“Rep Your State”

I live in a state where a good portion of the people here are fat, and by fat I don’t mean hip and/or cool, but rather overweight and a digit or two shy of having their own zip codes.

I live in a state where a good portion of the people here are lazy, they don’t move and/or do anything physical unless they have wheels under their asses and/or a gaggle of bastard kids who do their bidding like as if they were trained circus monkeys.

I live in a state where a good portion of the people here are opinionated, they will let you know how they feel without you even having to ask them, and of course you are entitled to have your own opinion, but just as long as it coincides with theirs.

I live in a state where a good portion of the people here are redneck, the whole no shoes, so shirt no service rule doesn't exist, and where people have more guns than they do teeth and where the Rebel flag flies high and proud.

I live in a state where a good portion of the people here are ignorant, they will let a door slam in your face when you are literally right behind them, they will bump into you in the store without saying excuse me and they will cut you off in traffic because you are only doing the speed limit.

I live in a state where a good portion of the people here are dumb, they are so dumb it takes them 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes, they are so dumb that they got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the “W”s and finally they are so dumb because they really believed all that hanging chad nonsense during the 2000 United States presidential election.

I live in a state where a good portion of the people here are assholes, they will make your life miserable, they will make it a living hell and they will be smiling and enjoying themselves they whole time while doing so.

Okay, we established that the state in which I live in is full of fat, lazy, opinionated, redneck, ignorant, dumb, assholes…so where pray tell do I live, well good old crappy Florida of course.

I know what you’re thinking, if Florida is that bad why don’t I just pick up and leave, well unfortunately I am stuck here, as things stand right at the moment I have no choice but to stay put and make the best of things.

So now you know that Florida is actually an acronym, and now you know exactly what it stands for, well unless you missed that part, and then just forget I said anything.

MJM

“The Dangers of Rap Music”

Remember when rap music used to be safe, and when I say safe I don’t mean for the rappers themselves, I mean for us crackers who actually enjoy it.

If those fools want to shoot it out like as if they were in the Wild West then have at it, you can keep the bullets and all that West coast/East coast crap, I just want to hear those bumping jams that make all the chick’s asses clap.

Speaking of the West coast/East coast crap, we also have to watch out for those crazy hand signs too, which by the way when I first saw it in a video was impressed because I thought they were providing sign language for the hearing impaired.

It wasn’t until later that I found out they were throwing up “gang signs” if you will, for their respective hoods and I didn’t want to be caught throwing up the wrong sign, that is if I could ever figure out how to do in the first place, because when I tried I looked like I was having a seizure.  

Back in the day we white people could actually sing-along to a rap song without feeling anxious because we may accidently sing the wrong thing, you know the infamous N word the one that rhymes with trigger…which is what would be pulled if we’re not careful.

When we are at a gathering and a rap song starts we have to be really cautious, especially if we’re surrounded by African Americans, because all eyes will be on the cream in the Oreo if you know what I mean, to see if we behave or not.

We could always just pretend that we don’t like rap music and claim to be a fan of another genre, but just not country because then the next thing we know we’re Mark Fuhrman in the O.J. trial, so it has to be something stereotypically white but not redneck white, like heavy metal.  

We could also just try to sing the song, making sure to omit the naughty words, sure we would sound like a cellphone with poor reception, but it would be worth it to not get our wigs split and branded a racist just for singing a song.

That’s why I like old school rap, it was fun and carefree, it didn’t matter what the color your skin was, you were safe to sing-along and even breakdance if you were so skilled enough.

Being white and liking rap music back in the day also gave us some street cred, not a whole lot but just enough to feel cool, you truly understood how Fonzy felt around all those L 7’s (that’s squares for you lame-os) on Happy Days when you and your crew started bumping some LL Cool J.

See at first us honkies didn’t know we were allowed in the rap club, we were worried it would be like Jay Z trying to join the KKK, but then along came the Beastie Boys and showed us that this club was open to everybody, regardless of skin color and/or if they had rhythm or not.

The bottom-line is this; sure I have to watch my back when getting down with some rap, I have to be aware of what words I say and the hand signs I throw up while getting jiggy with it, but I wouldn’t change it for the world because rap kicks ass.

And for the record, just because I’m white doesn’t mean I only listen to and/or can relate to “wrap” music, I do enjoy myself some N.W.A. and 2 Pac just to name a few.

MJM

“Michael Bay’s Next Movie”

We all know that Michael Bay isn’t normally known to make the best movies, at least not as far as the storyline in concerned anyway.

But one thing he does well is action, his movies are over the top and as flashy as they come, you won’t leave one of his movies without feeling as if you just rode an out of control thrill ride.

So if we don’t worry about the storyline and only concern ourselves with the action, then why don’t we have him direct porn movies, isn’t that basically what porn is anyway?

Think about it, it would be the best of all worlds, explosions, crazy car chases and of course people doing the nasty…does it get any better than that.

We could have crazy fights before the banging begun, a dude where his pecker would be the hilt to an outrageous sword, he just yanks on it and out comes the blade.

Now of course he would have to be careful not to yank on it too much, because before you know it he would be getting an ass kicking while he’s bopping his bologna, and that is by no means a happy ending.

We could also have chicks with boobs that were missiles, asses that drop depth charges and vaginas that shoot out nets to trap the guys…kind of like in real life, am I right.

We could also have all sorts of outlandish backdrops, maybe like a post-apocalyptic world, or even prehistoric times, where they can hit it like a CAVEMAN!

People could be doing “it” while all kinds of extreme things are happening around them, maybe like in the back of a car while it’s be chased by some pissed of drug lords, in a room that is being shot up in slow motion like something right out of the Matrix or even on top of some wild animals like tigers and bears.

Think of all the great titles too, he could reuse Bad Boys for obvious reasons, or how about Transporners, think about how cool it would be to see all those transforming vibrators, just please no Shia LaBeouf.

Just think of the possibilities, they are endless, and with Michael Bay’s imagination running wild we are in for a good time.

MJM

“My Own Sayings/Expressions/Words”

I am out of my mind, which goes without saying, at least it does for me and the voices in my head.

I say a lot of odd and crazy things, but when you think about it, they are really not all that odd but rather a newer prospective on older sayings/expressions.

Think about it people, there are a lot of outdated sayings/ expressions that we use on a regular basis that do not make sense and/or are a little outdated.

For example the saying, “Best thing since sliced bread”, sure sliced bread is great, especially when you want to make a sandwich and/or you only have a really dull cutting knife and an uncut loaf of bread, but by no means do I think it’s the “best” thing…at least not when it comes to doughy confections it isn't.

The saying should be changed to, “The best thing since sliced cake”, am I right. What is better than a moist delicious frosted cake that is pre-cut and ready to be devoured, I mean this is a fat person’s wet dream, trust me I know this first hand.

Next up would be an expression that I just made up, and it is “What the poop on a burrito”.

I use this one when something bad unexpectedly happens and offsets something good and/or something we were looking forward to, like going to a theme park and it starts raining once you hit the front gate.

Think about it, you’re dreaming of a big beautiful burrito being delivered to your table, sour cream, guacamole and all the fixings, but then with your mouth watering  in anticipation it finally comes and there is a pile of poop on it, wouldn't that be a total buzz kill. 

  

Now I’m sure some people would be happy eating crap, some of the crazy bitches with those weird fetishes, but for me that would be a no-no.

I know what you’re thinking what’s the difference, because that burrito is going to take the first exit off of the body interstate and come out as poop anyway, so what’s the big deal, but trust me it is a big deal.

Sure it may burn the hole while coming out, but going in it would be pure heaven, and like our government has taught us many times before, why worry about something now when you can just wait until later to worry about it.

Another expression I use a lot, and if you don’t believe me just ask my girlfriend, is “You got told”.

This is another way of saying in your face, but without having to go through all the lifting of hands and junk, perfect for lazy people and/or amputees.

You have to say this one with a little gusto though, like back when we were kids and another kid got put in their place on the playground and we would say, “Ooooh burn” just to rub a little salt into the wound…remember.

This one is not all that effective if you don’t say it with some effort; it just wouldn’t be the same thing if you whispered it into someone’s ear, know what I’m saying.

Now for the word, granted I didn’t make this one up, but I do use it in a completely new context, and the word is “Constipate”.

When someone is talking a lot of crap, you know when an abundance of shit is coming out of their face hole, tell them bitches to constipate, which basically means to STFU.

Constipation may not be a good thing when it’s affecting the other end, but when nothing more than malarkey is coming out of their head, then constipation is totally a good thing and will give you some peace and quiet.

Well there’s just a few of my random insanities, feel free to share them, use them and adjust them accordingly depending on your current situation.

MJM

“Miley Cyrus”

Forget Britney, leave Miley alone!

The more you idiots pay attention to her for doing the crap she’s doing, the more she will continue to do it, each time trying to outdo the time before.

I’m not knocking her for it because that is what Hollywood is all about, the more people are talking about you the better, and it doesn't matter whether it’s positive or negative either.

So for all you numskulls out there, who think your bitching is hurting her (or her sales) think again, every time you open your fuckbox you are depositing more money into her piggy bank…cha ching.

If you really want to blame anyone for her actions, if you feel you are so entitled to, then blame “her daddy” mister Achy Breaky Heart himself, Billy Ray Cyrus.

He’s the one who said it was okay to throw a blonde wig on her and put her in front of the people to entertain them when she was younger, like as if she was a trained circus monkey.

Do you know what the real problem is here, you rejects are just upset because you hoped Miley would raise your kids; teach them to do well, to stay in school and to respect their parents.

And now that she’s acting like any normal kid would in her situation, don’t believe me well then check out the track record for the many other Hollywood child stars, you get all bent out of shape and want to crucify her.

News flash geniuses, the person you saw portrayed on the Hannah Montana television show/movies wasn't real, just a character that was created by a team of writers and producers for your entertainment.

Get it, the “Miley Cyrus” character wasn't real, it wasn't an accurate depiction of who she was as a person, she was made up, she was fictitious, she was about as real as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.

Just because the main character shared her namesake, didn't mean it was autobiographical, it was all make believe just like everything else is on television, and the sooner you folks realize that the better off we’ll all be.

So stop hating on the girl for twerking with Robin Thicke at the VMAs, riding on a wrecking ball naked and for letting her tongue hang out like as if she was Gene Simmons from Kiss, and start loving your kids and raise them to know right from wrong from your example, not from the actions of a character created by man.

Stop looking for parenting substitutes, there aren't any, you’re the one who had the kid, not the television set or any other inanimate object for that matter, so do what is necessary to be a parent. 

  

The next time you feel the need to hate on Miley Cyrus (or anyone else), squash it and go hug your kids instead, trust me when all is said and done it will mean more to them then you realize.

This story has two morals, one of which is to raise your own kids and stop depending on Hollywood to do so, and the other, it is not Cyrus who is acting like a fool, it is you for feeding into it and fueling the fire.

MJM

“Tail”

Men (and lesbians) want to tap it, make it clap and in their eyes the bigger the better, and of course I’m talking about the female booty, the caboose, the junk in the trunk, you get the picture.

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy when a chick has back just as much as the next man, but I was just wondering what the appeal was, why are we blindly (and of course I don’t mean literally) drawn to it like a mouse is to cheese.

Speaking of which, some of these buns could also find us in a trap, so just like the mouse we must be careful when sniffing out the “cheese”, like the great poet Sir Mix-A-Lot said, “That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung”…sprung, like as in a mousetrap, get it.

Anyway…

I mean think about it, they are the garbage disposals of the human body, all the crap (pardon the pun) our bodies don’t want it gets rid of. I know to some freaky bastards out there that may be hawt and sexy, but to me that’s just plain old nasty.

But even with that knowledge I still can’t avoid the female backside, I’m drawn to it like as if it was a refrigerator and I was a magnet, it calls to me like the television in Poltergeist and I was Carol Anne.

I try to refrain, I try not to stare at it, which is not an easy task by any means and sometimes I have to pretend it’s a solar eclipse just to keep from staring directly at it.

This doesn't always work though, but I must say that it does help if the chick with the thick juicy booty steak is with some crazy looking muscle bound ‘roid head, that kind of kills some of the temptation, if you know what I mean.

I don’t know, I can’t tell you why I want to squeeze them all like as if I was an old woman in the grocery store looking for a fresh loaf of bread, but when I see a fine one common sense goes out the window and my sex drive switches to autopilot.

When it comes to hot chick booty I can sniff it out like as if I was a bloodhound, the kiester doesn't even need to be in the same vicinity as me and I can sense it, like as if I was Spider-man and it got my spider sense tingling…and some other areas tingling too, huh huh.

Female derriere is like a quarter on the train tracks, it can derail me with a quickness, no matter what I was doing before it came into my line of vision it all comes to a halt, the only thing that matters is that gluteus maximus and how good it looks.

I’m as lost as a kid on the back of a milk carton, I don’t know why I’m hypnotized by the booty and why when it grabs hold of me it won’t let go, but I must say they are the best thing since sliced cake.

So keep being bootylicious all you fine females out there, and please forgive me, and all my male counterparts for staring at your rump like as if we were dying of thirst and it was a bottle of water.

Share those beautiful bums, those fantastic fannies and those heavenly heinies, we really appreciate it, and will just about do anything you ask for a piece of that tail. 

The End (get it...the end, we're talking about butts...oh nevermind)

MJM

“Who I Admire”

I don’t like to say “idol” because I don’t idolize anyone, but there are certain people that I admire and really appreciate and respect what they've accomplished in their professional careers. With me being a writer, and attempting my hand at humor, the people I admire the most are master in their respective fields, at least as far as I’m concerned anyway.

The first person I would like to acknowledge would be the late great George Carlin. This man was a pure comedic genius, and wasn't afraid to speak his mind and call it the way it was, no matter who he offended. He was a master wordsmith and a very clever man; he made you think for the funny, he didn't just hand it to you.

The next person I would like to acknowledge would be the King of all Media, Howard Stern. He set out to conquer his world, and that is exactly what he did, he took on all pretenders to the thrown and beat them down like Rodney King. Just like Carlin he was never afraid to speak his mind and tell people like it was, no matter who liked it and/or if it would land him in hot water for doing so.

The final person I would like to acknowledge is the ringmaster Jerry Springer. This man is an amazing puppet master; he really knows the strings to pull to get people all riled up and ready to hit a bitch with a chair. Call him a whack job, or even a fraud, but the bottom line is that he brought in ratings and made him, and his show, a household name.

I admire these people because they weren't afraid to go against the grain, they weren't afraid to think outside the box and take what was consider the “norm” and throw it out the window, without ever looking back and/or the fear of repercussions. They were all masters in the respective fields and they change the game for all players, they set the standard.

Now I know some people may say these three individuals are grotesque and/or vulgar and/or a blemish on this world, but you know what, they knew what the people wanted and they gave it to them…gift wrapped with a pretty bow on top. You may not like them, but you know who they are and what they’re about, I would say that makes them a success…wouldn't you.

I hope to one day be as good, well actually better, than these three individuals. I want to be the person that everyone loves to hate, the person who changes the game to meet his needs and when all is said and done I want to be the person that all others want to be like.

MJM