Thursday, April 2, 2015

“Shopping Snafus”

I'm not your typical man, I don't mind going to the store and buying things like feminine hygiene products as most do, because I know there’s no way that the other store goers could possibly mistake them as mine, but then again in today’s day and age you never really know.

My problem is when buying items and/or a combination of items that I feel shouldn’t be sold in stores where you’re not allowed to come in with a mask on, that make me feel awkward, and even in some cases a little odd.

Would it kill them to offer you some kind of covering for you face when you walk in, like maybe something in a paper or plastic?

For example, I can’t bring myself to buy Spic and Span, and not because I don’t think it’s a great cleaning agent, but rather because I don't want people to think I'm racist…is that wrong?

I have a hard time (no pun intended) buying petroleum jelly, I just don’t want people thinking I’m going to bop my bologna when I get home, sure we all know that’s exactly what I’m going to do, but I just don’t want them thinking it.

I won’t buy any sinus headache medicine or Chore Boys in the store either, because I’m too afraid of people thinking I’m a druggie and calling the DEA, I don’t want the bad boys coming for me.

I don’t buy any cream and/or powder where its main purpose is to relieve an itch, a fungus and/or a rash, that’s just not happening for obvious reasons.

Also no hemorrhoid creams or lice shampoos, I mean come on do I really need to explain this one?

Thank God for the internet and free porn, because if I had to rely on getting my rocks of from magazines I had to buy at the store, let’s just say that unfortunately there would be many un-wet dreams to be had for this perv.

I can’t buy shoes (size 13 baby) and condoms at the same time either, separately they are fine, but together I feel like it kills they only positive stereotype I have going for me…let’s just say there are no Magnums in my grocery cart if you catch my drift.

I have a rough time buying gerbils at the pet store, mainly because I can sometimes be confused for a gay man, and well you know that whole Richard Gere rumor…no thank you.

Buying medication for diarrhea and gas, something else I’m not too comfortable with, I mean do I really want strangers knowing what happening back there, it’s bad enough they already think I have gerbils wrestling my rectum.

Do I think too much into things, sure I do, but I can’t help it, it’s just how I am?

Maybe I should get myself one of those personal shoppers, the people who love to shop for others and don’t care what’s on the list as long at the pay is right.

MJM

10 comments:

  1. Unfortunately they do my friend.

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  2. Haha .. I get this!!
    My list now; fem hygiene products, worm tablets ( i have dogs and they say to worm yourself every 3 mths just to be safe...see, I am explaining to you lol), Glyde, unbagged carrots😭, that's it!

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    Replies
    1. See I'm not alone, buying some products just makes you feel weird and like something is not right.

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  3. Oh i forgot one! If I am in the newsagent and I'm near the porn section, I make an effort to pick up a travel magazine right next to it. As in hold it up to read at a height that people would go ahhhh, travel not porn.

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  4. I, too, am OK buying tampons and the like. Haemorrhoid cream is a no-no. And I'm not sure I'd be comfortable collecting a Viagra prescription over the counter - not that a virile young buck like me needs it!

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    1. Yeah Viagra, that's something I wouldn't buy either, at least not in person. I wonder how many years I would get in the pen if I held up a drug store for a Viagra prescription?

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  5. Just do as I do when buying these things. As you place them by the register stare at the checkout person and people close by with a creepy grin. Let your freak flag fly!

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    Replies
    1. I like it, but I know I'm too much of a wuss to pull it off, so I would still get embarrassed.

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