Thursday, May 29, 2014

“Florida”

Florida, the state of false advertising and low IQs, if it was a celebrity it would be Anna Nicole Smith…the alive version of course.

Palm trees, beautiful beaches and gorgeous women in bikinis, only in postcards, because it’s more like horrible drivers, die-hard Republican rednecks and fat people fighting over the last piece of chicken fried steak on the buffet.

Florida is so bad that the South won’t even claim it, they were for slavery back in the day, even willing to go to war over it, but when it comes to laying claim to the state they want no part of it.

I could totally see the rest of the country wearing a T-shirt which reads, “We’re with Stupid” with an arrow pointing down to Florida.

The only thing smaller than IQs down here is the amount of teeth these hillbilly bitches have in their mouth, thinking about it, too bad their IQs don’t match their waist size, because if it did this would be a state full of geniuses.

Most people don’t know this, but Florida is actually an acronym, it stands for “Fat Lazy Opinionated Redneck Ignorant Dumb Asses”, and trust me if you’ve ever lived here you would know this to be the truth.

The people are all dicks down here, which I guess is fitting, considering that the state itself looks like a giant dick.

The weather is so freaking hot down here, on most days it feels as if you’re nestled nicely in Satan’s ass crack, and on other days, it’s so hot it feels as if your skin is melting right off the bone, you’re walking around looking like the Toxic Avenger.

There are also more frivolous lawsuits down here than any other place I’ve ever been to; it’s almost as if it’s a sport, a crazy competition to rack up the most dough by suing the as many people as possible…let’s make a deal scammers edition.

The people, the laws and the politics all run backwards down here, it is as if someone is constantly pressing the rewind button on the remote, making it feel as if we’re stuck in some insane time warp that won’t let us move past the prehistoric times.

The people down here also have their own language, it is like nothing I have ever heard before, and honestly hurts my ears (and head) just listening to it, kind of sounds like a cross between Corky (Life Goes On) and Mushmouth (Fat Albert) with a Southern twang.

There’s more crazy old people down here than at Denny’s during the early bird special, all jacked up on caffeine and as senile as ever, and lucky us, they all have a license to drive.

Who knows maybe I’m being too hard on Florida, but being down here makes me feel as if I’m in some sort of commonsense coma with my only life-support system being a mouse on exercise wheel, and the mouse just happens to be Pinky (Pinky and the Brain).

I know what you’re thinking, if it’s really all that bad why don’t I just move, well honestly I’m too lazy and the overall cost of living isn’t really all that bad down here.

So there you have it, why Florida sucks ass and why I’m choosing to stay down here and embrace the misery.

MJM

24 comments:

  1. Wow! From a native Floridian, thank you from the bottom of my redneck heart.

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    1. Girl of course not every Floridian fits this profile, like you I'm sure, but most do...not hating, just saying.

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    2. No worries! I thought the post was funny. I've been here my entire life and have seen some stuff so I get it. It's hard to convey sarcasm in written word sometimes. It takes a little more than that to seriously offend me. It's a great post!

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    3. You are absolutely right, sarcasm does not come across all that well in the written form, that is why there is a lot of hurt feelings in cyberspace.

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    4. Sandy, I will humbly submit that as a proverbial "New York Vinny" I was treated very well by the native Floridian redneck! I did not challenge them on the Civil War issue. I did not tell them "how to build their roads and run their lives" The upshot? They could not "do enough to help me" hanging drywall, finishing concrete around my recently purchased house back in 93'...Just Saying dear...Ian.

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    5. Ian if you play nice with them, they will in turn place nice with you, but just be careful not to say anything too Yankee like or you will find yourself in a jam.

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  2. This (aside from Satan's Ass Crack) is pretty much how I felt about living in Ohio. Stopping in from Bloppy Bloggers. Thanks for the laugh!

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    1. Ohio is bad? I really wouldn't have thought so, but I guess you never know until you've been there and experienced it for yourself.

      Thanks for stopping by my friend, you rock.

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  3. The news stories out of Florida totally support your theory and acronym. Chelsea Handler says we should lop it off and let it sink or float off as it's own island.
    I love the "I'm With Stupid" shirt idea. Start an Etsy shop!

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    1. I haven't heard that before, but after living here for some time, I can honestly say that I agree with that idea 110% .

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  4. I agree with you on almost all points except for it being full of republicans. I ran into far more libtards when I lived there.

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    1. What part of Florida did you live in? All I see over here (Tampa bay area) is straight up Repubs.

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  5. I am not a native Floridiot but I was transplanted so long ago I have become root bound. You are so right with these points.Those of us with a couple of brain cells still functioning have to stick together. Soon this whole state is going to be nothing but a giant retirement home with an open door policy. Thanks for the chuckle today!

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    1. Amen sister, us thinking people need to stick together and make this state a better place, a thinking place.

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  6. So Michael, don't hold back, tell us how you really feel!

    My parents moved there to retire in Ocala. Nice community they live in. When I visit all I can think about is returing back to NYC. Not because of my parents, but because it's so fucking boring down there, most people are ignorant tools, the drivers suck, and it's like living in a steam bath. I like to visit but would never live there. I do like the amusement parks though. That's it.

    It's like 90 there now. Only 60 and perfectly sunny Spring day in NYC. I'll stay here.

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    1. Amen to that my brother, it does suck major ass down here. I would move back up North in a heartbeat, I miss the normal people, the culture and of course reliable public transportation.

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  7. You and Sandy are the only Floridians I think I know. I'm afraid the two of you have set the bar entirely too high for me to believe that it's anything but awesome.

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    1. Trust me on this, Florida sucks kiester...at least the area I'm in does.

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  8. Florida has its own CATEGORY on Fark. That's how you know it's Not Like Other Places.

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    1. Trust me, it's not like any other place, well maybe except for HELL.

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  9. What does a hurricane, a sinkhole and a North Florida divorce have in common? Somebody is losing a trailer.

    Of course, I DID live in Winter Park when Porsche dealership got swallowed.

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  10. You obviously "have no idea how well" your sarcasm actually does Bite! Your assessment of the state of Florida and its inhabitants,"Was shockingly,.. but refreshingly True!" God, Rue the Day you give Miami "A thorough taking of IT'S inventory!" I lived there two years and could not find a real job because I did not speak Spanish. The women were pleasant & ungodly beautiful. People were generally friendly. However, unable to speak Spanish I went nowhere. I had to move to South Dakota to find a job "shoveling snow with severe osteoarthritis" in 20 below 0° weather! No Dr.here See me because of my chronic pain issue! I SUFFER Like a Sub Human DOG! Anyway, misery aside Thanks for the laugh. I totally enjoyed! Ian.

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    1. I feel your pain my friend, because to a point, Tampa is a lot like that too. This state need a tune up, and hopefully one day we will have an individual in office who will make sure that happens. I'm not holding my breath, but I am hopeful.

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