Saturday, April 13, 2013

“My Big Fat Dysfunctional Family”

What can I say, my family was just as dysfunctional as the next. We were like COPS, Jerry Springer and Dynasty all rolled up into one. While other families tried to pretend they were the Beavers, my family had no problem letting people know we were the Bundy’s and no I don’t mean Ted’s family, I mean the ever lovable family from Married with Children…although thinking back we did have some family members that probably could have been one of Ted’s siblings.

My mother, heart of gold, would do anything for anyone no questions asked. During her younger days she was one real bad mamma jamma, she was knocking bitches out with frying pans like as if she was on Tom and Jerry. She was a master manipulator, she could tell someone to go the hell in such a way that they were looking forward to the trip. She was using the Force long before Obi Wan Kenobi came on the scene.

My mother is a fighter, a real survivor. Sure she’s had her ups and downs, but who hasn’t. Honestly her biggest problem was the men she chose to be with it, and I use the term “men” loosely. She’s just like Elizabeth Taylor in style, class and marriages. I like to say that Father’s Day around our place is a real pain in the donkey because we have so many dads to buy for one could go broke just shopping for them.

She was with some real losers (to put it nicely), now I don’t believe God makes mistakes when he creates someone but he must have been under the influence when he made these guys, either that or he’s pulling one of those hidden camera gags on her. There have been many pretenders to the king’s throne throughout our lifetime but only one queen, and that’s my mother.

My mother’s siblings were also a piece of work, we had our aunts who when they were younger were actually pretty normal, it wasn’t until they got older and went all Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on us. One of my aunts, who we’ll just call Scamerella (here's her theme song) and no her name wasn’t changed to protect the innocent, but to protect my wallet because she is far from innocent but she will sue you like nobody’s  business.

She a major pothead, she puts Bob Marley to shame. This nut job smokes more trees than a forest fire. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not against marijuana I personally think it should be legalized, but when it consumes your life and dictates everything you do then there’s a problem.

She will also sue you as quick as look at you, she’s part of the reason the rest of us can’t get insurance without breaking the bank. Honestly I’m afraid to walk down a narrow hallway with her, I’m fearful if I accidentally bump into her she’ll sue me. 

What can I say about my uncles, they always keep things interesting. It wasn’t a (white-trash) party until they showed up, especially my druncles Jack and Jim or as I like to call them Jack (Daniels) and Jim (Beam) because they were twins, both bad alcoholics and with Jack Daniels and Jim Beam both being an alcoholic beverage it just felt right.

These two were great guys with a heart of gold, just like my mother, that is when they were sober but when they got their drunk on they put the “fun” in dysfunctional.  My druncle Jack (Daniels) was actually a pretty mellow drunk, but Jim (Beam) on the other hand, he was a professional troublemaker and badass (liquid courage) when the alcohol was flowing. He is best known for the old chew and screw, which is where you order a bunch of food and drink then try to run out on the tab.

Well this is just a little sneak peek into my dysfunctional world, there’s much…much more…but I didn’t want to scare my readers away so I’m saving it for another time. All things considered though, as crazy as things were I wouldn’t change it for anything, because it made me the person I am today.

MJM


 

7 comments:

  1. I had a drunkle Kevin. He invited me to the ORIGINAL MTV awards (I'm that old) before I realized that he had less then uncley motivations. I was 15. I didn't go. Anyway, love your blog! Oh and if you check out mine and get my recent heartfelt post about la la land and think "this bitch is NOT funny," just scroll back one. Or two. Or maybe 20. I'm one of those asses who doesn't know whether I should be funny or be an autism advocate. Anyway, glad I found you!

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    1. Unfortunately we all have those molesting druncles…thankfully though I was an out of shape pimply faced boy…so none of the molesters in my family tried anything with me.

      I will definitely check out your blog…I’m looking forward to it…and trust me I know what you mean…humor or seriousness what is one to do.

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    2. True that, wise one. And OOOOH I see my very own button on your side bar. How I love to see me here. <3
      Thank you :D
      I'll one of these days totally make a blogroll and put you there. I have a blog consult coming up about how to do it.

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    3. Wise one...I've been called a lot of things before in my lifetime...but wise was never one of them.

      Of course I have your button...you know I have your back...that and I love you blog and want to share it with the rest of the world.

      Just let me know when you do this blogroll thing so I can check it out.

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  2. Druncle should totally be added to Urban Dictionary. Is there a reason it's not in there already? My mother's side of the family is also the white trash, borderline prison bound relatives. She, however, was the complete other end of the spectrum. My dad's family is as boring and white bread as it gets. See a coincidence? I think not. Thanks for sharing.
    And hey, I totally want to jump on the button swap bandwagon, but, well, um...yeah, I don't have a button. One day. It's only #23 on my to-do list. :)

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    1. White trash can be fun...sometimes...but it could also be dangerous...very, very dangerous.

      Druncles is my word...those bastards at Urban Dictionary better not steal it...that is if they know what's good for them.

      When you get to number 23 on your to-do list let me know...and we'll swap.

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  3. Hey michael,my name is Krystal and I find your family very interesting and would love to know a little bit more and was wondering if you had ever considered doing tv... im casting for a couple of shows that you guys might be perfect for and would love to chat a little bit about that.... if your interested email me your contact information at myfamilycasting@gmail.com

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