Saturday, March 1, 2014

”Suicide”


“The good, the bad and the ugly: The truths about suicide from the man inside.”

For this piece I am stepping out from behind the clown mask. I am hoping to do more here than share a laugh or deliver an opinion piece. I am putting humor aside to talk about something very important; about something that is affecting many people in this world of ours and has been for many ticks of the clock. The young and old, the rich and poor, the black and white, none of it matters because this monster doesn’t discriminate, anyone can be a victim.

I want to talk about suicide. I want to share my personal battle with it and how at one time I thought it was the only way out. I thought it was the only way to silence the demons that were relentlessly attacking and poisoning my soul with never-ending self-doubt and vicious lies about my reality, every day trying to destroy the foundation that was my life.

I hope to show others in a similar situation that when they feel they are at their lowest and at their breaking point, they are not alone and that there is help available. There are ways to relieve the weight that burdens your shoulders, but it’s not in a drug or drink, nor is it with you lying on your back six feet under with a face full of dirt.

Suicide stalks its prey like a highly skilled assassin, ever so silently and with deadly precision, and if you're not cautious, you or a loved one could be its next target.

“Just because someone is smiling on the outside, doesn’t mean they aren't hurting on the inside.”

Part 1: Understanding Better and Avoiding Misconceptions
“Completing the puzzle”

There are many “urban legends”, many stigmas and many untruths about suicide and mental health in general. Here are a few, yet inaccurate, outlooks that most people have when this topic comes up.

Crazy…

People think you are crazy, deranged and even dangerous.  People who are suicidal are not crazy! You will not find them talking to themselves, eating their checkers or in a padded room wearing a straitjacket, it is actually quite the opposite. They are smart, funny and dedicated. They are creative, successful and honest. I know this is sounding like a personal ad, but it’s the truth. They are just like everyone else, only difference is that they are fighting a war inside themselves and they are desperate for a truce.

This war can be started many ways, there is no “one size fits all” here. Don’t perform an autopsy on someone’s life to figure out what caused the friction; just understand that something is array and making a mess of their life. Also, when the culprit of the chaos is reveled, whether it is in confidence or stumbled upon, don’t belittle, judge and/or pile on, regardless of your thoughts on the issue. What may not seem like a big deal to you could crush someone else, even pushing them further down death row.

Attention Seeker…

You are just looking for attention. You’re throwing a pity party and you’re the guest of honor. You know that you’re not to be negative, your glass is always supposed to be "half full" because that’s the politically correct way to think. You’re not to fall down and stay down, you’re to pick yourself up and have a feel-good “Rocky” moment where you kick ass and take names. Anything else makes you inferior to the masses, or at least that’s how you’re told to see it. Sometimes a motivational poster (hang in there kitty), a clever metaphor or even powerful speech just aren’t enough to help one make it through the dark forest they are trying to escape, the big bad wolf is just too powerful of an adversary.

Glutton for Punishment…

You’re doing it to yourself, the problem isn’t all that serious and you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. We all know the expression, "don't judge a book by its cover". The reason we shouldn’t is that until we read the pages of that said book we don't really know what it’s about. Those pages may comprise unspeakable horrors, soul crushing pain and severe hardships. The cover may be all rainbows and unicorns and the pages dark and depressing, and you'll never know unless you move past what's on the surface. Don’t discount someone due to superficial reasons; if you do, it could lead to dire consequences.

That’s just Life…

We all face anxiety/depression regularly, you need to toughen up and learn to deal with it. There are some who don’t believe depression is real, that it’s something made up like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny and they have no problem voicing their misinformed opinion regardless of who is in earshot. Trust me it’s real and very dangerous, and not something to be taken lightly. Think before you speak because the words that come out of your mouth may be why someone can’t/won’t open up to you and potentially the reason they feel they have no hope. Sticks and stones will break bones, but no matter what they say, words can, and will hurt you too. Poorly chosen words can fall like salt into an exposed wound to someone who is hurting internally, and you will do yourself a great service to remember that.

“Don’t assume that others know how you feel about them, make it known.”

Time…

The adage, "time heals all wounds" may be true for some, but it is not true for everyone. We’re not all the same and you’d be wise to remember that. To quote the Diff'rent Strokes theme song, "Now, the world don't move to the beat of just one drum, what might be right for you, may not be right for some". More accurate words have never been spoken, and if someone tells you otherwise, let them have a, "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis”?

No one may tell you how long you should, or shouldn't grieve, regardless of the circumstances. Some personalities stew over their plights; it’s just how they were made. They let them slowly cook like a meal in a crock-pot and by doing this; their internal temperature rises and things eventually boil over leaving nothing more than a hot mess. Without help and/or a healthy way to release this pressure these individuals could find themselves in dire straits. The aforementioned “time” that is supposed to heal all wounds becomes a catalyst for disaster and ends up doing more harm than good. Moral of the story, don’t assume that the way you handle stress is the only and proper way of doing so, because those assumptions could be very costly to you in the end.

Who has it Worst…

“There’s always someone who has it worse” is a statement I have heard thrown around many times as an attempt to “help” someone realize that their burden isn’t all that bad in the grand scheme of things. Now this may well be the case and to some this may even be helpful advice, but to those with depression this knowledge does little to ease the anguish that haunts their spirit, it diminishes their pain and adds more fuel to the already raging fires. Be mindful with what you say and to whom you say it to because your attempt to help may cause your outstretched hand becoming a clinched fist.

Weakness…

For those of you who think suicide is a sign of weakness, something that only a coward would do and/or something that only affects the most desolate of people, you've got a lot to learn. I am thankful that you've never had to endure the deadly sting that is depression and hopefully you never will. Don’t be foolish, because trust me this can happen to anyone, no matter who you are and/or where you are at in your life.

Selfish…

Some also say suicide is selfish, which may well be the case to those who’ve lost, but when someone feels lonely and abandoned who exactly are they being selfish to; at least that’s how they see it. Consider this, in their mind your loss is their gain, makes sense? This is not about selfishness, it’s about desperation.
The list goes on. There are many of these beliefs floating around in our society, whether by fear or just pure ignorance, it doesn’t matter because if we allow these fallacies to remain unchecked and unchallenged we will find ourselves at more funerals than we are at celebrations.


“For those who are depressed a smile is a scar, an unfortunate blemish on their body for the world to see but something they are ashamed of, it makes for pretty wrapping on the present hoping to hide the contents.”

Part 2: Suicidal
“When the wrong feels right”

"God, should I come home now?” is a question I have asked myself many times before, and I’m sure I’m not alone.

We’ve all had times where we felt as if the world was against us. As if everyone was screaming our name, and not like an adoring fan would scream the name of their favorite rockstar, but rather like the way a bloodthirsty mob would scream for your head as you were about to be hung. All you want to do is run and hide, but no matter where you go the voices just won’t stop. A silence so loud that it is deafening, speaks to you in a whispers and keeps you questioning your own existence.

On the outside it is bright and sunny. No one could tell from looking at you that something was wrong. However, on the inside it is dark and gloomy, your mental state is not well and your life is on the edge of devastation. You don’t know what to do. You’re like that whimsical cookie jar that sits on the counter, on the surface you seem all together, complete and even at times upbeat. Although the truth of it is that on the inside you are emotionally disheveled, scattered and spiritually broken into little pieces.

You’re like a plane flying into a storm but reporting back to the tower that all is well, nothing but blue skies and clear sailing, when the truth of it is, that the whole flight has been nothing but turbulence. You want so badly to shout out to the world how tortured you are, but at the same time you don’t want to be perceived as weak and/or any less of a person by doing so, and as a result you hold it all in. Because of this decision the pain stews inside of you, making a mess of things both emotionally and mentally, leaving you a total wreck, spiritually shattered and intoxicated by misery and despair.

“Walking a fine line…the razor’s edge”

You're not Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis, or Meryl Streep but "death becomes you". Your reason for being is only to find a way to end it all; sadly your life is all about death. You dream of dying like most people dream of living. You want to be alone but you don't want to be lonely. While most people are anticipating opening night, you're planning your curtain call. The monster you once feared as a child who hid in the darkness, now resides in your head and doesn’t disappear when the lights are turned on. While most are aggressively waiving their battle flag, you’re flying the white flag. Sadness surrounds you like a cocoon, and unfortunately doesn’t open to reveal a beautiful butterfly but rather a beaten, withered and tattered soul.

How can you stop the sadness? How can you find peace? Is there a way out or are you destined to go through life depressed and constantly fighting for the happiness and comfort that seems to come so easily to those around you? You contemplate suicide. You start thinking that with your dying breath the pain will cease and you will be comfortably at rest and in your own skin.

Your absence wouldn’t matter to anyone because they didn’t care when you were alive so why in death would things be any different? What would be the right time? How would you do it? Should you leave a note? These are just some things that cross your mind as you think about moving forward with your ill-fated plan, as you consider the best way to execute your personal mission for mental stability and closure on the agony that is your being.

You can’t believe your loved ones don’t notice that something isn’t right with you. They aren’t aware that your life is in shambles and that you do not understand how to fix it. This makes you feel damaged, lonely and desperate for a way out.

Yet you put on an Oscar worthy performance to make sure people don’t find out what’s going on. Doing all you can to put your best foot forward to keep your deadly secret hidden within the confines of your soul. You are torn, you feel as if all the clues are there to help them solve the unfortunate case that is your life, but in all reality you have orchestrated a crime so masterfully that even CSI couldn’t solve it. This is absolutely a no-win situation and cannot end well for anyone involved.

Being suicidal isn't about wanting to die, it's about being afraid to live.

“Admitting that you need help isn’t a sign of weakness, actually it shows tremendous strength, especially when holding it in could mean death.”

Part 3: Proceed with Caution: See the Forest through the Trees
“Living with untreated depression is like taking permanent residence on death row”

Life is hard and unforgiving and if you let your guard down for too long it will swallow you up and drag you down to the depths of hell. I know it’s not all doom and gloom, but the truth of the matter is this, life is not all that kind and will tear you apart if you don’t prepare accordingly.

Your mind is extremely powerful, and at the same time very dangerous, especially if you have not trained it correctly. Reinforce the barriers that protect your weak spots, train your mind to follow your lead, instead of it being the other way around. We must be strong and steadfast in the face of depression, so when these situations arise we can conquer them and do so in a healthy and productive manner. If you’re not careful, your mind will bully you and beat you down, leaving you for dead…literally. You could be your own best friend or your own worst enemy, completely depending on your overall mental health.

When battling depression you become a hostage to your own psyche, which if not treated properly acts as the judge, the jury and the executioner of your being. It is a menacing adversary who will do any and everything within its power to have you succumb to its will. This is not a war you want to fight alone because you won’t stand a chance, call in for backup!

From the birth certificate to the obituaries, life can be a cruel mistress. Whether it is that tasty treat you can’t have until you finish your icky dinner, or something more adult oriented like the loss of a job and/or bills piling up faster than you can knock them down. I’m sure you’ve heard this many times before; life is not fair and doesn’t play nice. The game is difficult, but totally worth playing, so put your game face on and play to win!

“Remember, sometimes a crowd is the loneliest place of all.”

You may not be the one who is battling with depression and/or with the thoughts of suicide, but someone you know may just be, so keep a watchful eye out for the warning signs and don’t be afraid to act if necessary. As I said prior, due to an unfortunate stigma in this country when it comes to mental health most people are ashamed to speak up out of fear of ridicule and/or being considered weak. Bottom line, they will not come to you, you have to go to them.

Sometimes your perception of things is askew, things aren't always how they appear. With that said, do your loved ones a favor and pay attention, take nothing for granted because by the time you realize there’s a problem it could already be too late.

We classify many conditions and addictions as diseases in this country, which I can only assume is to make people feel better about overindulging, physically, mentally and of course financially. However, for depression we dare not speak of it in public out of fear of being labeled crazy, insane or mentally challenged in one way or another, hence the reason we have such a problem with suicide in our country. This fact completely amazes and leaves me scratching my head in utter confusion. This has to change if we truly ever hope to rectify the issue at hand.

We ask each other, “How are you” but we don’t want to know, we only do so to be perceived as caring individuals, of course not all but most for sure. God forbid they actually tell us their troubles because then they are considered complainers and in our busy lives and hectic schedules we don’t have time for that.

We are programmed to act concerned and compassionate to our fellow humans because it’s the right thing to do, but the truth of it is that we don’t want to be bothered. With the social stigma that already comes attached to depression, this way of being only makes it more complicated and risky for someone to feel comfortable enough to open up and honestly share what hinders them with us. We need to be there for each other and stop trying to hide from each other!

“Depression is the fire and playing with it will get you burnt.”

Part 4: Coping
“The living dead”

This section is not about mindless zombies who crave brains like some of us crave chocolate, but instead the individual left behind after the person he/she cares about commits suicide. Their life becomes an out of control emotional rollercoaster filled with many “what ifs” and “whys”. Nothing makes sense anymore and they are as lost as a kid on the back of the milk carton.

There are cases where people realize there is something wrong, the warning signs have been heeded and the necessary actions taken. They try to help but their efforts are all in vain, their reached out hand is met with a stiff barrier reluctant to move. Their words fall on deaf ears; to the damaged psyche you come off sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher. This is not because these people don’t want help, but rather because they don’t feel they are worthy of it, in their minds they are already at the end of their rope. No matter what how hard you tried, nothing got through to them and ultimately still extinguished their flame.

Then sometimes even with the subtle clues and whispered cries for help a person can be blind to the issues at hand and not pay them much mind, they write it off as a bad day or trouble getting over a pothole in the rearview on the road of life. Does this mean they don’t care, of course not, they can’t see the pain and suffering through the overly happy façade of their loved one. Now although this is not done intentionally and/or with hate in their hearts, this is a costly mistake that could come back to haunt them when all is said and done.

In either scenario is this torment deserving and/or warranted, especially in the shadow of a recent loss? It is not, but regrettably it comes with the territory and is an unrelenting burden that the survivor(s) must bear until they learn to cope with the tragedy in a healthy manner. 

If you find yourself in this situation, the one left behind, try not to get angry at the individual who died by suicide because they only did what they thought was right, at least in their eyes it was. Try to understand that it wasn’t you they were trying to get away from; unfortunately in this situation you were just the innocent bystander. They loved you, but the pain was just too much for them to bear. You have now become the victim, the torch has been passed, and if you need help to cope during these trying times, then make sure you get it. This is one situation where a “BOGO” would not be a good thing, not at all.

Do your best to honor their memory, and if possible, to become a champion for their cause. Show the world that their death wasn’t meaningless, trivial or selfish, but rather a travesty and a great loss.

“They have taken their life and left you feeling dead inside.”

Part 5: Hope
“The light at the end of the dark road”

Unfortunately there are people who follow thru and succeed in ending their lives, and then there are others, who by the grace of God make it through these dark times and move forward in a positive direction. Gratefully I am the latter.

I was close to calling an end to my time here on this planet a few times, each time believing it was the only way to correct things and to truly put my mind at ease. I felt like it was the only way to get past the torment and heartache. Thankfully though, I had a great support system and could open up to people to let them know how I felt, which wasn’t easy by any means but necessary for healing.

This may be hard to believe, and even somewhat cliché to say, but there is a way to overcome the barrage of devastating punches life has bestowed upon you without having to throw in the towel. Keep your chin up and do your best to not give up on yourself or your loved ones. We can’t just assume that people know how we feel, especially when we go out of our way to disguise our true feelings (as stated above). We must be able to trust our loved ones with our innermost workings and allow them to help when they can. We can’t be afraid to ask and/or seek help when needed, professional help if applicable.

Believe it or not, it’s perfectly acceptable to admit defeat and to ask for help when you need it. Doing so doesn’t make you any less of a person and/or weak, if anything it takes more courage and strength, so that is something you should take pride in.

I hope and pray the best for everyone, and if you ever need to talk, let me know. I may not be able to solve every problem, but at least I could be an ear willing to listen and/or a shoulder to lean on if need be.

I’m speaking from experience my friends, I know it’s difficult, but you’re worth fighting for and doing whatever is necessary to live a happy and healthy life. When it comes to suicide the quote, “that which does not kill us, makes us stronger” has never been more fitting. Don’t be a statistic, be a survivor!

Truly words to “live” by!

“No matter what side of the coin you're on, there are no winners when it comes to suicide.”

The End (but hopefully not for you)

During this piece I may have said the same thing many times, only in different ways. This was not to be annoying like a steady drip from the faucet falling on metal pans, but more so to drive the point home how import of an issue this is. We are doing a disservice to ourselves as a whole when we disregard it, write it off as nothing all that important and pretend it’s not reality.

Consider this, most stories of people who died by suicide start with shock and disbelief that their loved one could/would do such a thing. There’s not normally a clear cut sign of someone losing control like an airplane going in for a crash landing. There may have been hints along the way, but nothing that would lead you to believe they were considering putting the final nail in their coffin. You won't have many people shouting "I want to die"; most will say they want to live. Don’t be afraid to love now, be afraid to cry later. Remember me now, because once you have to remember me "when", it will be too late then.

When it comes to mental health, screw society and its standards! We must be able to talk about it freely and without the fear of condemnation to be able to help those in need. We are in a very difficult situation when it comes to mental health, and we need to work together to change it for the better or we’ll all be attending more unnecessary funerals. Spread the word! #ChangeYourMindChangeTheirLife

Remember, don't be afraid to peek behind the curtain that is your loved one, look how well it worked out for Dorothy and her merry band of misfits. Read the writing on the wall before you are reading it in a suicide note!

“Bring flowers to someone to show them how special they are to you, not to decorate their grave after they've passed on.”

MJM

This piece is dedicated to the memory of all those who have lost the fight with depression. To those who were overcome by the dreaded beast. To those who felt the only way out was to end it all. May your souls now rest in peace and your hearts hurt no longer.

This piece is also dedicated to those who have loved and lost. To those who have found out that something was wrong way too late. To those who are missing pieces of themselves like an incomplete puzzle. I pray that with time the cross you bear becomes easier to manage, and that the crack in your wall not end with your foundation shattering.

Helpful Links/Numbers:


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention - Official Site


Battlefieldof the Mind”…a great book with lots of helpful practices and techniques to strengthen your mind, spiritual or not, this is a good read.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

“I Can’t Place the Face, but I would Recognize That Ass Anywhere”

I recently started working with a man doing home repairs; and the job requires us to drive to a bunch of different locations on a weekly basis, so needless to say we are on the road a lot, and we see a lot of different people.

Today while we were driving down the road we come across a woman walking; she was traveling in the same direction as we were driving so all we could see was her backside, the junk in her trunk if you will.

My boss, while steadily staring at her ass and panting like a thirsty dog, blurted out that he would know that ass anywhere.

Intrigued by his comment, and wanting to know more about this hottie, I asked him what the rest of the package looked like, you know the headlights and such.

He replied back, “I have no frigging idea, I only know her by that must be jelly because jam don’t shake like that rump roast, and I have never actually seen her from the front”.

His response (even if odd) got me thinking, could someone really know an “ass” anywhere, even if it was one of the hottest derrieres they have ever seen, it has to be hard to tell a person by the ass they were carrying alone?

I was wondering if he ever met her out would he be like I think I know you but I can’t place the face, could you do me a favor and turn around, bend over and touch your toes, and once he saw that hiney he would be like, “oh yeah you’re so and so from such and such, I may forget a face but I never forget an ass”.

I suggested to him that since he was such a coinsure of the booty, that at the next social gathering he attended he should have people wear their nametags on their buttocks instead of their chests, that way he would be able to put a name with that ass.

And what if he was blind, could he read ass like as if it was braille, or too avoid getting slapped in the kisser, would he just have to rely on that special aroma the ass emits.

What if he was in one room and an ass was clapping in another room, could he hear it like a mother can hear their baby crying when they are in different rooms?

I just had so many questions; I was really amazed that this man could tell who someone was just by their bum bum, he must have seen more butts than an ashtray during his time on this planet to acquire this incredible skill, if he was a superhero his name would be “Captain Proctologist”.

MJM

Monday, February 17, 2014

“Getting Busy in the Sheets…Doing it Ghost Style”


I think my place is haunted! 

By that I don't mean the kind of ghost you would find in an episode of Scooby Doo, that is really just some dude who is up to no good in a disguise, but rather an invisible being who is there but at the same time not really there...if you catch my drift.

Now I don’t know if I’m dealing with Casper here, or something you would find in one of the Paranormal Activity movies, but what I do know for sure is that Mr. Spook is up to something and he's not looking to be BFFs.

There are times when I feel like I’m being stuck with something, and I don’t know if it’s a ghost shank or a creepy cock. 

When you can’t see the said object it is kind of hard (pardon the pun) to tell what it is, and at the same time very disturbing.

What worries me, is that I am one of those mouthbreathers you hear so much about, and I would hate to be sitting on the couch watching my favorite television program while some ghoul is shoving my pie hole full of ghost cock. 

Getting pounded by a perverted poltergeist if you will.

Speaking of which, does it make you gay if you unknowingly give a BJ, and I don't mean a Bartles & Jaymes, to a ghost? 

If there was a movie based on my life would they call it, "Brokeback Haunted House"?

I thought I heard moaning the other night, kind of sounded like a banshee, but I don't know if it was real or if the bastard was just faking it like the majority of my girlfriends.

I pray to God that he didn't shoot his ectoplasm all over me (giving me a slimer), especially in my mouth, because that would be totally grodie.




Also, for the record, I would definitely spit, there's no swallowing going on here...sorry boys!  


I may have been raped by a spirit, had a close encounter with an apparition, and I may need CSI: Ghostbusters to figure it all out, there's no doubt who I'm calling.

I don’t know if my ghost is gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that (mad props Seinfeld), or just some kind of freaky supernatural being. 

Regardless, either way I’m worried that if I called in an exorcist that I would be labeled a gay ghoul basher, and I’m not about that.

My luck is that he is just some sexed up porn star who is stuck in purgatory and can’t leave my house until he comes to realize some special message or accomplishes a particular task, for example, skull screwing the living.

What to do, should I just lay there and let him have his way with me, all with the hopes that he will treat me like a one night stand, that he would bang and bolt?

However, with my luck he may realize what a piece of ass I am and attach himself to me as if he was a barnacle and I was a ship's hull (I'm sexy and I know it).

Then I would be stuck with a ghost stalker who’s always trying to earn my love.

I don’t know, I’m at a loss. 

I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up (not talking about the spiritual spooge here people, get your minds out of the gutter) and just let things happen as they will. 


The whole time hoping I don’t get impregnated…hey if a virgin can have a baby why can’t I?




Where’s Haley Joel Osment when you need him? 

I would really like to know what this sexed up soul was really up to, why is he messing with me, why is he treating me like his bitch.

No daddy I don't want to pet your phantom penis!


Oh sorry, just a childhood flashback...don't worry, I'm seeing someone for that.

MJM

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

“Blogging, the Other White Meat”

To us writers the world of blogging is lot like high school, and the physical act itself is like the cigarettes and other extracurricular activities that were frowned upon by the authority, but thanks to good old fashioned peer pressure and the mindset that “everyone else is doing it”  we jump on the bandwagon and start our own blogs.

The bloggers themselves can also be compared to the various student types you would find within the classroom setting, like for example the “teacher’s pet”, these are the people who play it safe, they stay within the lines of the highway known as life and they write what they believe the teacher (who in this case would be the general public) wants to read.

Next you have the rebels, the bad boys (or girls, don’t want to sound sexiest here) of the blogging world, the Zack Morris type if you will, these are the people who go against the grain, who go out of their way to stray from the heard and only write things that they believe would result in shock and awe from the reader.

Then you have the so-called brains, the bloggers who believe that they know it all, and without them and their vast knowledge of the world and all things in it, we would be completely lost and roaming around like a blind person without a cane and/or any other instrument to help us find our way.

Finally we have the screw-ups, the writers (if you can call them that) who have no frigging idea what they are doing and why they are doing it, they believe just because they have a blog that they are a writer, they don’t seem to realize (or care depending on the person) that writing requires skill and talent, not just the ability to push random buttons on a keyboard like a chicken feeding on corn.

To me personally blogging is a lot of fun; it’s a way to express myself without having to listen to other people’s opinions and/or their feelings on the particular topic I so choose to discuss, in a way I feel like a god, now granted not a god you would find on Mount Olympus chilling with Zeus or one that has thousands of faithful followers doing my bidding, but nevertheless I am still a god.

Blogging also makes me feel like a rockstar, but not the kind that has women screaming his name and throwing their panties on the stage as he bellows out their favorite songs, but rather the kind that believes he is something special because he is rocking out in his garage and random clubs with his friends with the hopes of one day getting discovered and scoring a record deal, or in my case a job as a real writer.

So remember, blogging can be a lot of fun and a great way to hone your craft, as long as that craft is witch craft because there is already way too much of that crap on the net.

It is not a get rich quick scheme; it takes a lot of hard work, dedication and lots, and lots of patience, so if you don’t plan on seeing the race through to the end then don’t even bother.

There is also a ton of competition out there, pretty much everyone and their mother has a blog and believes themself to be a writer, the next big thing, and totally not afraid to step on your head if it means getting themselves over.

Lastly, just because you write doesn’t mean you’re a writer, just as much so as playing Operation doesn’t make you a surgeon or playing with Mr. Potato Head make you a plastic surgeon, so listen to the feedback and don’t be afraid to seek the advice of others.

Now I don’t want you to think I’m trying to persuade you from blogging, just know that it is only a launching spot, like a trampoline at Harlem Globetrotters show when they go up for one of their famous whacky and zany dunks, it is just the starting line not the finish line.

MJM

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

“King Nothing”

You know what just occurred to me, that we are all a bunch of self-righteous sons of bitches, we all think that our opinions and how we live our lives is the only proper way to manage your time here on this planet.

For whatever reason, for example our church told us it was supposed to be that way, or our mommies and daddies taught us, regardless of why; we all believe that we wrote the book on how to survive this life.

War, abortion and/or who should and shouldn’t be able to marry are just some of the issues we feel we are the authority on, we believe we have the right to voice our opinions on these topics and that everyone should take notice and follow our advice, and for no other reason than the fact that we share the same living space.

We all do have the freedom of speech, at least in this country we do, but just because you have the freedom to voice what is on your mind doesn’t mean that it holds any significance, so feel free to say whatever you like but just don’t be upset if no one listens.

We are not as important as we believe we are, and without knowing the whole story and/or walking in someone else’s shoes before forming an opinion is a true sign of complete and utter ignorance and totally buffoonery, and is that how you want to be perceived.

So before you go around looking like a rodeo clown trying to get the bull’s attention, think twice about it and if it has nothing to do with you personally just mind your own business,  because if you do happen to open your pie hole you may just get the horns of the bull.

And for the record, when I say “you personally” I mean literally you, not someone you know and/or your kids, because we all know your opinion is based on your own personal bias and not the welfare of your children and/or friends and family, so stop lying like a cheap rug.

You don’t see a gorilla telling a giraffe how to live his life do you, of course not, they just go about their business and do what is right for themselves, and regardless of what you think we are no better than the animals we share this planet with, so take a lesson out of their playbook and just worry about yourself.

Before you go and tell me off for what I said, think about it logically, are you really as important as you think you are, does it really matter what you think about how someone else lives their life and how they manage their affairs, of course it doesn’t and if we are all honest with ourselves we will know this to be true.

So just like when we were kids and told to keep our hands to ourselves, the same could be said for opinions, keep your opinions to yourself unless someone asks for them.

MJM

Monday, January 13, 2014

“Dress to Impress”

Blogging it is a woman’s world, us men have no place in it, our sense of humor and our twig and berries are as out of place as Jay Z at a KKK rally.

I didn’t have any kids of my own, and of course I’m not a chick, at least not in every sense of the word, so I had to figure something out if I wanted to succeed in this "woman eat man" world of blogging.

I had some pets, a few cats and a dog, so I could always just pretend they were kids and that would solve the whole “not having any kids” issue, but I was still a man in a woman’s world.

I thought about going the way of Tom Hanks in Bosom Buddies and dressing up like woman and writing one of those mommy blogs, because we all know to act the part you have to fit the part, but I just didn’t know if I could manage it.

Then I remembered what my mother used to tell me, “You never know if you can do it unless you try”, so that is exactly what I did, I tried.

I went to Walmart and bought myself some women’s clothing and undergarments (of course), I just told the clerk who was helping me that it was for my “twin sister”, that way I could get all the right sizes without having to try everything on.

When I got home I put it all on and it fit like a glove, I felt free and fresh, like as if I could ride a horse and/or play tennis without a care in the world, I felt like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.

I never thought that getting in touch with my feminine side (huh huh) could be such an experience, one that could make me feel like as if I was Jack in Titanic and I was king, or in this case, queen of the world.

I was going to be the RuPaul of the blogging world; I was going to be absolutely fab-u-lous and no one, or no gender bias, was going to stand in my way, I was going to go all “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar” on those sexiest blogging bastards.

Only problem is, I found myself playing dress up more so than I found myself writing, I looked like a million bucks but wasn’t getting any work done, I was like one of those hot secretaries who was sleeping her way to the top instead of earning it the right way, but without all the hanky panky.

So unfortunately to be able to get work done, I had to take the women’s clothes off and get back to being a man (no more "Crying Game" parties for this man), but I do still wear the panties…what can I say, they are way more comfortable than anything us dudes have.

MJM  

Monday, January 6, 2014

“What Women Want”

Me being a man, at least according to my birth certificate that is, there were some things about women I just didn’t understand.

Now I know I’m not alone in this, that whole “men are from Uranus and women are from a penis” thing, but me being the kind of person I am I had to find out what was going on.

So I did what any red-blooded male would do in this situation, I hid behind the safety of a keyboard and asked some really cool, and hot, chicks the questions that were on my mind, while I laughed uncontrollable out of embarrassment at their responses like as if I we were back in grade school.

There were three totally tubular dudettes (listed below) who actually answered my questions, can you believe it, I’m a giddy as a school girl at a Justin Bieber concert.

 (Color coded so you know who answered what)




Beth Teliho
FB: https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.teliho
Twitter: @beth_teliho




Joy Christi




Kristi Campbell
Blog URL: www.findingninee.com
 
1. If you caught a someone checking out your goods would you call them out on it or let them look without any recourse, possibly even playing it up a bit?

Beth: I’m 43 and have been with my husband for seventeen years. If a stranger was checking out my goods I doubt I’d even realize it, but if I did, damn right I’d let them. Nothing wrong with feeling like you still got it out in the real world.

Joy: Depends on where I was. Usually I just ignore it. At a bar, it irritates and annoys me, probably because of times I have gone out with my sisters. Men would buy them drinks, then feel like they were owed a half of a “Best friends” necklace. For a freaking BEER. We’ll buy our own beer, thanks, and if we want to talk to you, you’ll know. 

Right now if that happened, I would probably die laughing, as my goods are mediocre at best, and I only wear mom jeans and T-shirts.

 When I worked in an office setting, if/when that happened I would let the person know that’s not cool. Usually if I stare at their eyes with mean eyebrows, they look away first and don’t do it again. Just like a bad dog, because basically if you’re in an office setting staring at someone that way, you are a bad dog. 

Now get, go lay down!

Kristi: I’d probably let them look but would be annoyed. Or flattered maybe.

2. Have you ever used your sex appeal to get out of something and/or get something you wanted?

Beth: Are you kidding me? I’m a woman. Of course I have. I’ve been aware since I was twelve that boobs and a nice smile go a very long way in this world.

Joy: Hell yes. Not recently, but if women claim they haven’t ever, they either don’t know how, or they’re lying. For one thing, the world is an unfair place, and it’s mostly a man’s world.  (Don’t even. Women still only make about 75% of what men make.) If you don’t use every resource, at least once or twice, you’re not living up to your full potential.

Kristi: Hell yes! I used to get out of speeding tickets a lot. I’m old now though, so likely won’t get out of anything. Sad.

3. Have you ever used sex as a weapon, a way to control the person in your life?

Beth: I’ve certainly used it as manipulation (I mean, we all know what to do to get that sparkly new ring, or that bad-ass new purse, or get out of having to rake the leaves, amirite ladies?) but never as maliciously as “a weapon to control someone.”

Joy: I don’t know about weapons-grade, thaaat seems pretty braggy. 

Plus my personality is pretty controlling already. Sex is just a bonus/reward.

Kristi: Of course. I’m a woman!

4. “P” test…Playboy, (stripper) pole, porno or prude? 

Beth: Playboy. For sure. A tasteful nudie photo would be cool, with professional hair/make-up and loads of airbrushing of course. I’m not coordinated enough for a pole (nor am I interested). Porno? Uh, no. Nothing against porn, but you don’t want to see me in one of those flicks. Prude? I’m dying laughing right now.

Joy: Not a prude. I’ve looked at/seen all of these, but I don’t read Playboy, and strippers make me sad because of one that I met. She was stabbed through her breast implant and couldn’t afford to get it fixed, so she was telling me how she couldn’t even get any good gigs anymore, and you don’t even want to hear about her son. I talk about it in my “Strippers, Sock Puppets and the Best $5 I’ve Ever Spent” post. (link: http://www.comfytownchronicles.com/2013/07/the-best-five-dollars-i-have-ever-spent.html)

I’ve watched enough porn that I have a full mental catalog, but if you still need to watch guys, and girls, watch with a little control. You don’t want to set the bar at a weird place. Ever see that South Park where they didn’t have porn anymore? Sad.

Kristi: Um all three or were there four? At different points in my life, yes. To all!

5. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex, if so was it fun or revolting?

Beth: No. Except in a dream once, does that count? Probably not, even though it was h-o-t. But it’d be awkward in real life, to say the least. Not my cup-o-tea. 

Joy: Yes. It was fun. That is until a few girls that I dated really let their crazy out, but that was obviously more about their personalities.

Kristi: No. But I thought about it in a nice way…

6. Does size matter?

Beth: Yes, to an extent, but so does technique. It’s a ratio really. 

Go out of balance on that ratio in either direction and you’ve got problems. Average size with the ability to knock my socks off in the bedroom? Juuuuust right, said Goldilocks.   

Joy: Yes. There are many other things that matter, too, though.

Kristi: Hell yes. But technique matters more.

7. Breasts, manmade or what God gave you?

Beth: All natural. And God gave me a bounty. Sometimes (especially when running, or the end of the day when I want to hurl my bra across the room) I feel like He was far too generous with me.

Joy: Yes. It’s all good. I don’t have implants, but I’m not against any form of self-improvement. My family is curse-blessed with more than enough. If it makes someone feel more confident, I’m not against it. People who complain about them are either jealous or can’t afford them.

 Look it, it’s all marketing. We all wear make-up, high heels and whatnot, it’s not that much different. I do find the freakishly large ones scary funny, but hey, to each their own.

Kristi: The ones that God and Nachos gave me.

8. Nice guys or bad boys?

Beth: Really bad, and tortured, and maybe he should take that shirt off…*pant*… oh, I’m sorry, what was I saying? But here’s the rule: play with the bad boys, but marry the good ones. Especially if the good one can still be a little bad sometimes, when it counts. Capeesh?

Joy: First: Anyone can be both, that is the nature of humans, but I think I know what you’re getting at. For one night, most girls like a bad boy. 

For dating, somewhat nicer guys. I have no interest in milk toast, human doormats, or anyone that isn’t flawed, because we would have nothing in common. However, I dated bad boys when I was younger, and that gets old really fast. I like someone who challenges me, but also respects me.

Kristi: Now? NICE!!! Then? Bad bad.

9. If you have it flaunt it or keep the doors closed until they pay the entrance fee?

Beth: You know, I’m in the middle with this one. Flaunting too much can be tacky and gratuitous. But too covered up is no fun. I say a nice peek in the window is a healthy medium. 

Joy: I like the idea of an “entrance fee” hahaha, we should make someone interested in our whole being, and maybe give a little effort before the reveal, but again I say do whatever makes you feel better. Some people, a lot of younger women, don’t have a lot of confidence and feel like their appearance is what they have to interest someone. This makes me sad, and hopefully with time they will realize they can offer more. 

To me, leaving something to the imagination is more rewarding. I am a student of Dr. Lesster Ismore. Plus, I need to relate to someone on more than just a physical level. I’m not a flaunter, don’t think I ever was, I was a tomboy, but I have been to New Orleans...

Kristi: Ick to flaunting it really, I mean mostly! Nobody wants me to flaunt this shit any longer!!!

10. Do you like being treated like a lady or is it “F” that, you are woman hear you roar? 

Beth: This is situation-dependent. There is still a part of me that goes all Jello inside when I encounter a gentlemanly gesture or an act of chivalry. Maybe I’m a bit of a romantic in that sense. But there are times when it feels demeaning, too. Times when I can speak for myself. Or when I know I don’t need “special” allowances because of my gender. I want to feel respected as an equal, but honored as a woman. I don’t feel that’s too much to ask.

Joy: Both. I know, it’s confusing. I feel like when in doubt, hold the door for her. 

However, I don’t need you to make decisions for me or take care of me or kill spiders for me, I got it. And don’t tell me how to drive. I make people nervous, but I make good time and I’ve never been in more than a fender-bender.

Kristi: Woman. I’m 45. 

11. When men say, “women are too emotional to do (blank)”, do you feel like punching them square in the throat, or just let it go and prove those bitches wrong with your actions? 

Beth: A little of both. They would get a death-glare from me, no doubt. But I would prove their ass wrong, too.

Joy: Yes I usually feel like punching them, but I almost never do. Even though I AM very emotional, 95% of the time I can control myself. The other 5% is why I will never be running for congress. Or a surgeon. Or a teacher…..

Kristi: Both!!!!!????

12. Farting, hysterically funny or totally gross?

Beth: Typically funny. Especially in my testosterone-centric family.

Joy: Yes.

Kristi: Yup. Funny as hell when I do it. Gross when it’s the hubs!

13.  When you look at a man is it with hearts in your eyes or dollar signs?


Beth: Hearts. Always hearts.

Joy: I never expect any man to be my Sugar Daddy. I think that would drive me insane. Does that really happen anywhere besides movies and Vegas? Who is asking the questions now?!

I don’t need anyone to pay for me, it’s a point of pride from my single mom days. I provided for myself, owned my own vehicle and condo. I can take care of myself, and my children. 

I feel better about myself earning my own money, and buying my own things. If I want flowers or romance, I buy them and/or bring it myself. I am in charge of my happiness, what anyone I date does is just a bonus. Whenever I dated someone, I wanted an equal partner, not a father figure or a pimp, or whatever else you call a financier.

Kristi: Duh. Hearts.

14. Dinner and a movie or glow sticks and confetti? 

Beth: Neither. Or something in between. A hockey game, good seats – right behind the glass, and then out for drinks after. Although I love a good movie.

Joy: Not sure. I’m over 40 with 3 kids, so right now….neither. I did go to a glow party Saturday, but that was rare. 

If I found myself single again, I’m sure I would just want to do dinner most nights, and occasionally have a glow stick kind of night. Normally dinner is fine, but I would rather watch a movie where I can have beer and be comfy.

Kristi: All????

15. Talk dirty to me or whisper sweet nothings in my ear?

Beth: Sweet nothings = Y-A-W-N. Bring on the filth. *Shiver*

Joy: I would say the first one, I’m not sure what sweet nothings are but they sound really freaking boring.

Kristi: YES!!! Talk in dirty whispers!!!

16. A man who takes control or one who stops and asks for directions…in the bedroom that is?

Beth: Both. Take control, but be confident enough to take direction when needed. That’s hot.

Joy: Both. No one likes an inactive partner, except for I guess necrophiliacs. Not my thing.

I don’t need someone to ask, I give directions and I’m difficult to ignore.

Kristi: BOTH!!!! It took me too long to get that I liked it too!

17. Hit it like a caveman or take it nice and slow like a Latin lover? 

Beth: How much time do we have? Sometimes quick and dirty is the best. Sometimes I want it to last all night.

Joy: I’ve never been romantic. When it comes to “slow” the only thing I think is:

Kristi: Um. Gross, and yes.

18. Sappy chick flick or blow ‘em non-stop action flick?

Beth: I hate sappy chick flicks. I appreciate a good action flick, but comedies and mystery/dramas are my favorites.

Joy: I hate chick flicks, I would rather watch Fight Club...or start a Fight Club. They set an unrealistic idea about life, and they are so freaking boring I would rather watch someone punch me in the face. I don’t think I would watch one if you paid me. Well, you would have to pay me a LOT. I prefer Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and I also love a good action movie.

Kristi: ALL of the above!!! Me first, though! I just love movies!!!

19. Superheroes are cool or superheroes are just something nerdy boys who still live with their parents like?

Beth: Superheroes are AWESOME.

Joy: Superheroes are cool, and I’m down for a costume/cosplay party, but if I met someone that walked around in a superhero costume all the time, and it wasn’t a paid job or for the benefit of kids, that’s a little... beyond my area, let’s say.

Kristi: Superheros freaking ROCK. My kid said so, and I believe him!!~

20. Men, more muscles than a seafood buffet or more fat than a Big Mac?

Beth: I don’t like men that are too bulky with muscle. I like lean and tone. Nice shoulders go a long way. And those sexy hip striations…*drool*

Joy: I hate muscular men. Every one that I’ve ever dated was compensating for tiny man parts, and/or being dumber than a bag of hair. That is not to say everyone who works out is compensating for something, that was just my experience.

If these are my ONLY choices, gimme the big guy. I usually like people for the way they make me feel, more than how they look. Because of this, my exes have had a wide range of appearances, I don’t really have a type. 

I wouldn’t rule anyone out by physical appearance alone, but chances are I won’t have anything in common with someone who works out a lot. Someone who binge eats and is a big day drinker? I’m all about that life.

Kristi: Both EW – in between.

Well there you have it peeps, what women really want out of us dudes and what they think about certain “male-specific” topics, so if you’re ever hoping to get some loving from a chick that doesn’t require and air pump, I would highly recommend you pay attention and deliver the goods.

And make sure you visit all my fabulous guests (links below their pics) to show them just how much you appreciate them opening up and being honest with you. 

MJM

Thursday, January 2, 2014

“The Insane Asylum: New Years Resolutions”

Here’s another new year, so I guess it’s time to make some of those “resolutions” that I really don’t plan on keeping just to make myself, and society, feel better about who we are and for eating/spending too much during this past holiday season.

I’m not really sure how a new number on the calendar will mean a new and better life for me, but what can I say, we are told to do it so I’m going to be a good little boy and do as I’m told…especially with the NSA keeping tabs on me.

My resolutions are as follows, and in no particular order:

I will... 

Start a petition to keep stupid people from marrying and having kids, because we has a serious stupid epidemic on our hands and we really need to do something to rectify that.

Lose a bunch of weight and get myself in shape, than during the next holiday season let myself go to hell and get all fat and junk, so that way I will have something to resolute next year…thinking ahead people.

Punch bitches in their throat who say anything ignorant and/or demeaning about someone else, sure there will be a lot of punching going around, but by the end of the year there will be a lot of quiet hateful punks who will have to learn sign language if they hope to communicate.

Masturbate more, I know what you’re thinking is that really possible, but I’m hoping to one day go pro, and like they say practice makes perfect and as hard (huh huh) as it will be I’m willing to put in the time and effort my dream a reality.

Pay off all my delinquent credit by sending a check each month in the amount of $0.01 to my creditors, I’m sure my bill collectors would just love that.

Give my mailman brownies laced with Ex-Lax, and then when he/she runs to use the bathroom I will steal their little mail truck and go hot-rodding in it, while blasting “Fuck Tha Police” by N.W.A.

Well there you have it; those are my New Years resolutions for this year…wish me luck.

MJM