Monday, February 4, 2013

"The Wedgie"

Why is it considered nasty when you pull a wedgie out in public, if there's mail in the box you have to get it out?

Just like pooping, we all do it, of course some more than others and some at the most inopportune times, but the bottom line is we all unwedge our wedgies. 

As long as you're not running for president and going around shaking every one's hand after you dislodge the cotton, then what's the problem? 

Not only that, but the longer it stays up in there, the bigger the risk is that it'll come out with bacon strips and/or skid marks on it...and who in their right mind wants that.

Speaking of wedgies, I really don't understand how people can wear thongs, at least willingly anyways. 

I could see if Guantanamo Bay used them as a means of torture, possibly to coincide with waterboarding, but to purposely stick something up your kiester makes no sense to me at all. 

I can't take a healthy dump without wincing in pain, so I couldn't imagine intentionally trying to get something up there all with the hopes of making my ass look good for the benefit of the people behind me. 

The bitches behind me aren't that important, because if they were they would be next to me and not bringing up the rear, not hating, just saying.

I know that thongs and/or g-strings don't actually go up in the puckered brown starfish, down the dirt road, up the hershey highway, etc, but it comes pretty close and that's what makes me feel uneasy. 

Mine is an exit only, and just like those exit doors with the alarms that sound when they are opened, mine will do the same if anything tries to go in...just FYI.

For gosh darn sakes (sorry for the offensive language), kids in school give other kids wedgies as a way to humiliate and bully them, so why we do it purposely to ourselves when we get older boggles my mind.

Forget banning dodgeball from the schools, ban the wedgie!

That's why I'm thankful I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, but truthfully I would have to be celibate if I was, that or strictly stick to Ben and Jerry's...if you know what I mean.

MJM

15 comments:

  1. Hahahaa... LOON! the thong does not go UP your arse... it is mearly a valance over a window nobody looks out of...

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    1. How do you know this...are you speaking from experience...if so...ewww grodie...not hating, just saying. Also, nobody may look out that said window, but something does come out of it.

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  2. When I used to my my rounds of the bars and honky tonks, wearing tight wranglers, having pantie lines was oh so gross. Therefore, I chose to wear thongs. And yes, they were very comfy. My favorite one had a rhinestone heart where the 3 straps met in the small of my back. It went nicely with my celtic heart tattoo in the same spot. ;)

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    1. Of course they're going to be comfortable...when you're getting your drunk on...you could be wearing a burlap sack and think it's comfortable when you're toasted. By the way...I knew you were a freak-a-leak!

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  3. Hahaha hilarious connection to inbox and email. Although, it would be kind of weird to pick a wedgie in public...

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    1. ...not if you sanitize your hands afterwards.

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  4. Strange choice but funny collage.

    Greetings,
    Filip

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  5. Bwaahahahahah! Thong-wonderer, I have a friend of a friend of a cousin who says that you get used to thongs. And you just learn to wipe better. Me? I don't know anything about anything. But this post is freaking hilarious.

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    1. I knew you were a thong chick...good for you...whatever floats your boat. Me on the other hand...hell no...no how...no way. That is an exit only...no entrance.

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  6. They always look excruciating to wear but women tell me they're very comfortable. Maybe I need to test drive one myself - any excuse to dress up! Shucks, I've said too much!

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    1. That's all you my friend, try it out and let me know what you think...good luck.

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  7. I will say this...the language you use to describe scenarios most people don't want to even think about is exquisite to say the least. I haven't seen language like that since Arnold was telling an inmate if (the inmate's wife) wouldn't mind polishing his helmet. I am keeping "the puckered brown starfish" in mind for future use....justsayin.

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    1. Thank you so much for all the love my friend, but I can't take all the credit, if my mother didn't smoke and drink when she was pregnant with me, none of this would be possible.

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  8. This did make me reflect on the middle school days I do not miss! Wedgies were torture!

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