Monday, December 22, 2014

“Dear Santa Claus”


I am writing you to express my disappointment with you and the way you handle your business.

For thirty-eight years now I have been getting the short end of the candy cane, I’ve been treated like an outcast as if I was a toy from The Island of Misfit Toys.

My whole life I tried to be the best me I could possibly be, all with the hopes of ending up on your “nice” list, and avoiding your “naughty” list as if it was a homeless person begging for change.

Here is one example of what I am talking about.

When I was younger I would ask for Transformers, but to my dismay you never delivered, not even one of those crappy mini cars like Cosmos, that transformed into a frigging UFO.

Instead I would end up with something called Morphers, and they wouldn’t even transform into cool things like jets or cars, but rather lame things like chairs and pencils.

You couldn’t even give me GoBots for gosh darn sakes (pardon my language), which was just Transformers on meth.

I won’t even get into the whole G.I. Joe fiasco…G.I. Bob, what were you thinking.

Now I could go on and on about how you wronged me, but since you’re constantly watching me (perv) I’m sure you already know so I won’t bother.

My point isn’t to cry over your past mistakes, but to correct things moving forward so for once in my life when I wake up Christmas morning and I rush to the tree to see what you brought me I won’t be disappointed.

Is that really too much to ask for?

Considering the shape of the world today I’m pretty sure you’re not all that busy dropping off gifts for all the good girls and boys, honestly you could probably even keep your “nice” list on a Post-it note, so don’t even try it.

We also all know that most of the world just needs water and food, so as the saying goes, ”Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime”.

So with that being said, teach them to catch those flies that are constantly buzzing around their heads as if they were Mr. Miyagi and they’ll eat like kings.

As for water, I say to forgo altogether, because it’s highly overrated.

Give them all the Faygo they can drink, send the whole factory there if possible because no one really drinks that crap here anyways, well no one except for those crazy rapping clowns but who really cares about them.

So there you go, that solves that problem and frees up more of your time to spend on me.

If for some reason you still find yourself pressed for time, wear adult diapers like that psychotic female astronaut did when she was playing beat the clock on her way to open a can of whoop ass on some other chick, it obviously helped her.  

Losing a little bit of weight wouldn’t hurt either, replace that bowl full of jelly with a six pack and you’ll be surprised how much easier things will be on you.

And nose like a cherry, come on who are you trying to kid here, do yourself a favor and stay off the junk.

By the way, while I’m thinking about it.

Stop giving me clothes and other nonsense like that, because obviously if I wanted them I would go buy them myself, understood?

Just because I have gray hair and wince in pain when I bend down does not mean I want old people stuff, just keep the toys and video games coming, and I’ll let you know when to stop.

Well there’s where I stand, and I’m really hoping that this letter has opened your eyes and moving forward you will do the right thing by me.

For whatever reason things don’t change, you can expect another strong worded letter from yours truly, and maybe even a reindeer head in your bed when you wake up the day after Christmas.

P.S. No milk and cookies for you until you get your act together you fat bastard, not hating, just saying.

P.S.S. Keep your elves, or as I like to call them Christmas midgets, away from me or I will pounce on them like a rabid dog. Nothing personal, they just freak me out.

MJM

12 comments:

  1. No strong threats....no F Bombs. This letter was discarded by the head elf. It never made it to Santa, trust me. Next time do what the North Koreans did. Hack into Santa's Computer Accounts. Download all of the pics of him and Mrs. Claus getting their freak on and threaten him that you will do something disastrous come next Christmas and I guarantee that you will get what you want. I mean, I think he will cave quicker than the US and Sony.

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  2. I hope that, this time, Santa brings all that you long for - and I, too, loved those transformers.

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    1. I hope so too my friend, but I just don't trust the fat bastard.

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  3. So I assume no Elf on a Shelf for you!

    Just wanted to drop by and wish you and yours a happy and healthy holiday season!

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    1. It all depends on the shelf and the elf my friend.

      Thanks you for the warm wishes, and the same to you and yours.

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  4. Well I hope its different this year Michael,Merry Christmas

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    1. Thank you very much my friend, I greatly appreciate that.

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  5. I think Santa spends way too much time in Russia buying vodka for himself. (The red nose gives it away, as he's seeking a high without the odor!) Being there for most of his waking hours, I'm sure he's watching a good bit of Russian television, and missing out on the Transformers and such. I would say most of us are lucky we didn't receive a KGB doll with a hidden spying device within when we were younger. Hope you had a better Christmas this year! :) Well done, my friend!

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    1. Hmm you do make a lot of valid points my friend, and kinda gives new meaning to the cold war".

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  6. Mike,
    I had no idea where this was going to lead, but low and behold, you highlighted some very important points. I would like to add I think the big 'S' should not be so selfie oriented when it comes to photo time. Very much a narcissistic undercurrent there.

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    1. You know what, I didn't think about that. The fat bastard is all about himself, always wanting to be in every picture, the some beach is a photo bomber.

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