Monday, April 15, 2013

“My Sister, the Redneck?”

My sister is transforming, but not into something cool like a vampire or werewolf, (and for the record, I don’t consider the Twilight vampires/werewolves to be real vampires/werewolves, so for all you little girls reading this and hoping for a story about sparkling vampires and/or muscle bound werewolves just keep on moving because there’s nothing here to see) she is transforming into a redneck.

We are full-blooded Yankees, we think the Confederate flag is stupid, we believe Texas is called the “Lone Star State” because the first person there happen to be a reviewer and that’s what he rated it and we believe that any politician who has Bush for a last name is a complete imbecile…well at least I thought we were.

When I found out she watched NASCAR I couldn’t believe it, us Northerners don’t watch NASCAR it’s sacrilegious. We also don’t like the Dallas Cowboys but that’s exactly where I see this thing going, so I need to fix this with a quickness.


What is a concerned brother to do? Now I know vampires don’t like crosses and holy water but what does a redneck not like, should I show her some dentures and maybe throw some bathwater on her, would that work?

Now I’m not hating on rednecks, to each their own, but we just don’t do NASCAR! It would be just like a member of the Klu Klux Klan going to a Jay Z concert, it just isn’t right…or safe. She’ll never be able to go North of the Mason-Dixon again, she’ll be stuck in the South forever. During our next Civil War (this time over guns) she’ll be stuck down here with all the gun toting crazies who think life is a cartoon and they are Yosemite Sam.

I know some of you may think, “NASCAR what’s the big deal”, but NASCAR is the gateway redneck drug. First NASCAR then next thing you know she’s wearing overalls and trying to date her brother, who hopefully will not be me. No more “yous guys” now she’ll be saying things such as “y’all” and “yee haw”, how sad and very unfortunate.


I guess I could always just disown her and pretend I don’t know her but realistically what would that solve? I need to figure something out, I need to find a way to exorcise this redneck demon, El Diablo John Deere if you will. I could wrap her in an American flag and beat her with a cannoli or some New York style pizza but then I’ll get locked up and she’ll just go more redneck because the COPS cameras will be there rolling.

I’m lost, I don’t know what to do. I’m just praying to the Northern Jesus that she’ll come around. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

MJM

 

30 comments:

  1. OMG this is hilarious! My favorite parts were that Texas is the Lone Star state because that's the rating a critic gave it and that NASCAR is the gateway drug to redneck. Awesome funny stuff!
    I can totally relate - my husband is from Tennessee and while he has pretty much zero redneck tendencies, there are people in his family that just being around cause a person to start speaking with a draaaawwwwwllll, y'all. Shudder.
    Perhaps an intervention for your sister is in order. Pronto.

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    1. Thanks girl...I'm glad you like it...and always appreciate your feedback...especially when it's positive. Thanks for being so supportive...you rock.

      Break him of that habit with a quickness girl...it's a dangerous habit...and can lead to worse things.

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  2. Haha I am a Boston girl myself but i have always wanted to go to a Nascar race. I feel like I need to check that box! Plus, a sports event where you can bring your own beer- win/win!

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    1. Boston girl...I hope you're okay with everything happening there today.

      NASCAR is on your bucketlist...like on purpose...were you abused as a child?!

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  3. Oh yeah.....intervention is needed. Pretty soon she will start drinking moonshine and pulling out her teeth with a wrench!

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  4. Hahaha. Well...I can understand: I live in the South and didn't grow up here...but I live in a teeny-tiny bubble of blue (and purple) in western NC and actually, I quite like it. No, I can't do NASCAR and I don't have a lick of ink on my body (save what the pen did to me earlier today) but I AM getting an accent. It's okay, though: my husband's mom is from SC and she almost sounds English...I think that's what is happening to me until I remember that I am sometimes surrounded...by thick accents of, oh yes, my fellow rednecks. AHAHAHA

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    1. Oh no...you're transforming too...run girl...run...before it's too late!

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  5. My brother loves Nascar and we are from NY (Long Island). I thought the same thing at first and then he got me to watch it. It truly is the gateway drug, lol!! :)

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    1. He loves it...please tell me he only watches it for the wrecks...at least that I can understand.

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  6. Hilarious! "but NASCAR is the gateway redneck drug" I always thought it was sitting outside your double wide in a broken down lawn chair with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth and throwing beer cans at your kids. Although I could be wrong.

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    1. No...no...no! That all comes way after NASCAR...that's why I'm trying to stop it before it gets too late.

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  7. MJM, your posts are brilliant, but your photos are hilarious (and sometimes nightmare inducing)!

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  8. LOL. Ohhhh well. We can't convert them all right?!

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  9. I love the suggested methods of exorcism. The cannoli and pizza sound like such a great solution, makes me want to catch the redneck virus.

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    1. I really hope it works...because I'm ordering a pizza right now and I already have a cannoli in the fridge...wish me luck.

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  10. Gosh...this is hilarious!

    Good luck :)

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    1. Thank you very much...I'll need all the luck I can get.

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  11. Well, I can see your concern, but like they say, "if you can't beat them, join them!" Good luck -- I do like your pizza and cannoli idea. :)

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    1. No way...no how...I can never do NASCAR...it's against my religion.

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  12. Gee no wonder why you spend so much time over here... look at all the traffic, I thought I was gonna get run over for a minute! I have to admit Michael, my cack went limp by the second paragraph... when you said your sister and I heard Nascar and saw flashes of stupid cars rounding a track, I said "No! Not Michael". I figured it ran in the family. Thank God I kept reading. My cack is no longer limp. I'm sorry to hear about your sister! :-(
    Love Cat

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    1. I'm telling you Kitty Cat...a blog is the way to go...I wouldn't steer you wrong.

      Yes...thank gawd it doesn't run in the family...I really think I would have to jumped of a bridge if I ended up liking NASCAR. Who really enjoys watching cars go around in a circle...like who really?

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  13. Thanks for a funny take on the way teens grow up. They start developing their own minds! And a cool blog, Michael!

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    1. Thank you very much girl...I really appreciate it.

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  14. As a REDNECK girl, I think I might need to put a hurtin' on ya, son! ;)

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    1. Promises...promises...you're such a sweet talker. You don't NASCAR...do you!?

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  15. Now, now, now, I'm a northerner living in the south. Of course, that's New Orleans, which is actually not the south- in fact, has nothing to do with the south. So... nevermind.

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    1. See you're from the cool part of the South...not the NASCAR watching moonshine drinking overall wearing sleep with your sibling South...so you're good.

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