Tuesday, July 1, 2014

“The Plus Side to Subtracting One”

Breakups suck, there’s always one person left hurting and wondering why, while the other, is jumping for joy like a person in one of those old Toyota commercials from the 80s.

Sure you lose that certain someone, which may be good or bad depending on what side of the emotional gut punch you were on, but all in all it’s not entirely that bad, especially from a man’s perspective.

There are things that you get back, things that were once labeled as immature and gross, things that were frowned upon and not appreciated in the company of a woman, things that only other dudes would understand and respect.

Here, for your reading pleasure, are some of those things I’m talking about.

We can now pick any hole in your body, including our anus, without receiving condemning stares and/or having to endure a barrage of insults.

We can now play our video games, and with ourselves if we so felt the need, without any interference or someone wanting to talk about feelings and emotions.

We can now adjust our junk freely, no matter where in the house we are, and if we’re having one of those bad junk days, we can walk around in our birthday suit letting it all hang out.

We can now leave skid marks in our undies without worrying about the repercussions, with no more disgusted looks and/or females dry heaving while doing the laundry.

We can now dispel gas from any orifice we like, and as loud as we want, without anyone giving us a hard time or looking at us as if we were an orangutan at the zoo.

We can now eat all foods we couldn’t before, and watch all the movies/televisions shows that were once off limits, for example we could now eat a big bucket of fried chicken while watching wrestling if we so choose to, all without any female interruption.

We can now check out at all the females we want, no more pretending that we were looking at the squirrel in the distance behind the hot blonde in the tight dress with the ass like pow, and the boobs like plow.

We can now freely watch cartoons anytime we want, while not having to pretend we were doing so to spend “quality time” with the children.

We can now take a dump in peace, no more worries about leaving debris in the bowl and/or courtesy flushing mid- movement because people are complaining about our aroma, and we can spend as much time as we want on the throne without someone banging on the door telling us to hurry up.

We can now laugh at all the nasty things we hear, and all the things that aren’t dirty but sound dirty, like when announcer for the football game talks about a player’s ball handling skills. Huh huh

We can now listen to whatever music we want to in the car, no more fighting over the radio station or listening to a chick sing a Michael Bolton song off-key and butcher it (if that’s even possible), all the while telling her she sounds good because we looooooove her.  

Well there you have it fellas, the plus side to subtracting one from your relationship.

I know it’s hard, but take it in stride and get back to being a real man (insert manly grunt here).

MJM

25 comments:

  1. And you can "wax the pole" any time you want! But seriously, maybe next time you'll find someone who can let you do some of those things while she's living with you - not all ladies are like your extreme case example! Good luck my friend. ~R

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    1. You're jiving me, there are actually some ladies out there that will let me do these (or at least some of these) things I've listed?

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    2. We all love cartoons, Star Wars, fart jokes, stinky feet, gas and video games over here! Probably not as MUCH as my husband, but tom boys are not unicorns: We exist!
      We just do NOT look like the girl in the pink dress, so you probably don't even notice us!

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    3. Joy trust me, if you have a set of boobies, I would notice you.

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  2. If you find the right one...she will let you do ALL the things you have listed....like me.

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    1. No frigging way! Are you just fibbing, or do these chicks really exist?

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    2. Mine lets me do that too. And gives me all the sex I want.

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    3. Damn! Where do you dudes find these kinds of chicks? Did you make them. like in the movie Weird Science?

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  3. Hey MJ! I've got two guys in my house so a lot of the things you mentioned become competition! I just roll with it and chalk it up to boys being boys. And there are times when I participate just to keep them off guard! As for the skid marks, that's what they make bleach for!!!

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    1. You are every man's dream woman...I think I'm in love.

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  4. Dude, farting and belching are competitions in my household. Scratching and adjusting one's junk? Doesn't bother me. Hubs does it all the time and I just laugh (with him, not at him just so we're clear).

    Women like the ones you've described are just too damn uptight for their own good. Humans are disgusting, plain and simple. Anyone who tries to pretend they aren't is fucking kidding themselves.

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    1. Where would one find these women you speak of?

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  5. Look for tom boys at sporting events, sports bars, comic book stores, competitive eating tournaments, Magic the Gathering Card Game events, etc. We're out there, you just have to look!
    Glad you're feeling more comfy, that's what life should be!

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    1. I am so going to find myself one of those "tom boys" you speak of, and see if they're willing to adopt a freak.

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  6. Mike, beneath all that testosterone I suspect you have a feminine side screaming to get out!

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    1. Only on the weekend, when I feel like wearing a dress and high heels.

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  7. What you have here is what they call a "high maintenance woman" and they are evil. What you need is a good redneck woman that can out fart, out burp, and out adjust their junk better than most men you know. She can swill beer, talk trash, all while cooking up the best tasting feast of your favorite foods. You just need to look in the right spot for your new honey pie, sugar plum. I would suggest the nearest sporting goods store or truck dealership. ;)

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    1. Okay, but the question is, could a Yankee man and a redneck woman actually live together in harmony, or would they end up killing each other?

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    2. Well, you could her and have sex with the body. You just know she wouldn't complain about your performance!

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    3. Giving new meaning to the term "dead lay".

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  8. I think you're due to a trip to Thailand. Where many of the hot women belch, fart, and adjust their junk too. Because many of them are men!

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    1. Ummm that's okay, I'm not looking for any women with junk.

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    1. I think you may be judging many of the ladies far too harshly. Where I live, we are surrounded by fens (fields and canals.) Often my wife and I wonder out into the inviting green pasture with our German Shepard dog. Here we indulge in all sorts of things, including farting competitions. Often I come back with the silver medal and a disapproving look from our German Shepard, whom I suspect; is one of those more uptight ladies you speak of.

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    2. You sir, have a freaking awesome wife...I am so jealous. What I find amazing is that you two have a farting competition, and neither one of you blame it on the dog.

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