds so stupid and ignorant, and my response back has to be just as childish and immature, so I say, “God also made fruits and vegetables, not burgers and fries, so get your fat ass out of here before I beat you down with a wiffleball bat”…too much?  

This piece was written to show all you homophobes out there how stupid you sound and how ridiculous you look when you hate on gays and this is coming from a straight man, believe it or not.

They don’t tell you how to use the hammer in your toolshed, so don’t tell them how to organize the clothes in their closet. Live and let live people, stop hating on what, and who, you don’t understand and start treating each other like you would want to be treated.

MJM