“Dress to Impress”

Blogging it is a woman’s world, us men have no place in it, our sense of humor and our twig and berries are as out of place as Jay Z at a KKK rally.

I didn’t have any kids of my own, and of course I’m not a chick, at least not in every sense of the word, so I had to figure something out if I wanted to succeed in this "woman eat man" world of blogging.

I had some pets, a few cats and a dog, so I could always just pretend they were kids and that would solve the whole “not having any kids” issue, but I was still a man in a woman’s world.

I thought about going the way of Tom Hanks in Bosom Buddies and dressing up like woman and writing one of those mommy blogs, because we all know to act the part you have to fit the part, but I just didn’t know if I could manage it.

Then I remembered what my mother used to tell me, “You never know if you can do it unless you try”, so that is exactly what I did, I tried.

I went to Walmart and bought myself some women’s clothing and undergarments (of course), I just told the clerk who was helping me that it was for my “twin sister”, that way I could get all the right sizes without having to try everything on.

When I got home I put it all on and it fit like a glove, I felt free and fresh, like as if I could ride a horse and/or play tennis without a care in the world, I felt like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.

I never thought that getting in touch with my feminine side (huh huh) could be such an experience, one that could make me feel like as if I was Jack in Titanic and I was king, or in this case, queen of the world.

I was going to be the RuPaul of the blogging world; I was going to be absolutely fab-u-lous and no one, or no gender bias, was going to stand in my way, I was going to go all “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar” on those sexiest blogging bastards.

Only problem is, I found myself playing dress up more so than I found myself writing, I looked like a million bucks but wasn’t getting any work done, I was like one of those hot secretaries who was sleeping her way to the top instead of earning it the right way, but without all the hanky panky.

So unfortunately to be able to get work done, I had to take the women’s clothes off and get back to being a man (no more "Crying Game" parties for this man), but I do still wear the panties…what can I say, they are way more comfortable than anything us dudes have.

MJM  

“What Women Want”

Me being a man, at least according to my birth certificate that is, there were some things about women I just didn’t understand.

Now I know I’m not alone in this, that whole “men are from Uranus and women are from a penis” thing, but me being the kind of person I am I had to find out what was going on.

So I did what any red-blooded male would do in this situation, I hid behind the safety of a keyboard and asked some really cool, and hot, chicks the questions that were on my mind, while I laughed uncontrollable out of embarrassment at their responses like as if I we were back in grade school.

There were three totally tubular dudettes (listed below) who actually answered my questions, can you believe it, I’m a giddy as a school girl at a Justin Bieber concert.

 (Color coded so you know who answered what)

Beth Teliho

FB: https://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.teliho

Twitter: @beth_teliho

Blog URL: http://bethteliho.wordpress.com/

Joy Christi

Blog URL: www.comfytownchronicles.com

Kristi Campbell

Blog URL: www.findingninee.com

1. If you caught a someone checking out your goods would you call them out on it or let them look without any recourse, possibly even playing it up a bit?

Beth: I’m 43 and have been with my husband for seventeen years. If a stranger was checking out my goods I doubt I’d even realize it, but if I did, damn right I’d let them. Nothing wrong with feeling like you still got it out in the real world.

Joy: Depends on where I was. Usually I just ignore it. At a bar, it irritates and annoys me, probably because of times I have gone out with my sisters. Men would buy them drinks, then feel like they were owed a half of a “Best friends” necklace. For a freaking BEER. We’ll buy our own beer, thanks, and if we want to talk to you, you’ll know. 

Right now if that happened, I would probably die laughing, as my goods are mediocre at best, and I only wear mom jeans and T-shirts.

 When I worked in an office setting, if/when that happened I would let the person know that’s not cool. Usually if I stare at their eyes with mean eyebrows, they look away first and don’t do it again. Just like a bad dog, because basically if you’re in an office setting staring at someone that way, you are a bad dog. 

Now get, go lay down!

Kristi: I’d probably let them look but would be annoyed. Or flattered maybe.

2. Have you ever used your sex appeal to get out of something and/or get something you wanted?

Beth: Are you kidding me? I’m a woman. Of course I have. I’ve been aware since I was twelve that boobs and a nice smile go a very long way in this world.

Joy: Hell yes. Not recently, but if women claim they haven’t ever, they either don’t know how, or they’re lying. For one thing, the world is an unfair place, and it’s mostly a man’s world.  (Don’t even. Women still only make about 75% of what men make.) If you don’t use every resource, at least once or twice, you’re not living up to your full potential.

Kristi: Hell yes! I used to get out of speeding tickets a lot. I’m old now though, so likely won’t get out of anything. Sad.

3. Have you ever used sex as a weapon, a way to control the person in your life?

Beth: I’ve certainly used it as manipulation (I mean, we all know what to do to get that sparkly new ring, or that bad-ass new purse, or get out of having to rake the leaves, amirite ladies?) but never as maliciously as “a weapon to control someone.”

Joy: I don’t know about weapons-grade, thaaat seems pretty braggy. 

Plus my personality is pretty controlling already. Sex is just a bonus/reward.

Kristi: Of course. I’m a woman!

4. “P” test…Playboy, (stripper) pole, porno or prude? 

Beth: Playboy. For sure. A tasteful nudie photo would be cool, with professional hair/make-up and loads of airbrushing of course. I’m not coordinated enough for a pole (nor am I interested). Porno? Uh, no. Nothing against porn, but you don’t want to see me in one of those flicks. Prude? I’m dying laughing right now.

Joy: Not a prude. I’ve looked at/seen all of these, but I don’t read Playboy, and strippers make me sad because of one that I met. She was stabbed through her breast implant and couldn’t afford to get it fixed, so she was telling me how she couldn’t even get any good gigs anymore, and you don’t even want to hear about her son. I talk about it in my “Strippers, Sock Puppets and the Best $5 I’ve Ever Spent” post. (link: http://www.comfytownchronicles.com/2013/07/the-best-five-dollars-i-have-ever-spent.html)

I’ve watched enough porn that I have a full mental catalog, but if you still need to watch guys, and girls, watch with a little control. You don’t want to set the bar at a weird place. Ever see that South Park where they didn’t have porn anymore? Sad.

Kristi: Um all three or were there four? At different points in my life, yes. To all!

5. Have you ever been with someone of the same sex, if so was it fun or revolting?

Beth: No. Except in a dream once, does that count? Probably not, even though it was h-o-t. But it’d be awkward in real life, to say the least. Not my cup-o-tea. 

Joy: Yes. It was fun. That is until a few girls that I dated really let their crazy out, but that was obviously more about their personalities.

Kristi: No. But I thought about it in a nice way…

6. Does size matter?

Beth: Yes, to an extent, but so does technique. It’s a ratio really. 

Go out of balance on that ratio in either direction and you’ve got problems. Average size with the ability to knock my socks off in the bedroom? Juuuuust right, said Goldilocks.   

Joy: Yes. There are many other things that matter, too, though.

Kristi: Hell yes. But technique matters more.

7. Breasts, manmade or what God gave you?

Beth: All natural. And God gave me a bounty. Sometimes (especially when running, or the end of the day when I want to hurl my bra across the room) I feel like He was far too generous with me.

Joy: Yes. It’s all good. I don’t have implants, but I’m not against any form of self-improvement. My family is curse-blessed with more than enough. If it makes someone feel more confident, I’m not against it. People who complain about them are either jealous or can’t afford them.

 Look it, it’s all marketing. We all wear make-up, high heels and whatnot, it’s not that much different. I do find the freakishly large ones scary funny, but hey, to each their own.

Kristi: The ones that God and Nachos gave me.

8. Nice guys or bad boys?

Beth: Really bad, and tortured, and maybe he should take that shirt off…*pant*… oh, I’m sorry, what was I saying? But here’s the rule: play with the bad boys, but marry the good ones. Especially if the good one can still be a little bad sometimes, when it counts. Capeesh?

Joy: First: Anyone can be both, that is the nature of humans, but I think I know what you’re getting at. For one night, most girls like a bad boy. 

For dating, somewhat nicer guys. I have no interest in milk toast, human doormats, or anyone that isn’t flawed, because we would have nothing in common. However, I dated bad boys when I was younger, and that gets old really fast. I like someone who challenges me, but also respects me.

Kristi: Now? NICE!!! Then? Bad bad.

9. If you have it flaunt it or keep the doors closed until they pay the entrance fee?

Beth: You know, I’m in the middle with this one. Flaunting too much can be tacky and gratuitous. But too covered up is no fun. I say a nice peek in the window is a healthy medium. 

Joy: I like the idea of an “entrance fee” hahaha, we should make someone interested in our whole being, and maybe give a little effort before the reveal, but again I say do whatever makes you feel better. Some people, a lot of younger women, don’t have a lot of confidence and feel like their appearance is what they have to interest someone. This makes me sad, and hopefully with time they will realize they can offer more. 

To me, leaving something to the imagination is more rewarding. I am a student of Dr. Lesster Ismore. Plus, I need to relate to someone on more than just a physical level. I’m not a flaunter, don’t think I ever was, I was a tomboy, but I have been to New Orleans...

Kristi: Ick to flaunting it really, I mean mostly! Nobody wants me to flaunt this shit any longer!!!

10. Do you like being treated like a lady or is it “F” that, you are woman hear you roar? 

Beth: This is situation-dependent. There is still a part of me that goes all Jello inside when I encounter a gentlemanly gesture or an act of chivalry. Maybe I’m a bit of a romantic in that sense. But there are times when it feels demeaning, too. Times when I can speak for myself. Or when I know I don’t need “special” allowances because of my gender. I want to feel respected as an equal, but honored as a woman. I don’t feel that’s too much to ask.

Joy: Both. I know, it’s confusing. I feel like when in doubt, hold the door for her. 

However, I don’t need you to make decisions for me or take care of me or kill spiders for me, I got it. And don’t tell me how to drive. I make people nervous, but I make good time and I’ve never been in more than a fender-bender.

Kristi: Woman. I’m 45. 

11. When men say, “women are too emotional to do (blank)”, do you feel like punching them square in the throat, or just let it go and prove those bitches wrong with your actions? 

Beth: A little of both. They would get a death-glare from me, no doubt. But I would prove their ass wrong, too.

Joy: Yes I usually feel like punching them, but I almost never do. Even though I AM very emotional, 95% of the time I can control myself. The other 5% is why I will never be running for congress. Or a surgeon. Or a teacher…..

Kristi: Both!!!!!????

12. Farting, hysterically funny or totally gross?

Beth: Typically funny. Especially in my testosterone-centric family.

Joy: Yes.

Kristi: Yup. Funny as hell when I do it. Gross when it’s the hubs!

13.  When you look at a man is it with hearts in your eyes or dollar signs?

Beth: Hearts. Always hearts.

Joy: I never expect any man to be my Sugar Daddy. I think that would drive me insane. Does that really happen anywhere besides movies and Vegas? Who is asking the questions now?!

I don’t need anyone to pay for me, it’s a point of pride from my single mom days. I provided for myself, owned my own vehicle and condo. I can take care of myself, and my children. 

I feel better about myself earning my own money, and buying my own things. If I want flowers or romance, I buy them and/or bring it myself. I am in charge of my happiness, what anyone I date does is just a bonus. Whenever I dated someone, I wanted an equal partner, not a father figure or a pimp, or whatever else you call a financier.

Kristi: Duh. Hearts.

14. Dinner and a movie or glow sticks and confetti? 

Beth: Neither. Or something in between. A hockey game, good seats – right behind the glass, and then out for drinks after. Although I love a good movie.

Joy: Not sure. I’m over 40 with 3 kids, so right now….neither. I did go to a glow party Saturday, but that was rare. 

If I found myself single again, I’m sure I would just want to do dinner most nights, and occasionally have a glow stick kind of night. Normally dinner is fine, but I would rather watch a movie where I can have beer and be comfy.

Kristi: All????

15. Talk dirty to me or whisper sweet nothings in my ear?

Beth: Sweet nothings = Y-A-W-N. Bring on the filth. *Shiver*

Joy: I would say the first one, I’m not sure what sweet nothings are but they sound really freaking boring.

Kristi: YES!!! Talk in dirty whispers!!!

16. A man who takes control or one who stops and asks for directions…in the bedroom that is?

Beth: Both. Take control, but be confident enough to take direction when needed. That’s hot.

Joy: Both. No one likes an inactive partner, except for I guess necrophiliacs. Not my thing.

I don’t need someone to ask, I give directions and I’m difficult to ignore.

Kristi: BOTH!!!! It took me too long to get that I liked it too!

17. Hit it like a caveman or take it nice and slow like a Latin lover? 

Beth: How much time do we have? Sometimes quick and dirty is the best. Sometimes I want it to last all night.

Joy: I’ve never been romantic. When it comes to “slow” the only thing I think is:

Kristi: Um. Gross, and yes.

18. Sappy chick flick or blow ‘em non-stop action flick?

Beth: I hate sappy chick flicks. I appreciate a good action flick, but comedies and mystery/dramas are my favorites.

Joy: I hate chick flicks, I would rather watch Fight Club...or start a Fight Club. They set an unrealistic idea about life, and they are so freaking boring I would rather watch someone punch me in the face. I don’t think I would watch one if you paid me. Well, you would have to pay me a LOT. I prefer Sci-Fi/Fantasy, and I also love a good action movie.

Kristi: ALL of the above!!! Me first, though! I just love movies!!!

19. Superheroes are cool or superheroes are just something nerdy boys who still live with their parents like?

Beth: Superheroes are AWESOME.

Joy: Superheroes are cool, and I’m down for a costume/cosplay party, but if I met someone that walked around in a superhero costume all the time, and it wasn’t a paid job or for the benefit of kids, that’s a little... beyond my area, let’s say.

Kristi: Superheros freaking ROCK. My kid said so, and I believe him!!~

20. Men, more muscles than a seafood buffet or more fat than a Big Mac?

Beth: I don’t like men that are too bulky with muscle. I like lean and tone. Nice shoulders go a long way. And those sexy hip striations…*drool*

Joy: I hate muscular men. Every one that I’ve ever dated was compensating for tiny man parts, and/or being dumber than a bag of hair. That is not to say everyone who works out is compensating for something, that was just my experience.

If these are my ONLY choices, gimme the big guy. I usually like people for the way they make me feel, more than how they look. Because of this, my exes have had a wide range of appearances, I don’t really have a type. 

I wouldn’t rule anyone out by physical appearance alone, but chances are I won’t have anything in common with someone who works out a lot. Someone who binge eats and is a big day drinker? I’m all about that life.

Kristi: Both EW – in between.

Well there you have it peeps, what women really want out of us dudes and what they think about certain “male-specific” topics, so if you’re ever hoping to get some loving from a chick that doesn’t require and air pump, I would highly recommend you pay attention and deliver the goods.

And make sure you visit all my fabulous guests (links below their pics) to show them just how much you appreciate them opening up and being honest with you. 

MJM

“The Insane Asylum: New Years Resolutions”

Here’s another new year, so I guess it’s time to make some of those “resolutions” that I really don’t plan on keeping just to make myself, and society, feel better about who we are and for eating/spending too much during this past holiday season.

I’m not really sure how a new number on the calendar will mean a new and better life for me, but what can I say, we are told to do it so I’m going to be a good little boy and do as I’m told…especially with the NSA keeping tabs on me.

My resolutions are as follows, and in no particular order:

I will... 

Start a petition to keep stupid people from marrying and having kids, because we has a serious stupid epidemic on our hands and we really need to do something to rectify that.

Lose a bunch of weight and get myself in shape, than during the next holiday season let myself go to hell and get all fat and junk, so that way I will have something to resolute next year…thinking ahead people.

Punch bitches in their throat who say anything ignorant and/or demeaning about someone else, sure there will be a lot of punching going around, but by the end of the year there will be a lot of quiet hateful punks who will have to learn sign language if they hope to communicate.

Masturbate more, I know what you’re thinking is that really possible, but I’m hoping to one day go pro, and like they say practice makes perfect and as hard (huh huh) as it will be I’m willing to put in the time and effort my dream a reality.

Pay off all my delinquent credit by sending a check each month in the amount of $0.01 to my creditors, I’m sure my bill collectors would just love that.

Give my mailman brownies laced with Ex-Lax, and then when he/she runs to use the bathroom I will steal their little mail truck and go hot-rodding in it, while blasting “Fuck Tha Police” by N.W.A.

Well there you have it; those are my New Years resolutions for this year…wish me luck.

MJM

“Under A Banner”

Today’s piece is about a fantastic band called “Under A Banner”, and if you don’t know who they are you outta be ashamed of yourself. Now click here to read all about them and their music…go on…I’ll wait until you’re done before moving on.

Here’s the discussion I had with Adam (vocals, guitar), everything you wanted to know, and some you didn’t, but all in all it was awesome.

1. How did the name “Under A Banner” come about?

I came up with the name Under A Banner over 10 years ago when I played solo under that name after leaving another band. I wanted it to hint at a series of nameless causes and suggest music with passion, meaning and worth.

2. What, or who, is your inspiration?

We made our Twitter blurb '... and lovers of everything worth anything.' Meaning that we take inspiration from all corners. There are far too many bands to name as influences but, speaking personally: The Cure, Joni Mitchell, New Model Army, Tool and many more. The other guys are into metal, blues, alternative and, once again, many more.

3. Have you ever thought about just taking the easy path in the music business and letting a team or producers/writers make your music for you, while you danced around like a bunch of trained monkeys in matching outfits?

No ; )  That kind of 'music' is for the young and impressionable. I'd rather not, thanks.

4. You guys have a very mellow and deep vibe about you, you get your message across without yelling and/or ramming it down people’s throats like some other bands/musicians do, you’re kind of like a grandpa…has anyone ever told you that before?

Ha ha!  We have some very strong opinions about politics, culture and the less savory facets of humanity in general. These will, I'm sure, surface in time. We only hint at them now as that's how our songs have shaped themselves thus far. Things change.

5. What bands, if any, would you like to collaborate and/or tour with in the future?

I've always wanted to work with a string/orchestral ensemble of sorts, not necessarily a full philharmonic set up. Japanese drummers would be fun to work with too.

6. You guys don’t plan on dying of a drug overdose once you make it big; do you, because we would all hate to see you go the way of Blind Melon and the many other bands that took a similar path?

Well, life's for living. Our drugs of choice include real ale, cider, red wine, coffee and cake. Not heroin!

7. Who writes the music/lyrics?

I write the lyrics and the skeletons of our songs. The band then takes these frameworks and fleshes them out.

8. What are your feelings towards the music business today?

The music business (as far as I can discern) is fraught with traps and blind alleys; there'll always be unscrupulous people all too willing to exploitatively trade in others' dreams. Having said this, there's still art to be made and new ways and places to make it. We're holding out hope for something of a revolution.

9. Miley Cyrus, out of control, or are the people just upset because she’s not the “Miley Cyrus” character they’ve come to know from the Disney show?

In my opinion (having never met MC) she seems no less balanced than anyone of her age of I've met. the whole thing could just be a very successful publicity stunt. Perhaps...

10. Speaking of Miley, would you twerk it with her like Robin Thicke did at the VMAs, why or why not?

I don't think an appearance on the same stage is the kind of image we're trying to portray. I'd twerk in the Bodleian library though ; )

11. How do you feel about people sharing your music online, are you okay with it, or are you like Lars Ulrich (of Metallica) where you believe nothing in life is free and if the people want to hear your tunes they need to pay a brother?

I think it's now too late to cram that particular genie back in its bottle. Thus far, we've been grateful for the frequency with which others have shared our music. The money seems to be in live performances and merchandise; we're endeavoring to make those too as appealing as possible. Our artist friend Susan Omand is doing a grand job with the art.

12. What are some of the bands/musicians you listen to?

Between the 4 members of the band we listen to all manner of alternative rock (The Cure , The Levellers, NMA, etc.) Tori Amos, Joni Mitchell, Tool, A Perfect Circle, Seth Lakeman, Ambrozijn. stacks of great metal (Slayer, Metallica, Trivium, Sabbath etc., lots of classic and contemporary prog rock, lots of folk, quite a bit of classical, blues and Status Quo ; )

13. How bad would it feel to be a one hit wonder?

I wouldn't have a problem with being a 'one hit wonder' providing the one 'hit' we'd had was honest and credible. I'm incapable of writing something I can't love.

14. Would you ever allow someone to remake one of your songs?

It would be an honor if someone remade one of our songs - the quirkier the better!

15. Please tell me you guys know better than to use pyrotechnics in a club; we don’t want another Great White on our hands?

Smoke and lights are sufficient for us. I'd love a shadow puppet show playing out the thematic scenes of some of our songs.

16. Underground or mainstream, where would you like to see Under A Banner?

I've always thought that there's honor in remaining largely underground but popping one's head above the parapet from time to time just so folks don't forget the name.

17. Where are you guys from?

We pride ourselves on all being west Midlands boys. In my opinion our part of the UK hasn't raised a great alternative band for a long time. Maybe it's time for that to change.

18. In your music are women bitches or beauty queens?

The old maxim 'there's good and bad in everybody' is true. Some of the people referred to in in negative terms our lyrics are male, others female. How's that for tact.

19. What message would you like people to take away from your music?

Our songs have many ‘messages’. Often there are several conflicting messages within one song. We only hope that people don't misinterpret any of these messages and see them as possessing ill-intent. The intention isn't to preach but rather to present a series of reactions and interpretations to the human, natural and supernatural worlds.

20. For all your fans, like me, when can we expect to get some new music from you?

We have some free music to give away right now http://underabanner.bandcamp.com/ the third and final installment is on its way within the week. These tracks were recorded from the sound desk at a recent live show. We begin work on our second album on January 18th and this should be available by Spring 2014.

Now that you heard what the band had to say, go check them out and spread their name around like fertilizer, because by doing so you will see the amazing flowers that will grow as a result of it.

Their website:  www.underabanner.co.uk

Their music: http://www.underabanner.co.uk/digitally-download-our-music-here/#

MJM

“Adults Blame the Darndest Things…Diddly Doo Bop Dop Beebop Jello Puddin Pops”

Adults will blame just about anything for the current state of the world, well except for themselves of course, because no one ever likes to take the blame when things go wrong.

There are the main culprits like movies/television, music and the latest entertainment medium to get the unfairly pointed finger of blame video games, but these would all be considered the reason kids go all nuts like a can of Planters not adults, at least for the most part anyway.

For us adults the list would consist of things like guns, money and a person’s faith, you know the things we “can’t” control.

First off, people need to stop blaming guns for killing people; it's the people that are killing people, not the guns. Now I'm not some gun loving crazy like Yosemite Sam, Ted Nugent or Dick Cheney, I’m just a logically thinking individual who knows that even if you were to ban all the guns in the world people who want to kill will still find a way to do so.

Sure the other methods won’t be as easy, or as macho depending on the kind of person we’re talking about here, but trust me cyanide, a knife and an open window will all get the job done just as well.

I'm not saying everyone should own a gun, or a car for that matter, that is if you’re really worried about inanimate objects causing destruction, but these things are not what’s killing people and/or causing all the problems, they are just a tool in the toolbox of life that when used properly do a lot of good and when used incorrectly can cause a lot of havoc.

Next you’ll hear people say that money is the root of all evil, which it is not, people are. I know what you’re thinking if that’s true why not just nuke us all and call it a day, well it’s not all of us who are mentally unstable just a select few whack jobs who are giving the rest of us a bad name.

It’s not the money that is taking people out, the worst it could do is give you a nasty paper cut, it’s the greedy bastards/companies who are never satisfied with what they have, they always want more and will do everything in their power to make that happen.

Sure life wouldn’t be all that bad without it, that is if we could all learn to live together and pull our resources like as if we were in a co-op, but we all know that’s not happening with the crew we currently have populating the planet.

Finally on the chopping block would be an individual’s faith, that cause people to lose their minds like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining”.

There are a lot of people who worship the god of their choosing and don’t think about blowing stuff up and/or killing off another group off just because of their differences, they do so to help them make it through this cesspool we call life.

Sure there are extremists just like with anything else, but that is the person not the faith itself, that would be like saying all diehard sports fanatics come home drunk and beat their wives up if their team loses a game.

Now these are just a few examples of what people blame, and are you starting to see a pattern here, do you notice what the common denominator is, it’s people, we cause the problems in this world not anything else.

We're the ones ruining this planet, not the money, not the guns and definitely not a person’s faith as some would want you to believe, so stop blaming “things” for all the turmoil and start taking some frigging responsibility for your own actions.

Of course this is not true for everyone, because there are a lot of healthy well-adjusted people who do just what is necessary to survive, they only do what is right for themselves and their family, they are not looking to cause problems like some of these other deranged lunatics I’m talking about. 

MJM

“A Relationship Maker or Breaker”

When you get into a new relationship certain things happen, you will have many firsts, some that will fade in time like a bad tattoo, and others that will get better with age like a fine wine.

There are some “firsts” however that nobody in the relationship wants to initiate, and not because it won’t feel good, but rather because you don’t know how well it will be received by the other.

You know when it happens that moment will be awkward, you know it will be uncomfortable, but if you ever hope to evolve as a couple you know sooner or later it needs to happen.

Now I’m not talking about the first kiss, the first “I love you” or even the first time you two engage in whoopie, I’m talking about the couple’s first fart, which if the timing is right will be magical and it will be a moment to remember forever.

The reason why the first fart is so important is because it can make or break a relationship, done at the wrong time and your gross and not the right one, done at the right time you're cute and a keeper…you’re a little stinker. 

   

All the glitz and glamour will fade the longer you’re in a relationship, but passing gas with the person you love never gets old, it sparks emotion, it gives you a sense of closeness and strengthens the bond you share as a couple.

No matter how it’s delivered or who dealt it, in the end both parties will know it’s a sign of true love, a term of endearment.

Sure it will smell fowl, the fragrance all depending on what the farter ate throughout the day, but that warm embrace will get you through many cold nights and linger as a constant reminder of how much you’re loved.

That warm and fuzzy feeling associated with love never really goes away, it just moves from the heart and into the stomach, and eventually out the anus as an expression of love and compassion.

When people talk about the power of love, well they’re not referring to those sweet little nothings that people do to seem cute and adorable, sure those things are nice, but they won’t keep you together for the long haul.

Being able to play the fart game with the one you love will keep you going strong, being able to stay with someone knowing how bad their ass stinks, shows that your relationship can withstand whatever is thrown at it.

So the next time you’re lucky enough to smell that nasty ass gas from that special someone, appreciate it and enjoy that lovely aroma to the fullest, because there are some people out there who have nobody and are left cutting the cheese all by their lonesome.

MJM

“The Special of the Day: The Seven Deadly Sins"

I know a place, where on any given day; one could be guilty of all of the seven deadly sins, and I’m not talking about some seedy underbelly where the devil (Mr. Satan if you’re nasty) parties either, but rather your everyday typical American restaurant.

Here is why dining out at your favorite restaurant could land you a one way ticket straight to hell, at least according to those who believe in these kinds of things. 

Call ahead, for reservations in HELL!

First we have wrath… 

Which I’m sure many of you have faced when dining out at one time or another. Whether it was because they made your meal wrong, kept you waiting too long for your troth (aka table) and/or because your waiter wasn’t living up to your expectations, nevertheless you were getting down with some good old fashioned wrath as a result of it.  

Second is greed…

Have you ever said the phrase, “are you going to eat that” and/or complained about the portion size you received while you were out, if so you are one greedy bastard? When you’re a party of one, and your bill is more than most people’s car payments you have issues. You always want more, you are never happy with what you have; and because of that you outta be ashamed of yourself…now please pass the butter.

Third is sloth… 

Having a person bring the food/drink to you, and not getting up yourself to get it would be a good indication that you are guilty of sloth. Also, after eating enough food to feed a small village you make the statement, “now I need a nap”, which is just another indication that you are guilty of sloth, not hating just saying. 

Fourth is pride… 

Have you ever felt that you were too good to eat off of the value menu and/or in a particular restaurant, but you begrudgingly did because that’s where everyone else was eating, the whole time felt as if the establishment and/or the other patrons were beneath you, if so you are one prideful son of a bitch. Have you ever bragged about how much you could eat, about how much grub you could fit into your piehole in one sitting, then between your pride and your gut it’s amazing that you could even fit out the door.  

Fifth is lust… 

Have you ever looked at someone else’s food while in a restaurant and started salivating, dreamt of eating that food yourself and/or possibly even doing other naughty things to it, well then you are one lustful prick. Have you ever stared at a menu like a young boy would stare at the chicks in their favorite anime, then you are more lustful than a Catholic priest at an all boy slumber party.

Sixth is envy…

Have you ever seen someone drinking/eating something that you couldn’t afford and/or drink/eat for health reasons, but still desired it and craved what they had, well then welcome to envy you envious sum beach. Have you ever looked at someone with hate (and massive amounts of cholesterol) in your heart because they were getting down with a triple decker bacon cheese burger and you only had a double decker, then not only is the lettuce that you so casually tossed aside (because who needs that crap messing up our burgers) green but so is the monster standing by your side…and I don’t mean the Frankenstein.

Seventh is gluttony…

If you ever ate at a restaurant with the words “all you can eat” and/or ate so much that you nearly split your pants you are one gluttonous pig (oink oink mutha fugger). When you need two seats for your ass and you can’t fit into a booth because of your belly is in the way, then it’s safe to say that you like to clean your plate…and the plates of others around you. If you have more than one plate around you at any time during the meal and/or on a second serving or higher, then you my friend are a glutton. If your meal ends with the phrase, “Help, I’ve fallen and can’t get upi”, your ass doesn’t need Life Alert, you need a forklift and lipper zipper.

Waiter, check please!

I’m not trying to call anyone out, because trust me based on this list I am one sinful individual myself! I just think it’s funny how a night eating out could land you in eternal damnation.  Forget homosexuality, murder and abortion, dining out is the true gangsta of sin!

No wonder people pray before they eat, it’s not to give thanks for the food as we were lead to believe, but more so to ask God for forgiveness before we get our sin on. Realistically we should be praying before and after our meals, just to be on the safe side.

Eat, Drink and be sinful.

MJM